Coming To Terms With Not Caring About Pete Carroll

Up until today, I’ve been hesitant to write anything about Pete Carroll’s departure from USC to become the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks. This might be surprising to a lot of you who know me as a USC grad and proud Trojan. But my reluctance to put pen to paper about this story has nothing to do with any inability to come to terms with Carroll leaving USC, or a lack of ability to separate the animalistic nature of my fandom from my ability to provide in-depth, thoughtful analysis of the situation. No, the answer is far more insidious and something I’ve had trouble coming to terms with since the story first broke: I honestly don’t care anymore.


What was troubling for me in admitting to this fact is that saying that you don’t care that your team is losing a coaching icon seems a lot like saying that you don’t care about that team anymore. And while that isn’t true in the larger context, it is true in the short term. I went to one home game this year (and it was against Washington State, so that barely counts as a game) and I found a lot more reasons this year to catch games on Tivo rather than live. Taking the daughter to the zoo? Catch the game on Tivo. There’s a sprint car race 50 miles away? I can watch the game on Tivo later. Need to do grocery shopping? Kickball practice? Toenail degrouting? Tivo, Tivo, Tivo!

It would be easy to assume that I’m a fair-weather fan, and that my waning interest in the team was a product of the team’s relatively poor showing this year. But let me remind everyone that I went to school during the final years of John Robinson II (aka the Phoning It In Years) and the beginning of the era of He Who Shall Not Be Named (Paul Hackett). I saw some of the worst football imaginable, featuring indifferent or clueless coaches creating ill-advised game plans that were executed by overhyped, outmatched players. And yet those are some of my favorite memories of USC football.

So what’s the problem? Part of it is that I couldn’t stand the annual rite of one or two losses to far inferior opponents every year. They had different names: Oregon State, Stanford, Oregon, Washington, but the pattern would play out the same - USC would find a way to sleepwalk through three quarters before being forced to launch a furious rally that would fall short. And then at the end of the season, I’d have to hear other USC fans overload the airwaves, complaining about how if there was a playoff, USC would win the national title because they were playing better than anyone.

Teams lose to lesser competition - this is why football, especially college football, is so interesting. But no team has made such a habit of it as USC did under Pete Carroll. There were always excuses - calls that didn’t go USC’s way, star players being out - but at the end of the day, it always came down to not being ready to play and not being disciplined enough to execute.

USC probably avoided a lot more losses through much of Pete Carroll’s tenure at USC because of one thing - the coaching staff’s ability to make adjustments during the game. USC came out flat more often than not under Pete Carroll, but they were also (in the team’s heyday) as good of a second-half team as any recent football squad. A team could have a double-digit lead at halftime, and the only question would be how many minutes into the second half would it be before USC had taken the lead. And if USC led at the half? Forget it.

But this stopped happening the last couple of season, culminating in the 2009 season, which was a coaching disaster. I’ll have to go back to the dark days of Paul Hackett to remember a team that was so unconcerned about making changes at halftime. Either the coaching staff ran out of ideas about halfway through the season or they kept clinging onto the cute but ultimately wrong-headed notion that they didn’t need to make changes since USC had better players and would eventually smother the other team with talent, speed, power, aggression and attitude.

My indifference to Pete Carroll isn’t about individual choices (starting Matt Barkley as a true freshman, not being able to ever decide on one running back); it’s more about the attitude he fostered. There’s a line between “loose” and “rudderless,” and the team seemed to fall over the waterfall to the latter this season. Mental mistakes, dumb penalties, inattention to detail - these were the hallmarks of USC football the last couple of years. And if you want to credit Pete Carroll for shape the team’s attitude when things were going well, you also have to lay the blame on him when the attitude was clearly part of the team’s lack of success.

Here’s the thing: it was something special to be a Trojan fan during Pete Carroll’s tenure at USC. The highlight of my time as a student was beating a far-overmatched Northwestern team in one of the least compelling Rose Bowls in history. Since Pete Carroll came to USC, the level of achievement has reached unprecedented levels. And no amount of sour grapes or feelings of abandonment can change that.

But everyone knew Pete Carroll would leave for the NFL someday; it was just a matter of when. And the Seattle Seahawks job is about as good of a deal as he’s going to get: a healthy salary to stay on the West Coast, and a chance to be heavily involved in the front office (Seattle may be forced to hire a separate GM thanks to how badly they boned things in relation to the Rooney Rule, but I think we all know any GM who is hired is second banana to Coach Carroll). Plus, Seattle has enough defensive talent that they can compete next year in a weak NFC West.

So the inevitable has happened. The only question now is: what’s next. I have to assume that Mike Garrett is only nominally involved in the coaching search at this point, since he’s clearly a dead man walking at USC, waiting for the new school president to come in later this year and send him off to pasture with a fat “retirement” package. Whether USC hires Jack Del Rio, Jeff Fisher or someone else, it won’t be the same as it was under Pete Carroll - ever again. And I’m OK with that. It was an amazing run, but I was ready to move on, and I’m glad Coach Carroll was as well.

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• Curious Index, 1/11/2010 (everydayshouldbesaturday.com)
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• Carroll takes Trojans' horse with him into NFL sunset (cbssports.com)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:22 PM 2 comments  

Bobby Bowden: now 75 percent lifelike!

I’ve awoken from my stupor of college football, chocolate Zingers and RC Cola to reflect on the opening weekend. And not to get too hyperbolic about it, but I can’t remember a weekend loopier than this. Usually, the first week is nothing but powerhouses squashing “opponents” with the occasional Big Ten also-ran getting beaten by a MAC team, or a secondary player getting hurt.

Not this year, though: within the course of five days, several teams saw their national title hopes either created or destroyed while the reigning Heisman Trophy winner got piledriven into nothingness. And I’m not even getting into Punchgate yet. Here are some random thoughts on three things I learned after the opening weekend of the college football season:

Bobby Bowden is officially fossilized: I watched the entire Florida State vs. Miami game last night (which for once was actually decent) and I’m pretty sure that Bobby Bowden didn’t move once. Perhaps the assistants changed his position on occasion so he looked “lifelike”, but it was pretty obvious that either they’re just rolling out a wax likeness of Bowden, or he’s completely been fossilized like a dinosaur.

