MLB to require all players to speak English; league to contract to 8 teams

NEW YORK - Following the lead of the LPGA, Major League Baseball announced today that all players must speak English by the start of the 2009 season or be banned from playing. In a related story, it was also announced that due to an expected lack of eligible players, the league would be contracting to eight teams for the 2009 season.

"It's really hampered us that some of our star athletes can't fully participate in marketing baseball here in the U.S. because they don't speak English," said Commissioner Bud Selig at a press conference. "This move addresses that fact. Unfortunately, the only way to address that fact was to eliminate 75 percent of our workforce."

To ensure a high level of play, the Commissioner's Office decided to contract teams rather than calling up the remaining American minor leaguers, lumping together teams from similar geographic regions. Joe Torre, manager of the soon-to-be-called San Angeles Padgers of Anaheim, expressed concern over the plan.

"It doesn't seem fair to be that a kid should have his livelihood taken away just because he can't speak English," Torre said. "I mean, look at Manny Ramirez - just because he grew up in the Dominican and only speaks Spanish, that doesn't mean the fans shouldn't get to see him play."

Torre refused to believe reporters who informed him that Ramirez in fact speaks English and grew up in New York.

Current and former players had differing reactions to the decision. Former Braves closer John Rocker applauded the decision. Meanwhile, Oaklansico Marin-A's star Ichiro Suzuki immediately fired his interpreter, and went on a lengthy tour of radio and TV shows, speaking in eloquent English about ihs feelings on the matter.

Selig said he has hired bilingual lip readers to work with replay officials in New York, and they have permission to indefinitely suspend anyone suspected of speaking a foreign language in the dugout or during a meeting on the mound.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:00 PM 0 comments  

Classic 80's and 90's RBI Baseball moments

I don't think it's any secret the Duke and I have an affinity for all things RBI Baseball. The two of us flew halfway across the country a few years ago to participate in a tournament, so trust me when I say we're far crazier than you.

For the first time since Nolan Ryan and Don Sutton were young pups, the stretch run of Major League Baseball doesn't have an RBI Baseball veteran involved. With the looming incarceration of Roger Clemens and Julio Franco pushing his walker around the basepaths somewhere in Mexico, the big leagues are bereft of men who were once represented on the NES by pixelated, short, fat, white guys.

Now is as good a time as any to remember a simpler time, and take a look back at a few memorable baseball moments from the 80's and 90's...through an RBI Baseball colored lens.

First we have the infamous safe call made by Don Denkinger in the '85 World Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Kansas City Royals:


And if it weren't obvious enough the wrong call was made, here's a closeup:


Staying with the Royals, we have one of my all-time favorite baseball moments, George Brett going ballistic in the Pine Tar Game:


And now some more George Brett goodness (loyal reader Bonny should be pleased,) complete with Morganna and her friends:


Next up is an image we've featured on Your Face is a Sports Blog before, Vince Coleman being swallowed up by the Tarp Monster:


Jose Canseco was recently in the news for getting knocked out, but let's not forget, it wasn't the first time that lump three feet above his ass got drilled:


The Braves unreal run of over a decade of division titles is mercifully over, but back in '91, they were the darlings of baseball, going worst to first and facing the Twins in the World Series. Who can forget fat Kent Hrbek pulling Ron Gant off first base?


Or Kirby Puckett's memorable catch against the plexiglass?


Last but not least, let's all thank our lucky stars for Enrico Palazzo:





-big hugs and sloppy kisses go to Beefmaster, Beejay, the Duke, Teddyballgame, and JerryD, for graciously supplying the images

Posted by McLane at 9:27 AM 2 comments  

How to best spend $9 at Chase Field

I give you, the Big Dogs.

Pretty little maids all in a row

From left to right, here are the gory details:

Chicago Dog: Served Chicago-style with a cucumber and pickle spears, tomato wedges, green relish, mustard, white onion, sport peppers and celery salt.

Wisconsin Dog?: note - this is a new one, and I'm not familiar with it, but it looks to have sauerkraut and fries on it.

Cincinnati Dog: Served with diced onions, jalapeño cheese, spicy chili and green jalapeños.

Arizona Dog: Served with nacho cheese sauce, chorizo sausage, and fresh corn tortilla strips.

Texas Dog: (TOP) Served with cheddar cheese, chopped bacon, signature barbeque sauce and crispy onion rings.

You might be saying to yourself, I ain't payin' no nine dollars for no hot dog, but really, when compared to the $8 paid for a 20oz. beer, a Big Dog is an absolute steal.

It's a whole lot of weenie. So much, a fork and knife are necessary.

