Handicapabiling Challenge Week 4 Picks

I'm so discombobulated from last night that I don't even want to do these stupid picks. Plus I have to drink a shot of Sriracha this weekend. So I'm going to let McLane intro this week's picks:

McLane:

If I weren't such a stupid homer I'd have gone 5-0 last week. 4-1 and not having to do a shot of Sriracha is a good feeling, but 5-0 would have been unbelievably sweet. I have a feeling this will be a good weekend again. Don't touch me, you'll get burned.

I'm excited for this weekend's slate of games. My only disappointment is that the frauds from my alma mater aren't playing this weekend. I'd love to pick against the Devils. My grandmother can cover a swing pass better than that. She'd at least make some adjustments. Assholes.

The loser this week will need to pay up by eating some potted meat product.

Colorado +5 1/2 at FLORIDA STATE

I understand the 'Noles are the home team here but let's face it. Dan Hawkins' team is better than Bobby Bowden's. I'll take the points and the up and coming program.

Colorado State +26 1/2 at CALIFORNIA

We get to bet against a Pac-10 team favored by nearly four touchdowns? Sign me up.

Fresno State -7 1/2 at UCLA

The Bruins are the gift that keeps on giving this year. I L-O-V-E UCLA

Alabama +7 at GEORGIA

That Nick Saban. He's so hot right now.

PENN STATE -16 vs Illinois

JoePa's Nittany Lions are stupid good this year. Good enough to push Ohio State aside and sneak into the BCS Championship.'

The Duke:

I'm really not thrilled about that Sriracha burning through me this weekend. I'm also not thrilled that I think there are some shenanigans going on with McLane's payoff from his Week 2 loss.

AUBURN -7 vs. Tennessee

I'm still doubtful at asking Auburn to score seven points during any game this season, but Tennessee is as terrible as their coach is fat. Big Phil needs another nail in his coffin, and Auburn's going to give it to him.

GEORGIA -7 vs. Alabama

I keep getting burned by betting against Alabama, but the law of averages says it's going to work at some point. And Knowshon Moreno sure as hell can help tip that law of averages in your favor.

Wisconsin -6 at MICHIGAN

The Badgers went to Fresno State and took out the Bulldogs. You mean to tell me that they can't take care of the Wolverines on the road? I know comparative reasoning sucks, but Fresno has to be a tougher place to win at than Michigan right now, right?

Purdue +1 at NOTRE DAME

I get to pick against Notre Dame, and I get a point? Let me take out a second mortgage on this one.

New Mexico -3 at NEW MEXICO STATE

I know that anything can happen in a rivalry game - I was in Albuquerque for this game once, and the streets were wild. Well, wild for Albuquerque, meaning not very wild at all. The Lobos roll - plus, NMSU head coach Hal Mumme is a dirty, cheating coach who can't even be all that successful.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:53 PM 0 comments  

2008 Handicapabling Challenge: Week 4

We're a week behind in doling out the punishment in the 2008 Handicapabling Challenge. That is to say, McLane needs to eat his cesos taco. So what do we do this week? How about the loser drinking a nice, full shot of Siracha hot sauce? What better way to wash down some tasty brains, right McLane?

Now, on to the Week 4 picks...

MCLANE:

Ohio +12 vs NORTHWESTERN

Seems like a hell of a lot of points. Right? Who's with me? Anyone?

Arizona -3 vs UCLA

UCLA reached a new low last week. Tuitama won't pass for 19 touchdown or whatever it was the kid (or should I say man? He's probably 42) from BYU threw for last week, but the Wildcats will come away with a win by a couple of touchdowns.

LSU -3 vs AUBURN

Final score prediction: 8-2.

Florida -7 vs TENNESSEE

The Fatty Philip Fulmer Farewell Tour continues. Urban Meyer OWNS that fat tub of goo.