As McLane told me, at this point they’re just taking Bowden out “for his weekly walk” and plunking him on the sidelines while Mickey Andrews coaches the team, while Bowden quietly mutters about Charlie Ward’s point guard skills and where the hell is Chris Weinke?

The worst was the time management on Florida State’s final drive. After the Seminoles completed a pass to inside Hurricanes’ five-yard line with 47 seconds to go, they didn’t have another play ready to run. Instead, they had to have receivers running to the sidelines to wait for a play and then rely that to QB Christian Ponder.

Twenty seconds went by before they got the next play off. Of course, Florida State ran out of time to complete their comeback – think those 20 seconds mattered? To make it worse, the Seminoles had a time out and didn’t use it. And while all this confusion happened, Bowden just stood there with a glazed look on his face, as if he was watching the giant unicorns dance with Thelma Todd and Louise Parker somewhere in the distance.

Here’s Mark May breaking down the total collapse – and he’s being generous not to rip Bowden a new one just because he’s old and probably soiled himself (Bowden, not Mark May).

So much for the “little guys” being little: One of the most infuriating things I saw all weekend was Bob “0-3 in bowls” Davie rambling during the Boise State vs. Oregon game about how teams like the Broncos couldn’t compete week in and week out in “big boy” conferences like the PAC-10 because they lacked the depth. Which I think is a pretty pat and stale argument, but it wasn’t as bad as how he tried to prove his point.

He busted out a graphic that compared Boise State’s players taken in the NFL draft in recent years versus the PAC-10 average. As you would expect, Boise State was behind the PAC-10 average and well behind USC. Therefore, Boise State lacked the depth and the big play talent to compete.

This is, of course, a crock of crap. Looking past the fact that talent does not equal wins (as Davie should know from his wasted years at Notre Dame), let’s think about this for a second. Do you think that there were players from Boise State who were better than players from bigger schools but maybe didn’t get drafted because of where they were from? (Note: the Sarcasm Meter is off the chart at this point.)

I can promise you that at least 25 percent of USC’s late-round draft picks were only drafted because they started at USC, which made it easier for some player development guy to justify taking them versus a small-school player. After all, if he started at USC, he must have talent, right?

If there’s one thing we can take from this weekend, it’s that the “BCS Busters” don’t have to rely on trick plays and getting teams into shootouts to win games. Both Boise State and BYU beat major programs this weekend by playing hard-hitting, physical football and basically imposing their will on the “bigger” teams.

And I don’t want to hear that Sam Bradford’s injury means that there is an asterisk on BYU’s win. It’s not like the Sooners’ offense was burning up Cowboys Stadium before Bradford got hurt. And why was he hurt? Because the Cougars were able to get constant pressure on him, and eventually he paid the price. The Sooners’ offensive line was bad with or without Bradford, and BYU made them pay the price.

Terrelle Pryor can’t throw the football: Let’s put it this way – Navy’s QB looked like John Elway when compared to Pryor. If I were Jim Tressel, I’d be less concerned about Pryor’s message welcoming his boyhood hero Michael Vick back into the NFL and more concerned that Pryor is turning into an on-the-field version of Vick: scrambles into trouble as much as he does out of it; can’t keep his eyes upfield while running; and a powerful arm combined with worthless aim.

I’d really like to see a scenario that someone can develop where Ohio State doesn’t crap the bed this weekend against USC. And “Matt Barkley vomits on himself” is not a valid option – USC is going to run early and often and not put Barkley in a position to make big mistakes.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:47 AM 0 comments  

Spurrier admits South Carolina defense forgot about Tim Tebow last two seasons

HOOVER, AL – After admitting that a staff member had forgotten to include former Heisman Trophy-winner Tim Tebow on a preseason All-SEC ballot when filling out a ballot for him, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier also revealed that he and his defensive coaches had forgotten about him for the past two seasons.

“You’d think that someone would have remembered him, but everyone just seemed to let it slip,” Spurrier said. “It’s just the dangedest thing.”

In Florida’s past two games against South Carolina, Tebow has accounted for 636 yards of offense and 10 TDs, while the Gators have beaten the Gamecocks by an average score of 35 points.

“We kept banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out how to stop Florida’s offense, and we never could figure it out,” Spurrier said. “I guess we’ll have to pay more attention to the game film to see what this Tebow kid’s all about.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:15 PM 0 comments  

Latest BCS rankings: let the rioting begin

I treat the BCS rankings like Christmas - there's no reason to even think about it until November and even then that's probably far too soon. But the first poll of November is out and, predictably, people are losing their damned minds over it. Texas Tech jumps past Penn State! USC falls to No. 7 after winning 56-0! Utah, Boise St. and TCU all in the Top 12! It's chaos!

Of course, there's still a whole month of football left to be played, so reading too much into these rankings is very dangerous. However, there are a few things I think we can safely assume based on where things stand right now:

Penn State fans need to shut up already

Yes, it's a tough break to get jumped in polls when you had a bye week. Or so the Nittany Lion fans are screaming today after Texas Tech moved ahead of them in the rankings. But keep this in mind: Penn State didn't "fall" in the rankings - they were No. 3 before the week started and No. 3 at the end of the week. The only difference is which two teams are ahead of them, with Texas Tech replacing Texas.

I don't see how you can argue with placing the Red Raiders ahead of Penn State this week. Rankings should be based on how well people have performed against the teams they have played to that point in the season. Up until last week, voters were holding off on rewarding Texas Tech for being 8-0, since they have a daunting gauntlet of games to close the season. But now that they've got through the first step and knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, you have to place them higher. They play in a better conference and they have the best win of any of the three undefeated teams at the top of the polls.

