One of the perks of living in Southern California is you don't have to deal with snow during the winter. Yes, you don't get to have a white Christmas, and it's odd walking around in shorts in December, but you also don't have to worry about the city turning into gridlock because of a blizzard (we have gridlock for every other reason), or needing to trundle out into the cold to clear your driveway. But apparently, snow is not just annoying but just plain dangerous. Just ask Colorado Avalance captain Joe Sakic. The Denver Post says he's going to be out at least three months after a freak snowblower accident that left him with three broken fingers and "severe" tendon damage.
Sakic reached inside the "auger" of the snowblower to remove some snow, which apparently is bad since it can still move and crush people's hands even when it's off. The newspaper says this type of accident isn't uncommon: there are more than 1,000 cases of finger amputations in similar accidents, and nine deaths reported since 1992. To me, this sounds like Stephen King was a prophet: the machines really are taking over.
Sakic's injury is just the latest bizarre sports injury to befall Denver athletes in recent years. You might remember Broncos WR Brandon Marshall gashing his arm after tripping on a McDonald's bag and falling through an entertainment center. Or Rockies shortstop Clint Barmes breaking his collarbone after falling while carrying a slab of deer meat into his house. Or Brian Griese's one-two punch of getting pushed down the stairs by his dog and slipping on teammate Terrell Davis' driveway and getting knocked out.
Clearly, something is going on here. Someone needs to wrap Jay Cutler in protective bubble wrap just to be sure.
NEW YORK - New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre was arrested early Friday morning on weapons charges after an incident at a Times Square Apleebee's. Police say that Favre had a concealed hunting rifle at the restaurant which accidentally went off as he was getting up to use the restroom, grazing a server in the thigh and fatally injuring a Triple Chocolate Meltdown cake being delivered to a nearby table.
Police say Favre's rifle, a Winchester Model 70, was unlicensed in New York, with Favre telling police before being taken into custody that he's "pretty sure" he had a license in his home state of Mississippi somewhere.
According to witnesses, Favre "wasn't fooling anyone" by trying to hide his rifle.
"He had it shoved down his pants and tucked under his shirt, but it was so long that the barrel was still a good two feet out of his back," said a waitress identified by his name tag as Randy. "I don't know how he missed blasting himself in the back of the head when it went off. Normally there's no way we would have let someone with such an obvious weapon in, but, I mean, this was Brett Favre."
NFL commentator John Madden said that Favre's actions immediately following the incident showed his "unique style" of leadership.
"From the way he tried to pretend that the gunshot didn't come from his back, to how he tried to go to the bathroom and stash the rifle in the trash can, that's total Brett Favre," Madden said. "I mean, he was in total control of the situation, even telling the police officers which station to take him to right before he signed autographs for everyone. If that isn't a gamer, I don't know what is."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would consider suspending Favre "pending factors such as the outcome of his criminal trial, and after his future retirement."
Sure, Oklahoma might be 59-3 at home under Bob Stoops, but the Sooners' coach isn't buying that the fans have played that big of a role. Rivals.com says that Stoops was asked about how much of a distraction it can be for opposing teams to deal with the crowd noise at..Sooner Stadium? Oklahoma Stadium? Barry Switzer Memorial Park? Owen Field? OK, I guess it's Owen Field.
At any rate, Stoops was less than forthcoming in praise of his fans' disruptive impact on other teams:
"I've seen a lot of teams come in here and not even use silent counts, so I'm not so sure I'm with you on all that," said Stoops when told opposing teams are fearful of the crowd noise. "We haven't been a real loud stadium."
And Stoops wasn't finished with that, taking a sideswipe at fans who only cheer when the Sooners are ready to score:
"Now when we score a touchdown and we're running into the goal line it's usually pretty loud," admitted Stoops. "That usually doesn't matter to the opposing team."
So remember, Sooner fans - if your team loses on Saturday night to Texas Tech, it's all your fault. Of course, this doesn't explain why the Sooners have been so awful at bowl games.
As some of you might know, in the British vernacular, I was "made redundant" last week. Otherwise known as "I was laid off." The plus side is that this leaves me a lot more time for writing, specifically to bring you the type of marginal entertainment you've come to expect from Your Face is a Sports Blog.
The downside? Well, the lack of money. I'm not a big corporate blog like Deadspin or Sports by Brooks. I don't have a team of writers being beaten into submission and told what to write that will get the most SEO hits, blogosphere synergy or whatever the hell they call it. It's just me, writing about what makes me laugh, and hopefully you too.
I feel so weird about doing this, but several people have said that I should. So, there's a "donate" button on the righthand side of the blog. If you feel as though you want to help support me and this site, feel free to contribute...whatever you want. I know this feels very public radio, so I'll just end by reminding you about the free tote bag with $50 membership, and sending you back to "This American Life."
Rathman, who is Cuban's brother-in-law, said that he had received a complaint from an owner who had sent Luc Richard Mbah a Moute to Cuban's team, the Fuck David Sterns.
"The owner was expecting to add Stackhouse as a valuable role player, but now we have reason to believe that Mark knew about this injury ahead of time and dumped him in order to minimize his losses," Rathman said.
Other owners in the league had expressed concerns something like this might happen, and had suggested a rule that a player could not have someone on their fantasy roster from a team they own in real life. However, Cuban rejected this immediately.
"He kept talking about how this was clearly targeting one player, and how patently unfair that was," Rathman said. "Plus, he reminded us multiple times how he was going to let us have the draft at his mansion, with full catering and all the Chivas and champagne we could drink. It was kind of hard to say no."
Pending an investigation, Rathman said that there is a variety of punishments available, including: forfeiture of points, banning from the league playoffs, or making him give the other players extra courtside seats to an upcoming Mavericks game.
Cuban refused to comment on the matter, other to make the following post on his blogmaverick.com site:
I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job. Also, Andrew Rathman is a farthead, who eats farts with his giant head.
LOS ANGELES - Clippers forward Al Thorton can't believe that his girlfriend bought the excuse that he hadn't talked to her since the start of the season because of a "superstition" involving the team's 0-6 start, sources told to the team said on Wednesday.
"All week, he had been getting phone messages - here at practice, on his cell phone, even at the hotel on the road," the anonymous source said. "I kept telling him 'Al, that's not good, you better call her.' But he kept insisting that he had a plan. I guess he did."
The source said that he was amazed it worked, especially since it didn't make a lot of sense on the surface.
"I mean, think about it: why would you keep doing something if you keep losing?," said the source. "Wouldn't you do the exact opposite, like call your girlfriend, to try and break your streak? It's like having an unlucky pair of underwear."
Bouyed by Thorton's success, the source said that his teammates were looking to apply the logic to their wives and girlfriends as well, including plans to:
Not come home at night until they get back above .500
Pass out drunk at a strip club every night until they get their average above 20 ppg
Sleep with a different music video model until the Clippers trade for Kobe Bryant
A totally insane story from here in Los Angeles: Johnny Lopez, the head football coach at Eagle Rock High is back on the sidelines, a week after he was injured when he was speared by one of his players during practice. Sounds like a pretty standard story, right? Coaches get run into on the sidelines all time. It's a violent, fast-moving game, and somethings accidents happen. Look at Joe Paterno or Charlie Weis.
But there's one difference here: THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT! (Cue Det. Lenny Briscoe making a darkly humorous joke here.) The Los Angeles Daily News reports that Lopez was apparently speared on purpose by someone who put on a helmet when the coach wasn't looking, drilled him square in the back, and then took off running, hoping a fence to escape the field while the first-year coach writhed in pain.
Perhaps the most disturbing part of the story is this: none of the other members of the team tried to stop him. I've heard of a coach "losing their team" before, but that usually just means that they don't follow directions and laugh behind his back. It usually doesn't mean "putting on a helmet and running at him full speed behind his back." It's stunning that this could happen*.
