Clippers' Thorton can't believe girlfriend fell for "superstition" line

LOS ANGELES - Clippers forward Al Thorton can't believe that his girlfriend bought the excuse that he hadn't talked to her since the start of the season because of a "superstition" involving the team's 0-6 start, sources told to the team said on Wednesday.

"All week, he had been getting phone messages - here at practice, on his cell phone, even at the hotel on the road," the anonymous source said. "I kept telling him 'Al, that's not good, you better call her.' But he kept insisting that he had a plan. I guess he did."

The source said that he was amazed it worked, especially since it didn't make a lot of sense on the surface.

"I mean, think about it: why would you keep doing something if you keep losing?," said the source. "Wouldn't you do the exact opposite, like call your girlfriend, to try and break your streak? It's like having an unlucky pair of underwear."

Bouyed by Thorton's success, the source said that his teammates were looking to apply the logic to their wives and girlfriends as well, including plans to:

• Not come home at night until they get back above .500
• Pass out drunk at a strip club every night until they get their average above 20 ppg
• Sleep with a different music video model until the Clippers trade for Kobe Bryant

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:30 PM 0 comments  

Royals Outsource 2008 Season to India

KANSAS CITY - In a move believed to be a first in American professional sports, the Kansas City Royals announced today that they would be outsourcing their entire 2008 season to workers based in India. By bringing in a legion of leading cricket batsmen to replace the Royals' current roster, Royals management claim that they can "maintain the level of quality our fans have come to expect from us" at a fraction of the cost.

"At $10 to $15 an hour, we're going to get a lot more bang for our buck," said Royals owner David Glass. "Can you believe that we were actually paying some of these guys millions of dollars, and still only getting 50 wins a season? From a business standpoint, that just didn't make any sense. These cricket players know how to handle...that thing they use to hit cricket balls. We figure that it might be a rough transition period for them to adjust to baseball, but what's the difference between 50 wins and 10 wins, really?"

As part of an accelerated corporate training program referred to by the Royals as "Spring Training", many of the top stars of Indian cricket were trying to adapt to the rules and equipment of American baseball, with varying degrees of success.

"Where are the wickets?," asked veteran cricket batsman Anaad Singh when arriving for the first session. "Why is the bowler standing on that mound of dirt? Why is the boundary so close to where I"m batting from? This is confusing."

Still, despite the initial jitters, Singh and all of his new teammates appear determined to make the best of the situation, for the same reason.

"I make 1,000 rupees a month (roughly $25 US dollars) playing for the Indian national cricket team," Singh said. "With the money the Royals are paying, I can live like a king. Also, I have never heard of a baseball player having his throat sliced open by angry fans after a bad performance."

The newly-christened Dehli Rajahs will play all of their home games in a state-of-the-art stadium built in Delhi's downtown. Reduced costs of employees, along with what the team hopes is curiosity in American baseball, should help pay for the stadium and get the team into a profit situation within six months, which would be a huge turnaround for one of three MLB teams to average less than 20,000 fans a game last season.

"In order to meet our financial goals, we need to average 25,000 people a game," Glass said. "That's roughly one-tenth of one percent of the city's total population, and we think that we can achieve that. Indian people love American sports, and I'm sure that they'll want to come out, eat some Chaat and Pani Puri, and check out their team."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:46 PM 0 comments  

Christ's Hiring of Scott Boras Alarms Rockies Officials

DENVER - God today furthered rampant speculation that Jesus Christ would become a free agent at the end of this baseball season by announcing that He had signed a contract with high-powered agent Scott Boras, who has represented players such as Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito and Carlos Beltran.

Members of the Colorado Rockies front office, where Christ has played played a major part in their improbable run to the World Series this season, responded quickly in an attempt to downplay the situation on the eve of the team's first World Series game. However, sources inside the organization have said that the prospect of losing Christ as a free agent next season is turning into a distraction.

"I can tell you that there's been a lot of nail biting and crossing of rosary beads since we found out about this," said a source inside the organization. "Everyone loves Christ, and everyone here knows what He means to this team. But with Game One approaching, who knows if he's going to be focused on helping us achieve victory, or have His mind already thinking about where He is going to be next season. Christ, what timing..."

The source was then struck by lightening.

For his part, Boras said that his client was very happy with the Rockies, but hinted that he would be open to other offers.

"Look at what some of the big-name free agents have pulled in over the past few years, and compare that to what Christ has done," Boras said. "It's not even close. None of them are all-knowing, omnipotent entities - not even A-Rod. The scary part is that Christ isn't even close to his prime yet - he's only 2007 years old, which is practically a kid in deity standards. By my projections, Christ should lead the league in saves and transfigurations for several hundred years to come."

Sources could not place an exact number on how much Christ would be worth on the open market, but estimates range from "all the balm in Gilead" to "a full and complete devotion to His works on Earth".

"He loves it in Colorado - it's a great place to raise a family, and you know how much He loves winter sports," Boras said. "But I know He sometimes wonders if His message would receive more attention if He played for a large market team."

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has already stated that he would be willing to spend big money to lure Christ to his team.

"There is no bigger venue for His message than Yankee Stadium," Steinbrenner said. "It's a big market that loves big icons, and I can see Christ fitting in right alongside Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio."

Christ was unavailable for comment. He has reportedly spent the time off after the NLCS with his rumored new girlfriend, Alyssa Milano.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:54 PM 0 comments