But most importantly, this is an incredibly moot point. If Texas Tech wins out, that means they will have beaten Texas, Oklahoma State, Baylor and either Missouri or Kansas in the Big 12 title game. And there would be no possible argument for keeping them out of the BCS title game then. If they lose once, where they are ranked today is meaningless as long as Penn State keeps winning.

If I was a Penn State fan, I'd be more ticked off at Alabama moving up to No. 1 than Texas Tech going to No. 2. Let's be honest about this: what exactly is the Crimson Tide's signature win? Georgia? The same team that got hammered by Florida this week? The Clemson team that fired their head coach midway through the season? Tennessee, who just fired their coach today? I'd argue that Penn State's win over Oregon State (more on them in a minute) is looking far more impressive by the week, while Alabama's earlier wins lose more and more of their luster.

Utah, Boise St., TCU, BYU and Ball State fans should learn to hate Ohio State as much as the rest of the college football world does

Why? Their BCS bowl chances might be directly tied to how Ohio State does in their final three games against Northwestern, Illinois and Michigan. To attempt to briefly explain: any school from a non-BCS conference that is ranked in the Top 12 of the final regular season BCS poll is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game. But if more than two teams are in the Top 12, only the highest-ranking is guaranteed a spot. Which is potentially bad news for Utah, TCU and Boise St., all in the Top 12 this week.

Only teams in the Top 16 are eligible for at-large BCS berths and - here's the big catch - no conference can send more than two teams to BCS bowl games. Right now nine of the top 16 spots in the BCS are taken by teams from two conferences: the SEC and the Big 12. And there is almost no chance that the ACC, Big East or PAC-10 will send two teams. (See next item for the one percent chance that the PAC-10 sends two schools.)

Doing the math: there are four at-large berths. Second teams from the Big 12 and SEC will get two of those four, as (almost certainly) will the highest-finishing non-BCS school. Leaving the final BCS at-large berth to go to another BCS Buster or...Ohio State.

Yes, the same cockroaches that ruined the last two championship games are all that stand in the way of the greatest season in non-BCS football history. They sit at No. 12 in the current rankings. If they win out, they'll get the final BCS at-large berth. If they slip up, that spot will almost have to go to a non-BCS team in the Top 16 (even Ball State could get the nod).

In some small way, we all should be rooting for Northwestern next week.

USC is screwed, screwed, screwed (and deservedly so)

After USC lost to Oregon State, I told anyone who would listen that the Trojans' BCS Title hopes were done. And everyone tried to convince me that USC was still alive. "Just look at the carnage last season," they said. "They win out and they'll be fine."

Looking at the first week of November, and I stand by my earlier statement. They don't just need upsets to start happening, but huge upsets with teams way outside of the BCS rankings to take down big names. Texas Tech knocking off Texas might have seemed like a break for the Trojans, for example, but it turned out to be the worst thing imaginable - not only did the Red Raiders leap over USC, but Texas didn't fall behind them.

Without getting into drawn-out rationales, here are the relevant facts:

• The Big 12 champion is making it to the BCS title game. In order for this not to happen, it would take a scenario so convoluted that M. Night Shymalayan would dismiss it as crackpot for there not to be at least one team left with one loss, and there is no way a one-loss Big 12 team is getting left out of the mix.
• Alabama goes if they run the table. The best team most likely to beat them: one-loss Florida, who would certainly go ahead of USC if they win out. They only way USC would be picked ahead of the SEC champion is if Florida loses again but beats Alabama in the SEC title game. And even then, one-loss Alabama might still go ahead of USC (sending a team that lost its conference championship is a nightmare scenario for the BCS).
• Penn State has the easiest path to going undefeated. But if they slip up, they are done. (There is no way a one-loss Big Ten team makes it, period.)

In poker terms, USC has pockets 4s against other teams' pocket aces. And the Trojans don't even control their own BCS fate: if Oregon State wins out, they would get the PAC-10 title and Rose Bowl berth, sending USC to other BCS game. (This is the one percent chance of this happening, considered Oregon State barely beat a lousy ASU team at home on Saturday, and still have to play Oregon, Cal and Arizona.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

Your College Football Viewing Guide: Week 9

As you may have noticed, we've stopped with the predictions. Basically, when the "winner" is going lucky to break .500, it's just embarrassing. So having completed shredded all credibility that I might have dreamed about having as a college football expert with my asinine picks, I've decided to start telling you what to watch, with a handy viewing guide for the weekend's games.

All listings come from the invaluable Matt's College Sports on TV Website. Check your local listings for...blah blah blah. Consider this your guide for going into a football-related coma until the NFL games on Sunday.

FRIDAY

Boise St. @ San Jose St. (6 pm PT/9 pm ET, ESPN2)

Here we are, moving into November, and I'll be damned if Boise St. isn't there contending for a BCS bowl berth again. And their doing it without a huge contribution from Ian Johnson, the poster boy of their Fiesta Bowl win. See what happens when you get married?

Meanwhile, San Jose St. has a pair of brothers who, for the first time in NCAA history, are each leading a major statistical category: Carl Ihenacho (tackles for loss) and his brother Duke (interceptions). But of course, I care more about the fact that the Spartans now refer to them as The Nacho Brothers, a nickname so awesome, it takes The Four Horsement out behind the middle school and impregnates it.

In fact, they should just go the Joe Theismann route and change their name to match the marketing ploy. I can't imagine anything better than being named Duke Nacho, but I'm biased. Maybe Duke Pizza would be close.

SATURDAY

Early Morning Game: Texas Tech @ Kansas (9 am PT/noon ET, ESPN)

ZOMG! NO ONE PLAYS DEFENSE! THEY WILL SCORE 150 POINTS!

Usually this kind of hyperbole leads to 20-13 snoozers. But there is no way that these two offenses and defenses (I'm looking at you, Jayhawks) will let that happen. Ever play Madden, but actually with 15 minute quarters, only to get burnt out when the score reaches 500? You might have some of that fatigue taking place in this game...if you hate scoring in football, and are a lefty Commie terrorist pal-arounder.