Another twist to the story: Lopez's alleged assailant isn't even a current player - the person police believe is responsible is a former player who was a starting linebacker last season.
Eagle Rock forfeited last week's game, and ends the season looking to improve on their 3-6 record. But despite evidence that the team might not be buying into the system, Lopez insists that he's coming back next year. In full pads, I'm sure.
*except for when Paul Hackett was the coach at USC. I'm frankly stunned that he wasn't getting clobbered by his players on a weekly basis by the end of his last season at the helm.
It's one thing to be a "player's coach," but it's another to be " a coach who gets into fights alongside his players." Someone apparently needs to explain the subtle difference to Jamie Joyner, the head coach of the Nature Coast High football team in South Florida. He has been barred from being on the sidelines the rest of this season after he threw some blows along with his team during a brawl with a rival school.
This isn't the first time that Nature Coast has had issues with fights during their games. Here's a post-game scuffle after a close loss last year:
Joyner has also been ordered to take a "fundamentals of coaching" class before he can rejoin the team. (The first lesson: don't punch the other team, i.e. the Woody Hayes Rule.) I know that many Chiefs fans would like their coach Herm Edwards take the same course as well.
BYU head football coach Bronco Mendenhall has a Veteran's Day message for you, ahead of the Cougars' game this weekend with Air Force: they are a bunch of dirty, unethical players. But he stilll supports the troops!
Specifically, Mendenhall is upset at Air Force's use of the "cut block" - that is, blocking by taking out a player's legs. Although technically legal, Mendenhall thinks it shouldn't be, and isn't happy with how much the Falcons use it:
"Without even mentioning the game after Air Force, I am just not a proponent of the block, anyway," he said. "I don't think it is good for the game, and I think it puts our players at risk, and I am not saying Air Force is cheating or doing anything unethical, but if I were to have a say in the rules committee, and just in general, I don't think the block is necessary. . . . It is effective, and certainly it is difficult to defend, I am just not a proponent of it."
So maybe I exaggerated a bit in the first paragraph, but you get the point. Clearly, Mendenhall isn't going to come out and say "what a bunch of dirty bastards the Air Force is" - after all, Bush still has a few weeks left in office, and Gitmo isn't closed yet. But that's obviously what he's thinking.
I take the opposite approach: I'm thrilled that they are teaching the future fighter pilots of tomorrow how to cut block. I've seen "Behind Enemy Lines," and if Owen Wilson knew how to cut block, that move would have been 20 minutes long. Let's drop the Air Force football team in Afghanistan and have them cut block a path right to bin-Laden.
CINCINNATI - Bengals QB Carson Palmer, who has watched from the sidelines with an elbow injury for six of the last seven games as the team has slumped to a 1-8 record, said on Tuesday that there was "no way" he would play this coming Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.
"No, my, um, my elbow still is way to sore to get out there right now," Palmer said. "Yeah, it's really sore. Ooh, oww!"
Palmer then shook his arm and grabbed at his elbow while wincing in an exaggerated manner.
Palmer said that he re-injured his elbow yesterday afternoon while watching tapes of the Bengals' offense this season.
"I was feeling pretty good, but then I reached for the remote to fast-forward through tape of (back-up) Ryan Fitzpatrick getting sacked over and over, and I must have tweaked my elbow again," he said. "It's a real shame, because I was really looking forward to coming back this week."
Palmer also responded to criticism that he had been using the injury as an excuse to avoid playing for the Bengals as the team struggles this season. Newspaper reports have had him doing several activities that would appear to place great strain on his injured elbow, including golfing, playing tennis, and arm wrestling.
"That's all part of my rehabilitation program," Palmer said. "I know it might look bad, but my doctor assures me that this aggressive, alternative form of treatment is what's best for me right now."
Palmer has been working with his personal doctor instead of Bengals' team trainers, and has not let them inspect his injured elbow in the past four weeks. Palmer's physician, Dr. Leo Spaceman, was not available for comment.
Although he didn't want to speculate, Palmer said the soft tissue injury in his elbow could take "months, maybe years" to heal, but added that it would probably heal faster if he was playing somewhere other than Cincinnati.
OAKLAND - Sources inside the Oakland Raiders organization report that owner and GM Al Davis has reached an agreement with John McCain to become the team's next head coach at the end of this season. Davis apparently told office staff that after watching McCain's Presidential concession speech last night, he feels as though the 72-year-old Senator and war hero has the ability to inject "youthful vigor and new energy" into the once-proud Raiders team despite his total lack of football experience.
"That John McCain, he's a real firecracker," Davis is reported to have told a team of executives this morning. "When you're a can-do kind of leader like him, I don't care if you don't know anything about football - players will listen to you. I'll handle the play calling - he just needs to worry about motivating the team to victory, and I'm sure he'll do just that."
McCain would replace interim head coach Tom Cable. Despite his stated belief in McCain's ability's to be a head football coach with no experience, some Raiders staff members wonder if Davis has ulterior motives for bringing McCain on-board.
"He just wants someone out front who is even more clueless than him," a source said anonymously. "Plus, McCain almost makes Al seem sprightly and youthful by comparison."
Davis also allegedly told close confidants that "judging by how much he sold himself out to try and be President, he'll have no trouble doing what I tell him to do. Unlike that ungrateful pink Kiffin. Kiffin!!!"
Davis then continued to shout former head coach Lane Kiffin's name for several minutes while shaking his fist in the air before being sedated by his personal assistants and lead back to his office/rejuvenation chambers.
Reached at his home in Scottsdale, AZ, McCain said he would be open to the offer, provided that the Raider girls understand that their jobs are to "look pretty and not go making foolish and stupid suggestions and opening their mouths to the media and screwing things up for me."
As was so eloquently noted, I totally botched the link to add the Your Face Twitter feed to your friend feed. Here is the correct link. Please add it, and...whatever.
I treat the BCS rankings like Christmas - there's no reason to even think about it until November and even then that's probably far too soon. But the first poll of November is out and, predictably, people are losing their damned minds over it. Texas Tech jumps past Penn State! USC falls to No. 7 after winning 56-0! Utah, Boise St. and TCU all in the Top 12! It's chaos!
Of course, there's still a whole month of football left to be played, so reading too much into these rankings is very dangerous. However, there are a few things I think we can safely assume based on where things stand right now:
Penn State fans need to shut up already
Yes, it's a tough break to get jumped in polls when you had a bye week. Or so the Nittany Lion fans are screaming today after Texas Tech moved ahead of them in the rankings. But keep this in mind: Penn State didn't "fall" in the rankings - they were No. 3 before the week started and No. 3 at the end of the week. The only difference is which two teams are ahead of them, with Texas Tech replacing Texas.
I don't see how you can argue with placing the Red Raiders ahead of Penn State this week. Rankings should be based on how well people have performed against the teams they have played to that point in the season. Up until last week, voters were holding off on rewarding Texas Tech for being 8-0, since they have a daunting gauntlet of games to close the season. But now that they've got through the first step and knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, you have to place them higher. They play in a better conference and they have the best win of any of the three undefeated teams at the top of the polls.
But most importantly, this is an incredibly moot point. If Texas Tech wins out, that means they will have beaten Texas, Oklahoma State, Baylor and either Missouri or Kansas in the Big 12 title game. And there would be no possible argument for keeping them out of the BCS title game then. If they lose once, where they are ranked today is meaningless as long as Penn State keeps winning.
If I was a Penn State fan, I'd be more ticked off at Alabama moving up to No. 1 than Texas Tech going to No. 2. Let's be honest about this: what exactly is the Crimson Tide's signature win? Georgia? The same team that got hammered by Florida this week? The Clemson team that fired their head coach midway through the season? Tennessee, who just fired their coach today? I'd argue that Penn State's win over Oregon State (more on them in a minute) is looking far more impressive by the week, while Alabama's earlier wins lose more and more of their luster.
