Bobby Bowden: now 75 percent lifelike!

I’ve awoken from my stupor of college football, chocolate Zingers and RC Cola to reflect on the opening weekend. And not to get too hyperbolic about it, but I can’t remember a weekend loopier than this. Usually, the first week is nothing but powerhouses squashing “opponents” with the occasional Big Ten also-ran getting beaten by a MAC team, or a secondary player getting hurt.

Not this year, though: within the course of five days, several teams saw their national title hopes either created or destroyed while the reigning Heisman Trophy winner got piledriven into nothingness. And I’m not even getting into Punchgate yet. Here are some random thoughts on three things I learned after the opening weekend of the college football season:

Bobby Bowden is officially fossilized: I watched the entire Florida State vs. Miami game last night (which for once was actually decent) and I’m pretty sure that Bobby Bowden didn’t move once. Perhaps the assistants changed his position on occasion so he looked “lifelike”, but it was pretty obvious that either they’re just rolling out a wax likeness of Bowden, or he’s completely been fossilized like a dinosaur.

As McLane told me, at this point they’re just taking Bowden out “for his weekly walk” and plunking him on the sidelines while Mickey Andrews coaches the team, while Bowden quietly mutters about Charlie Ward’s point guard skills and where the hell is Chris Weinke?

The worst was the time management on Florida State’s final drive. After the Seminoles completed a pass to inside Hurricanes’ five-yard line with 47 seconds to go, they didn’t have another play ready to run. Instead, they had to have receivers running to the sidelines to wait for a play and then rely that to QB Christian Ponder.

Twenty seconds went by before they got the next play off. Of course, Florida State ran out of time to complete their comeback – think those 20 seconds mattered? To make it worse, the Seminoles had a time out and didn’t use it. And while all this confusion happened, Bowden just stood there with a glazed look on his face, as if he was watching the giant unicorns dance with Thelma Todd and Louise Parker somewhere in the distance.

Here’s Mark May breaking down the total collapse – and he’s being generous not to rip Bowden a new one just because he’s old and probably soiled himself (Bowden, not Mark May).

So much for the “little guys” being little: One of the most infuriating things I saw all weekend was Bob “0-3 in bowls” Davie rambling during the Boise State vs. Oregon game about how teams like the Broncos couldn’t compete week in and week out in “big boy” conferences like the PAC-10 because they lacked the depth. Which I think is a pretty pat and stale argument, but it wasn’t as bad as how he tried to prove his point.

He busted out a graphic that compared Boise State’s players taken in the NFL draft in recent years versus the PAC-10 average. As you would expect, Boise State was behind the PAC-10 average and well behind USC. Therefore, Boise State lacked the depth and the big play talent to compete.

This is, of course, a crock of crap. Looking past the fact that talent does not equal wins (as Davie should know from his wasted years at Notre Dame), let’s think about this for a second. Do you think that there were players from Boise State who were better than players from bigger schools but maybe didn’t get drafted because of where they were from? (Note: the Sarcasm Meter is off the chart at this point.)

I can promise you that at least 25 percent of USC’s late-round draft picks were only drafted because they started at USC, which made it easier for some player development guy to justify taking them versus a small-school player. After all, if he started at USC, he must have talent, right?

If there’s one thing we can take from this weekend, it’s that the “BCS Busters” don’t have to rely on trick plays and getting teams into shootouts to win games. Both Boise State and BYU beat major programs this weekend by playing hard-hitting, physical football and basically imposing their will on the “bigger” teams.

And I don’t want to hear that Sam Bradford’s injury means that there is an asterisk on BYU’s win. It’s not like the Sooners’ offense was burning up Cowboys Stadium before Bradford got hurt. And why was he hurt? Because the Cougars were able to get constant pressure on him, and eventually he paid the price. The Sooners’ offensive line was bad with or without Bradford, and BYU made them pay the price.

Terrelle Pryor can’t throw the football: Let’s put it this way – Navy’s QB looked like John Elway when compared to Pryor. If I were Jim Tressel, I’d be less concerned about Pryor’s message welcoming his boyhood hero Michael Vick back into the NFL and more concerned that Pryor is turning into an on-the-field version of Vick: scrambles into trouble as much as he does out of it; can’t keep his eyes upfield while running; and a powerful arm combined with worthless aim.