Afternoon Game: Georgia @ LSU (3:30 pm PT/6:30 pm ET, CBS)

As you've been reminded all week, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME, as the winner still has a shot at making it to the BCS Title Game, while the loser gets their second loss and is almost certainly done. I guess. I mean, wasn't that what we said after LSU lost to Kentucky in November last year for their second defeat?

That being said, I haven't seen a thing from LSU that would led me to believe that they can score enough points to keep up with Georgia. Save for one awful half against Alabama, and the Bulldogs are the clear No. 1 team in the country right now. Yeah, going into LSU is tough, but the Bulldogs are far and away the superior team.

Evening Game: Penn St. @ Ohio St. (5 pm PT/8 pm ET, ABC)

The only thing I'm getting more sick of hearing about than Joe Paterno's leg is the Ohio St. Cockroach effect, as in "you keep writing them out of the national title chase, and they keep coming back." They keep coming back year after year because while they might lose one game, other teams find ways to lose two or more. That being said, they'll need win out and get some help to have a chance. Meanwhile, I think one loss dooms Penn St. - like Alabama, pollsters don't really believe in them, I think, and are looking for an excuse to drop them down.

In other words, this is a NATIONAL TITLE ELIMINATION GAME. If this becomes a laugher at halftime, feel free to cruise over to ESPN to see if Alabama has finally fallen on its face yet (and wouldn't it be amazing if Tennessee was the team to do the trick) or check and see if you get Fox Sports to see a USC vs. Arizona game that I think is going to be far more competitive than most people. TRAP GAME!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:59 AM 1 comments  

BYU vs. Utah to be shown on network no one gets

Barring an upset of epic proportions, the BYU vs. Utah game should be the biggest game in Mountain West Conference history - two undefeated, Top Ten teams playing each other with a shot at a BCS bowl game (or more) at stake. It's a game so big that there's only one sports channel that could handle it: The MountainWest Sports Network.

That's right - the biggest game in non-BCS conference football history is coming, and it's going to be on "The mtn.", a network that practically doesn't exist: it's on the backwoods of DirectTV (probably somewhere in between The Salt Water Fishing Channel and The Australian Rules Football Network) and a smattering of cable companies in Rocky Mountain states.

So for that 99 percent of you who live anywhere else and don't have DirectTV, you're totally out of luck. It's the same scenario as when the NFL Network had the rights to the Patriots vs. Giants game to close out the regular season last year, except it doesn't appear there will be any common sense decision made to simulcast the game. I'll let network GM Kim Carver explain it:

Now with DirecTV carrying the channel, Carver said simulcasting the game isn't necessary because her network is national.

In other words, if you don't have the mtn. and aren't planning to attend the game at Rice-Eccles Stadium, you'd better make some friends who get the network.

"We are pretty excited to be carrying the game," Carver said. "It could be a very big game."

Carver estimated her network is carried in about 5 million to 8 million households this season, compared with just 1.2 million a year ago.

"We've had significant growth," she said. "People have choices."

I know I have a choice: go to a sports bar that might happen to carry it, or don't watch it. At least I have that option - with the vast majority of both team's fans being Mormon, I don't think heading down to Hooters with the wife and 12 kids is a great option for watching the game. I can picture Mrs. Young getting her magic underwear in a bunch now.

And here's the amazing part: The mtn. is No. 3 on the pecking order for choices of Mountain West games each week, behind sister stations Versus and CBS College Sports (each with much wider distribution). Meaning that both other networks passed on the biggest game in Mountain West Conference history to show the following games:

• Air Force at TCU and Oregon St. at Arizona (Versus)
• Conference USA game TBD (CBS College Sports)

That's right: CBS College Sports would rather make sure to lock in an unknown Conference USA game rather than BYU vs. Utah. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the conference, and they are blowing it. And based on the fact that the two schools have previously hired lawyers to fight the conference's lousy distribution package, I imagine there is some righteous anger going on at Utah and BYU right now as well.

If nothing else, I'm sure ABC or ESPN would love to have the game, and would be willing to pay top dollar to purchase the rights for just that one game. Imagine how many blue nametags or extra bicycle helmets they could buy in Utah with the money they could make?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:27 PM 2 comments  

I give up on the Coliseum

I've been going to USC football games at the Coliseum for 15 years now, and I've defending the stadium to anyone and everyone who will listen.

"Sure, it could use some work, but it's a great stadium. The sight lines are great, and you have such history. Yeah, it could use some sprucing up, but that's what makes it so charming."

But after going to the USC/Ohio State game on Saturday with my wife and daughter, I'm officially giving up on the place. It's time to take the blinders off and realize that I can't defend it anymore - it's a horrible stadium that is in danger of completely falling apart. Not only is it inconvenient and creaky, it's physically dangerous.

(I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest. I feel like Betty from Mad Men, telling Don to leave and don't come home. Excuse me while I put on a party dress and drink a bottle of Wild Turkey.)

First, it's a nightmare getting to your seats. As I heard from dozens of Ohio State fans, "Couldn't they build some escalators to get to the upper seats?" And there are a few, but not nearly enough. Keep in mind these were Ohio State fans we're talking about, with their rigorous Midwestern workout and eating regiments, so take their complaints about physical exhortation at face value.

Then there's the concesison stands. The one I went to didn't take credit card. How is this possible in 2008? And I should point out that the nearest ATM was about a third of the way around the stadium - and not working.

The bathrooms were a nightmare. Basically, in my section, there Blogger: Your Face is a Sports Blog - Create Postis one restroom for men, with two doors - one clearly marked entrance and the other clearly marked exit. But because the line to wait was so huge, people were going in the exit side. Which kind of made sense in one way - the bathrooms are so poorly laid out, that if you come in the regular way, you don't realize there's a whole section of urinals further down no one is using, because you're afraid if you walk past the first section, you'll lose your place.