ARIZONA STATE +7 vs Georgia

The Devils gave new definition to the term crap the bed last week against UNLV but it may have been the best thing that could have happened going into this game. Erickson will have his team prepared, Tempe will be rocking, and Rudy Carpenter won't suck quite as much as he usually does.

Who am I kidding? It's a homer pick, through and through.

THE DUKE:

Central Michigan +10.5 @ PURDUE

LeFevour Power, baby! A moderately high profile Big 10 team is due to get knocked out by a MAC team this season. It's going to happen here.

ARKANSAS +9 vs. Alabama

I sense a very, very low scoring game. Not quite an Auburn game, but enough that nine points is an awful lot to ask Alabama to cover on the road.

UCLA +3 vs. Arizona

UCLA is a better home team against the spread the last few seasons than you would think. And Arizona is god awful on the road under Mike Stoops. Just the type of game the Bruins win to get their fans worked up before another crushing loss.

Georgia -7 @ ARIZONA STATE

Yeah McLane, that's a homer pick. This line is way off - it should be at least a double digit spread. If this was a day game in the usual Arizona 150 degree heat, maybe the Sun Devils would have a chance.

TOLEDO +7 vs. Fresno State

After being their BCS dreams get busted against Wisconsin, do you think the Bulldogs are excited about going on the road to take on the Rockets? The start of another long, painful slide for a Pat Hill team after almost knocking off a big ticket school.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM 0 comments  

Handicapabiling Challenge: McLane drinks an egg

091108_2044[00] [High quality and size]
by fightonusc

For the record, I would have thrown up before the egg even touched my lips. McLane is a much stronger man than I am.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:07 AM 1 comments  

Handicapabiling Challenge Week 3 Picks

Well, we're each 1-1. McLane had to drink a raw egg last night. I have video of it that I'll post later today. It's outstanding.

So what's at stake this week? Loser has to eat a sesos taco. We're talking about a cow brain taco here. Not only is it gross, but the loser is running the real possibility of getting mad cow disease. Good times!

As usual, McLane's picks first, followed by mine:

* * *
McLane

Navy +1-1/2 at DUKE

Duke may have gained a coach who knows what the hell he is doing (at least sort of,) but the Midshipmen will still take care of business with not the double, but the TRIPLE (run for the hills!) option.

Iowa State +14-1/2 vs Iowa

The Hawkeyes are good at two things: getting arrested and losing to Chizik's Cyclones. As usual, they'll have more talent this year, but Kirk Ferentz has completely lost it and his team doesn't stand a chance of covering.

East Carolina -13 at TULANE

I got off the Pirate bandwagon last week and it cost me dearly. Never again. Bless me Skip Holtz, for I have sinned. I'm hopping right back on and hoping their defense does the same thing to the Green Wave that it did to Pat White and Noel Devine, eg/ie/fuck you: embarrassment.

Georgia -7-1/2 at SOUTH CAROLINA

Steve Spurrier is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo.

ARIZONA STATE -23 vs UNLV

Grandmama, the Plastic Man and Greg Anthony can suit up for the Runnin' Rebs' and it won't be enough to compete with the Devils and their complete and utter douchebag quarterback, Rudy Carpenter. I hate you, Rudy. I hate you.

***
The Duke

Kansas +3.5 at SOUTH FLORIDA

I have little to now faith that South Florida is anything other than a one-season fluke. Plus, there's a very real chance that Mark Mangino might eat Jim Leavitt before the game. Because he's fat.

MARYLAND +14.5 vs. California

A bit of a reach here. Yeah, I know that Maryland stinks. But Cal has a history of going on the road and falling apart against non-conference opponents. Plus, they can't possibly score 66 points again, right?

BYU -7.5 vs. UCLA

If it wasn't for the fact that a) BYU was the beneficiary of one of the worst decisions in PAC-10 officiating history (and that's saying a lot) and a lot of people think they should have lost that game, and b) UCLA was the beneficiary of one of the worst collapses in Tennesse football history (again, that's saying a lot), this spread would be at least two touchdowns. And if BYU is going to seemingly play five or six PAC-10 teams a year, why not just go ahead and make them a conference member?