Being that it's covered with your choice of unhealthy goodness, it's the most bang for you buck at Chase Field. I can't speak for the Arizona, Cincy, Wisconsin or Chicago dogs, but trust me when I say the Texas Dog is the real deal. Dare I say it shouldn't be messed with?

Drenched with both BBQ and cheese sauce and then topped with bacon (BACON!) and at least four giant onion rings, it's all I could ever ask for and more from an artery clogging casing of various meats.

If you're ever at Chase Field, be sure and make your way over to the Big Dog stand in the main concourse. It'll be the best $9 you'll ever spend at a ball game. You won't regret it.

That part comes later.

Posted by McLane at 9:24 AM 3 comments  

Cynical days

I guess this is a sign of how bitter and cynical I've become as a sports fan: as I'm sitting at home watching Josh Hamilton put on his ferocious display of power last night at the Home Run Derby, my first thought wasn't about what a great bit of personal redemption this was, or even the more primal "Wow, he hits the ball hard." My first gut instinct was this:

"Boy, this is sure going to suck when we find out in two years that he's been using HGH."

Now, keep in mind that I have no reason to suspect that Josh Hamilton has been using performance-enhancing drugs of any kind (other than his past history with drug drugs, I suppose). But, let's face it, it's hard for me to get too excited about this.

Why?

Rick Ankiel. Mark McGwire. Barry Bonds. Floyd Landis. Marion Jones. And on and on.

And that's a shame, but Hamilton does have a great story - for anyone who has had a friend or family member deal with substance abuse (that is to say, basically everyone), it's heartening to see someone come back from the edge, so to speak. And you'd like to think that someone with Hamilton's past would want to make it on his terms, free of any performance-enhancing substances.

But this is what being a sports fan in 2008 is: waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was like me watching USC basketball last season, and just waiting for the phrase "OJ Mayo" and "NCAA investigation" to pop up in a story at some point. It's the perpetual tension in your shoulders because you can never just relax and enjoy what's happening. Unfortunately, this is the legacy of the Mitchell Report and the myriad of steroid scandals.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:11 AM 1 comments  

Statuatory thinking: Ideas for alternative baseball stadium statues

Yesterday the Los Angeles Times ran an interesting story about statues at baseball stadiums (not the kind found on the field, like Miguel Cabrera). The story talked about why statues are a perfect match to commemorate great players, and listed screw-ups real (only the Cubs would have a typo on their statue) and not (yes, Babe Ruth was a lefty, and yes the statue in Baltimore shows him with a righty catcher's mitt, but that is actually historically accurate - catcher's mitts were all righty at that time).

A sidebar story talked about the fact that there are no statues at Dodger Stadium, and the possibility that one or more might be added. They spoke with Howard Cole of BaseballSavvy.com site, who has been pushing for a statue of Sandy Koufax to go up at Dodger Stadium for years. And while I have nothing but respect for Sandy Koufax, he somehow isn't "iconic" enough for me. Because more than anything else, a statue should symbolize something - it is the physical embodiment of what you think of when you think of someone or something.

So I started to ask myself what the perfect statue would be to represent the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium. If I just closed my eyes and thought "Los Angeles Dodgers", what immediate associations did I have.

A few ideas came to mind:

• Steve Garvey surrounded by children - dozens and dozens of children
• A fan in a Raiders hat and Dodgers jersey pouring beer on a 6 year-old wearing a Giants hat
• Jackie Robinson in Heaven, watching Al Campanis on God's TV and weeping
• Fred Claire giving Pedro Martinez a handshake and a plane ticket to Montreal

But the one thing that symbolized the Dodgers, more than anything else, would be this: Tommy Lasorda, naked except for a towel barely covering his sweaty midsection, at the post-game buffet filling his plate with mounds of linguini while screaming profanities at the clubhouse boys. It's a mental image I picked up while reading John Feinstein's "Play Ball" several years ago, and no amount of therapy has been able to scrub it from my memory. (Perhaps a more accurate statue would have two sides - one with Lasorda smiling and hugging kids, while the other had him foaming at the mouth about Dave Kingman - but I disgress.)

The whole exercise got me thinking about what statues should be outside of other stadiums. Not even Rodan's "Thinker", Michaelangelo's "David" or John Heisman's "Trophy" will have the power to move people that these monuments will have:

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Although it would be relevant to recognize today's fans with a statue of a family holding a map of Los Angeles with a look of great confusion while trying to find Angels Stadium, nothing symbolizes the majority of the team's history more eloquently than a bronze statue of Donnie Moore holding a shotgun.