I’d really like to see a scenario that someone can develop where Ohio State doesn’t crap the bed this weekend against USC. And “Matt Barkley vomits on himself” is not a valid option – USC is going to run early and often and not put Barkley in a position to make big mistakes.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:47 AM 0 comments  

Latest BCS rankings: let the rioting begin

I treat the BCS rankings like Christmas - there's no reason to even think about it until November and even then that's probably far too soon. But the first poll of November is out and, predictably, people are losing their damned minds over it. Texas Tech jumps past Penn State! USC falls to No. 7 after winning 56-0! Utah, Boise St. and TCU all in the Top 12! It's chaos!

Of course, there's still a whole month of football left to be played, so reading too much into these rankings is very dangerous. However, there are a few things I think we can safely assume based on where things stand right now:

Penn State fans need to shut up already

Yes, it's a tough break to get jumped in polls when you had a bye week. Or so the Nittany Lion fans are screaming today after Texas Tech moved ahead of them in the rankings. But keep this in mind: Penn State didn't "fall" in the rankings - they were No. 3 before the week started and No. 3 at the end of the week. The only difference is which two teams are ahead of them, with Texas Tech replacing Texas.

I don't see how you can argue with placing the Red Raiders ahead of Penn State this week. Rankings should be based on how well people have performed against the teams they have played to that point in the season. Up until last week, voters were holding off on rewarding Texas Tech for being 8-0, since they have a daunting gauntlet of games to close the season. But now that they've got through the first step and knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, you have to place them higher. They play in a better conference and they have the best win of any of the three undefeated teams at the top of the polls.

But most importantly, this is an incredibly moot point. If Texas Tech wins out, that means they will have beaten Texas, Oklahoma State, Baylor and either Missouri or Kansas in the Big 12 title game. And there would be no possible argument for keeping them out of the BCS title game then. If they lose once, where they are ranked today is meaningless as long as Penn State keeps winning.

If I was a Penn State fan, I'd be more ticked off at Alabama moving up to No. 1 than Texas Tech going to No. 2. Let's be honest about this: what exactly is the Crimson Tide's signature win? Georgia? The same team that got hammered by Florida this week? The Clemson team that fired their head coach midway through the season? Tennessee, who just fired their coach today? I'd argue that Penn State's win over Oregon State (more on them in a minute) is looking far more impressive by the week, while Alabama's earlier wins lose more and more of their luster.

Utah, Boise St., TCU, BYU and Ball State fans should learn to hate Ohio State as much as the rest of the college football world does

Why? Their BCS bowl chances might be directly tied to how Ohio State does in their final three games against Northwestern, Illinois and Michigan. To attempt to briefly explain: any school from a non-BCS conference that is ranked in the Top 12 of the final regular season BCS poll is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game. But if more than two teams are in the Top 12, only the highest-ranking is guaranteed a spot. Which is potentially bad news for Utah, TCU and Boise St., all in the Top 12 this week.

Only teams in the Top 16 are eligible for at-large BCS berths and - here's the big catch - no conference can send more than two teams to BCS bowl games. Right now nine of the top 16 spots in the BCS are taken by teams from two conferences: the SEC and the Big 12. And there is almost no chance that the ACC, Big East or PAC-10 will send two teams. (See next item for the one percent chance that the PAC-10 sends two schools.)

Doing the math: there are four at-large berths. Second teams from the Big 12 and SEC will get two of those four, as (almost certainly) will the highest-finishing non-BCS school. Leaving the final BCS at-large berth to go to another BCS Buster or...Ohio State.

Yes, the same cockroaches that ruined the last two championship games are all that stand in the way of the greatest season in non-BCS football history. They sit at No. 12 in the current rankings. If they win out, they'll get the final BCS at-large berth. If they slip up, that spot will almost have to go to a non-BCS team in the Top 16 (even Ball State could get the nod).

In some small way, we all should be rooting for Northwestern next week.