Utah, Boise St., TCU, BYU and Ball State fans should learn to hate Ohio State as much as the rest of the college football world does
Why? Their BCS bowl chances might be directly tied to how Ohio State does in their final three games against Northwestern, Illinois and Michigan. To attempt to briefly explain: any school from a non-BCS conference that is ranked in the Top 12 of the final regular season BCS poll is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game. But if more than two teams are in the Top 12, only the highest-ranking is guaranteed a spot. Which is potentially bad news for Utah, TCU and Boise St., all in the Top 12 this week.
Only teams in the Top 16 are eligible for at-large BCS berths and - here's the big catch - no conference can send more than two teams to BCS bowl games. Right now nine of the top 16 spots in the BCS are taken by teams from two conferences: the SEC and the Big 12. And there is almost no chance that the ACC, Big East or PAC-10 will send two teams. (See next item for the one percent chance that the PAC-10 sends two schools.)
Doing the math: there are four at-large berths. Second teams from the Big 12 and SEC will get two of those four, as (almost certainly) will the highest-finishing non-BCS school. Leaving the final BCS at-large berth to go to another BCS Buster or...Ohio State.
Yes, the same cockroaches that ruined the last two championship games are all that stand in the way of the greatest season in non-BCS football history. They sit at No. 12 in the current rankings. If they win out, they'll get the final BCS at-large berth. If they slip up, that spot will almost have to go to a non-BCS team in the Top 16 (even Ball State could get the nod).
In some small way, we all should be rooting for Northwestern next week.
USC is screwed, screwed, screwed (and deservedly so)
After USC lost to Oregon State, I told anyone who would listen that the Trojans' BCS Title hopes were done. And everyone tried to convince me that USC was still alive. "Just look at the carnage last season," they said. "They win out and they'll be fine."
Looking at the first week of November, and I stand by my earlier statement. They don't just need upsets to start happening, but huge upsets with teams way outside of the BCS rankings to take down big names. Texas Tech knocking off Texas might have seemed like a break for the Trojans, for example, but it turned out to be the worst thing imaginable - not only did the Red Raiders leap over USC, but Texas didn't fall behind them.
Without getting into drawn-out rationales, here are the relevant facts:
The Big 12 champion is making it to the BCS title game. In order for this not to happen, it would take a scenario so convoluted that M. Night Shymalayan would dismiss it as crackpot for there not to be at least one team left with one loss, and there is no way a one-loss Big 12 team is getting left out of the mix.
Alabama goes if they run the table. The best team most likely to beat them: one-loss Florida, who would certainly go ahead of USC if they win out. They only way USC would be picked ahead of the SEC champion is if Florida loses again but beats Alabama in the SEC title game. And even then, one-loss Alabama might still go ahead of USC (sending a team that lost its conference championship is a nightmare scenario for the BCS).
Penn State has the easiest path to going undefeated. But if they slip up, they are done. (There is no way a one-loss Big Ten team makes it, period.)
In poker terms, USC has pockets 4s against other teams' pocket aces. And the Trojans don't even control their own BCS fate: if Oregon State wins out, they would get the PAC-10 title and Rose Bowl berth, sending USC to other BCS game. (This is the one percent chance of this happening, considered Oregon State barely beat a lousy ASU team at home on Saturday, and still have to play Oregon, Cal and Arizona.)
STATE COLLEGE, PA - 81-year-old Joe Paterno, seething after his Nittany Lions were jumped by Texas Tech for the No. 2 spot in this week's BCS rankings, vowed to do everything he can to make sure Coaches' and Harris Poll voters know just how old and feeble he is to gain valuable sympathy votes to move back ahead in the rankings.
"An old man like me, jeez, I'm not going to get too many more chances," Paterno said. "I've got this bum knee and hip, and you know what that usually means for old people - a drastic collapse in health followed by sudden death. But if I knew that were playing for a national championship in January, that might be enough to keep me going."
Sources close to the legendary head coach said that along with playing up the status of his injured leg - which has kept him in the press box for much of this season - Paterno planned on a pattern of activities designed to show voters how frail and aging he is in order to elict enough sympathy for voters to put him in one last National Title game. Paterno's plans include:
Visibly soiling himself during an interview with Erin Andrews before the team's game against Michigan St.
Being shown in the press box during the team's game against Iowa being fed by his wife, with oatmeal being smeared all over his face and hair.
Wondering when they started letting "Negros" play football.
During all media interviews, addressing the reporter as "Grantland".
PORTLAND - While reviewing MRI test results on Thursday that showed he will miss 2-4 weeks with a sprained foot, oft-injured Portland Trailblazer Greg Oden told technicians that he "really regretted" leasing his personal MRI machine instead of buying it from the dealer.
Greg Oden's personal MRI machine, which the factory is "going to kill him on" when his lease is up
"Man, look at how many minutes I've used over the past year," Oden said, as he looked at a read-out showing how long the machine had been used for since he leased it from Rose City Medical Supply in 2007. "I am going to get killed with penalties when the lease is up next year."
Oden, the No. 1 pick by Portland in 2007 , has been plagued with a host of injuries since college and missed all of his rookie season with a knee injury. After having dealt with going to hospitals and private facilities to get frequently MRI tests in college, Oden decided to have one installed in the basement of his suburban Portland home last year after he was drafted.
Instead of spending the $1.5 million a new machine costs, Oden made the decision to lease the machine over the next few years. But Oden failed to read the fine print, which includes steep penalties for using the machine more than two hours total per year, a number he has far exceeded.
"This is how they get you - hidden costs, surcharges," Oden lamented to his team of personal MRI technicians completing his tests. "When my lease is up next year, I'm going to get hosed and then still not a machine to show for it. I should have listened to Grant."
"Grant" is NBA star Grant Hill, who recommended to Oden that he purchase a machine outright during a discussion at a chairty NBA Live event immediately after Oden was drafted.
"Buying an MRI machine was the best decision I've ever made," said Hill, whose career has frequently been derailed by injuries. "In fact, I love my MRI machine so much, that's what got me interested in creating my own."
The Grant Hill Heat Vision MRI Machine, created by Nike and Qwest Medical Devices, will debut in medical imaging catalogs and Foot Lockers in early 2009.
PHILADELPHIA - Moments after their World Series-clinching Game 5 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays, Philadelphia Phillies fans quickly turned from joyous to angry, viciously booing and heckling the Commissioner's Trophy given to the series winner for being "totally gay" and "fucking retarded."
"Nice fucking flags, you piece of shit trophy," screamed Jimmy Gionolli from his seats in the right field bleachers soon after the Commissioner's Trophy was awarded to the Phillies. "Might as well make those rainbow flags on there, you faggot trophy!"
Fans who had been exalting in the city's first professional sports title in 25 years just minutes ago quickly turned their anger to the trophy. Matt Spaniacho, a 35-year-old electrician, took time from leading his section in chants of "Fuck Yourself, Trophy!" to explain his actions.
"I mean, I remember when the 76ers won the NBA title back in '83 - now that was a fucking trophy," he said. "This thing...I mean, just look at this fucking thing. You can't even drink a God damned beer out of it."
Phillies fans' reactions reflect the city's personality, said Temple University clinical pschyology professor Alfred Deacon.
"It's a cliche, but it's true - Philadelphia fans literally don't know how to deal with success," Deacon said. "Much like an abused animal, they have been so used to negativitity that when presented with something positive, they lash out."
Deacon then proceded to overturn a couch in his office and set it on fire while screaming "Fuck yeah, Phillies motherfuckers!"
As you may have noticed, we've stopped with the predictions. Basically, when the "winner" is going lucky to break .500, it's just embarrassing. So having completed shredded all credibility that I might have dreamed about having as a college football expert with my asinine picks, I've decided to start telling you what to watch, with a handy viewing guide for the weekend's games.