Wisconsin -2.5 at FRESNO STATE

I know the Bulldogs. I've seen the Bulldogs. And I know that this is exactly the type of game where they come out and lay a giant egg on national TV. When expectations are highest, they perform the worst. If people thought that they had no chance against the Badgers, they'd probably win by 20. But since this is such a trendy "upset" pick that it's not really an upset anymore, they'll fall apart.

Ohio State (+11.5) at USC

Do I think that the Buckeyes are going to win this game? Absolutely not. But even with Beanie Wells "out" (using the biggest air quotes I can muster), will Ohio State make this competitive. Absolultely. Good teams have bad weeks, which is exactly what the Buckeyes had against Ohio last week. Meanwhile, I've learned nothing from USC's drubbing of Virginia other than how lousy Virginia is.

This will be a game until the fourth quarter, when USC scored a late TD to ice it.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:00 AM 1 comments  

Handicapabiling Challenge Week 1: Tequila Stuntman

I lost badly in the Handicapabiling Challenge in Week 1, so this is the price I have to pay.



God damn, do I hate you, McLane...have fun drinking that raw egg, though.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:34 PM 2 comments  

2008 Handicapabiling Challenge: Week 2 Picks

Yes, I went 1-4 last week while McLane went 4-1. Which means that I'm on the hook for a "Stuntman" tequila shot. And no, I haven't done it yet. The long answer is that I've been sick for most of the week with a sinus infection, and I didn't think that anything involving snorting salt would be a great idea. The shorter, more accurate answer, is that I'm a giant wimp.

But I am a wimp of my word, and now that I'm feeling better, it will happen (and video will be posted) this weekend. As for Week 2, the side bet: loser drinks a whole raw egg, Rocky-style.

First, the reigning champ's picks:

ARIZONA -23 vs. Toledo

Wildcats vs Mudhens. I'll take the one with the big ol' fangs and sharp claws that likes to score 70 points on teams traveling across the country.

ARIZONA STATE -14 vs. Stanford

Trap game my ass. The Devils have been impressive at home since Erickson took over, and hotshot Harbaugh will be their next victim. Besides, the Cardinals only play well on the road when in Los Angeles. Whoops...

West Virginia -7 1/2 vs. EAST CAROLINA

Skip Holtz is the toast of the proverbial town at the moment, and while his team is certainly up and coming, West Virginia has too many weapons for them to handle. Pat White...he's good.

California -13 1/2 vs WASHINGTON STATE

Christ, I'm picking all favorites and now two of them are on the road. While the only thing the Cougars are good at is getting arrested, I have a feeling this week is not going to end well for me.

Houston +16 vs OKLAHOMA STATE

The 40-year old man's defense is suspect. Houston won't be winning this one but they'll at least make T. Boone Pickens's ass twitch.

And now for The Duke:

Louisiana Tech +20.5 vs KANSAS

I'm more impressed with Lousiana Tech beating a bowl team last week (Mississippi St.) than I am with Kansas blowing out a God-awful team (Florida Atlantic). Don't sleep on the Bulldogs! Plus, I'm guess Mark Mangino spent most of the week in a meat-related coma after eating about 100 kajillion pounds of hot dogs, hamburgers, and gristle from the grill and countless barbeques over Labor Day weekend, so I suspect the Jayhawks won't be as prepared as usual.

California -13.5 vs. WASHINGTON STATE

Cal can't play defense worth a lick, but at least they can score a bunch of points, which is more than I can say for Washington State this season. The Golden Bears aren't as great as their fans think they are, but the Cougars are the worst team in the conference, and there is no way they can score enough points to make this interesting. If this game was at Pullman in November, I'd feel differently.

GEORGIA -23.5 vs. Central Michigan

The Bulldogs fell out of the No. 1 spot last week because they only won their opening game by 24. Do you think they are going to settle for anything less than crushing their next opponent by 50 or more? I feel sorry for the poor Chippewas.

