Plans for All You Can Eat Section at NASCAR Track Frightening Waste Management Experts

DARLINGTON, SC - The nation's leading waste management experts were alternately "shocked," "frightened" and "appalled" by the announcement today that Darlington Motor Speedway would offer an All You Can Eat food option for fans attending the NASCAR race held at the track on May 10.

Under the new plan - which is modeled on similar successful plans at baseball stadiums such as Dodger Stadium - for $60, adults can receive a ticket for a grandstand seat and unlimited hamburgers, hot dogs, snack items and soft drinks.

John Dickson, a consultant with over 30 years of waste management experience, shuddered at the concept.

"Even under normal circumstances, hundreds of thousands of NASCAR fans place an enormous strain on the infrastructure of not just a track, but an entire city," Dickson said. "Offering fans all the burgers and hot dogs they can eat is just asking for a sewage disaster of epic proportions."

Dickson outlined several catastrophic scenarios from these plans:

With a huge increase in fried, greasy food being consumed, the restrooms at the track could become so full that it is impossible to use them during the race. Dickson: "I would say this is pretty much the best case scenario."
The sheer volume of waste matter going through the toilets could be so massive that it could back up the entire sewage system for the entire Darlington area. Dickson: "Have you ever heard the phrase 'trying to put 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound sack?' This is like trying to put millions of pounds of crap into that sack. You could have a complete breakdown in the sewage system in the area."
The high concentration of human waste could also create a methane cloud that could hover over the track and put the fans and drivers at risk of poisoning. Dickson: "If nothing else, the smell is going to be like a million hobos in a sauna - you'll pray for a cold so that you can't smell."

Dickson also warned that the high volume of food will also be exacerbated by the heavy amount of drinking that takes place at NASCAR races. He warns that this could make the sewage system problem just as bad the next morning, due to a phenomenon known in the waste management industry as "the beer shits."

In a related note, NASCAR announced that the May 10 race at Darlington would be renamed the Andy Gump Port-A-Potty 500.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:19 PM 2 comments  

The Guy from Hermans Head, a Dwarf, and a Bunch of Pissed Off Japanese Tourists

This is only marginally sports-related, but it's so cool that I thought it was worth mentioning. This is from the blog of Ken Levine, who along with being a writer/director/producer for such shows as Cheers, Frasier, MASH, The Simpsons, and about 50 or so others, has also worked as a play-by-play man for the Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres and Baltimore Orioles. In short, he's lived a much, much better, more interesting life than you or I could ever imagine.

This weekend, Levine posted an an "unfortunate" audience story. It involved a show he was directing called Brother's Keeper that starred William Ragsdale (Herman from Herman's Head, a very underrated show) as a father with a son, blah blah blah. Because of child labor laws, they could only use the kid actor for shooting. So for rehearsals, blocking, etc., they relied on a stand-in: a middle-aged dwarf that was about the same size as the kid.

At some point, a Japanese tour group comes in too watch a taping. Remembering that none of them speak English, here is the first thing they see:

Me, making a guy in his 30’s scold a middle-aged dwarf to such a degree that the dwarf breaks down crying and runs from the set.

They were appalled! Outraged! As one, they got up and marched out, glaring at me and calling me things that did not need any translation.

Needless to say I have not been invited to direct any Japanese sitcoms. And I don’t think Billy Ragsdale has had too many offers to appear over there either.

Guessing by their usual game show fare, they probably were offended that Levine didn't force the dwarf to eat some high school girl's panties. Oh, those wacky Japanese.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:05 PM 0 comments