The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 2

Let me introduce you to someone you'll be getting to know quite a bit at Your Face is a Sports Blog: my good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane. As I mentioned earlier, we're going to be going head-to-head in the Handicapabling Challenge to see which of us is "better" at picking football games. (I'm putting quotes around "better" because I fully expect a .500 record to be way in the lead by the end of the year.) There are a few things you should know about fknmclane:

• He is possible the angriest man I've ever met. He's like a bitter, 70 year-old trapped in the body of a man half his age. (Which is even more sad because he's younger than that).
• He is kind of a retard. It did take him something like seven years to graduate college. From Arizona State. Also, he once got his Ford Tempo caught in a flash flood in Phoenix and ruined it. (It's hard to ruin a Tempo, BTW). Which all explains why he chose to pick the same games I did even though our rules clearly stated that he could choose any five games that he wanted.
• His wife is a saint. See the above two items for proof.

So, welcome fknmclane into your hearts, your homes and your lives as he makes his picks for the Handicapabling Challenge:

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3):

As my esteemed colleague the Duke so eloquently put it, the Tech offense is terrible. In fact, I'd describe it as "the suck." Admittedly, I base this off of just a couple of games, especially their opener and national ball-gargling "healing" holiday against East Carolina, but I know I'm right. So fuck you. And besides, as long as Frank Beamer's jaw looks fucked up, his team will be returning INT's and punts for touchdowns.

I should probably give some thoughts about BC since they are after all playing in this game. Well, they suck as well and they're overrated. So there you go. They suck harder than Tech (27-14 over Notre Dame? fucking pussies...a good high school team could beat the hapless Irish at this point) and they're playing on the road, therefore, they can kiss their top ten BCS ranking goodbye.

fknmclane's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): I hate USC. I really do. I hate their fucking guts and I hope they lose out from here.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this game will be the start of their losing tailspin as they stagger through the remainder of their Pac-10 schedule. And I truly, honestly say that without factoring in my hatred for the "Men of Troy."

A few points to make:

• To quote a drunken, 40-year old female from Heber, Arizona with a giant ass and a habit of biting necks that I once had the pleasure of meeting and seeing molest my best friend, Mark Sanchez "IS NOT READY FOR THIS!" It's just his third game starting and going into Eugene is not going to be a cakewalk. He can rock the Mexican flag wristband, headband, jockstrap and it isn't going to help him. A diaper might be of service though.
• Dennis Dixon is REALLY FUCKING GOOD. Pete Carroll is known for his defensive scheming and khaki pants but that brain under his disheveled mop will be no match for Dixon and Oregon's spread.
• To piggyback my previous point about Dixon being REALLY FUCKING GOOD...the team he quarterbacks is also REALLY FUCKING GOOD. If not for their retard wide receiver stretching the football across the goalline to be easily knocked away against Cal, they'd be #1 in the BCS right now. And they still might end up being said #1
• USC has looked average at best at times and a stomping of Notre Dame has done nothing to change my mind.
• I need a muzzle

fknmclane's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): Bottom of the barrel Pac teams. Never good times, anything can happen with these stupid games. Here goes:

Mike Stoops vs. Tyrone Willingham, kidney stones vs. stoicism
PICK - Willingam's stone-faced grill

shitty team on the road vs. shitty team at home
PICK - have you ever been to Tucson? Seattle is like fucking Mars compared to Tucson, the Wildcats will be too busy trying to figure out the space needle to focus on even picking up a first down

Concussed Willie Tuitama vs. Savior Locker
PICK - fuck the "savior" of Husky football, he's a douche. But still better than Willie Tuitama who has ran for his life for three years straight now.

fknmclane's pick: Washington (-3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Holy fuck, I hate this game. Are the Broncos the team that got f'd in the a by the Chargers or the one that beat an unsuspecting and unprepared Steelers team last week? Looks like Tomlin is back to the drawing board after that one, huh Steelers fans? And by back to the drawing board I mean getting his baby fro trimmed ever so perfectly and stealing Big Ben's fruit cocktail.

The only way Green Bay wins this game is if Javon Walker's knee magically heals overnight and he slaps on his old jersey and goes on to torch the stupid Broncos. Unfortunately for the Packers they have no running game, they're on the road, and they've won with smoke and mirrors.

fknmclane's pick: Denver (-3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): I'm not what you would call "pleased" with the Duke for making this one of our picks this week. It involves two unlikable teams and it's being played in London.