The problem is that with everyone coming in the wrong way, it makes it impossible to exit. I literally stood in line five minutes to get into the restroom, and at least 10 coming out. Good thing it was an ABC Extend-O-Rama Halftime or else I would have missed the start of the third quarter.

But the real problem is the stadium itself. Nothing sums up how bad things have become more than this story from near the end of the second quarter of the game. My wife is fiddling under her seat to get some food out for our 14-month-old daughter. As she looks behind the seat, she sees a giant Black Widow spider about halfway up the seat. And in case you think there's some over-dramatization taking place here, it was 100 percent a Black Widow - red hourglass spot n the back and everything.

My wife is the strongest person I know, but she hates bugs. (And her dad is an exterminator - go to town on that one, Freud.) So she takes off out of the seats and into the walkway above (our seats were the top row of the first level, so the walkway between levels was directly above us - in fact, the spider had crawled out of a crack in that wall). I'm there standing up holding my baby, which doesn't put me in a great position to do anything.

Some guy a few seats over tried to kill it with his keys, but it crawled into the wall before he could get it. He tried to stuff napkins into the hole to keep it from coming back out. Needless to say, this was not a soilid enough solution for my wife.

Security was called, maintenance reports were filed...it was a mess. We were told that to switch seats, we would have to walk to the ticket office at the other end of the stadium and go through a huge process. The crisis was "solved" when the spider came back out, and our neighbor was able to smasj it with his keys.

But still, Black Widow spiders? Seriously? LIke I said, that's the last straw for me. It's time to do something massive to renovate the place. Or, do it the Mafia way - torch the place and collect the insurance money. If they need it, I know a guy who can do some stuff for them, if you know what I mean.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:07 AM 0 comments  

Five non-conference trap games for national title contenders

Every year, you can go through the college football schedule and find several games involving national title contenders that just jump out at you as all sorts of potential trouble. It doesn't always work out that way - sometimes the "better" team does what they are supposed to do and takes care of business. But sometimes these games lead to dogfights...and upsets.

As a wise, squid-faced Admiral once said...

























IT'S A TRAP!

Here are five games to watch out for this season as games with the potential to change the title chase.

Oklahoma @ Washington (Sept. 13): Washington is either going to be one of the surprise teams in college football this season, or else the Huskies will be in the familiar role of conducting a search for a new head coach at the end of the season. Jake Locker is going to be a handful for the Sooners' defense to control, and if he has matured as a passer over the off-season, look out. Plus, we all know what happened the last time Oklahoma ventured to the Pacific Northwest.

Georgia vs. Central Michigan (Sept. 6): With all the talk of the Murder's Row that Georgia has for itself in terms of their schedule this year, and with their SEC opener against The Ol' Ball Coach the following week, it would be understandable if the Bulldogs look past Central Michigan. They shouldn't. The Chippewas have stud QB Dan LeFevour, who joined Vince Young last season as the only two QBs to pass for 3,000 yards and rush for 1,000 yards in the same season. Now, Central Michigan's defense isn't nearly good enough to slow down, much less stop, Georgia's offense. But don't be surprised if this isn't more of a shootout and a lot closer than people would think.

LSU vs. Appalachian State (Aug. 30): I don't think we need to explain why this could be a dangerous game for the Tigers. But still, knowing what Appalachian State did last season, there's no way that LSU overlooks the Mountaineers, right? Right?

Texas vs. Florida Atlantic (Aug. 30): Remember who Texas let Arkansas State hang around in last season's opener before stumbling their way to a 21-13 victory? That wasn't the first time they've had trouble with supposed "easy" victories under Mack Brown. If they pull the same stunt against Florida Atlantic - the class of the Sun Belt - they might not be so lucky. FAU QB Rusty Smith (which is kind of a dirty name if you work really hard to make it so) threw for more than 3,600 yards and 32 TDs last year. And Owls head coach Howard Schnellenberger isn't going to be intimidated by the name on the other team's jerseys. This could be big, big trouble for the Longhorns.

Wisconsin @ Fresno St. (Sept. 13): It's one thing to schedule a game against the "giant killers" from the Central Valley. It's another thing to schedule one at their place. From personal experience, I can tell you that it's going to be witheringly hot at Bulldog Stadium, and the atmosphere should be insane. It's not going to help the Badgers that this might be Pat Hill's best team ever at Fresno St. This is less "trap" and more "giant flashing sign that says Uh Oh."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:39 PM 0 comments  

The college football magazines are out!

Well, Lindy's and Athlon's so far - Sporting News isn't out yet, as it's always the last to arrive. But hot damn, who cares - for the true college football fan, getting the first college football preview magazine is like Christmas, New Year's and your birthday all rolled into one. I'll be giddy for weeks as I cramp my brain trying to read every bit of information about every team. I'm like the dad from "A Christmas Story" after he receives his major award: these magazines are hot sex for me.

Trust me, many, many more updates to follow. Why?

BECAUSE COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON HAS OFFICIALLY STARTED, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:42 PM 1 comments  

US Military Ask Weis to Please Not Try to Motivate Troops in Middle East

KUWAIT CITY - Top US military officials today implored Notre Dame head football coach Charlie Weis to "please not derail things any more than they are" by attempting to use his "obviously deficient" motivational skills when he visits US forces in the Middle East in May with a group of college coaches.

"Coalition forces have made great strides since the troop surge," said Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "Being a Navy man, I can tell you that the last thing we need is this joker giving a speech to the troops and setting us back three years."

Mullen added that Weis was welcome to join the group of coaches on their trip, provided that he didn't speak or make eye contact with any of the troops, and brought his own food and "kept his fat hands" off of the troops' MREs.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:09 PM 0 comments  

Shocking news: Marniovich other than Todd arrested

Two Syracuse football players were arrested early Sunday morning after getting drunk and breaking into a sports equipment room. The two players - senior Paul Chiara and freshman Mikhail Marinovich - have been charged with misdemeanor mischief and were released on appearance tickets.