St. Louis Cardinals: Although a giant bottle of andro would be a perfect symbol for the Mark McGwire era, and a bust of Tony Larussa's bleary, drunken eyes from his mug shot would have quiet dignity, nothing would be more appropriate than a statue of the Cardinal's greatest base stealer, Vince Coleman. Of course, in order to ensure that no rusting or other damage would occur from rain, the statue would need to be mangled under a tarp at all times. (Note: I really like the idea of all toilets having a statue of Joaquin Andujar behind them smashing it to bits with a baseball bat, but this might not be doable.)

Baltimore Orioles: My first thought was to have Tony Tarasco frozen in time, pointing up to Jeffrey Maier and appealing to Richie Phillips for the interference call that never came, a more fitting tribute to the "Spend a Lot, Win Little" Orioles is the Eternal Money Flame, a giant dollar sign similar to an Olympic torch, except that it is perpetually fed by $100 bills.

Boston Red Sox: A statue of Wade Boggs passed out in a plane seat covered in dozens of empty beer cans and fried chicken legs is a great visual. And nothing would summarize the prickly nature of the greatest player ever to wear a Red Sox jersey than an action statue of Ted Williams clocking a reporter. But to my mind, the choice has to be of Curt Schilling, meticulously applying a paint brush to his sock before Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS. After all, the team's name is "The Red Sox" and it's also Schilling's only chance to be immortalized in such a way - it's not like he's getting a bust at Cooperstown. Plus, you could probably save on upkeep as he would almost certainly be there to polish and clean the statue every day to make sure it received maximum attention.

New York Yankees: They have enough statues, thanks. But if we have to create a new one for them, let it be Billy Martin snapping his own pitcher's (Ed Whitson) arm in a bar fight.

Toronto Blue Jays: I haven't worked out how you would make a statue of that couple "enjoying themselves carnally" in the hotel room in centerfield at the SkyDome with the windows open during a game (some sort of diorama?). So the choice here is former manager Tim Johnson, carrying three of his fallen comrades on his back to safety while single-handedly killing a dozen Viet Cong during his heroic tour of duty that he did in his mind.

Chicago White Sox: This is a tough one: a bunch of hippies blowing up Donna Summer records, or Ozzie Guillen strangling Jay Marrioti? Let's go a different route and celebrate something amazing - the game the White Sox played in shorts. Nothing says "immortal tribute" like Jim Spencer in short shorts, exposing his marble-white thighs while stretching for a ball a first.

Cleveland Indians: This really should be a series of statues paying tribute to Albert Belle placed throughout the stadium. Scenes include: him driving a car and running over trick-or treaters (placed in the parking lot); him heaving a ball into the chest of a heckler (located in foul territory in left) and his teammates retrieving and him glaring at a reporter with murderous hate (placed in the locker room).

Tampa Bay Rays: Simply put - Rocco Baldelli being wheeled into an MRI machine.

Detroit Tigers: I like the idea of a statue of Denny McLain arm in arm with several Italian "made men". However, I love the idea of a statue in the stands featuring Ty Cobb wailing away on a guy with no arms.

Kansas City Royals: Again, I'm torn - George Brett foaming at the mouth when flying out of the dugout during The Pine Tar Incident, or George Brett on the crapper with a tube of Preparation H in his hand? You can't go wrong either way, although I also insist on a statue of Bob Hamelin leaving the stadium in his uniform at the main exitway.

Oakland Athletics: Another easy one - Jose Canseco sticking a needle into Mark McGwire's ass while Tony Larussa looks off in the distance.

Seattle Mariners: I would go with the Mariner Moose writhing on the ground in rollerblades clutching his broken ankle, but I hate to honor mascots. Instead, let's honor a real American hero - let's have a statue of Jay Buhner vomiting on command.

Florida Marlins: A touching scene of Moises Alou, Kevin Brown and Gary Sheffield on an auction block going to the highest bidder.

New York Mets: A tribute to the 1986 World Series winners, featuring Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden playfully skiing down a mountain of blow.

Philadelphia Phillies: The Lenny Dykstra Commemorative Tobacco Juice Spit Fountain.

Chicago Cubs: Having an image of Moises Alou screaming and pointing at a dopey-looking Steve Bartman just seems mean. Instead, it's time to honor a legend: Harry Carey shirtless and face down in a pool of his own vomit, clutching a Bud in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Time to immortalize the defining moment in a legendary pitcher's career: Randy Johnson plunking a wayward dove with a fastball, causing it to explode in an orgy of feathers.

Colorado Rockies: The new team is great, but let's not forget the legends who built the franchise. I'd like to see a lifesize statue of Vinny Castilla (Note: the immense size and weight of this statue would require massive reinforcement of the concrete below in order to avoid the statue falling into a massive sinkhole from which only Brendan Fraser can escape.)

