2008 Handicapabiling Challenge: Week 2 Picks

Yes, I went 1-4 last week while McLane went 4-1. Which means that I'm on the hook for a "Stuntman" tequila shot. And no, I haven't done it yet. The long answer is that I've been sick for most of the week with a sinus infection, and I didn't think that anything involving snorting salt would be a great idea. The shorter, more accurate answer, is that I'm a giant wimp.

But I am a wimp of my word, and now that I'm feeling better, it will happen (and video will be posted) this weekend. As for Week 2, the side bet: loser drinks a whole raw egg, Rocky-style.

First, the reigning champ's picks:

ARIZONA -23 vs. Toledo

Wildcats vs Mudhens. I'll take the one with the big ol' fangs and sharp claws that likes to score 70 points on teams traveling across the country.

ARIZONA STATE -14 vs. Stanford

Trap game my ass. The Devils have been impressive at home since Erickson took over, and hotshot Harbaugh will be their next victim. Besides, the Cardinals only play well on the road when in Los Angeles. Whoops...

West Virginia -7 1/2 vs. EAST CAROLINA

Skip Holtz is the toast of the proverbial town at the moment, and while his team is certainly up and coming, West Virginia has too many weapons for them to handle. Pat White...he's good.

California -13 1/2 vs WASHINGTON STATE

Christ, I'm picking all favorites and now two of them are on the road. While the only thing the Cougars are good at is getting arrested, I have a feeling this week is not going to end well for me.

Houston +16 vs OKLAHOMA STATE

The 40-year old man's defense is suspect. Houston won't be winning this one but they'll at least make T. Boone Pickens's ass twitch.

And now for The Duke:

Louisiana Tech +20.5 vs KANSAS

I'm more impressed with Lousiana Tech beating a bowl team last week (Mississippi St.) than I am with Kansas blowing out a God-awful team (Florida Atlantic). Don't sleep on the Bulldogs! Plus, I'm guess Mark Mangino spent most of the week in a meat-related coma after eating about 100 kajillion pounds of hot dogs, hamburgers, and gristle from the grill and countless barbeques over Labor Day weekend, so I suspect the Jayhawks won't be as prepared as usual.

California -13.5 vs. WASHINGTON STATE

Cal can't play defense worth a lick, but at least they can score a bunch of points, which is more than I can say for Washington State this season. The Golden Bears aren't as great as their fans think they are, but the Cougars are the worst team in the conference, and there is no way they can score enough points to make this interesting. If this game was at Pullman in November, I'd feel differently.

GEORGIA -23.5 vs. Central Michigan

The Bulldogs fell out of the No. 1 spot last week because they only won their opening game by 24. Do you think they are going to settle for anything less than crushing their next opponent by 50 or more? I feel sorry for the poor Chippewas.

Texas A&M -2.5 vs. NEW MEXICO

Yes, I'm betting on a team that just lost to Arkansas St. At home. And that is coached by Mike Sherman. But New Mexico also looked lousy against TCU. And Texas A&M needs this game...badly. I just don't see them laying a total egg two weeks in a row.

Texas Tech -10.5 vs. NEVADA

Yes, the Wolf Pack are a pretty impressive team, and one of the few squads that could probably trade points with the Red Raiders and survive. But this spread is all wrong to me. Mike Leach is going to be pissed that Tech "only" scored 49 last week against Eastern Washington, and be out for blood (and to pad some individual stats). What I really want to do is take the over on this one: the line is set at 66, but I think 100 would be a more realistic benchmark.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:11 PM 0 comments  

This is worth mentioning...

I was 4 for 4 in picking Tom Petty's set list for the Super Bowl halftime show. Not just which songs he would play, but also in the order in which he would play them.

I swear, if you could have bet money on this, I would be in Tahiti right now...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:30 AM 1 comments  

Your Super Bowl Prediction Haiku

Giants keep it close
Patriots pull away late
Petty is no Prince

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:50 PM 1 comments  

The Handicapable Challenge, Week 2: Part II

OK, so I have to keep the momentum up after going 3-2 last week. It's not a lot of momentum, mind you. Glacial, even. But like I said earlier, a winning week is a winning week.