I know what you're thinking, and...yes, it's THAT Marinovich family name, specifically the little brother of former USC and Raiders QB and legendary fuck-up Todd Marinovich. If you aren't aware of the Todd Marinovich story, a brief recap:

His dad pushed him to be the "perfect QB" from his elementary school days, regimenting his life so much that he was never allowed to eat at McDonald's - even once - lest it destroy his nutrition routine. He went to USC and was starting QB as a freshman, quickly being thought of as the Next Big Thing after leading them to the Rose Bowl.

Then things went south. He left USC after a falling out with Coach Larry Smith over his - personal habits. He was drafted in the first round by the Raiders, and got off to a great start with them before falling apart. Rumors of drug use abounded as he was let go by the Raiders and fell out of the NFL. He bounced around the CFL and Arena League, and got into increasingly more and more legal trouble.

I was the beat reporter for the LA Avengers during their inaugural season for the OC Register. I wasn't at practice when he was arrested on rape charges, but I can tell you that in my experiences with him...well, let's just say that he could have been auditioning for the role of The Dude in the national touring company of "The Big Lebowski: The Musical!" There was a lot of haze behind the eyes, so it was no shock that he was arrested for heroin possession in 2001, effectively ending any playing career he might have.

What's he been up to since then? I'll let his Wikipedia entry speak for itself:

Marinovich was arrested in a public bathroom in Newport Beach, California in May 2005, after being found with apparent drug paraphernalia and child pornography. He fled on a child's bicycle, but was caught a few blocks away. He gave his occupation as "unemployed artist" and "anarchist" on the police report, which stated that his pupils were dilated and his behavior "erratic." He was ordered to undergo six months of drug rehabilitation followed by six months of outpatient treatment as a result.

In August 2007, Marinovich was arrested and charged with felony drug possession and resisting a police order after being stopped for skateboarding near the Newport Beach, California Pier boardwalk, where skateboarding is forbidden by local ordinance. Marinovich ran away when officers tried to stop him. He was found hiding in a carport about six blocks away. He had a guitar case, and inside officers found about a gram of powdered methamphetamine, a metal spoon and a hypodermic needle, Sgt. Evan Sailor said. Marinovich was arrested and pleaded not guilty to felony possession of a controlled substance and misdemeanor counts of unauthorized possession of a hypodermic and resisting a police officer.

So while getting arrested for breaking into an equipment shed with a teammate while drunk might seem minor - in the Marinovich family, I believe it's called "taking the first step" towards a lengthy career of fucking up. I expect to see the younger Marinovich high on mescaline in the Syracuse belltower, shooting people with a BB gun within a year. After all, he has a family reputation to uphold.

P.S. Here's a photo of Mikhail. I'm surprised that he would get into trouble - he looks like such a clean-cut young man...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:08 AM 1 comments  

South Beats North in Senior Bowl, Avenges Civil War

MOBILE, AL - Florida's Andre Caldwell scored on a two-yard touchdown run as time expired to give the South a dramatic 17-16 victory over the North in the Senior Bowl on Saturday. And even though it was an exhibition game, it still served as vindication for millions of fans of the South still hurting from the last meaningful clash between these two bitter rivals - the Civil War.

"Boy, we said that The South Would Rise Again, and we meant it," said Grady Alexander, a gas station attendant from Mobile who bought tickets to the game - a match-up showcasing graduating seniors to NFL scouts - after hearing of the North vs. South team match-ups. "Those Yankees never knew what hit 'em."

Celebrations spread quickly through the South after the game. Thousands of fans in cities throughout the region took to the streets to celebrate, waving giant Rebel flags as a way to to their Southern pride, but not at all in a racist way. The most serious incident was in South Carolina, where a group of Civil War reenactors calling themselves "The Sons of the Sons of the Confederacy" attempted to capture of the gift shop at the Fort Sumner Museum and "liberate" the T-shirts, pins, and fridge magnets "as war loot."

Caldwell (pictured, right) was apprehensive when asked after the game how it felt to give so much pride back to white Southerners.

"Umm...I'm not sure I scored, actually," he said. "I might have stepped out of bounds, or have been lined up off the line of scrimmage. Or maybe we had 12 men on the field. I think I should, in the spirit of fair play, report these things to the ref so that the final score can be overturned."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:12 PM 0 comments  

Chow: UCLA hire has nothing to do with burning, passionate hatred for Carroll

New UCLA offensive coordinator Norm Chow said today that his decision to return to the college coaching ranks after having been an assistant with the NFL's Baltimore Ravens was all about opportunity, and certainly has nothing to do with a burning, passionate hatred for USC head coach Pete Carroll that has built up since he left the Trojans in 2004.

"Nope. This is just a good chance to do something I like somewhere I'm comfortable," Chow said. "I don't have any bitterness or anger over how horribly I was treated at USC, or how ungrateful Coach Carroll was for everything I did for the team. Certainly, I want us to beat USC, but this isn't any sort of all-encompassing, consuming desire to crush USC that is going to take over every aspect of my life. Nothing like that at all."

Chow insisted that despite reports of tension between him and Carroll over control of USC's offense and credit for the Trojans' run of success, he and his former boss had a good relationship.

"It will be good to see him before the game next year," Chow said. "Or after the game, crying. We're still good friends - friends who don't ever talk to each other, and who want to se the other person crushed and destroyed, with their lifelong dreams and ambitions shattered like fine china in an earthquake. That kind of friend."

Chow denied reports that he was the voice behind an anonymous phone message to NCAA investigators saying the the caller "knew where all of USC's skeletons are buried," and that they could meet "in the corner booth of Lamonica's Pizza on Westwood Blvd." if they wanted more information.

Chow also disputed rumors that it would be difficult to work under new UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel, who got the UCLA job after Chow had previously interviewed for it.