Texas A&M -2.5 vs. NEW MEXICO

Yes, I'm betting on a team that just lost to Arkansas St. At home. And that is coached by Mike Sherman. But New Mexico also looked lousy against TCU. And Texas A&M needs this game...badly. I just don't see them laying a total egg two weeks in a row.

Texas Tech -10.5 vs. NEVADA

Yes, the Wolf Pack are a pretty impressive team, and one of the few squads that could probably trade points with the Red Raiders and survive. But this spread is all wrong to me. Mike Leach is going to be pissed that Tech "only" scored 49 last week against Eastern Washington, and be out for blood (and to pad some individual stats). What I really want to do is take the over on this one: the line is set at 66, but I think 100 would be a more realistic benchmark.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:11 PM 0 comments  

2008 Handicapabling Challenge Week 1

Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.

But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.

So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.

First, my picks:

- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas

I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.

- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon

That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.

- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers

Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.

- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA

I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.

- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama

I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.

And now, presenting the picks for McLane:

I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.

God bless college football.

- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech

I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.

-Alabama +4 1/2 @ Clemson

Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.

This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.

-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA

Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.

-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.

This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.

The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM 1 comments  

Handicapabling Challenge: Rivalry Week

It's rivalry week, and for a USC alum like me living in Los Angeles, it means experiencing a tradition unlike any other. No other big time college football rivalry has two schools with campuses so close together. Families, offices, and friendships should all be put on hold for a week of barbs, taunts and zings.

At least that's how it should be. But for me, that never happens. No one at my office graduated from UCLA. Only a couple of people even watch football at all: one guy is from Texas, and the other is from Serbia or Crotia or some random Slavic country that didn't exist before the 1990s. Somehow, I don't think he's a Bruin either. I don't know anyone who graduated from UCLA well at all. A couple of friends from high school I talk to once or twice a year, maybe.

And I'm not seeing any support from the Bruin fans this year. No people wearing school colors, bumper stickers, or those flags you suction cup to your car. I suspect that they sort of know that last year was as good as it is going to get for a while, and that in about two weeks, the football team will be looking for a new full-time head coach while some assistant is leading them as interim coach at the Zircon.com Aluminum Bowl or some nonsense.

Plus, it's raining today pretty hard (by LA standards), so therefore LA is about as deserted as Random City X in Random Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Film. It's weird.

Anyway, on to the picks. I didn't make any last week, since I was in a strange land without the Internet (my sister's place near Fresno). Let's see if I can make up for lost time and somehow drop seven or eight picks when only making five. (For the record, I am 6-9 for the season. I will avoid making any juvenile jokes pertaining to a frankly overrated sexual act. I think you know I'm better than that.)

(Also, ball farts. Tee-hee.)

Fresno St. (-13) @ New Mexico St.: Fresno St. is a terrible, terrible team against the spread under Pat Hill - they are 7-18 in their past 25 games. This is a good indication of why a lot of people back in Fresno are unhappy with Coach Hill and have been for years: they always play to the level of their opponents, and never put away bad teams.

Now, I don't think NMSU is a very good team at all. But they are 4-2 at home this year, while the Bulldogs are just 2-3. Now that Fresno St. has a chance to go to a decent bowl game (probably the Hawaii Bowl) with a win, this is a perfect chance for them to screw that up with a loss and get demoted to some podunk bowl in the Midwest in mid-December. Bring gloves, kids!

The pick: New Mexico St. (+13)

UCLA @ USC (-20): The thought of laying 20 points with a team quarterbacked by John David Booty makes my skin crawl. However, the thought of UCLA being able to score any points on USC is also pretty daunting at this point. But looking outside, it is wet, and it's going to be wet tomorrow afternoon. And the Coliseum field is already pretty torn up from recent soccer games. The bottom line? It's going to be a slog, much like the USC/Cal game a few weeks ago. USC wins, but not by 20.