NCAA:

Wisconsin @ Ohio St. (-15.5): Wow. I know that this is a "different" Ohio State team, and that Tressel Ball is dead, and that this is a dynamic, explosive offense and hey, didn't you see how good they looked against Penn St. last week? Maybe I'm stubborn, but I seem to remember that this is the same team that struggled mightily against Michigan St. AT HOME two games ago. And that there is always at least one game each season where OSU manages to make an easy win way too difficult.

I don't think Wisconsin is all that great, but they are better than Penn St., and again, Ohio St. having to give that many points against a Top 20 team? It's Ohio (yawn) St.!

Pick: Wisconsin (+15.5)

San Jose St. @ Boise St. (-25.5): Now, usually I would have no problem laying 25.5 with Boise St. at home. But a few things to consider here:

Boise St. is coming off of a really big road win against Fresno St. last week
Ian Johnson may not play again this week, and if he does I'm sure he won't be 100 percent.
Even though Boise St. has won the last three years, each game has been a lot closer than you think it would be.

This is a game where I know the team I'm betting on won't win, but I feel very good that they can keep it close.

Pick: San Jose St. (+25.5)

Cincinnati @ South Florida (-4.5): The home team has won the last four meetings pretty comfortably. South Florida still hasn't lost at home. And Cincinnati has a negative turnover margin in conference games and in October. Not good against a South Florida team that thrives on ball control and capitalizing on mistakes.

Pick: South Florida (-4.5)

NFL:

Denver @ Detroit (-3): Thanks to Jon Kitna deciding to poke fun at a Lions' assistant coach getting drunk and driving naked through a drive-through last year, this is a "week of adversity" for the team. Normally, I'd say that for a Cinderalla team like Detroit that has no business being 5-2, any adversity would be enough to push them towards collapse. I mean, they are the Lions.

But two things are at play here: a) I don't think this is a controversy at all within the team, and if anything it might create one of those "us against the World" scenarios millionaire athletes feed on (re: New England Patriots) and b) they are playing the Broncos, who about as close to a "can't miss" prospect to not cover as we have in the NFL. They are 1-6 Against the Spread (ATS) this year and 6-18 in their last 24 games overall. Basically, Vegas (or the betting public) hasn't caught up yet to the fact that these aren't the same Broncos teams of even a couple of seasons ago. Mike Shanahan's magic is gone - teams have figured out "the system" and it turns out that you sometimes do need more talent at running back than just plugging in rejects and 5th round draft picks.

Until Vegas figures this out, keep riding the anti-Orange Crush.

Pick: Detroit (-3)

New England @ Indianapolis (+5.5): So the defending Super Bowl champions, who are: a) undefeated, b) look better defensively than last year, c) have beaten two straight division rivals with winning records on the road, d) have maybe the best QB ever and e) oh yeah, are at home, are almost a touchdown underdog in any game?

Excuse me for a minute; my eyes just bugged out of my head like Roger Rabbit.

You know which teams are usually underdogs by that much at home? The Raiders. The Bils. The Cardinals. The Vikings. In other words, the worst of the worst, not the defending champions who have been steamrolling everyone in their own right.

Look, for all of New England's offensive fireworks so far this season, Bill Belachick does not want to get into a shootout against Peyton Manning - it's as simple as that. And Tony Dungy is not going to let the Patriots fire away downfield all game. The Colts are going to force New England to run - maybe they can and maybe they can't, but they aren't going to put up 40 points that way. New England might win, but we all know it's coming down to the end of the game.

Pick: Indianapolis (+5.5)

Bonus pick: Arizona St. gets drilled by Oregon harder that a wildcatter in an unclaimed spot of Texas land. Oregon 34, Arizona St. 13.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:51 PM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 2

Let me introduce you to someone you'll be getting to know quite a bit at Your Face is a Sports Blog: my good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane. As I mentioned earlier, we're going to be going head-to-head in the Handicapabling Challenge to see which of us is "better" at picking football games. (I'm putting quotes around "better" because I fully expect a .500 record to be way in the lead by the end of the year.) There are a few things you should know about fknmclane:

• He is possible the angriest man I've ever met. He's like a bitter, 70 year-old trapped in the body of a man half his age. (Which is even more sad because he's younger than that).
• He is kind of a retard. It did take him something like seven years to graduate college. From Arizona State. Also, he once got his Ford Tempo caught in a flash flood in Phoenix and ruined it. (It's hard to ruin a Tempo, BTW). Which all explains why he chose to pick the same games I did even though our rules clearly stated that he could choose any five games that he wanted.
• His wife is a saint. See the above two items for proof.