Pittsburgh Pirates: It would be fitting but almost impossible to depict Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla glumly cleaning out their lockers after another playoff loss. Instead, put up a statue of Jason Kendall running a stride after first base on his ankle with the sole of his foot staring up at him. (Note: vomit bags should be made available.)

San Diego Padres: You could have Tony Gwynn getting his 3,000th hit in a Segway because he's too fat to actually get to first, but I actually don't think that's historically accurate. Instead, it's time to honor the team's lone NL MVP - Ken Caminitti "heroically" fighting off "flu-like symptoms" by coming to bat with an IV in his arm, a beer can attached to straws on his helmet and all manner of needles still in his butt.

San Francisco Giants: Yes, a lifesize bust of Barry Bonds would be great. But in order to make that fit in the stadium, you'd have to remove the giant mitt in center field, or drain McCovey's Cove. But I think all Giants fans would agree that honoring the greatest moment in the team's rivalry with the Dodgers would be perfect: an animatronic version of Juan Marichal cracking a bat over Johnny Roseboro's head, over and over.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 AM 3 comments  

Maple bats must destroy all humans

As referenced on this site recently, maple bats have replaced global warming, terrorism and human-created black holes as the No. 1 threat to humanity. This past Friday was just another example, as Rockies SS Troy Tulowitzki had a bat shatter in his hand during a game against the Marlins, causing a gash on his right hand that required 16 stitches and landed him on the disabled list.

Of course, this didn't happen during an at-bat but after Tulowitzki smashed it into the ground after being lifted for a pinch-hitter. As Sports by Brooks points out, it's not Tulowitzki's fault. Plus, the bat totally had it coming: you should have seen how it was dressed.

The big thing to keep in mind is that the maple bats have progressed from on-the-field attacks to the dugout. What's next? All I know is that someone needs to go back ASAP and make sure there weren't any maple bats lurking around Darryl Kile's hotel room. Someone get the chick from "Cold Case" on this.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:25 PM 0 comments  

MLB responds to rash of broken bat injuries by switching to maple balls

NEW YORK - Commissioner Bud Selig today announced that as a result of a string of injuries resulting from shattered bats made from maple culminating in an injury to a plate umpire at yesterday's Royals/Rockies game, MLB will be switching to maple baseball effective immediately.

"Based on recent events, we wanted to react quickly to ensure the safety of our players and umpire," said Selig. "However, because of the collective bargaining agreement with the Players' Union, we cannot ban maple bats, so we've decided to do the next best thing."

Selig said that despite MLB having done no testing, he believed switching to maple balls would solve the problem.

"I mean, obviously these maple bats are breaking because they aren't as strong and sturdy as the baseballs they are hitting," said Selig. "The answer, then, is to make sure that what the bat is striking has the same basic density as the bat itself. If we make the balls out of maple, we accomplish that."

Selig said he had asked Rawlings to immediately switch production from the traditional leather, twine and cork baseballs to the new, all-wood models. According to Selig, Rawlings has told him that they would only be able to accomplish this so quickly by using a production plant in India.

"Rawlings has told be that they would be able to start sending me the new "Cricket" line of baseballs almost immediately," said Selig. "I don't know how they were able to have these ready to go so quickly, but thank God that they did."

Players were mixed in their reaction to the announcement. The vast majority of pitchers were "shocked and appalled" at the decision.

"These balls, they're like 1/3rd of the weight of a real baseball," said reigning Cy Young MVP Jake Peavy, "and they don't have seams on them. How the hell am I supposed to do anything but lob a meatball over the plate that's going to get hit 600 feet with this thing?"

Not all pitchers were as negative. Former Cy Young winner Barry Zito said that the new ball would "even" the playing field between himself and other pitchers with "stuff", "location" and "velocity".

If this failed to fix the problem, Selig said, MLB has already contacted Wiffle Inc. as a Plan B.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:41 AM 1 comments  

Lester no-hitter leaves little room for snark

I didn't post about Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester's no-hitter from last night for a very good reason: what else can I say? (And also in response to the smug tone of Boston sports fans that is symbolized by Dan Shaughnessy's column linked above. And an embarrassment of riches? Wow, your basketball was taken to seven games in both series against far weaker teams, and your football team fell flat on its face at the doorstep of history. Note to all Boston sports fans who wonder why everyone else is getting to hate them: this is why.)