"You know, these things happen, and I'm happy to be working under Rick, plus I still have plenty of time in my career to get that first head coaching break," said Chow, 61. "In fact, I like to pick up coffee from Starbucks every morning for Coach Neuheisel. He likes the Hazelnut Latte, which is great since the strong taste should mask the taste of oleander when the time comes. So yeah, I think I'll be a head coach, at least in an emergency, interim capacity, very soon."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:37 AM 0 comments  

Ken Norton Jr. Breaks Bruin Hearts Again

You know Ken Norton, Jr. All-American linebacker at UCLA. The only player in NFL history to play on three consecutive Super Bowl-winning teams. Wanted to coach at his alma mater after his playing career but was told by Karl Dorrell that there was no room on the staff, he decided to take a job with his former defensive coordinator Pete Carroll at USC. Is now the linebackers coach for the Trojans, a squad that makes it their mission to destroy UCLA offensive players on a yearly basis, almost like someone had something to prove or an axe to grind.

Well, Rick Neuheisel decided to try and make a "big splash" by convincing Norton to come back to UCLA in the same position. And, just like you would think would happen, Norton listened and waited long enough to get Bruins' hopes up, before driving a stake through their hearts by announcing that he's not leaving USC after all.

At least Norm Chow is now available after he received his pink slip from the Titans today. (I found it interesting to read about his firing in the LA Times one day after they said he wasn't a serious candidate at UCLA because he had "just signed a contract extension." Am I missing something here?) Bringing him back as offensive coordinator to compete against Carroll, whom he had a "frosty" relationship with, could be one way to needle USC a bit. Then again, Chow is under the perpetual notion that he's just one interview away from becoming a head coach somewhere, when in fact Chow Yun Fat has a better chance of becoming a head football coach than Norm Chow.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:16 PM 0 comments  

I'm Officially Skeptical of the New Reggie Bush Expose

Not because I think it's dramatically inconceivable that he accepted cash and other favors from a sports agent/marketer when he was at USC. That kind of seems hard not to believe. What I'm skeptical of is that the majority of the revelations in "Tarnished Heisman" are from, to quote the Los Angeles Times story today, "interviews with Lloyd Lake, who tried to secure Bush as a client for the marketing company he and others attempted to launch." And on top of that, the book's authors admit that they compensated Lake for agreeing to participate in the book.

Let's see: a whole book based on the claims of a disgruntled person with shady past and a grudge to settle, who is paid by the authors for his troubles. Yeah, I can't imagine that there's any blurring of the lines of journalistic integrity there. There would be no reason for the authors, after paying Lake, to pressure him to ensure that the revelations had sufficient sizzle and offered new, shocking claims not already uncovered by Yahoo! Sports. Except for the fact that, apparently, without that, they have no book.

The whole thing is dodgy. I give it a week before it's completely off the news cycle

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:08 PM 1 comments  

Paul Maguire Stranded on Camera Crane Following Peach Bowl

ATLANTA – Embarrassed ESPN officials admitted on Thursday morning that analyst Paul Maguire had been abandoned on his end-zone camera boom position at the Georgia Dome since Monday night’s Peach Bowl broadcast, but stressed that a rescue effort was currently underway.

For the past several seasons, Maguire has acted as a third analyst on national broadcasts on ESPN and ABC. While Brad Nessler and Bob Griese work in the press box, Maguire is positioned on a giant camera boom behind one end zone, giving him what ESPN officials called a "unique perspective" on the game.

"While we would love for all of our broadcasts to perfect, anyone in the industry knows that this just isn't possible," said ESPN Executive Senior Vice President of Studio and Event Production Norby Williamson. "Unfortunately, there were a serious of mistakes and situations that led to Paul remaining on his broadcast post for an extended period of time."

Williamson said that several factors were involved. The responsibility for removing Maguire from his camera crane position usually falls on production assistant Scott "Scooter" Jones, but he missed the Peach Bowl to attend to the birth of his first child. The replacement production assistant who put Maguire onto his post had been called away on other production duties, but had failed to re-assign the job of lowering Maguire from the 15-foot tall crane.

"The fact that it was New Year's Eve didn't help matters," Williamson said. "A lot of the crew wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, especially since the game had run into overtime. There were apparently some pretty 'bumpin' parties down in the Buckethead District, and our crew wanted to enjoy their evening. Somehow in the rush, no one thought to get Paul down."

Further complicating matters was the fact that Griese, designated as Maguire's "travel buddy", was apparently in no condition to assist after the game.

"We usually assign Bob to help make sure that Paul gets to the airport OK and doesn't get confused in a new city and become hopelessly lost again," Williamson said. "But to tell you the truth, Bob's been hitting the bottle pretty good since the Patriots won their last game and matched Bob's 1972 Dolphin team for a perfect record. When we were packing up and ready to leave 45 minutes after sign-pff, Bob had already gotten into the rye, and you know him and the rye."

It is believed that Macguire, 69, fell asleep after the final play of the game, and did not wake up until the next morning. He was found by a crew late Wednesday night coming into the Georgia Dome to set up for an upcoming Miley Cyrus concert. Maguire was reported to be in fair condition, although he requested a Tab soda and some Cream of Wheat after not having eaten or drank for almost 48 hours.

Initial attempts to remove Maguire from the crane were unsuccessful, as workers' attempts to shout instructions to Maguire on how to work the crane controls located on an armrest right next to him were hampered my Maguire's poor hearing and his, in the words of one rescue worker, "complete inability to work anything electronic that is more complicated than a toaster."

"I sensed that something was wrong on the shuttle back to the hotel," said Nessler. "Something didn't smell right - and I'm not just talking about Griese and his rye. Some smell was missing. Looking back now, it was the Old Man smell that Paul has. It's overpowering - like burnt coffee, Vicks and mothballs. Frankly, that's the reason he's out in the end zone instead of in the booth with us."