So, welcome fknmclane into your hearts, your homes and your lives as he makes his picks for the Handicapabling Challenge:

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3):

As my esteemed colleague the Duke so eloquently put it, the Tech offense is terrible. In fact, I'd describe it as "the suck." Admittedly, I base this off of just a couple of games, especially their opener and national ball-gargling "healing" holiday against East Carolina, but I know I'm right. So fuck you. And besides, as long as Frank Beamer's jaw looks fucked up, his team will be returning INT's and punts for touchdowns.

I should probably give some thoughts about BC since they are after all playing in this game. Well, they suck as well and they're overrated. So there you go. They suck harder than Tech (27-14 over Notre Dame? fucking pussies...a good high school team could beat the hapless Irish at this point) and they're playing on the road, therefore, they can kiss their top ten BCS ranking goodbye.

fknmclane's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): I hate USC. I really do. I hate their fucking guts and I hope they lose out from here.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this game will be the start of their losing tailspin as they stagger through the remainder of their Pac-10 schedule. And I truly, honestly say that without factoring in my hatred for the "Men of Troy."

A few points to make:

• To quote a drunken, 40-year old female from Heber, Arizona with a giant ass and a habit of biting necks that I once had the pleasure of meeting and seeing molest my best friend, Mark Sanchez "IS NOT READY FOR THIS!" It's just his third game starting and going into Eugene is not going to be a cakewalk. He can rock the Mexican flag wristband, headband, jockstrap and it isn't going to help him. A diaper might be of service though.
• Dennis Dixon is REALLY FUCKING GOOD. Pete Carroll is known for his defensive scheming and khaki pants but that brain under his disheveled mop will be no match for Dixon and Oregon's spread.
• To piggyback my previous point about Dixon being REALLY FUCKING GOOD...the team he quarterbacks is also REALLY FUCKING GOOD. If not for their retard wide receiver stretching the football across the goalline to be easily knocked away against Cal, they'd be #1 in the BCS right now. And they still might end up being said #1
• USC has looked average at best at times and a stomping of Notre Dame has done nothing to change my mind.
• I need a muzzle

fknmclane's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): Bottom of the barrel Pac teams. Never good times, anything can happen with these stupid games. Here goes:

Mike Stoops vs. Tyrone Willingham, kidney stones vs. stoicism
PICK - Willingam's stone-faced grill

shitty team on the road vs. shitty team at home
PICK - have you ever been to Tucson? Seattle is like fucking Mars compared to Tucson, the Wildcats will be too busy trying to figure out the space needle to focus on even picking up a first down

Concussed Willie Tuitama vs. Savior Locker
PICK - fuck the "savior" of Husky football, he's a douche. But still better than Willie Tuitama who has ran for his life for three years straight now.

fknmclane's pick: Washington (-3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Holy fuck, I hate this game. Are the Broncos the team that got f'd in the a by the Chargers or the one that beat an unsuspecting and unprepared Steelers team last week? Looks like Tomlin is back to the drawing board after that one, huh Steelers fans? And by back to the drawing board I mean getting his baby fro trimmed ever so perfectly and stealing Big Ben's fruit cocktail.

The only way Green Bay wins this game is if Javon Walker's knee magically heals overnight and he slaps on his old jersey and goes on to torch the stupid Broncos. Unfortunately for the Packers they have no running game, they're on the road, and they've won with smoke and mirrors.

fknmclane's pick: Denver (-3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): I'm not what you would call "pleased" with the Duke for making this one of our picks this week. It involves two unlikable teams and it's being played in London.

9.5 is a lot of points but the Dolphins have been kidnapped by a transsexual former kicker known as "The Mule" who likes to dig his/her "gun" into the hip of pet detectives hot on the trail and who knows a thing or two about buckling under the pressure.

They suck and suck hard. Really hard. You know all that crap about the Patriots going 16-0? Well, the Dolphins could easily end up 0-16. As an aside, am I the only one that thinks Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have pulled a train on Thomas' sister, aka Mrs Jason Taylor? I bet they have. There's no way Thomas gives his sister away to Taylor without some kind of benefit.

Strahan and Unemamamlogmeiakkemdare are going to eat Cleo Lemon alive and Eli Manning will do just enough for a three touchdown win.

Also, fuck Ronnie Brown and his ACL.