But back to the topic at hand - less than two years ago, we was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphomia. And now - he's been the winning pitcher in a World Series clinching game and he's thrown a no-hitter to boot. Throw in the fact that he's by all accounts a great kid, and it's a story that not even the most venal and snarky blogger could ruin.
















But man, aren't Boston fans a bunch of assholes?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:14 PM 1 comments  

Uecker Stalker Redeemed

Ignore what is I'm sure an intense game of ping-pong taking place center stage in the photo. Ping pong is for suckers. Why play ping pong when you can play beer pong?

Instead, feast your eyes on the tall drink of awesome on the right side of the picture sporting the super tight trunks and silvery tuft of chest hair. It's the one and only Bob Uecker.

If this picture doesn't put a stirring in the loins of the ladies of retirement communities nationwide, I don't know what will.

Also, I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

yes, Uecker had a crazy stalker. Pic from this week's Sports Illustrated.

Posted by McLane at 2:12 PM 1 comments  

A celebration of drunken jerkwads at the LA Coliseum

In case you missed it, this past Saturday night was the big exhibition game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Boston Red Sox at the LA Coliseum. And yes, it was a gimmick, mainly to pad the Dodgers' attendance statistics for the season, but it worked - there was probably more buzz around town for this game than any Dodger game since the 1988 World Series. I chose not to go, for this simple reason:

(Asshole Dodger fans + Asshole Red Sox fans) * a ton of alcohol = a miserable experience

Seriously, I know people who were getting there at 8 a.m. to start tailgating. This is for a game that started at 7 p.m. I've done my share of tailgating there before USC games, but even for me, starting things out a solid 11 hours before the first pitch seems excessive.

Needless to say, I was basically right, if the stories I've heard from friends who did go to the game are any indication. I'll pass along one story relayed to me by a friend who witnessed this whole encounter while standing in (a huge) line waiting to use the urinals:

Drunk Red Sox fan is rambling on and on to anyone within ear shot about World Series rings, Boston sports, and their general superiority to sports from any other city - especially Los Angeles. So, your basic Boston sports fan. Directly behind him in line is a gentleman who is about 6'5", 250 pounds, wearing a Dodgers hat, Raiders jersey and a mean scowl. The Red Sox fan turns to him and says (in the middle of a rant about how Red Sox fans are so awesome that they turn any road game into a home game): "Thanks for coming out to our stadium toni-"

The last part was a bit clipped, on account of the Dodger fan leaning back and cold-cocking the Red Sox fan before he could finish the sentence. He fell, out cold, onto the ground, as his three friends took one look at the hulk brute who just decked their buddy and turned away, their eyes as big as saucers.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of that. I don't advocate violence of any kind, and it's exactly that kind of fan that makes me not want to bring my daughter to sporting events in Los Angeles anymore (especially USC games - thanks for your "support", Raider fans, but we'd rather you found something else to do). But at the same time...if anyone ever "has it coming to them", it's a loudmouth Red Sox fan.

Also of note: if you saw any of the game, you saw that they had a giant net instead of a "Green Monster" type fence in LF, since it was about 220 feet down the LF line. Which would have been fine, except that apparently in batting practice, they didn't have the net tight enough. So, several people apparently got beaned with line drives from about 200 feet away, because the net gave so much that the ball hit them anyway.

Good time, indeed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:08 AM 3 comments  

Ken Griffey Jr. Carefully Bubble-Wrapped, Hermitically Sealed Before Start of Season

SARASOTA, FL - A team of Cincinnati Reds personnel, assisted by antiquities professors and experts from the Smithsonian Institute, began preparing injury-prone Cincinnati Reds slugger Ken Griffey Jr. for shipment back to Cincinnati for the start of the regular season on April 1.

The time-intensive procedure involves several days of wrapping Griffey in specially-designed wraps, originally used for transporting relics and mummies from ancient Egyptian archaeological sites to labs for DNA testing. This process can take up to three days, team officials said.

"We have to take special care with his extremities," said Reds special assistant trainer Stephen Mandelbaum, a professor of archeology at Columbia University. "The points where his limbs attach to his torso bear a lot of weight, and you can get a lot of stress fractures in that area."

Mandelbaum explained that the procedure is similar to creating a custom mold for Griffey to rest in while being transported that can cushion him from any potentially destructive jostling. The mold has to be remade every season, Mandelbaum explained, to account for any additional weight or casts that Griffey has picked up in the off-season.

