MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.
"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."
Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.
Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.
Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.
"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"
UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.
"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."