9.5 is a lot of points but the Dolphins have been kidnapped by a transsexual former kicker known as "The Mule" who likes to dig his/her "gun" into the hip of pet detectives hot on the trail and who knows a thing or two about buckling under the pressure.

They suck and suck hard. Really hard. You know all that crap about the Patriots going 16-0? Well, the Dolphins could easily end up 0-16. As an aside, am I the only one that thinks Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have pulled a train on Thomas' sister, aka Mrs Jason Taylor? I bet they have. There's no way Thomas gives his sister away to Taylor without some kind of benefit.

Strahan and Unemamamlogmeiakkemdare are going to eat Cleo Lemon alive and Eli Manning will do just enough for a three touchdown win.

Also, fuck Ronnie Brown and his ACL.

* if you think this is the last Ace Ventura reference you'll see when I'm discussing a Dolphins game, you couldn't be any more incorrect Mr Poopypants.

fknmclane's pick: New York (-9.5)

PS - See above for exhibit A on why the Duke will stomp me in picks. Who the fuck goes with the favorite in every game?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:56 PM 0 comments  

Great Moments on Goalkeeping, Part 1

When you are a big underdog in soccer, the last thing you want to do is give up a soft goal early in the game to put you behind. Like, say, if you were Schalke 04, and you were playing Chelsea in a Champions League Group Stage game, you wouldn't want your keeper to do this:

Manuel Neuer committed this blunder, "helping" Chelsea to a 2-0 win and a place atop their group standings. I think his manager calling letting a weak shot go right through his legs "not helpful" is a bit of an understatement. I believe he thinks that the Rockies' pitchers were "a bit subpar" last night as well.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:38 PM 0 comments  

What Not to Watch: 10/25/07

Keeping you informed of the sports viewing choices you shouldn't make tonight (all times Pacific, because that's where I live - suck it, Eastern Time Zone!):

Greatest High School Football Rivalries (Versus, 5 p.m.) - If Taft vs. Bakersfield isn't No. 1, Kirk Russell is going to be pissed

MLS Playoffs: DC United at Chicago Fire (ESPN2, 5:30 p.m.) - I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is going to draw low ratings in Southern California.

Nothin' But Knockouts (FSN, 6:30 p.m.) - Me, I prefer Nothin' But Majority Decisions, but I guess I can see the appeal of this, too...

NHL Hockey: Phoenix Coyotes @ Anaheim Ducks (Fox Sports Prime Ticket, 7 p.m.) - Coyotes vs. Ducks? It's like some crazy, mixed up Warner Bros. cartoon. What's next, Bugs Bunny trying to eat Tweety Bird? It's unnatural, and against the rules of God and man.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:09 PM 0 comments  

Punk Rock Baseball cards

Thanks to my friend and Awesome Helicopter Ninjas teammate Michael for pointing me to this site with very cool images of old-time baseball cards done using hipster musicians. Needless to say, this is right up my alley.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:44 PM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 1

I am great at making sports betting picks. My only problem is that I have no money, and therefore can't place bets myself. Plus, betting is illegal! But, that doesn't mean you can't prosper on my lack of extra spending money. I've decided to make five picks every week on various college and NFL games. My good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane, is also going to be making five picks a week. We'll keep a running tally and see how does better at the end of the year. Winner gets...something. I'm not really sure what yet. Maybe the loser has to go to the winner's house and make him a home-cooked breakfast with lots of bacon.

Anyway, here's my picks for this week's Handicapabling Challenge (because it's not handicapping - that's offense to the cripples):

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3): Virginia Tech's offense stinks, especially trying to throw the football, which means they've pretty much had to lean on their running game. But that plays right into the strength of the Eagles' defense. And I don't expect either Sean Glennon or Tyrod Taylor to single-handedly win any games. But my issue with picking Boston College is this: they've played creampuffs the last month (Army, U Mass, Bowling Green and Notre Dame). I'm not sure how they are going to react to real defensive players who actually hit and give you owies. And I'm really unsure about Boston College's wide receivers (who for all intents and purposes haven't existed this season) against the Hokies' secondary.

I say Matt Ryan get hurried and flustered, throws three picks, including one for a TD. Goodbye national title, and goodbye Heisman. I feel so good about this pick that I'm making it my 10 Star ACC Lock of the Year!

