MLB to require all players to speak English; league to contract to 8 teams

NEW YORK - Following the lead of the LPGA, Major League Baseball announced today that all players must speak English by the start of the 2009 season or be banned from playing. In a related story, it was also announced that due to an expected lack of eligible players, the league would be contracting to eight teams for the 2009 season.

"It's really hampered us that some of our star athletes can't fully participate in marketing baseball here in the U.S. because they don't speak English," said Commissioner Bud Selig at a press conference. "This move addresses that fact. Unfortunately, the only way to address that fact was to eliminate 75 percent of our workforce."

To ensure a high level of play, the Commissioner's Office decided to contract teams rather than calling up the remaining American minor leaguers, lumping together teams from similar geographic regions. Joe Torre, manager of the soon-to-be-called San Angeles Padgers of Anaheim, expressed concern over the plan.

"It doesn't seem fair to be that a kid should have his livelihood taken away just because he can't speak English," Torre said. "I mean, look at Manny Ramirez - just because he grew up in the Dominican and only speaks Spanish, that doesn't mean the fans shouldn't get to see him play."

Torre refused to believe reporters who informed him that Ramirez in fact speaks English and grew up in New York.

Current and former players had differing reactions to the decision. Former Braves closer John Rocker applauded the decision. Meanwhile, Oaklansico Marin-A's star Ichiro Suzuki immediately fired his interpreter, and went on a lengthy tour of radio and TV shows, speaking in eloquent English about ihs feelings on the matter.

Selig said he has hired bilingual lip readers to work with replay officials in New York, and they have permission to indefinitely suspend anyone suspected of speaking a foreign language in the dugout or during a meeting on the mound.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:00 PM 0 comments  

2008 Handicapabling Challenge Week 1

Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.

But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.

So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.

First, my picks:

- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas

I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.

- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon

That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.

- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers

Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.

- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA

I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.

- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama

I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.

And now, presenting the picks for McLane:

I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.

God bless college football.

- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech

I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.

-Alabama +4 1/2 @ Clemson

Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.

This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.

-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA

Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.

-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.

This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.

The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM 1 comments