USC is screwed, screwed, screwed (and deservedly so)

After USC lost to Oregon State, I told anyone who would listen that the Trojans' BCS Title hopes were done. And everyone tried to convince me that USC was still alive. "Just look at the carnage last season," they said. "They win out and they'll be fine."

Looking at the first week of November, and I stand by my earlier statement. They don't just need upsets to start happening, but huge upsets with teams way outside of the BCS rankings to take down big names. Texas Tech knocking off Texas might have seemed like a break for the Trojans, for example, but it turned out to be the worst thing imaginable - not only did the Red Raiders leap over USC, but Texas didn't fall behind them.

Without getting into drawn-out rationales, here are the relevant facts:

• The Big 12 champion is making it to the BCS title game. In order for this not to happen, it would take a scenario so convoluted that M. Night Shymalayan would dismiss it as crackpot for there not to be at least one team left with one loss, and there is no way a one-loss Big 12 team is getting left out of the mix.
• Alabama goes if they run the table. The best team most likely to beat them: one-loss Florida, who would certainly go ahead of USC if they win out. They only way USC would be picked ahead of the SEC champion is if Florida loses again but beats Alabama in the SEC title game. And even then, one-loss Alabama might still go ahead of USC (sending a team that lost its conference championship is a nightmare scenario for the BCS).
• Penn State has the easiest path to going undefeated. But if they slip up, they are done. (There is no way a one-loss Big Ten team makes it, period.)

In poker terms, USC has pockets 4s against other teams' pocket aces. And the Trojans don't even control their own BCS fate: if Oregon State wins out, they would get the PAC-10 title and Rose Bowl berth, sending USC to other BCS game. (This is the one percent chance of this happening, considered Oregon State barely beat a lousy ASU team at home on Saturday, and still have to play Oregon, Cal and Arizona.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

Your College Football Viewing Guide: Week 9

As you may have noticed, we've stopped with the predictions. Basically, when the "winner" is going lucky to break .500, it's just embarrassing. So having completed shredded all credibility that I might have dreamed about having as a college football expert with my asinine picks, I've decided to start telling you what to watch, with a handy viewing guide for the weekend's games.

All listings come from the invaluable Matt's College Sports on TV Website. Check your local listings for...blah blah blah. Consider this your guide for going into a football-related coma until the NFL games on Sunday.

FRIDAY

Boise St. @ San Jose St. (6 pm PT/9 pm ET, ESPN2)

Here we are, moving into November, and I'll be damned if Boise St. isn't there contending for a BCS bowl berth again. And their doing it without a huge contribution from Ian Johnson, the poster boy of their Fiesta Bowl win. See what happens when you get married?

Meanwhile, San Jose St. has a pair of brothers who, for the first time in NCAA history, are each leading a major statistical category: Carl Ihenacho (tackles for loss) and his brother Duke (interceptions). But of course, I care more about the fact that the Spartans now refer to them as The Nacho Brothers, a nickname so awesome, it takes The Four Horsement out behind the middle school and impregnates it.

In fact, they should just go the Joe Theismann route and change their name to match the marketing ploy. I can't imagine anything better than being named Duke Nacho, but I'm biased. Maybe Duke Pizza would be close.

SATURDAY

Early Morning Game: Texas Tech @ Kansas (9 am PT/noon ET, ESPN)

ZOMG! NO ONE PLAYS DEFENSE! THEY WILL SCORE 150 POINTS!

Usually this kind of hyperbole leads to 20-13 snoozers. But there is no way that these two offenses and defenses (I'm looking at you, Jayhawks) will let that happen. Ever play Madden, but actually with 15 minute quarters, only to get burnt out when the score reaches 500? You might have some of that fatigue taking place in this game...if you hate scoring in football, and are a lefty Commie terrorist pal-arounder.

Afternoon Game: Georgia @ LSU (3:30 pm PT/6:30 pm ET, CBS)

As you've been reminded all week, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME, as the winner still has a shot at making it to the BCS Title Game, while the loser gets their second loss and is almost certainly done. I guess. I mean, wasn't that what we said after LSU lost to Kentucky in November last year for their second defeat?