* if you think this is the last Ace Ventura reference you'll see when I'm discussing a Dolphins game, you couldn't be any more incorrect Mr Poopypants.

fknmclane's pick: New York (-9.5)

PS - See above for exhibit A on why the Duke will stomp me in picks. Who the fuck goes with the favorite in every game?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:56 PM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 1

I am great at making sports betting picks. My only problem is that I have no money, and therefore can't place bets myself. Plus, betting is illegal! But, that doesn't mean you can't prosper on my lack of extra spending money. I've decided to make five picks every week on various college and NFL games. My good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane, is also going to be making five picks a week. We'll keep a running tally and see how does better at the end of the year. Winner gets...something. I'm not really sure what yet. Maybe the loser has to go to the winner's house and make him a home-cooked breakfast with lots of bacon.

Anyway, here's my picks for this week's Handicapabling Challenge (because it's not handicapping - that's offense to the cripples):

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3): Virginia Tech's offense stinks, especially trying to throw the football, which means they've pretty much had to lean on their running game. But that plays right into the strength of the Eagles' defense. And I don't expect either Sean Glennon or Tyrod Taylor to single-handedly win any games. But my issue with picking Boston College is this: they've played creampuffs the last month (Army, U Mass, Bowling Green and Notre Dame). I'm not sure how they are going to react to real defensive players who actually hit and give you owies. And I'm really unsure about Boston College's wide receivers (who for all intents and purposes haven't existed this season) against the Hokies' secondary.

I say Matt Ryan get hurried and flustered, throws three picks, including one for a TD. Goodbye national title, and goodbye Heisman. I feel so good about this pick that I'm making it my 10 Star ACC Lock of the Year!

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): This is a line that has no correlation to how Vegas thinks the game should turn out. This line is so close just because if USC was as big of a dog as they should be, dopey bettors would place a ton of money on them BECAUSE THEY ARE USC, and Vegas doesn't want that - they want a 50/50 split of bets to ensure they make money. If this was Team A @ Team B, with the same records but without knowing who was who, Oregon would be favored by at least a touchdown. And they should be: anyone who has watched USC in Pete Carroll's tenure knows that his defenses cannot (Vince Young) handle (Vince Young) mobile QBs (Vince Young). Even in games they've won, it's been nothing but headaches.

For the first time in a long time, USC's defense is going to be facing an offense that is just as fast as them if not faster. In order to keep it close, USC is going to need to score a lot of points - at least in the 30s. As much as my Cardinal & Gold heart hates to admit it, I don't have a lot of faith in either John David Booty or Mark Sanchez getting the team there.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): The underdog is 9-0 against the spread in the last nine games, and the road team is 9-1 in the last 10 overall. That's enough for me, when you combine it with the fact that a) Jake Locker is overhyped and all potential - maybe he'll be amazing in two years, but as of right now he's a flash of greatness and a lot of bad decisions and b) it's time for Ty Willingham to remind everyone of just why he's no longer Notre Dame coach (other than, you know, being black).

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Arizona (+3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Remember when there arguably was no better home field advantage than Denver? When opponents basically freaked out about playing at Mile High Stadium so much that they were dead before opening kick-off? Well, I guess moving from Mile High to the shiny new Invesco Honeywell Whatever the Fuck It's Called Stadium didn't work out so well, because Denver is suddenly ass at home. They are 1-3 at home against the spread this season, and 1-9 at home ATS going back to last season.

Call it the Curse of Mile High, or just the rest of the league figuring Mike Shanahan out. Either way, look for Bret Favre to survive 18 interceptions and lead his team to a "gutty" 13-12 victory.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Green Bay (+3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): Wait, this game involves the Giants, yet they decide to make a massive robotic version of a Dolphins player? Jeremy Shockey is going to be so pissed. And by "pissed" I mean in the classic British slang way, i.e. drunk off his ass with a bunch of his new "hooligan" friends the night before the game.

My prediction? The all-new New York Giants Firm (led by Elijah Wood), inspired by Shockey, brawls with the giant Jason Taylor robot before the game. The Dolphins take the opportunity the chaos provides to attempt to replace Cleo Lemon with Dan Marino. However, the Giants will counter by bringing in Diet Pepsi Machine (cut by the Patriots to make cap room for Randy Moss), who scores six touchdowns while Shockey is off stomping someone's head.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: New York (-9.5)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:36 PM 0 comments