The pick: UCLA (+20)

(Note: That said, I'd gladly be wrong on this and have USC win by 100, just so the rare UCLA fan who has chirped up with "13-9" this week can go back to Pauly Pavilion and stay for the next nine months.)

Army vs. Navy (-14): As a true patriot, I refuse to say that one team or the other is going to win - picking against the Army or Navy is tantamount to picking against America. I predict that in defiance of the NCAA and their "overtime rules", this game is declared a tie, and both teams turn their attention to kicking some terrorist butt! Which I guess means Army will cover. (That and the fact that Navy are only 3-7 in their last 10 games against the spread, because they can't stop anyone enough to cover any spread.)

The pick: Army

Big 12 Title Game - Oklahoma (-3) vs. Missouri: It's very hard to beat a good team twice in one season. Especially when that team has the motivation of playing for a national title, and they are playing the return game with their leading rusher (who didn't play the first time). Plus, Oklahoma is turning into a lousy cover team (2-6 in their last eight ATS), and I'm beginning to have zero confidence in Bob Stoops' coaching abilities in big games. In fact, I've started to refer to a shot of a coach on the sidelines after his team makes a big, dumb play (where he has a look that's a combination of anger, disgust and confusion) as "The Bob Stoops Face".

The pick: Missouri (+3)

New York Jets @ Miami (-1): So wait...a team that is 0-11, and just lost perhaps the ugliest football game in history, (and is coming off of a short week because of said game, which is never good) is a favorite against anyone? I know the Jets are bad, but they aren't...Dolphins bad. This is a team on a date with their own brand of perfection - don't try to throw a game away to them - they'll find a way to lose. They always do.

The pick: New York Jets (+1)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:10 PM 0 comments  

I am the Mendoza Line

2-3 on my picks this week - 5-5 on the season. Of course, I had no idea that just being .500 would be good for such a commanding lead after two weeks. Maybe fknmclane should let me decide which games to predict next week.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:00 PM 0 comments  

The Handicapable Challenge, Week 2: Part II

OK, so I have to keep the momentum up after going 3-2 last week. It's not a lot of momentum, mind you. Glacial, even. But like I said earlier, a winning week is a winning week.

NCAA:

Wisconsin @ Ohio St. (-15.5): Wow. I know that this is a "different" Ohio State team, and that Tressel Ball is dead, and that this is a dynamic, explosive offense and hey, didn't you see how good they looked against Penn St. last week? Maybe I'm stubborn, but I seem to remember that this is the same team that struggled mightily against Michigan St. AT HOME two games ago. And that there is always at least one game each season where OSU manages to make an easy win way too difficult.

I don't think Wisconsin is all that great, but they are better than Penn St., and again, Ohio St. having to give that many points against a Top 20 team? It's Ohio (yawn) St.!

Pick: Wisconsin (+15.5)

San Jose St. @ Boise St. (-25.5): Now, usually I would have no problem laying 25.5 with Boise St. at home. But a few things to consider here:

Boise St. is coming off of a really big road win against Fresno St. last week
Ian Johnson may not play again this week, and if he does I'm sure he won't be 100 percent.
Even though Boise St. has won the last three years, each game has been a lot closer than you think it would be.

This is a game where I know the team I'm betting on won't win, but I feel very good that they can keep it close.

Pick: San Jose St. (+25.5)

Cincinnati @ South Florida (-4.5): The home team has won the last four meetings pretty comfortably. South Florida still hasn't lost at home. And Cincinnati has a negative turnover margin in conference games and in October. Not good against a South Florida team that thrives on ball control and capitalizing on mistakes.

Pick: South Florida (-4.5)

NFL:

Denver @ Detroit (-3): Thanks to Jon Kitna deciding to poke fun at a Lions' assistant coach getting drunk and driving naked through a drive-through last year, this is a "week of adversity" for the team. Normally, I'd say that for a Cinderalla team like Detroit that has no business being 5-2, any adversity would be enough to push them towards collapse. I mean, they are the Lions.

