A different kind of (pin)stripes

I'm guessing if you're a minor-leaguer with the Yankees, and you're trying to impress the club, the best way to do so isn't to get arrested at 2:30 a.m. at a bar and restaurant after trying to start a fight and resisting a bouncer trying to get you to leave. According to Tampa police, New York minor-leaguer Austin Krum is "charged with trespassing and obstructing cops after he pulled away when officers moved to arrest him, forcing them to push him down to cuff him."

If only the kid was born 30 years ago, Billy Martin probably would have had him in the starting rotation by now. And have punched his lights out in a bar.

The New York Post (your source of record for players getting arrested at bars) points out that the bar in question was the same place where the 2006 Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees had certain unseemly and awesome photos taken of her that lead to being stripped of her crown.

Which, of course, gives me an excuse to link to said photos (not safe for work). She's the one in red. If this is what this bar is like, no wonder the guy didn't want to leave.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:07 PM 0 comments  

The Return of the Birdman

If I were the GM of one of the surprise teams in the NBA, and it was getting near the playoffs, I think I wouldn't want to do much to disrupt team chemistry. Like, say, bringing back a player who had been kicked out of the league for two years for drug abuse and dropping him straight into the pressure cooker of a playoff drive.

But, that's just what the New Orleans Hornets are doing, as they have announced plans to sign Chris "Birdman" Andersen after he was reinstated by the NBA on Tuesday. If you aren't familiar, Andersen was a back-up center, who was kicked out of the league back in 2006 for testing positive for the class of drug that includes: meth, cocaine and heroin. Obviously, once he was reinstated, it was clear that New Orleans would welcome him back with open arms: how could you turn away a guy that averaged five points per game his last season, especially in the middle of a playoff chase?

Along with his drug habit, Andersen was known for two things: his "arms flapping" celebration that earned him the nickname "Birdman"; and for completely fucking things up in the 1996 NBA Slam Dunk contest, including needing eight attempts to make his first dunk and five to make his second.

Witness the carnage unfold, helpfully set to "Yakkity Sax":



There was a press conference today to announce Andersen's return. I am not going to comment on his current condition, or if he is actually has his life straightened out (I hope he does). But still...this photo from today doesn't exactly say "clean and sober":















(Photo: Rusty Costanza, The Times-Picayune)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:45 PM 1 comments  

Quick Hits

• The NBA-mandated replay of the final 51.9 seconds of the Heat-Hawks game is on Saturday. The NBA has ruled that players acquired after the game (such as Shawn Marion) can play for their new teams. But Shaq (who started the whole thing by being incorrectly ruled to have fouled out) won't be playing. Makes sense to me.
• So apparently, if you are a English soccer player and your brother is in jail for six years for a vicious assault that left the victim partially blind, it's poor taste to celebrate a goal by pretending that you are in handcuffs? Those Brits are so straitlaced.
• Sho Taguchi thinks that King Salomon is some sort of sushi roll. Hilarity ensures. Oh, those wacky Japanese..

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:36 PM 0 comments  

Royals Outsource 2008 Season to India

KANSAS CITY - In a move believed to be a first in American professional sports, the Kansas City Royals announced today that they would be outsourcing their entire 2008 season to workers based in India. By bringing in a legion of leading cricket batsmen to replace the Royals' current roster, Royals management claim that they can "maintain the level of quality our fans have come to expect from us" at a fraction of the cost.

"At $10 to $15 an hour, we're going to get a lot more bang for our buck," said Royals owner David Glass. "Can you believe that we were actually paying some of these guys millions of dollars, and still only getting 50 wins a season? From a business standpoint, that just didn't make any sense. These cricket players know how to handle...that thing they use to hit cricket balls. We figure that it might be a rough transition period for them to adjust to baseball, but what's the difference between 50 wins and 10 wins, really?"

As part of an accelerated corporate training program referred to by the Royals as "Spring Training", many of the top stars of Indian cricket were trying to adapt to the rules and equipment of American baseball, with varying degrees of success.

"Where are the wickets?," asked veteran cricket batsman Anaad Singh when arriving for the first session. "Why is the bowler standing on that mound of dirt? Why is the boundary so close to where I"m batting from? This is confusing."

Still, despite the initial jitters, Singh and all of his new teammates appear determined to make the best of the situation, for the same reason.

"I make 1,000 rupees a month (roughly $25 US dollars) playing for the Indian national cricket team," Singh said. "With the money the Royals are paying, I can live like a king. Also, I have never heard of a baseball player having his throat sliced open by angry fans after a bad performance."

The newly-christened Dehli Rajahs will play all of their home games in a state-of-the-art stadium built in Delhi's downtown. Reduced costs of employees, along with what the team hopes is curiosity in American baseball, should help pay for the stadium and get the team into a profit situation within six months, which would be a huge turnaround for one of three MLB teams to average less than 20,000 fans a game last season.

"In order to meet our financial goals, we need to average 25,000 people a game," Glass said. "That's roughly one-tenth of one percent of the city's total population, and we think that we can achieve that. Indian people love American sports, and I'm sure that they'll want to come out, eat some Chaat and Pani Puri, and check out their team."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:46 PM 0 comments  

ESPN plans nonstop coverage of The Start of the Aaron Rodgers Era in Green Bay

BRISTOL, CT - ESPN moved into high-gear on Tuesday, planning exclusive wall-to-wall coverage after the announcement of the retirement of the Packers' current quarterback paved the way for the beginning of the Aaron Rodgers Era in Green Bay.

"Over the next 24 hours, ESPN is going to be your go-to source for coverage of this historic moment in NFL history," said Norby Williamson, ESPN Executive Vice President, Studio and Remote Production. "You can pretty much call us Aaron Rodgers Central at this point."

Coverage highlights include: round-the-clock SportsCenters with the latest news about Aaron Rodgers' ascension to the starting QB job in Green Bay; interviews with friends and family reminiscing about Rodgers' childhood in Chico, CA; a SportsNation poll asking if Rodgers is in the Top Five NFL quarterbacks today; and segments comparing Rodgers against other first-round draft picks in an historical context. ESPN Classic is also suspending all scheduling programming today (boxing, poker, American Gladiators) for a 24 hour marathon of Rodgers' greatest games while at Cal, including one that his team actually won.

Time permitting, Williamson said that the network would talk with Brett Favre, the quarterback Rodgers is replacing.

"We've found that ESPN viewers are young and edgy, and care more about 'Who's Now" than old, retiring players," Williamson said. "But, if we have time, we'd like to get this guy's take on if Aaron Rodgers is going to be as good as the best quarterback in Packers history, or if he might even be better than Bart Starr."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:38 AM 1 comments