Through careful shipping and handling, Mandelbaum said the team hopes that Griffey can play in at least 130 games this season. The Reds added Mandelbaum and other leading academics last season as a response to what is commonly known as the Griffey Shipping Fiasco of 2006, when junior team staffers, left to handle the assignment, forgot to poke breathing holes in the crate Griffey was being shipped in and forgot to mark it at fragile. Griffey suffered slight oxygen deprivation and several other minor injuries, causing him to miss three-quarters of the season.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:28 AM 1 comments  

Tito Will NOT Be Denied Tentacle Play

Apparently Major League Baseball tried to pull a fast one on the Red Sox organization this week. Something about coaches and trainers not getting paid some extra dough for flying over the Pacific to play the A's in Japan.

Being the stand-up, do-gooders they are, the Red Sox threatened to simply not get on the plane unless Bud Selig got his checkbook out and took care of the staff. As of now, all is well.

Why these guys are getting an additional $40k on top of the dough they already get paid, I have no idea. The good news is they're now being "fairly" compensated for simply doing their jobs and will have the opportunity to really drink in all Japan has to offer.

$40,000 is a lot of bukakke.

Posted by McLane at 12:16 PM 1 comments  

Royals Outsource 2008 Season to India

KANSAS CITY - In a move believed to be a first in American professional sports, the Kansas City Royals announced today that they would be outsourcing their entire 2008 season to workers based in India. By bringing in a legion of leading cricket batsmen to replace the Royals' current roster, Royals management claim that they can "maintain the level of quality our fans have come to expect from us" at a fraction of the cost.

"At $10 to $15 an hour, we're going to get a lot more bang for our buck," said Royals owner David Glass. "Can you believe that we were actually paying some of these guys millions of dollars, and still only getting 50 wins a season? From a business standpoint, that just didn't make any sense. These cricket players know how to handle...that thing they use to hit cricket balls. We figure that it might be a rough transition period for them to adjust to baseball, but what's the difference between 50 wins and 10 wins, really?"

As part of an accelerated corporate training program referred to by the Royals as "Spring Training", many of the top stars of Indian cricket were trying to adapt to the rules and equipment of American baseball, with varying degrees of success.

"Where are the wickets?," asked veteran cricket batsman Anaad Singh when arriving for the first session. "Why is the bowler standing on that mound of dirt? Why is the boundary so close to where I"m batting from? This is confusing."

Still, despite the initial jitters, Singh and all of his new teammates appear determined to make the best of the situation, for the same reason.

"I make 1,000 rupees a month (roughly $25 US dollars) playing for the Indian national cricket team," Singh said. "With the money the Royals are paying, I can live like a king. Also, I have never heard of a baseball player having his throat sliced open by angry fans after a bad performance."

The newly-christened Dehli Rajahs will play all of their home games in a state-of-the-art stadium built in Delhi's downtown. Reduced costs of employees, along with what the team hopes is curiosity in American baseball, should help pay for the stadium and get the team into a profit situation within six months, which would be a huge turnaround for one of three MLB teams to average less than 20,000 fans a game last season.

"In order to meet our financial goals, we need to average 25,000 people a game," Glass said. "That's roughly one-tenth of one percent of the city's total population, and we think that we can achieve that. Indian people love American sports, and I'm sure that they'll want to come out, eat some Chaat and Pani Puri, and check out their team."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:46 PM 0 comments  

Report: Santana Traded to the Mets

According to USA Today's Bob Nightengale, the New York Mets have acquired two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana from the Minnesota Twins in exchange for four minor-league prospects. On the surface, the deal seems OK for the Twins: the four players (pitchers Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey and outfielder Carlos Gomez) are four of the Mets' top seven prospects, according to Baseball America.

But here's the weird part - not part of the deal was Fernando Martinez, the Mets' No. 1 prospect in their farm system - he's listed by Baseball America as their leading prospect on the team at hitting for power and average. It's baffling to me that - when trading away arguably the best pitcher in baseball, that you wouldn't get the other team's No. 1 prospect as part of the package. Especially since it was rumored that adding Martinez to the trade was crucial for the Twins to make the deal with the Mets.

The Twins had earlier set today as the deadline for offers from interested teams. Unless you believe the rumors echoed by The Twins Geek, that Santana imposed the deadline himself. No matter what, it certainly didn't help the Twins get the best deal possible. Needless to say, the fans commenting at Twinkie Town have been less than unanimous in their support.

So, we'll see. Martinez could flame out (he struggled in his call up to Double-A last season, but he is very young) and Gomez could be a future Hall of Famer. But it's hard to look at that trade without thinking there is a lot more celebration in the Mets' offices today than in the Twins'

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:42 PM 1 comments  

The All-Mitchell Report Teams

Since the release of The Mitchell Report earlier today, several stories have mentioned that you could "create an All-Star team from the names on the list". Usually, that's a lot of hyperbole, but with some 80 names on the list, I decided to give it a shot. In doing the research, I found that you could create not just one but two RBI Baseball style rosters based on the names released today: one for Current Players and one for Former Players. And they'd be pretty decent, too - at least in their primes (you know, before the mysterious, complete drop-off in production and serious of nagging injuries).