But two things are at play here: a) I don't think this is a controversy at all within the team, and if anything it might create one of those "us against the World" scenarios millionaire athletes feed on (re: New England Patriots) and b) they are playing the Broncos, who about as close to a "can't miss" prospect to not cover as we have in the NFL. They are 1-6 Against the Spread (ATS) this year and 6-18 in their last 24 games overall. Basically, Vegas (or the betting public) hasn't caught up yet to the fact that these aren't the same Broncos teams of even a couple of seasons ago. Mike Shanahan's magic is gone - teams have figured out "the system" and it turns out that you sometimes do need more talent at running back than just plugging in rejects and 5th round draft picks.

Until Vegas figures this out, keep riding the anti-Orange Crush.

Pick: Detroit (-3)

New England @ Indianapolis (+5.5): So the defending Super Bowl champions, who are: a) undefeated, b) look better defensively than last year, c) have beaten two straight division rivals with winning records on the road, d) have maybe the best QB ever and e) oh yeah, are at home, are almost a touchdown underdog in any game?

Excuse me for a minute; my eyes just bugged out of my head like Roger Rabbit.

You know which teams are usually underdogs by that much at home? The Raiders. The Bils. The Cardinals. The Vikings. In other words, the worst of the worst, not the defending champions who have been steamrolling everyone in their own right.

Look, for all of New England's offensive fireworks so far this season, Bill Belachick does not want to get into a shootout against Peyton Manning - it's as simple as that. And Tony Dungy is not going to let the Patriots fire away downfield all game. The Colts are going to force New England to run - maybe they can and maybe they can't, but they aren't going to put up 40 points that way. New England might win, but we all know it's coming down to the end of the game.

Pick: Indianapolis (+5.5)

Bonus pick: Arizona St. gets drilled by Oregon harder that a wildcatter in an unclaimed spot of Texas land. Oregon 34, Arizona St. 13.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:51 PM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 2

Let me introduce you to someone you'll be getting to know quite a bit at Your Face is a Sports Blog: my good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane. As I mentioned earlier, we're going to be going head-to-head in the Handicapabling Challenge to see which of us is "better" at picking football games. (I'm putting quotes around "better" because I fully expect a .500 record to be way in the lead by the end of the year.) There are a few things you should know about fknmclane:

• He is possible the angriest man I've ever met. He's like a bitter, 70 year-old trapped in the body of a man half his age. (Which is even more sad because he's younger than that).
• He is kind of a retard. It did take him something like seven years to graduate college. From Arizona State. Also, he once got his Ford Tempo caught in a flash flood in Phoenix and ruined it. (It's hard to ruin a Tempo, BTW). Which all explains why he chose to pick the same games I did even though our rules clearly stated that he could choose any five games that he wanted.
• His wife is a saint. See the above two items for proof.

So, welcome fknmclane into your hearts, your homes and your lives as he makes his picks for the Handicapabling Challenge:

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3):

As my esteemed colleague the Duke so eloquently put it, the Tech offense is terrible. In fact, I'd describe it as "the suck." Admittedly, I base this off of just a couple of games, especially their opener and national ball-gargling "healing" holiday against East Carolina, but I know I'm right. So fuck you. And besides, as long as Frank Beamer's jaw looks fucked up, his team will be returning INT's and punts for touchdowns.

I should probably give some thoughts about BC since they are after all playing in this game. Well, they suck as well and they're overrated. So there you go. They suck harder than Tech (27-14 over Notre Dame? fucking pussies...a good high school team could beat the hapless Irish at this point) and they're playing on the road, therefore, they can kiss their top ten BCS ranking goodbye.

fknmclane's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): I hate USC. I really do. I hate their fucking guts and I hope they lose out from here.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this game will be the start of their losing tailspin as they stagger through the remainder of their Pac-10 schedule. And I truly, honestly say that without factoring in my hatred for the "Men of Troy."