All listings come from the invaluable Matt's College Sports on TV Website. Check your local listings for...blah blah blah. Consider this your guide for going into a football-related coma until the NFL games on Sunday.
FRIDAY
Boise St. @ San Jose St. (6 pm PT/9 pm ET, ESPN2)
Here we are, moving into November, and I'll be damned if Boise St. isn't there contending for a BCS bowl berth again. And their doing it without a huge contribution from Ian Johnson, the poster boy of their Fiesta Bowl win. See what happens when you get married?
Meanwhile, San Jose St. has a pair of brothers who, for the first time in NCAA history, are each leading a major statistical category: Carl Ihenacho (tackles for loss) and his brother Duke (interceptions). But of course, I care more about the fact that the Spartans now refer to them as The Nacho Brothers, a nickname so awesome, it takes The Four Horsement out behind the middle school and impregnates it.
In fact, they should just go the Joe Theismann route and change their name to match the marketing ploy. I can't imagine anything better than being named Duke Nacho, but I'm biased. Maybe Duke Pizza would be close.
SATURDAY
Early Morning Game: Texas Tech @ Kansas (9 am PT/noon ET, ESPN)
ZOMG! NO ONE PLAYS DEFENSE! THEY WILL SCORE 150 POINTS!
Usually this kind of hyperbole leads to 20-13 snoozers. But there is no way that these two offenses and defenses (I'm looking at you, Jayhawks) will let that happen. Ever play Madden, but actually with 15 minute quarters, only to get burnt out when the score reaches 500? You might have some of that fatigue taking place in this game...if you hate scoring in football, and are a lefty Commie terrorist pal-arounder.
As you've been reminded all week, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME, as the winner still has a shot at making it to the BCS Title Game, while the loser gets their second loss and is almost certainly done. I guess. I mean, wasn't that what we said after LSU lost to Kentucky in November last year for their second defeat?
That being said, I haven't seen a thing from LSU that would led me to believe that they can score enough points to keep up with Georgia. Save for one awful half against Alabama, and the Bulldogs are the clear No. 1 team in the country right now. Yeah, going into LSU is tough, but the Bulldogs are far and away the superior team.
Evening Game: Penn St. @ Ohio St. (5 pm PT/8 pm ET, ABC)
The only thing I'm getting more sick of hearing about than Joe Paterno's leg is the Ohio St. Cockroach effect, as in "you keep writing them out of the national title chase, and they keep coming back." They keep coming back year after year because while they might lose one game, other teams find ways to lose two or more. That being said, they'll need win out and get some help to have a chance. Meanwhile, I think one loss dooms Penn St. - like Alabama, pollsters don't really believe in them, I think, and are looking for an excuse to drop them down.
In other words, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME. If this becomes a laugher at halftime, feel free to cruise over to ESPN to see if Alabama has finally fallen on its face yet (and wouldn't it be amazing if Tennessee was the team to do the trick) or check and see if you get Fox Sports to see a USC vs. Arizona game that I think is going to be far more competitive than most people. TRAP GAME!
ST. PETERSBURG, FL - In a stunning move, the Commissioner's office today announced that the World Series has been canceled at the request of the two participants. At a hastily-called press conference, Commissioner Bud Selig said that he made the move after receiving late-night phone calls from representatives of the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies on the eve of Game 1.
"Both teams made it clear that they after all the excitement of reaching the World Series, losing would be heartbreaking," said Bud Selig. "They asked if we could just skip the World Series, and to my surprise, our broadcast partner Fox agreed immediately."
Rays manager Joe Maddon said that his team was so happy to be there that they really didn't want to play the game.
"Really, nothing could top Game 7 against the Red Sox," Maddon said, referring to his team's dramatic win over the defending World Series champs in the ALCS. "So why bother? If we beat the Phillies, it's not like we beat the Red Sox again. And if we lose, that's just going to hurt the psyche of our young team as we get ready to do what's most important next season - defend our AL East crown."
For his part, Phillies GM Pat Gillick said that the "unique nature" of his hometown team's fans was the No. 1 reason that his team chose to opt out of the World Series. Philadelphia sports fans have not seen their pro teams win a championship in 25 years.
"You know how brutal Philly fans are, and we didn't want to risk getting this close and losing," Gillick said. "Honestly, some of the guys were getting pretty fearful for their safety if he had lost. So we decided it was better to not try at all instead of trying, failing, and getting killed by our fans."
Selig said that the pregame festivities ahead of Game 1 will still take place, including a Navy jet flyover, fireworks show and the National Anthem as sung by the Backstreet Boys. However, after player introductions, both teams will be giving their League Championship rings, and each allowed a turn running around the field with the World Series trophy before leaving the stadium.
"Hey, I feel just sick about having to cancel the World Series," Selig said. "But it's not like we haven't done it before."
Barring an upset of epic proportions, the BYU vs. Utah game should be the biggest game in Mountain West Conference history - two undefeated, Top Ten teams playing each other with a shot at a BCS bowl game (or more) at stake. It's a game so big that there's only one sports channel that could handle it: The MountainWest Sports Network.
That's right - the biggest game in non-BCS conference football history is coming, and it's going to be on "The mtn.", a network that practically doesn't exist: it's on the backwoods of DirectTV (probably somewhere in between The Salt Water Fishing Channel and The Australian Rules Football Network) and a smattering of cable companies in Rocky Mountain states.
So for that 99 percent of you who live anywhere else and don't have DirectTV, you're totally out of luck. It's the same scenario as when the NFL Network had the rights to the Patriots vs. Giants game to close out the regular season last year, except it doesn't appear there will be any common sense decision made to simulcast the game. I'll let network GM Kim Carver explain it:
Now with DirecTV carrying the channel, Carver said simulcasting the game isn't necessary because her network is national.
In other words, if you don't have the mtn. and aren't planning to attend the game at Rice-Eccles Stadium, you'd better make some friends who get the network.
"We are pretty excited to be carrying the game," Carver said. "It could be a very big game."
Carver estimated her network is carried in about 5 million to 8 million households this season, compared with just 1.2 million a year ago.
"We've had significant growth," she said. "People have choices."
I know I have a choice: go to a sports bar that might happen to carry it, or don't watch it. At least I have that option - with the vast majority of both team's fans being Mormon, I don't think heading down to Hooters with the wife and 12 kids is a great option for watching the game. I can picture Mrs. Young getting her magic underwear in a bunch now.
And here's the amazing part: The mtn. is No. 3 on the pecking order for choices of Mountain West games each week, behind sister stations Versus and CBS College Sports (each with much wider distribution). Meaning that both other networks passed on the biggest game in Mountain West Conference history to show the following games:
Air Force at TCU and Oregon St. at Arizona (Versus)
Conference USA game TBD (CBS College Sports)
That's right: CBS College Sports would rather make sure to lock in an unknown Conference USA game rather than BYU vs. Utah. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the conference, and they are blowing it. And based on the fact that the two schools have previously hired lawyers to fight the conference's lousy distribution package, I imagine there is some righteous anger going on at Utah and BYU right now as well.
If nothing else, I'm sure ABC or ESPN would love to have the game, and would be willing to pay top dollar to purchase the rights for just that one game. Imagine how many blue nametags or extra bicycle helmets they could buy in Utah with the money they could make?