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): This is a line that has no correlation to how Vegas thinks the game should turn out. This line is so close just because if USC was as big of a dog as they should be, dopey bettors would place a ton of money on them BECAUSE THEY ARE USC, and Vegas doesn't want that - they want a 50/50 split of bets to ensure they make money. If this was Team A @ Team B, with the same records but without knowing who was who, Oregon would be favored by at least a touchdown. And they should be: anyone who has watched USC in Pete Carroll's tenure knows that his defenses cannot (Vince Young) handle (Vince Young) mobile QBs (Vince Young). Even in games they've won, it's been nothing but headaches.

For the first time in a long time, USC's defense is going to be facing an offense that is just as fast as them if not faster. In order to keep it close, USC is going to need to score a lot of points - at least in the 30s. As much as my Cardinal & Gold heart hates to admit it, I don't have a lot of faith in either John David Booty or Mark Sanchez getting the team there.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): The underdog is 9-0 against the spread in the last nine games, and the road team is 9-1 in the last 10 overall. That's enough for me, when you combine it with the fact that a) Jake Locker is overhyped and all potential - maybe he'll be amazing in two years, but as of right now he's a flash of greatness and a lot of bad decisions and b) it's time for Ty Willingham to remind everyone of just why he's no longer Notre Dame coach (other than, you know, being black).

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Arizona (+3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Remember when there arguably was no better home field advantage than Denver? When opponents basically freaked out about playing at Mile High Stadium so much that they were dead before opening kick-off? Well, I guess moving from Mile High to the shiny new Invesco Honeywell Whatever the Fuck It's Called Stadium didn't work out so well, because Denver is suddenly ass at home. They are 1-3 at home against the spread this season, and 1-9 at home ATS going back to last season.

Call it the Curse of Mile High, or just the rest of the league figuring Mike Shanahan out. Either way, look for Bret Favre to survive 18 interceptions and lead his team to a "gutty" 13-12 victory.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Green Bay (+3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): Wait, this game involves the Giants, yet they decide to make a massive robotic version of a Dolphins player? Jeremy Shockey is going to be so pissed. And by "pissed" I mean in the classic British slang way, i.e. drunk off his ass with a bunch of his new "hooligan" friends the night before the game.

My prediction? The all-new New York Giants Firm (led by Elijah Wood), inspired by Shockey, brawls with the giant Jason Taylor robot before the game. The Dolphins take the opportunity the chaos provides to attempt to replace Cleo Lemon with Dan Marino. However, the Giants will counter by bringing in Diet Pepsi Machine (cut by the Patriots to make cap room for Randy Moss), who scores six touchdowns while Shockey is off stomping someone's head.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: New York (-9.5)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:36 PM 0 comments  

Red Sox Nation Smugness Level Classified as "Phil Jackson" After Game 1 Win

WASHINGTON, DC - At a press conference this morning, US Department of Smugness Awareness Director Keith Olbermann declared that the smugness level of Red Sox Nation had been officially raised to "Phil Jackson" after their team's 13-1 rout of the Colorado Rockies in Game 1 of the World Series.

"I want to assure the public that we are monitoring the situation, but make no mistake: this is a high level of smugness," Olbermann said. "We'll be monitoring the situation day-to-day. But then again, aren't we all day-to-day?"

The press conference then ground to a halt for several minutes as Olbermann smirked for the cameras before continuing.

"What we're talking about is some of the highest levels of sports fan arrogance that we've seen in year," Olbermann said. "This isn't just any Phil Jackson level, either - we're talking Phil Jackson in 2002 after winning his second title with the Lakers smug."

Olbermann said that regular citizens should go about their daily lives, but be vigilant and look out for warning signs of advanced smugness amongst Red Sox fans:

- Constant references to how "they" played last night.
- Repeatedly asking strangers how they thought the Rockies pitching staff stood a chance. against the Red Sox's unprecedented offensive onslaught.
- Asking to be referred to by co-workers and friends as "Big Papi".
- Overturning cars "for practice" for the celebration after the series is over.

Olbermann concluded by stating that his department would be monitoring the World Series for further developments. He said that it would be likely that Red Sox Nation's smugness level would be raised to Charlie Weis if the team won the World Series. However, he refused to answer questions relating to rumors that the department would have to create a new, unheard of "Dennis Miller" level if the Red Sox won in a sweep.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:58 AM 2 comments