That being said, I haven't seen a thing from LSU that would led me to believe that they can score enough points to keep up with Georgia. Save for one awful half against Alabama, and the Bulldogs are the clear No. 1 team in the country right now. Yeah, going into LSU is tough, but the Bulldogs are far and away the superior team.

Evening Game: Penn St. @ Ohio St. (5 pm PT/8 pm ET, ABC)

The only thing I'm getting more sick of hearing about than Joe Paterno's leg is the Ohio St. Cockroach effect, as in "you keep writing them out of the national title chase, and they keep coming back." They keep coming back year after year because while they might lose one game, other teams find ways to lose two or more. That being said, they'll need win out and get some help to have a chance. Meanwhile, I think one loss dooms Penn St. - like Alabama, pollsters don't really believe in them, I think, and are looking for an excuse to drop them down.

In other words, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME. If this becomes a laugher at halftime, feel free to cruise over to ESPN to see if Alabama has finally fallen on its face yet (and wouldn't it be amazing if Tennessee was the team to do the trick) or check and see if you get Fox Sports to see a USC vs. Arizona game that I think is going to be far more competitive than most people. TRAP GAME!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:59 AM 1 comments  

I give up on the Coliseum

I've been going to USC football games at the Coliseum for 15 years now, and I've defending the stadium to anyone and everyone who will listen.

"Sure, it could use some work, but it's a great stadium. The sight lines are great, and you have such history. Yeah, it could use some sprucing up, but that's what makes it so charming."

But after going to the USC/Ohio State game on Saturday with my wife and daughter, I'm officially giving up on the place. It's time to take the blinders off and realize that I can't defend it anymore - it's a horrible stadium that is in danger of completely falling apart. Not only is it inconvenient and creaky, it's physically dangerous.

(I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest. I feel like Betty from Mad Men, telling Don to leave and don't come home. Excuse me while I put on a party dress and drink a bottle of Wild Turkey.)

First, it's a nightmare getting to your seats. As I heard from dozens of Ohio State fans, "Couldn't they build some escalators to get to the upper seats?" And there are a few, but not nearly enough. Keep in mind these were Ohio State fans we're talking about, with their rigorous Midwestern workout and eating regiments, so take their complaints about physical exhortation at face value.

Then there's the concesison stands. The one I went to didn't take credit card. How is this possible in 2008? And I should point out that the nearest ATM was about a third of the way around the stadium - and not working.

The bathrooms were a nightmare. Basically, in my section, there Blogger: Your Face is a Sports Blog - Create Postis one restroom for men, with two doors - one clearly marked entrance and the other clearly marked exit. But because the line to wait was so huge, people were going in the exit side. Which kind of made sense in one way - the bathrooms are so poorly laid out, that if you come in the regular way, you don't realize there's a whole section of urinals further down no one is using, because you're afraid if you walk past the first section, you'll lose your place.

The problem is that with everyone coming in the wrong way, it makes it impossible to exit. I literally stood in line five minutes to get into the restroom, and at least 10 coming out. Good thing it was an ABC Extend-O-Rama Halftime or else I would have missed the start of the third quarter.

But the real problem is the stadium itself. Nothing sums up how bad things have become more than this story from near the end of the second quarter of the game. My wife is fiddling under her seat to get some food out for our 14-month-old daughter. As she looks behind the seat, she sees a giant Black Widow spider about halfway up the seat. And in case you think there's some over-dramatization taking place here, it was 100 percent a Black Widow - red hourglass spot n the back and everything.

My wife is the strongest person I know, but she hates bugs. (And her dad is an exterminator - go to town on that one, Freud.) So she takes off out of the seats and into the walkway above (our seats were the top row of the first level, so the walkway between levels was directly above us - in fact, the spider had crawled out of a crack in that wall). I'm there standing up holding my baby, which doesn't put me in a great position to do anything.

Some guy a few seats over tried to kill it with his keys, but it crawled into the wall before he could get it. He tried to stuff napkins into the hole to keep it from coming back out. Needless to say, this was not a soilid enough solution for my wife.