As I'm sure you've seen and heard if you've watched more than 10 minutes of a NFL broadcast this season, the NFL Network is using Morrissey's "Everyday Is Like Sunday" as the centerpiece of their new advertising campaign. Apparently, it was only the second most wholly-inappropriate 80s song they could find, but the royalties cost for U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" were just too high. If you haven't seen the commercial yet, here it is:
Which got me thinking: if you're going to use one Morrissey song, why not dip into ihs whole back catalog, including his songs with The Smiths? I have some suggestions that the NFL Network could use to create team-specific commercials for this season:
Panic - New England Patriots (they might want to change the chorus to "hang Matt Cassel, hang Matt Cassel, hang Matt Cassel")
The Last of the Famous International Playboys - Arizona Cardinals (lots of shots of Matt Leinart partying with coeds cut with him sitting on the sidelines)
How Soon Is Now? - For the young, upstart Buffalo Bills
The Ordinary Boys - Dallas Cowboys
There's A Place In Hell For Me And My Friends - Detroit Lions
Bigmouth Strikes Again - Cincinnati Bengals (featuring highlights of Chad Ocho Cinco)
We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful - Green Bay Packers
The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get - The suddenly 5-0 Tennessee Titans
You're The One For Me, Fatty - Philadelphia Eagles, focusing on corpulent head coach Andy Reid
You Have Killed Me - Kansas City Chiefs, with highlights of Tony Gonzalez walking off the field following defeat after defeat
As you know, I'm far from a Dodgers fan, and seeing them fall apart so completely last night against the Phillies - well, that was pretty fun. But from what I'm hearing, one of the biggest, most popular sports bars in the LA area is sticking it to Dodgers fans even harder than I would endorse. Several sources have told me that Big Wangs North Hollywood - the recently-opened offshoot of the popular Big Wangs sports bar in Hollywood - has banned anyone from wearing Dodger gear, whether the team is playing or not.
But here's the kicker - when you go down tomorrow night for the Phillies/Dodgers game, you can wear a Phillies hat, jersey, shirt...hell, you can show up as the Phillie Phanatic for all they care, and that won't be a problem. But God help you if you have any Dodgers apparel on. You know, the most popular team in Los Angeles?
The story is that there was a fight at the bar last weekend, and the instigator had a Dodgers cap on. So the management decided to be completely logical and measured in their response, by banning any Dodger apparel of any kind in the bar.
I've heard of clubs banning sports wear, but that's usually either to enforce a dress code or to eliminate gang colors. But a sports bar? In North Hollywood? And if you are going to specifically target one team, do you really want to upset Dodger fans? They are acting as if the problem wasn't that an oafish, drunken Dodger fan got into a fight, but that an oafish, drunken Dodger fan got into a fight because he had a Dodgers hat on. Which is lunacy.
I called Big Wangs North Hollywood and spoke to a waitress/bartender who confirmed everything I had been told. Her line was "you can't take the punk out of the jersey, but you can...you know...take the jersey out of the punk, or whatever." I'm sure she's a sweet girl, probably with big melons.
I've never heard of a sports bar banning the apparel of their hometown team, especially when that team is in the playoffs. Needless to say, there are a lot of pissed off Dodger fans who are vowing never to come back. Hardly the kind of word of mouth a bar that just opened in a new location needs, right?
Note: I would suggest that Big Wangs put something about this on their Web site so people can know before they show up, but since the site currently seems to be suspended with a note to "contact the billing/support department as soon as possible," it seems like they have bigger fish to fry.
I'm so discombobulated from last night that I don't even want to do these stupid picks. Plus I have to drink a shot of Sriracha this weekend. So I'm going to let McLane intro this week's picks:
McLane:
If I weren't such a stupid homer I'd have gone 5-0 last week. 4-1 and not having to do a shot of Sriracha is a good feeling, but 5-0 would have been unbelievably sweet. I have a feeling this will be a good weekend again. Don't touch me, you'll get burned.
I'm excited for this weekend's slate of games. My only disappointment is that the frauds from my alma mater aren't playing this weekend. I'd love to pick against the Devils. My grandmother can cover a swing pass better than that. She'd at least make some adjustments. Assholes.
I understand the 'Noles are the home team here but let's face it. Dan Hawkins' team is better than Bobby Bowden's. I'll take the points and the up and coming program.
Colorado State +26 1/2 at CALIFORNIA
We get to bet against a Pac-10 team favored by nearly four touchdowns? Sign me up.
Fresno State -7 1/2 at UCLA
The Bruins are the gift that keeps on giving this year. I L-O-V-E UCLA
Alabama +7 at GEORGIA
That Nick Saban. He's so hot right now.
PENN STATE -16 vs Illinois
JoePa's Nittany Lions are stupid good this year. Good enough to push Ohio State aside and sneak into the BCS Championship.'
The Duke:
I'm really not thrilled about that Sriracha burning through me this weekend. I'm also not thrilled that I think there are some shenanigans going on with McLane's payoff from his Week 2 loss.
AUBURN -7 vs. Tennessee
I'm still doubtful at asking Auburn to score seven points during any game this season, but Tennessee is as terrible as their coach is fat. Big Phil needs another nail in his coffin, and Auburn's going to give it to him.
GEORGIA -7 vs. Alabama
I keep getting burned by betting against Alabama, but the law of averages says it's going to work at some point. And Knowshon Moreno sure as hell can help tip that law of averages in your favor.
Wisconsin -6 at MICHIGAN
The Badgers went to Fresno State and took out the Bulldogs. You mean to tell me that they can't take care of the Wolverines on the road? I know comparative reasoning sucks, but Fresno has to be a tougher place to win at than Michigan right now, right?
Purdue +1 at NOTRE DAME
I get to pick against Notre Dame, and I get a point? Let me take out a second mortgage on this one.
New Mexico -3 at NEW MEXICO STATE
I know that anything can happen in a rivalry game - I was in Albuquerque for this game once, and the streets were wild. Well, wild for Albuquerque, meaning not very wild at all. The Lobos roll - plus, NMSU head coach Hal Mumme is a dirty, cheating coach who can't even be all that successful.
This is what the perspective of having a kid does for you. A couple of years ago, I would have tried to punch out a wall if USC had an epic failure like last night against Oregon St. At the very least, I would have drank enough during and after the game to think that the wall was getting lippy with me, and totally had it coming.
But I didn't get mad. Hell, I didn't even watch the second half: I was so disgusted about the game that I went out to get pizza with the family and some friends, listening to the game on radio in spurts. I also hoped that by not watching, I could change the team's luck around somehow, because I am a weak and stupid man who falls back on superstition when things aren't going well.
The thing is, it's more than just a better perspective on life that's making me feel "meh" about the loss. It's getting to the point that this is just what I expect from USC at some point during the season: a jaw-droppingly bad loss against a team that the Trojans should throttle. It what the team does.
As I mentioned in my Speed Read post at SPORTS by BROOKS earlier today, this is all on Pete Carroll, If any other coach had his track record of failing against lesser teams, there would be a lot more criticism than whatever Teflon Pete is going to get. And he should get a lot of heat: after Stanford last season, there's no excuse for a USC team to ever overlook an opponent - and that's exactly what happened.
LOS ANGELES - USC head football coach Pete Carroll today announced that starting cornerback Shareece Wright would be suspended for six games following his arrest over Labor Day weekend for resisting a police officer. Carroll also said that a hairline fracture of Wright's vertebrae would sideline him for six weeks.
"I know people were criticizing us for letting Shareece play against Ohio State after this information came to light, but like we said, we wanted to gather all the information before we made a decision," Carroll said. "We didn't want to rush toi judgement, so we made sure we talked to his lawyers, reviewed all the court records, had the trainers review his MRIs and get a second opinion from an orthopedic specialist."
Carroll denied that the timing and length of Wright's suspension had anything to do with his injury, calling that "one of those weird coincidences." However, he did note that Wright could have his suspension lifted earlier, depending on the results of his court case, or how well he responds to treatment.
LOS ANGELES - In an emotional press conference today, Los Angeles Dodgers officials announced that Nomar Garciaparra had been euthanized, two days after he injured his left knee rounding the bases in a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
"Nomar gave us all he had for such a long time," said Dodgers general manager Ned Coletti, fighting back tears while addressing the media. "But with his history of injuries, and the likelihood of his recovery being slim to none, we thought the humane thing to do would be to put him out of his misery."
