Atlanta – Despite being cut by the Atlanta Falcons today, former first-round draft pick and rookie sensation Diet Pepsi Machine vowed that his playing career is not over.
“I still feel like I can contribute to a team that needs a talented playmaker, or a zero calorie alternative to regular soda,” said Machine as he cleaned out his locker at the Falcons’ training facilities.
Atlanta, desperate for offensive talent, brought in Diet Pepsi Machine after he had been cut by the New Orleans Saints at the start of training camp. However, he had contributed little since joining the team, mainly playing on special teams.
Diet Pepsi Machine first burst on the NFL scene in 2005, when the New England Patriots shocked the sports world by taking him late in the first round of the NFL draft. The unconventional move appeared to pay huge dividends immediately, when he caught 14 passes for 809 yards and 14 touchdowns in his first six NFL games as a tight end.
The success of Diet Pepsi Machine in his rookie season caused other teams to try to emulate the Patriot’s success, said NFL draft guru Mel Kiper Jr.
“Of course, none of them were successful,” Kiper said. “There was the Lions using a No. 8 pick on a Snickers Ice Cream bar machine and the Jets taking an old cigarette machine. And I think the league would like to forget the Raiders going to Japan to bring in a machine that appeared to sell cans of beer and used schoolgirls’ underwear as their new starting QB.”
However, Diet Pepsi Machine was plagued by a series of drops that left the Patriots shaken in their confidence in him. ESPN NFL analyst Ron Jaworski said that it was one of the most precipitous falls from grace in recent pro football history.
“Diet Pepsi Machine has always been almost unstoppable once he gets into space – his Yards After Catch is amazing,” Jaworski said. “The problem is simple – his lack of hands. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense, I mean that he literally doesn’t have hands. The only way he can catch a ball is if it is thrown directly into the slot where Diet Pepsis usually come out. Once teams realized this and directed their defenders to expect low passes, even a quarterback as accurate as Tom Brady couldn’t get the ball to him.”
Diet Pepsi Machine’s progress was further stalled by a series of injuries suffered in the 2007 season, including: a ruptured dollar bill acceptor, a broken coin return, and clogged gears caused by leaky soda.
The personal life of Diet Pepsi Machine also caught up to him. While in New England, he was frequently spotted at 24-hour grocery stores and liquor marts the night before game time. Patriots coach Bill Belichik released Diet Pepsi Machine late in the 2006 season after an incident where he reported was seen sneaking massive quantities of rum into his dispenser in the locker room minutes before kick-off.
Diet Pepsi Machine attempted to make a comeback before the start of this season, signing a free agent contract with the New Orleans Saints. However, he only played into exhibition games, leaving the team over a dispute over his role with the team.
“If he would have accepted his role as a fullback, he could have been something special for this team,” said Saints head coach Sean Payton at the time when Machine left the team. “However, he refused to block. Every time we asked him to open a hole for Reggie (Bush), he would claim that the motion from making a block might ‘cause him to overcarbonate’ and explode. We can’t have that on our team.”
Talking to reporters after his release today, Diet Pepsi Machine said that he would attempt to catch on with an Arena Football League team this season, or possibly look for work outside a local Piggly Wiggly.