This marks the worst incident of a broadcaster being left behind after an assignment since Jim McKay was stranded in Austria following a broadcast of a Formula 1 race on ABC's Wide World of Sports in 1975 and was forced to eat color commentator Jackie Stewart to survive.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:28 AM 1 comments  

NCAA Places UCLA Football on "Proactive Probation"

LOS ANGELES – The NCAA announced on Monday that the UCLA football program was the first-ever school to be placed on “proactive probation,” following the Bruins’ hiring of former Colorado and Washington head coach Rick Neuheisel.

“In light of the multiple recruiting violations and lack of institutional control that will surely occur at UCLA within the next 12 months, we’ve decided to take action in advance and issue our punishment now,” said an official statement from the NCAA.

The statement from the NCAA including a laundry list of infractions that Neuheisel – who had a checkered past at both of his previous head coaching jobs – will “possibly to probably” commit in 2008. Included on the list:

• Exceeding number of recruiting visits
• Illegal contact with boosters
• Illegal contact with parents of potential recruits
• Illegal contact with hot sisters of potential recruits
• Sneaking underage recruits into NC-17 movies
• Larceny
• Participating in an underground street racing organization
• Wire-tapping Pete Carroll’s personal phone
• Selling graduate assistants into white slavery
• Taking the team out for ice cream after a tough loss

The punishment includes the loss of five scholarships over the 2008 season and a reduction in recruiting trips. UCLA athletic director Dan Guerrero said that while they were unaware that the NCAA had the authority to issue punishment in advance of any infractions, they accepted the decision.

“Frankly, we knew this was a possibility the day we hired Coach Neuheisel, but we just didn’t know it would happen literally the day after we hired him,” Guerrero said. “At least this way we can plan ahead instead of waiting for after the season to find out what the punishment would be.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:34 AM 2 comments  

Bowden: Florida St. Cheating Scandal Simply Misguided "Turn Back the Clock" Stunt

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden said today that the cheating scandal that could decimate his roster for the Music City Bowl game against Kentucky and the 2008 season was not a symptom of a program out of control, but rather a unique “Turn Back the Clock” gimmick designed to remind fans and the team of the program’s glory days in the 1980s and early 1990s.

“You know, we were talking about doing something to remind these kids and all the fans just what Seminole football used to be all about,” said Bowden. “We talked about retro jerseys, or bringing back some old players. Then I got the inspiration. I said ‘Dad gum it, Florida State football ain’t about jerseys, or even the players. If we really want to turn back the clock, we need to get back to what we’ve always done best – get involved in a scandal that embarrasses the university, its fans and alumni.”

Bowden said that he was surprised at the uproar about the allegations involving up to 25 players and an online music history exam.

“It’s not like these guys are normally going to class anyway,” Bowden said. “We just thought it would be a change of pace to have them actually take the tests for themselves instead of just giving them their As – and when I say ‘take the test’, I mean ‘supply them with the answers for the test’, of course.”

Sincere thought was given to giving the team a shopping spree at a local sporting apparel store on the eve of the game, but Bowden staff quickly soured on the idea, saying that it was tough to “stack up to the pinnacle of this program’s achievements,” although they left the door open to use the idea in the future ahead of a game against Florida.

Bowden added that he thought his opponent for the Music City Bowl made it an ideal choice for this sort of “team-building activity.”

“I know the Kentucky program well, and I’ve known Coach Mumme for a long time,” Bowden said. “I’m sure he appreciates a good-natured, spirited scandal as much as the next person, and has his own thing cooked up for the bowl game.”

When informed that former Wildcats head coach Hal Mumme had been forced to resign in 2001 after a myriad of sanctions from the NCAA, Bowden stared blankly at the reporter for almost a minute before launching into a brief, rambling speech about the weather and how “things were different under FDR,” nearly choking on a Burger King hamburger and finally being led back to the team hotel by a school official.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:58 AM 0 comments  

Petrino Overwhelmed by Congratulatory Gift Sent by Les Miles

FAYETTEVILLE, AR - New Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino was "blown away" by the massive congratulatory gift sent to him by LSU coach Les Miles today after it was announced that Petrino was leaving the NFL's Atlanta Falcons in midseason to take the vacant Razorbacks head coaching job.

"I mean, I could barely open the door to my office because there were so many gifts waiting for me from Coach Miles," Petrino said. "Candies, flowers, gift baskets, even one of those Vermont Teddy Bears in Arkansas red and white. I guess being part of the SEC coaching fraternity really does mean something."

Miles said that his enthusiasm for Petrino's return to the college coaching ranks had nothing to do with the recent scrutiny he has faced. Miles has been linked repeatedly to the vacant Michigan coaching job - even after stating he was staying at LSU and inking a contract extension.

"No one should read anything into it at all," Miles said. "It's just such an honor to have another NFL coach come to the SEC - the greatest conference in the country, by the way, and one that I will never, ever leave - that I thought it was only right on welcome him to the club. Obviously, he should be ready for a lot of media coverage. If I was in the media, I'd be writing about this non-stop instead of talking about other coaching vacancies - this is huge news!"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:58 AM 0 comments  

Petrino to exit the sinking ship that is the Atlanta Falcons?

Just when you thought that it couldn't get any worse...ESPN is reporting that Falcons first-year head coach Bobby Petrino is going to leave the team to become the next head coach at the University of Arkansas. This comes one day after the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reported that Petrino had told university officials that he was not interested in leaving the Falcons for the Razorbacks.

Of course, question No. 1 is: how much stock should we put into ESPN's "multiple sources" - are these the same sources that Kirk Herbstreit uses? Secondly, this tells you just how bad the Falcons are - Arkansas really isn't much of a step up from the Louisville job Petrino originally left. The last time this happened was when Nick Saban bailed on the Dolphins after last season, and look where Miami is today - starting down the barrel of 0-16.

This is a good hire for Arkansas if they pull it off - Petrino's a proven winner at the college level, although recruiting in Conference USA or the Big East is a far cry from recruiting in the SEC. Still, anything is better than the circus sideshow that the last few seasons under Houston Nutt had become.

Now, someone keep Darren McFadden away from the pit bulls and convince him to come back next season, and you might be on to something!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:20 PM 0 comments