Dodgers trainers said they had attempted to keep Garciaparra off of his injured leg, but he had fought all restraints, refusing to lay down while shouting "What are you doing?" and "Hey, I'm not a horse!"
Dodger fan Joe McClendon, who brought his family to the game on Wednesday, said watching Garciaparra break down in front of a packed stadium was a disturbing sight.
"You bring kids to the game, and you don't want them to see that," McClendon said. "But at least they didn't have to put him down right there - I saw they had the portable curtain thing out just in case. If that happened, we wouldn't have come back."
We're a week behind in doling out the punishment in the 2008 Handicapabling Challenge. That is to say, McLane needs to eat his cesos taco. So what do we do this week? How about the loser drinking a nice, full shot of Siracha hot sauce? What better way to wash down some tasty brains, right McLane?
Now, on to the Week 4 picks...
MCLANE:
Ohio +12 vs NORTHWESTERN
Seems like a hell of a lot of points. Right? Who's with me? Anyone?
Arizona -3 vs UCLA
UCLA reached a new low last week. Tuitama won't pass for 19 touchdown or whatever it was the kid (or should I say man? He's probably 42) from BYU threw for last week, but the Wildcats will come away with a win by a couple of touchdowns.
LSU -3 vs AUBURN
Final score prediction: 8-2.
Florida -7 vs TENNESSEE
The Fatty Philip Fulmer Farewell Tour continues. Urban Meyer OWNS that fat tub of goo.
ARIZONA STATE +7 vs Georgia
The Devils gave new definition to the term crap the bed last week against UNLV but it may have been the best thing that could have happened going into this game. Erickson will have his team prepared, Tempe will be rocking, and Rudy Carpenter won't suck quite as much as he usually does.
Who am I kidding? It's a homer pick, through and through.
THE DUKE:
Central Michigan +10.5 @ PURDUE
LeFevour Power, baby! A moderately high profile Big 10 team is due to get knocked out by a MAC team this season. It's going to happen here.
ARKANSAS +9 vs. Alabama
I sense a very, very low scoring game. Not quite an Auburn game, but enough that nine points is an awful lot to ask Alabama to cover on the road.
UCLA +3 vs. Arizona
UCLA is a better home team against the spread the last few seasons than you would think. And Arizona is god awful on the road under Mike Stoops. Just the type of game the Bruins win to get their fans worked up before another crushing loss.
Georgia -7 @ ARIZONA STATE
Yeah McLane, that's a homer pick. This line is way off - it should be at least a double digit spread. If this was a day game in the usual Arizona 150 degree heat, maybe the Sun Devils would have a chance.
TOLEDO +7 vs. Fresno State
After being their BCS dreams get busted against Wisconsin, do you think the Bulldogs are excited about going on the road to take on the Rockets? The start of another long, painful slide for a Pat Hill team after almost knocking off a big ticket school.
I've been going to USC football games at the Coliseum for 15 years now, and I've defending the stadium to anyone and everyone who will listen.
"Sure, it could use some work, but it's a great stadium. The sight lines are great, and you have such history. Yeah, it could use some sprucing up, but that's what makes it so charming."
But after going to the USC/Ohio State game on Saturday with my wife and daughter, I'm officially giving up on the place. It's time to take the blinders off and realize that I can't defend it anymore - it's a horrible stadium that is in danger of completely falling apart. Not only is it inconvenient and creaky, it's physically dangerous.
(I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest. I feel like Betty from Mad Men, telling Don to leave and don't come home. Excuse me while I put on a party dress and drink a bottle of Wild Turkey.)
First, it's a nightmare getting to your seats. As I heard from dozens of Ohio State fans, "Couldn't they build some escalators to get to the upper seats?" And there are a few, but not nearly enough. Keep in mind these were Ohio State fans we're talking about, with their rigorous Midwestern workout and eating regiments, so take their complaints about physical exhortation at face value.
Then there's the concesison stands. The one I went to didn't take credit card. How is this possible in 2008? And I should point out that the nearest ATM was about a third of the way around the stadium - and not working.
The bathrooms were a nightmare. Basically, in my section, there Blogger: Your Face is a Sports Blog - Create Postis one restroom for men, with two doors - one clearly marked entrance and the other clearly marked exit. But because the line to wait was so huge, people were going in the exit side. Which kind of made sense in one way - the bathrooms are so poorly laid out, that if you come in the regular way, you don't realize there's a whole section of urinals further down no one is using, because you're afraid if you walk past the first section, you'll lose your place.
The problem is that with everyone coming in the wrong way, it makes it impossible to exit. I literally stood in line five minutes to get into the restroom, and at least 10 coming out. Good thing it was an ABC Extend-O-Rama Halftime or else I would have missed the start of the third quarter.
But the real problem is the stadium itself. Nothing sums up how bad things have become more than this story from near the end of the second quarter of the game. My wife is fiddling under her seat to get some food out for our 14-month-old daughter. As she looks behind the seat, she sees a giant Black Widow spider about halfway up the seat. And in case you think there's some over-dramatization taking place here, it was 100 percent a Black Widow - red hourglass spot n the back and everything.
My wife is the strongest person I know, but she hates bugs. (And her dad is an exterminator - go to town on that one, Freud.) So she takes off out of the seats and into the walkway above (our seats were the top row of the first level, so the walkway between levels was directly above us - in fact, the spider had crawled out of a crack in that wall). I'm there standing up holding my baby, which doesn't put me in a great position to do anything.
Some guy a few seats over tried to kill it with his keys, but it crawled into the wall before he could get it. He tried to stuff napkins into the hole to keep it from coming back out. Needless to say, this was not a soilid enough solution for my wife.
Security was called, maintenance reports were filed...it was a mess. We were told that to switch seats, we would have to walk to the ticket office at the other end of the stadium and go through a huge process. The crisis was "solved" when the spider came back out, and our neighbor was able to smasj it with his keys.
But still, Black Widow spiders? Seriously? LIke I said, that's the last straw for me. It's time to do something massive to renovate the place. Or, do it the Mafia way - torch the place and collect the insurance money. If they need it, I know a guy who can do some stuff for them, if you know what I mean.
Well, we're each 1-1. McLane had to drink a raw egg last night. I have video of it that I'll post later today. It's outstanding.
So what's at stake this week? Loser has to eat a sesos taco. We're talking about a cow brain taco here. Not only is it gross, but the loser is running the real possibility of getting mad cow disease. Good times!
As usual, McLane's picks first, followed by mine:
* * * McLane
Navy +1-1/2 at DUKE
Duke may have gained a coach who knows what the hell he is doing (at least sort of,) but the Midshipmen will still take care of business with not the double, but the TRIPLE (run for the hills!) option.
Iowa State +14-1/2 vs Iowa
The Hawkeyes are good at two things: getting arrested and losing to Chizik's Cyclones. As usual, they'll have more talent this year, but Kirk Ferentz has completely lost it and his team doesn't stand a chance of covering.
East Carolina -13 at TULANE
I got off the Pirate bandwagon last week and it cost me dearly. Never again. Bless me Skip Holtz, for I have sinned. I'm hopping right back on and hoping their defense does the same thing to the Green Wave that it did to Pat White and Noel Devine, eg/ie/fuck you: embarrassment.
Georgia -7-1/2 at SOUTH CAROLINA
Steve Spurrier is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo.
ARIZONA STATE -23 vs UNLV
Grandmama, the Plastic Man and Greg Anthony can suit up for the Runnin' Rebs' and it won't be enough to compete with the Devils and their complete and utter douchebag quarterback, Rudy Carpenter. I hate you, Rudy. I hate you.
