In Search Of...The Curse of the SI Swimsuit Issue Couples

Somebody get Leonard Nimoy on the case, because this is spooky.

Take a quick look at this list, focusing only on the couples featured. A frightening pattern develops.

Quite a few have had what can be described as, depending on your definition, issues. Let's have a look at a few to see where they were and how the mighty have fallen:













Shaun Alexander

Before: 2005 MVP, endearing gap teeth, Madden cover boy, on top of the world

After: Annoying gap teeth, cut by the Seahawks in 2008 after becoming known more for falling down into boatloads of money after first contact than for rushing and touchdown totals













Roger Clemens

Before: arguably the greatest right-handed pitcher ever, super gazillionaire, appearance in Kingpin, confident enough at 40 to rock the frosted tips

After: steroids and HGH abuser/cheater, porker of 15 year old country stars, weasly enough to blame HGH purchases on his wife, all-around douchebag













Chuck Finley

Before: tall, dark and handsome left-handed pitcher with good stuff and a music video vixen on his arm, a match made in heaven

After: tall, dark and handsome left-handed pitcher with subpar stuff and a stilletto-shaped hole in his forehead inflicted by coked-up former music video vixen, a match made in hell











Allan Houston

Before: the toast of New York after helping to lead the Knicks to the '99 NBA Finals, deadly long-range shooter, signer of ridiculous contract

After: currently out of the league due to health issues, role in Black and White, name given to ridiculous NBA Collective Bargain Agreement Rule













Richard Jefferson

Before: high-flying forward teamed up with Jason Kidd on a Nets team consistently contending for the NBA's Eastern Conference title

After: Kidd-less, locked in long-term with Vince Carter, crazy looking ears, choker of Minnesota birthday boys

Speaking of which....













Jason Kidd

Before: proud purchaser of amazingly round, fake breasts for his wife, possessor of an unmatched all-around game, Olympian, consecutive appearances in the NBA Finals, on top of the world

After: messy divorce from globe-wearing wife, still an incredibly poor outside shooter, scapegoat in Dallas after forcing a trade to his original team













Mark McGwire

Before: renowned home run hitter, super duper nice guy

After: disgraced home run hitter, hater of discussions of the past













Bill Romonowski

Before: respected, football tough guy, winner, great teammate, "not on steroids!"

After: breaker of teammates' orbital bones, 'roid monkey, spitter, distributor of lots and lots and lots of pills













Alex Rodriguez

Before: going down as best player in baseball history, playing under largest contract in professional sports history, example of a "pure" baseball player to be held up as an example of a non-steroid using superstar

After: easy target, hated by nearly one and all, blamed for all that is wrong with the Yankees, affinity for manly women, possibly injected steroids with Jose Canseco while ogling his wife.

Honorable Mentions: What's left of Tom Gugliotta's knees, Annika Sorenstam's uncured face, Glen Rice's love of beating men in his wife's closet, Joe Montana's hatred of auctions.

The moral of the story: don't ever, ever, EVER agree to pose with your wife for a SI Swimsuit issue. If you are a star athlete and you have a hot wife who you think might even be remotely interested in posing for an SI Swimsuit issue, either ask her to wear a burka, or just divorce her immediately.

Posted by McLane at 1:21 PM 5 comments  

Sorenstam retires from LPGA to complete transformation into leather saddle

Ending growing speculation, Annika Sorenstam, the most accomplished women's golfer in history, announced today that she is retiring from the LPGA tour to concentrate on her lifelong goal - becoming a leather saddle.

"As much as I love golf, the hours spent inside the clubhouse and at sponsor functions have made it impossible to completely drain all water from my skin at the rate I would like," Sorenstam said. "After consulting with my team of experts lead by a collection of the top tanners and leather workers in the world, I need to devote myself full-time to this if I want to achieve my goals."

Sorenstam called tournament golf "a huge time suck" that prevented her from the daily care and maintenance needed to finish tanning her hide and begin the process of shaping her into a saddle.

"I have a whole regiment of ointments, soaps, oils and creams that I must do daily to avoid major cracks and hardening," Sorenstam said. "Even though I was lucky to be able to subject my skin to the sun's wonderful, destructive rays on a nearly-daily basis as a golfer, there were still times when I had to travel or meet with sponsors where I had to be inside. Turning myself into a saddle is a 24-7 commitment."

But retiring from golf was a difficult choice, Sorenstam said. Before making her decision, Sorenstam considered pursuing tanning herself into other, less time-intensive objects, including a catcher's mitt, cowboy hat and, most ironically, a golf glove.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:57 AM 3 comments