A few points to make:

• To quote a drunken, 40-year old female from Heber, Arizona with a giant ass and a habit of biting necks that I once had the pleasure of meeting and seeing molest my best friend, Mark Sanchez "IS NOT READY FOR THIS!" It's just his third game starting and going into Eugene is not going to be a cakewalk. He can rock the Mexican flag wristband, headband, jockstrap and it isn't going to help him. A diaper might be of service though.
• Dennis Dixon is REALLY FUCKING GOOD. Pete Carroll is known for his defensive scheming and khaki pants but that brain under his disheveled mop will be no match for Dixon and Oregon's spread.
• To piggyback my previous point about Dixon being REALLY FUCKING GOOD...the team he quarterbacks is also REALLY FUCKING GOOD. If not for their retard wide receiver stretching the football across the goalline to be easily knocked away against Cal, they'd be #1 in the BCS right now. And they still might end up being said #1
• USC has looked average at best at times and a stomping of Notre Dame has done nothing to change my mind.
• I need a muzzle

fknmclane's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): Bottom of the barrel Pac teams. Never good times, anything can happen with these stupid games. Here goes:

Mike Stoops vs. Tyrone Willingham, kidney stones vs. stoicism
PICK - Willingam's stone-faced grill

shitty team on the road vs. shitty team at home
PICK - have you ever been to Tucson? Seattle is like fucking Mars compared to Tucson, the Wildcats will be too busy trying to figure out the space needle to focus on even picking up a first down

Concussed Willie Tuitama vs. Savior Locker
PICK - fuck the "savior" of Husky football, he's a douche. But still better than Willie Tuitama who has ran for his life for three years straight now.

fknmclane's pick: Washington (-3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Holy fuck, I hate this game. Are the Broncos the team that got f'd in the a by the Chargers or the one that beat an unsuspecting and unprepared Steelers team last week? Looks like Tomlin is back to the drawing board after that one, huh Steelers fans? And by back to the drawing board I mean getting his baby fro trimmed ever so perfectly and stealing Big Ben's fruit cocktail.

The only way Green Bay wins this game is if Javon Walker's knee magically heals overnight and he slaps on his old jersey and goes on to torch the stupid Broncos. Unfortunately for the Packers they have no running game, they're on the road, and they've won with smoke and mirrors.

fknmclane's pick: Denver (-3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): I'm not what you would call "pleased" with the Duke for making this one of our picks this week. It involves two unlikable teams and it's being played in London.

9.5 is a lot of points but the Dolphins have been kidnapped by a transsexual former kicker known as "The Mule" who likes to dig his/her "gun" into the hip of pet detectives hot on the trail and who knows a thing or two about buckling under the pressure.

They suck and suck hard. Really hard. You know all that crap about the Patriots going 16-0? Well, the Dolphins could easily end up 0-16. As an aside, am I the only one that thinks Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have pulled a train on Thomas' sister, aka Mrs Jason Taylor? I bet they have. There's no way Thomas gives his sister away to Taylor without some kind of benefit.

Strahan and Unemamamlogmeiakkemdare are going to eat Cleo Lemon alive and Eli Manning will do just enough for a three touchdown win.

Also, fuck Ronnie Brown and his ACL.

* if you think this is the last Ace Ventura reference you'll see when I'm discussing a Dolphins game, you couldn't be any more incorrect Mr Poopypants.

fknmclane's pick: New York (-9.5)

PS - See above for exhibit A on why the Duke will stomp me in picks. Who the fuck goes with the favorite in every game?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:56 PM 0 comments  

The Handicapabling Challenge, Week 1, Part 1

I am great at making sports betting picks. My only problem is that I have no money, and therefore can't place bets myself. Plus, betting is illegal! But, that doesn't mean you can't prosper on my lack of extra spending money. I've decided to make five picks every week on various college and NFL games. My good friend from Dee-Nee.com, fknmclane, is also going to be making five picks a week. We'll keep a running tally and see how does better at the end of the year. Winner gets...something. I'm not really sure what yet. Maybe the loser has to go to the winner's house and make him a home-cooked breakfast with lots of bacon.