CURRENT PLAYERS

C Paul LoDuca
1B Jason Giambi
2B Brian Roberts
SS Miguel Tejada
3B Troy Glaus
OF Gary Sheffield
OF Barry Bonds
OF Gary Matthews Jr.
DH Jack Cust
BENCH Jose Guillen
BENCH Greg Zaun
BENCH Jerry Hairston
BENCH Jay Gibbons
SP Roger Clemens
SP Andy Pettitte
RP Mike Stanton
RP Eric Gagne

Comments: Going by performance at their peak, this is a frightening group. The bench is a little weak, but I'd be surprised if you subbed anyone out if this was an RBI Baseball team - even for the 64-point power increase (video game steroids?). For some reason I was as surprised and disappointed to see Mike Stanton on the list - I didn't think that "crafty lefties" needed steroids to throw off-speed junk for one inning a night.

FORMER PLAYERS

C Benito Santiago
1B Mo Vaughn
2B Fernando Vina
SS Chuck Knobloch
3B Ken Caminiti
OF Lenny Dykstra
OF Jose Canseco
OF David Justice
DH Rafael Palmeiro
BENCH Matt Williams
BENCH Todd Hundley
BENCH Hal Morris
BENCH Rondell White
SP Kevin Brown
SP Denny Neagle
RP Kent Mercker
RP John Rocker

Comments: There were a couple of tough calls here. Todd Hundley, for about a two-year stretch, had a peak greater than Benito Santiago's (in fact, about as good as any catcher ever - big shock). But I decided that Benny gets the nod, based on longevity and also his Edward James Olmos-like skin (give the guy a break). I also had a tough time at 3B - Matt Williams had some great years, but Ken Caminiti was a former MVP. And is dead. It's tough to argue that. This is also a very solid team, but the relief staff is a mess - I guess quality relievers didn't understand the value of steroids and the quick recovery time associated with them until recently.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:59 PM 2 comments  

The Mitchell Report Afterglow: Is This It?

Now that I've had a few hours to digest everything, here's my thought on The Mitchell Report:

Meh.

I think that Tim Kawakami of the San Jose Mercury News hit it right on the head: this was just enough juicy meat (Roger Clemens! Andy Pettitte! Miguel Tejada!) to keep the media satisfied, without actually addressing any of the big picture problems or assigning real blame (or consequences) for transgressions in the past all the way up the baseball food chain.

Mitchell's expressed belief that MLB should not punish people named in the report for past actions? Sound similar to Mark McGwire's "I'm not here to talk about the past, I'm here to focus on the positives in baseball" disaster in front of Congress? Probably not, because George Mitchell is a skilled politician and public speaker, used to saying a lot without saying much at all. Mark McGwire, on the other hand, is a lunkhead.

(Of course, Mitchell left the door open for punishing players if their actions were particularly offensive and therefore punishing them was, as the Commissioner would see fit, "in the best interests of baseball". More on this loophole in a second.)

So if we're not going to punish people based on the report, what's the point of naming names? If the idea is to catalog what happened merely as a way to develop plans moving forward, why are there 80 people who have been publicly linked to steroid and other substances, when referring to them as Player X would have served the same purpose?

Because the public and the media don't want that - we all want fresh meat. We've picked apart Barry Bonds' carcass to the point that all we have left is marrow. We're sick of talking about him, but who else could we publicly call a user and a cheat? A few journeymen and average players? Not good enough. The public needed a few new "faces" of the steroid era who could receive a show trial and be summarily hung out to dry.

And the proof: the meat of the report? Anyone looking for smoking guns should look elsewhere. There are some exceptions where there is pretty convincing, hard physical evidence linking someone to steroid purchases (it amazes me that athletes - or anyone - would purchase something illegal and shady with a check that has their name right on it. Can't they find a way to pull out cash from the bank? They might as well just put "For: HGH supplies" in the Memo section of the check.)

But for the big two - Clemens and Pettitte - as well as a majority of the players mentioned? A lot of hearsay and unsubstantiated testimony from witnesses/accusers with less-than-perfect reputations. In what should be a surprise to no one, Clemens' lawyer has already released a statement on behalf of his client, saying that Clemens:

...vehemently denies allegations in the Mitchell report that he used performance-enhancing steroids, and is outraged that his name is included in the report based on the uncorroborated allegations of a troubled man threatened with federal criminal prosecution.