*** The Duke
Kansas +3.5 at SOUTH FLORIDA
I have little to now faith that South Florida is anything other than a one-season fluke. Plus, there's a very real chance that Mark Mangino might eat Jim Leavitt before the game. Because he's fat.
MARYLAND +14.5 vs. California
A bit of a reach here. Yeah, I know that Maryland stinks. But Cal has a history of going on the road and falling apart against non-conference opponents. Plus, they can't possibly score 66 points again, right?
BYU -7.5 vs. UCLA
If it wasn't for the fact that a) BYU was the beneficiary of one of the worst decisions in PAC-10 officiating history (and that's saying a lot) and a lot of people think they should have lost that game, and b) UCLA was the beneficiary of one of the worst collapses in Tennesse football history (again, that's saying a lot), this spread would be at least two touchdowns. And if BYU is going to seemingly play five or six PAC-10 teams a year, why not just go ahead and make them a conference member?
Wisconsin -2.5 at FRESNO STATE
I know the Bulldogs. I've seen the Bulldogs. And I know that this is exactly the type of game where they come out and lay a giant egg on national TV. When expectations are highest, they perform the worst. If people thought that they had no chance against the Badgers, they'd probably win by 20. But since this is such a trendy "upset" pick that it's not really an upset anymore, they'll fall apart.
Ohio State (+11.5) at USC
Do I think that the Buckeyes are going to win this game? Absolutely not. But even with Beanie Wells "out" (using the biggest air quotes I can muster), will Ohio State make this competitive. Absolultely. Good teams have bad weeks, which is exactly what the Buckeyes had against Ohio last week. Meanwhile, I've learned nothing from USC's drubbing of Virginia other than how lousy Virginia is.
This will be a game until the fourth quarter, when USC scored a late TD to ice it.
NASHVILLE - The Tennessee Titans today announced that they had installed a LoJack system on starting QB Vince Young, two days after after a disturbing incident where he went missing for four hours without informing the team or his Mom of his whereabouts.
"We think it's for everyone's best interest, including Vince's, that we know where he is at all times," said Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "Nashville isn't New York or LA, but it's a big, dangerous city and there's a lot of trouble out there. We can't watch over him all the time, as much as we would like to."
Although usually used for tracking and recovering stolen cars, the Titans said they commissioned LoJack to develop a special, nanotechnology version of the device implanted directly under Young's skin. The team said they had installed the LoJack on Tuesday, using the ruse of "blood work before the MRI" on Young's injured right knee as cover.
"He didn't seem to question the fact that he said we were drawing blood, but injecting something instead of drawing blood out," said Fisher. "But then again, you know Vince...I guess that goes to show why we can't have him running around outside by himself."
Fisher said that the team usually requires that Young's family use child locks to prevent him from getting outside at night, but an uncle had left the backdoor unlocked. Young also apparently, when becoming hungry during his journey outside, ate the note pinned to his shirt telling people to call the Titans if he was found.
A team of professionals will monitor Young's whereabouts 24 hours a day, using a beta version of Google Maps to pinpoint his precise location. Fisher said that the LoJack and Google Maps system was set up to go into "Red Alert" if it detects that Young has removed his shirt within 500 feet of a bar or club.
Yes, I went 1-4 last week while McLane went 4-1. Which means that I'm on the hook for a "Stuntman" tequila shot. And no, I haven't done it yet. The long answer is that I've been sick for most of the week with a sinus infection, and I didn't think that anything involving snorting salt would be a great idea. The shorter, more accurate answer, is that I'm a giant wimp.
But I am a wimp of my word, and now that I'm feeling better, it will happen (and video will be posted) this weekend. As for Week 2, the side bet: loser drinks a whole raw egg, Rocky-style.
First, the reigning champ's picks:
ARIZONA -23 vs. Toledo
Wildcats vs Mudhens. I'll take the one with the big ol' fangs and sharp claws that likes to score 70 points on teams traveling across the country.
ARIZONA STATE -14 vs. Stanford
Trap game my ass. The Devils have been impressive at home since Erickson took over, and hotshot Harbaugh will be their next victim. Besides, the Cardinals only play well on the road when in Los Angeles. Whoops...
West Virginia -7 1/2 vs. EAST CAROLINA
Skip Holtz is the toast of the proverbial town at the moment, and while his team is certainly up and coming, West Virginia has too many weapons for them to handle. Pat White...he's good.
California -13 1/2 vs WASHINGTON STATE
Christ, I'm picking all favorites and now two of them are on the road. While the only thing the Cougars are good at is getting arrested, I have a feeling this week is not going to end well for me.
Houston +16 vs OKLAHOMA STATE
The 40-year old man's defense is suspect. Houston won't be winning this one but they'll at least make T. Boone Pickens's ass twitch.
And now for The Duke:
Louisiana Tech +20.5 vs KANSAS
I'm more impressed with Lousiana Tech beating a bowl team last week (Mississippi St.) than I am with Kansas blowing out a God-awful team (Florida Atlantic). Don't sleep on the Bulldogs! Plus, I'm guess Mark Mangino spent most of the week in a meat-related coma after eating about 100 kajillion pounds of hot dogs, hamburgers, and gristle from the grill and countless barbeques over Labor Day weekend, so I suspect the Jayhawks won't be as prepared as usual.
California -13.5 vs. WASHINGTON STATE
Cal can't play defense worth a lick, but at least they can score a bunch of points, which is more than I can say for Washington State this season. The Golden Bears aren't as great as their fans think they are, but the Cougars are the worst team in the conference, and there is no way they can score enough points to make this interesting. If this game was at Pullman in November, I'd feel differently.
GEORGIA -23.5 vs. Central Michigan
The Bulldogs fell out of the No. 1 spot last week because they only won their opening game by 24. Do you think they are going to settle for anything less than crushing their next opponent by 50 or more? I feel sorry for the poor Chippewas.
Texas A&M -2.5 vs. NEW MEXICO
Yes, I'm betting on a team that just lost to Arkansas St. At home. And that is coached by Mike Sherman. But New Mexico also looked lousy against TCU. And Texas A&M needs this game...badly. I just don't see them laying a total egg two weeks in a row.
Texas Tech -10.5 vs. NEVADA
Yes, the Wolf Pack are a pretty impressive team, and one of the few squads that could probably trade points with the Red Raiders and survive. But this spread is all wrong to me. Mike Leach is going to be pissed that Tech "only" scored 49 last week against Eastern Washington, and be out for blood (and to pad some individual stats). What I really want to do is take the over on this one: the line is set at 66, but I think 100 would be a more realistic benchmark.
NEW YORK - Following the lead of the LPGA, Major League Baseball announced today that all players must speak English by the start of the 2009 season or be banned from playing. In a related story, it was also announced that due to an expected lack of eligible players, the league would be contracting to eight teams for the 2009 season.
"It's really hampered us that some of our star athletes can't fully participate in marketing baseball here in the U.S. because they don't speak English," said Commissioner Bud Selig at a press conference. "This move addresses that fact. Unfortunately, the only way to address that fact was to eliminate 75 percent of our workforce."
To ensure a high level of play, the Commissioner's Office decided to contract teams rather than calling up the remaining American minor leaguers, lumping together teams from similar geographic regions. Joe Torre, manager of the soon-to-be-called San Angeles Padgers of Anaheim, expressed concern over the plan.
"It doesn't seem fair to be that a kid should have his livelihood taken away just because he can't speak English," Torre said. "I mean, look at Manny Ramirez - just because he grew up in the Dominican and only speaks Spanish, that doesn't mean the fans shouldn't get to see him play."
Torre refused to believe reporters who informed him that Ramirez in fact speaks English and grew up in New York.
Current and former players had differing reactions to the decision. Former Braves closer John Rocker applauded the decision. Meanwhile, Oaklansico Marin-A's star Ichiro Suzuki immediately fired his interpreter, and went on a lengthy tour of radio and TV shows, speaking in eloquent English about ihs feelings on the matter.