Security was called, maintenance reports were filed...it was a mess. We were told that to switch seats, we would have to walk to the ticket office at the other end of the stadium and go through a huge process. The crisis was "solved" when the spider came back out, and our neighbor was able to smasj it with his keys.

But still, Black Widow spiders? Seriously? LIke I said, that's the last straw for me. It's time to do something massive to renovate the place. Or, do it the Mafia way - torch the place and collect the insurance money. If they need it, I know a guy who can do some stuff for them, if you know what I mean.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:07 AM 0 comments  

What got into the drinking water in Ohio this weekend?

To recap:

- Carson Palmer went on a Los Angeles radio show and basically ripped into Ohio St. ahead of the Buckeye's game against the Trojans this season, saying among other things that he "cannot stand the Buckeyes" and that he "just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf." Now, I'm all for school spirit and adding a little bit of healthy bravado into a rivalry. Except for the small fact that Palmer plays professional football in Ohio, and not only are Ohio St. fans pretty, um, rabid, but they are tends to be a lot of overlap between Bengals fans and Buckeyes fans.

I've made a Venn diagram to help explain things:
























I hope this helps to clear up any confusion.

Assuming that Carson Palmer knows that in 2008, radio interviews in Los Angeles might make their way back to Cincinnati (and let's not totally assume this - after all, he apparently thought this ad was a good idea), this is not just a stupid interview; it's downright suicidal. It almost feels like he's so sick of playing with an underachieving bunch of felons and thugs in a place he hates, that he's decided to do whatever he can to make himself so hated that the Bengals have no choice but to trade him. And in Ohio, ripping the Buckeyes is a better way to ensure that you are hated than running a sack full of puppies through a wood chipper.

- Danica Patrick and Milka Duno got into a "catfight" at the Mid-Ohio track during a practice session before this weekend's IndyCar race. And by "cat fight" I of course mean "lots of finger wagging, yelling and then someone threw a towel at someone's face." There was no hair-pulling, clothes ripping of any kind, or even a remote hint of scissoring. Which is OK for me - Danica Patrick is kind of a two-face (sometimes looks great, sometimes looks like an angry little man), and Milka Duno looks like if you took Cesar Romero as The Joker from the old Batman TV series and put a set of huge fake cans on him.

Here's the video, if you are into that sort of thing. The set-up is during a practice session, Duno was driving with her usual complete lack of speed. Patrick was behind her and going much faster (and if Danica Patrick is that much faster than you on a road course, you are a terrible driver and should pretty much lose your racing license on the spot), and kept trying to pass her, except that Duno kept cutting her off.



Note the complete lack of interest by the all-male Citgo crew to do anything to stop the escalating tension, other than to make sure they were out of the way of the cameras. These are smart men.

- And finally...about 100 Columbus Crew fans rumbled with a dozen supporters of mid-level English Premier League team West Ham during an exhibition game on Sunday after the West Ham fans came over to the main Crew supporters' section. And who says that America can't embrace "the beautiful game" the way that they do in Europe. First we get Beckham, and now we have thuggish hooligans. Next we need rampant match fixing and corruption, and we'll be right there.

It should be noted that Carson Palmer is already furiously backpedaling from his anti-Ohio State comments. I imagine that he saw highlights of the soccer match and realized that the violent mob was likely heading for him next.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 0 comments  

Flooding, Destruction of Cleveland Fulfills BCS Game Bet

COLUMBUS - Ohio Governor Ted Strickland appeared at the state Capitol today wearing a smile and an LSU Tigers jersey. He was there to make good on a pre-BCS Title Game bet with Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal by announcing Jan. 20th as the date for the destruction of Cleveland by a major flood from Lake Erie.

"When I first called Governor Jindal to make this bet, we agreed to each make a bet based on what our state is most famous for," Strickland said. "Looking back, agreeing to release millions of tons of water from the dams around Lake Erie and unleashing a murderous torrent onto the citizens of our largest city hardly seems like a fair trade against a gallon of Louisiana hot sauce. But, a bet is a bet, and hey, it's just football, right?"

The Governor then immediately began expressing his condolences to the tens of thousands of Cleveland residents who will lose loved ones, their homes and livelihoods in the pending disaster.