Anyway, here's my picks for this week's Handicapabling Challenge (because it's not handicapping - that's offense to the cripples):

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (-3): Virginia Tech's offense stinks, especially trying to throw the football, which means they've pretty much had to lean on their running game. But that plays right into the strength of the Eagles' defense. And I don't expect either Sean Glennon or Tyrod Taylor to single-handedly win any games. But my issue with picking Boston College is this: they've played creampuffs the last month (Army, U Mass, Bowling Green and Notre Dame). I'm not sure how they are going to react to real defensive players who actually hit and give you owies. And I'm really unsure about Boston College's wide receivers (who for all intents and purposes haven't existed this season) against the Hokies' secondary.

I say Matt Ryan get hurried and flustered, throws three picks, including one for a TD. Goodbye national title, and goodbye Heisman. I feel so good about this pick that I'm making it my 10 Star ACC Lock of the Year!

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Virginia Tech (-3)

USC @ Oregon (-3): This is a line that has no correlation to how Vegas thinks the game should turn out. This line is so close just because if USC was as big of a dog as they should be, dopey bettors would place a ton of money on them BECAUSE THEY ARE USC, and Vegas doesn't want that - they want a 50/50 split of bets to ensure they make money. If this was Team A @ Team B, with the same records but without knowing who was who, Oregon would be favored by at least a touchdown. And they should be: anyone who has watched USC in Pete Carroll's tenure knows that his defenses cannot (Vince Young) handle (Vince Young) mobile QBs (Vince Young). Even in games they've won, it's been nothing but headaches.

For the first time in a long time, USC's defense is going to be facing an offense that is just as fast as them if not faster. In order to keep it close, USC is going to need to score a lot of points - at least in the 30s. As much as my Cardinal & Gold heart hates to admit it, I don't have a lot of faith in either John David Booty or Mark Sanchez getting the team there.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Oregon (-2.5)

Arizona @ Washington (-3.5): The underdog is 9-0 against the spread in the last nine games, and the road team is 9-1 in the last 10 overall. That's enough for me, when you combine it with the fact that a) Jake Locker is overhyped and all potential - maybe he'll be amazing in two years, but as of right now he's a flash of greatness and a lot of bad decisions and b) it's time for Ty Willingham to remind everyone of just why he's no longer Notre Dame coach (other than, you know, being black).

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Arizona (+3.5)

Green Bay @ Denver (-3): Remember when there arguably was no better home field advantage than Denver? When opponents basically freaked out about playing at Mile High Stadium so much that they were dead before opening kick-off? Well, I guess moving from Mile High to the shiny new Invesco Honeywell Whatever the Fuck It's Called Stadium didn't work out so well, because Denver is suddenly ass at home. They are 1-3 at home against the spread this season, and 1-9 at home ATS going back to last season.

Call it the Curse of Mile High, or just the rest of the league figuring Mike Shanahan out. Either way, look for Bret Favre to survive 18 interceptions and lead his team to a "gutty" 13-12 victory.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: Green Bay (+3)

New York Giants (-9.5) vs. Miami (game played in London): Wait, this game involves the Giants, yet they decide to make a massive robotic version of a Dolphins player? Jeremy Shockey is going to be so pissed. And by "pissed" I mean in the classic British slang way, i.e. drunk off his ass with a bunch of his new "hooligan" friends the night before the game.

My prediction? The all-new New York Giants Firm (led by Elijah Wood), inspired by Shockey, brawls with the giant Jason Taylor robot before the game. The Dolphins take the opportunity the chaos provides to attempt to replace Cleo Lemon with Dan Marino. However, the Giants will counter by bringing in Diet Pepsi Machine (cut by the Patriots to make cap room for Randy Moss), who scores six touchdowns while Shockey is off stomping someone's head.

The Duke of Kickball's pick: New York (-9.5)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:36 PM 0 comments