MOTEGI, JAPAN - American men around the world were sent into intense mourning on Sunday with news that Danica Patrick had won her first IRL race at the Indy Japan 500. The win is seen by observers of the sport to have tragic, far-reaching consequences, as it has seemingly stopped a career progression for Patrick that was widely believed to be leading down the inevitable path of a Playboy photo shoot within two seasons.
In the last few years, Danica Patrick has managed to keep herself in the public eye despite being being winless with a series of racy phot shoots for publications such as Sports Illustrated, Maxim and FHM. But her victory on Sunday sent chills through the spines of legions of horny men across the US, who worry that the increased respect and publicity for her driving skills will put a damper on her modeling career.
"Those Sports Illustrated photos were so hot, and the FHM spread - Boner Town," said Geoff Doherty, a frequent reader of popular men's magazines. "With the lengths she was willing to go to keep herself relevant even though she wasn't winning, it wasn't going to be that long until she had to do Playboy. But no - someone comes up with a great fuel strategy, and suddenly it's hello 'I'm not just a pretty face' and goodbye 'artfully done beaver shots in Playboy'! God damn it."
Doherty noted Patrick's recent appearances in racy ads for sponsor GoDaddy.com as evidence that she had begun "scrapping the bottom of the barrel" as far as ways to maintain a place in the spotlight, and that there was really no place left to go but Playboy.
"Maybe they'll do a GoDaddy.com ad where they congratulate her for winning the race, and that other girl from the ads will be the trophy girl and her boobs will keep popping out," Doherty said. "But no, she's probably too good for that now. Fuck!"
Doherty said that he was now holding out hope that LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis becomes mired in a terrible slump over the next two seasons.
"But not Lorena Ochoa," he added. "Dear God, not Lorena Ochoa. Let her win every week if that's what it takes..."