Sources say that Strickland called Jindal immediately after LSU's 38-24 victory over Ohio St. on Jan. 7 to offer his congratulations and to beg Governor Jindal to spare his city. Jindal reportedly responded by declining, saying that "I guess we won't be alone at the bottom of every national survey on people who are homeless, unemployed or committing crimes, now will we?"

Despite the fact that Cleveland will between submerged in three to five feet within three days, Strickland expressed confidence that the turn-around and recovery will be swift.

"Governor Jindal has pledged that he will let the boys from FEMA know about our problem, and that they will be up there just soon as they are done repairing New Orleans," Strickland said. "I'm sure we'll be seeing the first FEMA crews any day now."

The entire Ohio St. offensive line has volunteered to man all dams, in an attempt to stop any water flows resulting in the opening of all gates. However, Strickland dismissed the effort as "futile."

"We're talking millions of gallons of water, and frankly, these guys couldn't stop a blitzing linebacker, much less nature's destructive fury," Strickland said.

In concert with Strickland's announcement, the Cleveland Visitor & Convention Bureau also announced a new "The Parts of Cleveland That Aren't Underwater or Teeming With Rotting Corpses Rocks!" tourism campaign.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

BCS Title Game: The Morning After

Driving into work this morning, and then reading some of the blogosphere, there seemed to be an overwhelming consensus about why LSU beat Ohio St. 38-24 in the BCS Title Game last night: The Tigers simply had better athletes than the Buckeyes. "Too fast, too strong, too tough to contain!" is the refrain that I'm hearing over and over again. And while yes, the conventional wisdom is that Big Ten teams simply don't have the elite level of athletes that SEC schools do, I don't think it's that simple.

Getting past our preconceived notions, last night's game was simple, and brought up an equally disturbing trend that I've noticed among Big Ten schools: they simply cannot pass block. A big part of this, I think, goes back to where you come from. While Big Ten schools like Ohio St. might go cross-country to recruit skill players, the meat of their offensive line recruiting comes from the Midwest. And most high school teams in the Midwest are still run-first in nature. Offensive linemen don't work on pass blocking in the Midwest as much as they do in the West Coast or the South, where high school teams have much more balanced offenses. And pass blocking is a technique-based skill, versus run blocking which is much more about physical ability, size and power. You can try to teach pass blocking in college, but if the skills weren't developed in high school, you've got a long way to go.

I'll use my personal observations watching USC play Big Ten teams in the recent Rose Bowls as an example. In last year's Rose Bowl, Michigan's Chad Henne was sacked six times. In the 2004 Rose Bowl, Michigan's John Navarre was sacked nine times. This would kind of lead you to believe that this is just a problem with the Wolverines' offensive line. But in this year's Rose Bowl, Juice Williams was sacked five times by USC. The same "elusive" Juice Williams that was supposed to give USC fits all game. And make no mistake, the Illini has a lot of talent on offense - besides Williams, Rashard Mendenhall is going to be playing on Sundays, and Arrelious Benn was heavily recruited by USC.

But Illinois, like Michigan teams before them, could not cope with a sustained pass rush, and had no idea how to adjust to the variety of blitz packages USC was sending at them. These weren't just sacks, they were "linebackers coming in untouched and crushing the quarterback like an empty beer can" sacks.

Flash forward to last night. Ohio St. had shown early on that they had speed and athleticism at skill positions - witness Beanie Wells blowing past everyone for a 65-yard TD run on their first series. But if your line is getting pushed back play after play, it's going to wear on your line and they are going to start getting killed in the second half. And that's just what happened. They couldn't run, and Boeckman was scrambling for his life. Five sacks of Boeckman and a costly fumble on fourth down later, and that is pretty much that.

Again, it's history repeating - the Buckeyes were sacked five times in last year's BCS Title Game loss to an SEC team (Florida). Say all you will about "coping with speed" or "athletic disadvantages" - the thing that is holding the Big Ten back is their total inability to pass block, plain and simple. Get a Big Ten team down, where they have to pass and the defense can pin their ears back and rush hard? Look out.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:35 AM 5 comments