Philly fans boo World Series trophy for being "gay"

PHILADELPHIA - Moments after their World Series-clinching Game 5 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays, Philadelphia Phillies fans quickly turned from joyous to angry, viciously booing and heckling the Commissioner's Trophy given to the series winner for being "totally gay" and "fucking retarded."


"Nice fucking flags, you piece of shit trophy," screamed Jimmy Gionolli from his seats in the right field bleachers soon after the Commissioner's Trophy was awarded to the Phillies. "Might as well make those rainbow flags on there, you faggot trophy!"

Fans who had been exalting in the city's first professional sports title in 25 years just minutes ago quickly turned their anger to the trophy. Matt Spaniacho, a 35-year-old electrician, took time from leading his section in chants of "Fuck Yourself, Trophy!" to explain his actions.

"I mean, I remember when the 76ers won the NBA title back in '83 - now that was a fucking trophy," he said. "This thing...I mean, just look at this fucking thing. You can't even drink a God damned beer out of it."

Phillies fans' reactions reflect the city's personality, said Temple University clinical pschyology professor Alfred Deacon.

"It's a cliche, but it's true - Philadelphia fans literally don't know how to deal with success," Deacon said. "Much like an abused animal, they have been so used to negativitity that when presented with something positive, they lash out."

Deacon then proceded to overturn a couch in his office and set it on fire while screaming "Fuck yeah, Phillies motherfuckers!"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:33 PM 2 comments  

MLB cancels World Series as neither team wants to lose

ST. PETERSBURG, FL - In a stunning move, the Commissioner's office today announced that the World Series has been canceled at the request of the two participants. At a hastily-called press conference, Commissioner Bud Selig said that he made the move after receiving late-night phone calls from representatives of the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies on the eve of Game 1.

"Both teams made it clear that they after all the excitement of reaching the World Series, losing would be heartbreaking," said Bud Selig. "They asked if we could just skip the World Series, and to my surprise, our broadcast partner Fox agreed immediately."

Rays manager Joe Maddon said that his team was so happy to be there that they really didn't want to play the game.

"Really, nothing could top Game 7 against the Red Sox," Maddon said, referring to his team's dramatic win over the defending World Series champs in the ALCS. "So why bother? If we beat the Phillies, it's not like we beat the Red Sox again. And if we lose, that's just going to hurt the psyche of our young team as we get ready to do what's most important next season - defend our AL East crown."

For his part, Phillies GM Pat Gillick said that the "unique nature" of his hometown team's fans was the No. 1 reason that his team chose to opt out of the World Series. Philadelphia sports fans have not seen their pro teams win a championship in 25 years.

"You know how brutal Philly fans are, and we didn't want to risk getting this close and losing," Gillick said. "Honestly, some of the guys were getting pretty fearful for their safety if he had lost. So we decided it was better to not try at all instead of trying, failing, and getting killed by our fans."

Selig said that the pregame festivities ahead of Game 1 will still take place, including a Navy jet flyover, fireworks show and the National Anthem as sung by the Backstreet Boys. However, after player introductions, both teams will be giving their League Championship rings, and each allowed a turn running around the field with the World Series trophy before leaving the stadium.

"Hey, I feel just sick about having to cancel the World Series," Selig said. "But it's not like we haven't done it before."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:55 PM 0 comments  

Red Sox Nation Smugness Level Classified as "Phil Jackson" After Game 1 Win

WASHINGTON, DC - At a press conference this morning, US Department of Smugness Awareness Director Keith Olbermann declared that the smugness level of Red Sox Nation had been officially raised to "Phil Jackson" after their team's 13-1 rout of the Colorado Rockies in Game 1 of the World Series.

"I want to assure the public that we are monitoring the situation, but make no mistake: this is a high level of smugness," Olbermann said. "We'll be monitoring the situation day-to-day. But then again, aren't we all day-to-day?"

The press conference then ground to a halt for several minutes as Olbermann smirked for the cameras before continuing.

"What we're talking about is some of the highest levels of sports fan arrogance that we've seen in year," Olbermann said. "This isn't just any Phil Jackson level, either - we're talking Phil Jackson in 2002 after winning his second title with the Lakers smug."

Olbermann said that regular citizens should go about their daily lives, but be vigilant and look out for warning signs of advanced smugness amongst Red Sox fans:

- Constant references to how "they" played last night.
- Repeatedly asking strangers how they thought the Rockies pitching staff stood a chance. against the Red Sox's unprecedented offensive onslaught.
- Asking to be referred to by co-workers and friends as "Big Papi".
- Overturning cars "for practice" for the celebration after the series is over.

Olbermann concluded by stating that his department would be monitoring the World Series for further developments. He said that it would be likely that Red Sox Nation's smugness level would be raised to Charlie Weis if the team won the World Series. However, he refused to answer questions relating to rumors that the department would have to create a new, unheard of "Dennis Miller" level if the Red Sox won in a sweep.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:58 AM 2 comments  

Christ's Hiring of Scott Boras Alarms Rockies Officials

DENVER - God today furthered rampant speculation that Jesus Christ would become a free agent at the end of this baseball season by announcing that He had signed a contract with high-powered agent Scott Boras, who has represented players such as Alex Rodriguez, Barry Zito and Carlos Beltran.

Members of the Colorado Rockies front office, where Christ has played played a major part in their improbable run to the World Series this season, responded quickly in an attempt to downplay the situation on the eve of the team's first World Series game. However, sources inside the organization have said that the prospect of losing Christ as a free agent next season is turning into a distraction.

"I can tell you that there's been a lot of nail biting and crossing of rosary beads since we found out about this," said a source inside the organization. "Everyone loves Christ, and everyone here knows what He means to this team. But with Game One approaching, who knows if he's going to be focused on helping us achieve victory, or have His mind already thinking about where He is going to be next season. Christ, what timing..."

The source was then struck by lightening.

For his part, Boras said that his client was very happy with the Rockies, but hinted that he would be open to other offers.

"Look at what some of the big-name free agents have pulled in over the past few years, and compare that to what Christ has done," Boras said. "It's not even close. None of them are all-knowing, omnipotent entities - not even A-Rod. The scary part is that Christ isn't even close to his prime yet - he's only 2007 years old, which is practically a kid in deity standards. By my projections, Christ should lead the league in saves and transfigurations for several hundred years to come."

Sources could not place an exact number on how much Christ would be worth on the open market, but estimates range from "all the balm in Gilead" to "a full and complete devotion to His works on Earth".

"He loves it in Colorado - it's a great place to raise a family, and you know how much He loves winter sports," Boras said. "But I know He sometimes wonders if His message would receive more attention if He played for a large market team."

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has already stated that he would be willing to spend big money to lure Christ to his team.

"There is no bigger venue for His message than Yankee Stadium," Steinbrenner said. "It's a big market that loves big icons, and I can see Christ fitting in right alongside Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio."

Christ was unavailable for comment. He has reportedly spent the time off after the NLCS with his rumored new girlfriend, Alyssa Milano.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:54 PM 0 comments