And this is going to be the pattern you see time after time in the next few days: athlete expresses anger/sadness/disappointment that his name was released with this report based on baseless/unfounded/uncorroborated charges leveled by someone with a vendetta/a known criminal/a desperate former teammate facing a lifetime ban. And it will be hard to really argue, even if you know they are lying: most of these allegations wouldn't hold up in a criminal or civil court. Hell, the majority are so flimsy that a newspaper editor wouldn't run a story based just on them if the reporting was done by their writers.

But because "it's in The Mitchell Report", it's all going to be reported by every media outlet, with little context or additional reporting happening. The sad part is that there are nuggets of new information in the report, mainly about how team officials routinely either a) turned a blind eye or b) acknowledged steroid allegations or use when scouting players for potential trades. But interestingly, The Mitchell Report doesn't index each team or baseball front office executive is implicated in the report like it does for the players, so you probably won't be hearing as much about this.

(But, in order to drive home the point that Bud Selig - Mitchell's good friend and "boss" - was doing all he could to stop steroids and investigate wrong-doing despite the despotic and evil players union, the report does contain a letter the Union sent to its players urging them not to talk to the Mitchell Report committee without lawyers. Because the Union would rather direct it's workforce of minimally educated players talk with former Senators and investigators by themselves and "hope for the best!" Yeah, doesn't make sense to me, either.)

So what now? The Big Three - Clemens, Pettitte, Tejada - will be left out in stocks in the town square for the rest of the winter. If they survive, and the public has forgotten about them and moved on to some new sports scandal de jour, then Commissioner Selig will quietly let them go and heed the words of Senator Mitchell to let bygones be bygones. If the public is still baying for blood, however, then suddenly MLB will decide it's "in the best interest of baseball" to make examples of them by giving them lengthy suspensions/banning them from baseball/banning them from the Hall of Fame. Which would be insane, since the all-time HR king is currently awaiting a Federal trial on steroid related charges, with a mountain of evidence that's a lot more solid than what The Big Three have against them. And he's still going to play next season.

So I hope everyone enjoyed things today - the goofy "lists" being passed off as fact beforehand (again, Rich Garces wasn't a giveaway?), the build-up of the press conference followed by Senator NyQuil's insomnia-curing speech, the hours of post-announcement hand-wringing. At the end of the day, we're basically back where we started.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:53 PM 0 comments  

The Mitchell Report list

So remember that Internet list that I linked to earlier today? Turns it is was about 50 percent garbage. The Mitchell Report is out, and here's the actual list of players named.

I'll post more later once I have time to digest things. But let me just say this.

Jack Cust? NOOOO!!!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:00 PM 0 comments  

A-Rod re-signs with the Yankees for $275 million

First the guy has the nerve to announce that he's opting out of his contract during a World Series game. So what does Alex Rodriguez do for an encore? Try to upstage another celebration of baseball in the modern era, otherwise known as "Mitchell Report Day". Just when you were prepared for a full day of rumors, denials, tearful admissions and speculation, A-Rod had to ruin it by signing a 10-year, $275 million contract with the Yankees, assuring that all of this wonderful, glorious steroid talk with be partially overshadowed by something as pointless as baseball-related matters.

What a jerk. No wonder everyone hates him. That, and the aloof, smug attitude. And the choking in the clutch.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:22 AM 1 comments  

T-minus one hour to The Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report is set to get dropped in one hour, and when it does BASEBALL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!! Unless the list mainly contains players that everyone pretty much knew were doing something. There is a preliminary list floating around the Internet right now. I'm not going to post it here, because I refuse to get caught up in idle speculation and rumor-mongering.

However, if you are interested, Deadspin has the list up right now. Needless to say, the inclusion of Rich Garces on the list is making me skeptical. Somehow, unless "El Guapo" saw a pile of piles at Gabe Kapler's locker room and thought they were M&Ms, I doubt he's had a "personal trainer" give him anything to help him with his "workouts".

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:08 AM 2 comments  

Tejada Traded, Mitchell Report Out Tomorrow - Coincidence?

Fact #1: The Orioles trade former MVP Miguel Tejada to the Astros for five marginal players and a giant box of Junior Mints.

Fact #2: Rafael Palmeiro blamed Tejada for his positive steroid test in 2005, causing lots of speculation about how Tejada became a power-hitting shortstop.

Fact #3: The Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball is being released tomorrow, and "big names" are expected to be named.

I'm not suggesting any link between the three facts. Unless, of course, Miguel Tejada's name is on the Mitchell Report list, in which case I did.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:06 PM 0 comments