Selig said he has hired bilingual lip readers to work with replay officials in New York, and they have permission to indefinitely suspend anyone suspected of speaking a foreign language in the dugout or during a meeting on the mound.
Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.
But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.
So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.
First, my picks:
- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas
I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.
- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon
That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.
- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers
Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.
- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA
I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.
- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama
I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.
And now, presenting the picks for McLane:
I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.
God bless college football.
- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech
I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.
-Alabama +4 1/2@ Clemson
Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.
-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.
This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.
-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA
Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.
-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.
This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.
The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?
BEIJING - Hot off of winning the Olympic 100 and 200 meter events, Jamaican Usain Bolt claimed another gold medal today by setting a new World Record in the long jump. His jump of 29' 10 inches broke Mike Powell's 27 year-old record by 5.5 inches, stunning observers, officials and jumpers who didn't even know Bolt was in the competition.
After the race, Bolt said he was hanging out in the infield watching some friends compete in other events, when he noticed a break between rounds in the long jump final.
"I thought, why not, wouldn't it be funny if I ran down there and tried it," he said. "I've never tried the long jump before, but I guess they're saying that I had a pretty good jump."
Officials were stunned by Bolt's jump, and initially refused to measure it until they realized it was near world record length. They later allowed the jump to count, despite Bolt not being entered in the competition or having qualified through the preliminaries, because "well, it's hard to deny the guy when he broke the world record."
US Track & Field officials saw their protest of the leap denied, leaving Trevell Quinley out of the medal race. Officials based their appeal on the lack of paperwork, the fact that he was still wearing his warm-up jacket and pants with sneakers, and that "it's totally unfair that he's hogging all the Gold medals."
Olympic great Carl Lewis has one of a handful of observers who praised Bolt's abilities, but questioned his showboating antics during his jump.
"I find it disrespectful that he decided to spread his arms and make noises like he was an airplane while he did his jump," Lewis said. "That denegrates all the hard work long jumpers put into their event. That, and the fact that he set a world record having never done it before."
For his part, Bolt said he was done with competitions after the 4 x 100 relay, "unless I can get into that marathon thing on Saturday. How hard could that be?"
I know that some of you have put out an APB for The Duke, since I haven't been posting too much on this here blog lately. The skinny: I've been doing some writing for the last few weeks at Sports by Brooks. It's a great opportunity to write for a top site, and do some writing that's different (i.e. gooder) than what I do here.
However, I have been falling asleep at the switch, so I promise to pay more attention to my home fires, so to speak, in the future. (Note: except the next post here in early 2009.)
There's nothing better than when a head coach is true to his word. Like when Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis told ESPN that there was no room on his team for players with questionable personal histories, after a rash of arrests, suspensions and general dumbassery by his team. Problem Child No. 1 being WR Chris Henry, who was cut by the team in April after his sixth arrest.
So of course, who did the Bengals sign today to replace injured star WR Ocho Cinco? Yup, Chris Henry.
In related news, the Detroit Lions have hired Mike Williams as their new Strength & Conditioning Coach, and President Bush has named Osama bin-Laden to head The War on Terror. Yeesh,
BOSTON - Days after Forbes Magazine named Nick Saban as "The Most Powerful Coach in Sports," sources close to the Alabama football coach report that he had gone into hiding after hearing rumors of a pending hit put on his life by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichik.
Saban was absent from practice on Friday, and calls to his home, office and cell phone went unanswered. Sources close to Saban, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for retaliation, confirmed that Saban had been acting strangely over the past 24 hours.
"Nick was sky high after he heard about that Forbes Magazine thing," said the source. "I was hanging out with him at his office, and that's all he could talk about. Then his secretary came in and handed him a fax from the Patriots...man, as soon as he read that, he got a blank look on his face. I mean just froze. I don't know what the fax said, but it must have been bad."
There were unconfirmed reports of Saban being spotted at the Tuscaloosa airport in a disguise, asking an American Airlines ticket agent if there were any tickets available to South America that left as soon as possible.
This is not be the first time that Belichik has allegedly taken out rival coaches after they received positive press. Red Sox manager Terry Francona was found beaten and bloodied in the trunk of a car in the Fenway Park parking lots in January after being named "The Best Coach in Boston" by the Boston Globe. Francona refused to talk to police about the incident, calling it a "harmless prank" but authorities suspected Belichik.
"The only thing more frightening than Bill Belichik's power is how he uses it," said former FBI mafia expert John House. "He has a hair trigger and he's easily insulted. That's a dangerous combination for anyone unfortunate enough to cross him."
We all had a favorite teacher in high school. Maybe yours was the nerdy algebra teacher with an affinity for Dungeons and Dragons, or the English Literature teacher half your junior class had a thing for, or perhaps the chemistry teacher that ran Mario Kart 64 tournaments in his lab at lunch and after school. While this last example is actually true in my case, the high school teacher I look back on as my favorite is surely Mr. Corbin.
I had Corbs for two classes in high school. Biology my sophomore year and biochemistry my second semester senior year. The man was a pretty damn good teacher and he certainly made things interesting for us, but what really set him apart from everyone else were his eccentricities.
The man was known to stop in mid-lecture to give five minutes of praise for what he called the greatest beverage on the planet, Iron City Light. He'd often pull his tin of Copenhagen out of his back pocket while making the rounds of our desks during the test and inhale the scent dramatically. Best of all, he'd simply "cancel" class during the first few days of March Madness so we could huddle around his television that looked to be from the Stone Age.
If you couldn't tell already, we didn't attend Corbs' class to learn, it was more about experiencing his overall goofiness. What really put him over the oddball threshold was his love for the 1984 Olympics and the official film from those Games, 16 Days of Glory, directed by Bud Greenspan.
We watched Carl Lewis dominate time and again, we saw Edwin Moses do his invincibility thing countless times, we saw Bud Greenspan set up dozens of clips all while NEVER, EVER TAKING THOSE GLASSES OFF THE TOP OF HIS STUPID HEAD, but we viewed one event more than any other.
Mary Decker getting tripped (skip ahead to 4:50 for the normal speed, 7:30 for the slow motion train wreck) and crying, whining, throwing a fit, getting her diaper changed, and most importantly quitting:
At least that's how Mr. Corbin saw it. You see, much like the great Walter Sobchek, Corbs was a veteran. He played and replayed Decker going down like a ton of bricks for us and always railed against her quitting on the side of the track and not getting up and "chasing that barefoot, little shit down," because as an American athlete, the last thing she should be doing is quitting.
Carl Lewis: WINNER. Edwin Moses: WINNER. Mary Lou Retton: WINNER. Greg Louganis: GAY. Mary Decker: QUITTER.
Besides pointing out Decker's obvious, un-American flaws, another reason behind showing the video was so he could make fun of Decker whining; let's be honest here, that's always a good time. Seriously, look at this:
Never not funny
So I guess my point in all of this is with the Olympics starting tomorrow, Mr. Corbin and his love for the Games are the first thing I think of. Through not teaching me a great deal of biology, he taught me so much more. He showed me the Olympics are all about the big moments and how athletes react to them, if they'll rise to the occasion or buckle under the pressure.
I'll tune in to see if Michael Phelps and his giant mouth of teeth can earn 8 gold medals, and I'll turn on the tube just in time to see USA Basketball suck it up again (I still say they're in trouble...move the ball, fellas,) and I might even make it a point to check out some of that team handball nonsense the Duke loves so much, especially if things get, um, interesting.
And if something awful or out of the ordinary happens, that will just be icing on the cake, making it all the more memorable.
But apparently, snow is not just annoying but just plain dangerous. Just ask Colorado Avalance captain Joe Sakic. The Denver Post says he's going to be out at least three months after a freak snowblower accident that left him with three broken fingers and "severe" tendon damage. 
