Let's whore Morrissey out for every NFL team

As I'm sure you've seen and heard if you've watched more than 10 minutes of a NFL broadcast this season, the NFL Network is using Morrissey's "Everyday Is Like Sunday" as the centerpiece of their new advertising campaign. Apparently, it was only the second most wholly-inappropriate 80s song they could find, but the royalties cost for U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" were just too high. If you haven't seen the commercial yet, here it is:



Which got me thinking: if you're going to use one Morrissey song, why not dip into ihs whole back catalog, including his songs with The Smiths? I have some suggestions that the NFL Network could use to create team-specific commercials for this season:

• Panic - New England Patriots (they might want to change the chorus to "hang Matt Cassel, hang Matt Cassel, hang Matt Cassel")
• The Last of the Famous International Playboys - Arizona Cardinals (lots of shots of Matt Leinart partying with coeds cut with him sitting on the sidelines)
• How Soon Is Now? - For the young, upstart Buffalo Bills
• The Ordinary Boys - Dallas Cowboys
• There's A Place In Hell For Me And My Friends - Detroit Lions
• Bigmouth Strikes Again - Cincinnati Bengals (featuring highlights of Chad Ocho Cinco)
• We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful - Green Bay Packers
• The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get - The suddenly 5-0 Tennessee Titans
• You're The One For Me, Fatty - Philadelphia Eagles, focusing on corpulent head coach Andy Reid
• You Have Killed Me - Kansas City Chiefs, with highlights of Tony Gonzalez walking off the field following defeat after defeat
• This Charming Man - New York Jets
• Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - Seattle Seahawks

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:39 PM 3 comments  

Chris Henry is a Bengal again?

There's nothing better than when a head coach is true to his word. Like when Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis told ESPN that there was no room on his team for players with questionable personal histories, after a rash of arrests, suspensions and general dumbassery by his team. Problem Child No. 1 being WR Chris Henry, who was cut by the team in April after his sixth arrest.

So of course, who did the Bengals sign today to replace injured star WR Ocho Cinco? Yup, Chris Henry.

In related news, the Detroit Lions have hired Mike Williams as their new Strength & Conditioning Coach, and President Bush has named Osama bin-Laden to head The War on Terror. Yeesh,

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:34 PM 0 comments  

Favre ready to send in reinstatement letter as soon as he can find a damned stamp

GULFPORT, MISSISSIPPI - At a hastily-called press conference outside of his home, Brett Favre today announced that he had signed his letter asking the NFL for reinstatement, and that he planned on mailing it in as soon as he could find a stamp.

"I've turned this damned place upside down looking for a stamp, and I ain't got anything," Favre said. "Maybe if you reporters had one, maybe in your wallets or purses, that would be a big help."

Favre said he looked in every place in his house for stamps, as well as the glove compartments of his family cars. Although he was unsuccessful in finding stamps, Favre did find a Super Bowl in his kitchen junk drawer.

"I wonder which one this is?," Favre asked. "I bet it's the one against Atlanta - to tell you the truth, that win didn't mean all that much."

Favre said that he had even gone on the US Postal Service Web site, after his friend Bucky told him that you could buy postage there. However, after 45 minutes, Favre abandoned the attempt.

"It was pretty confusing - you had to feed the envelope into the printer a certain way for it to print the postage on, and I'm no good with that sort of thing," he said. "What if they print up the wrong postage, and it gets sent back to me. It's better if I can just find a stamp."

Hopes had been raised in the Favre household earlier in the morning when a stamp booklet was found in a bedroom dresser drawer. However, those hopes were quickly dashed when it was discovered that the booklet was empty.

Later in the afternoon, ESPN's Chris Mortensen reported that Favre had found a mostly full booklet of 29 cent stamps, but was unsure if using two of those stamps would cause the post office not to deliver it because of "over-postaging it." There were also unconfirmed reports that Favre had attempted to remove a stamp from a received envelope with steam.

Favre said that as a last resort he would go into town to buy a stamp at the post office. However, he was relucant to do so, as this would likely lead to his wife "having me run errands and do a bunch of shopping and stuff. Nag, nag, nag - why do you think I'm so desperate to come back?"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:16 AM 0 comments  

Your 1990 Fantasy Football Preview

A few months ago, I was cruising the Compton Public Library (because that's how I roll), when I purchased a couple of literary gems for 25 cents each from their book sale. I'll get to the second one at another time, but for now I want to take you back to 1990, when fantasy football was scoffed at by most respectable people and left to the hardcore sports nerds. And if you wanted to get information to prepare you for your upcoming fantasy season, there was Internet for you to turn to with their pages of Big Boards, and you sure as shooting couldn't just head down to your local magazine rack to find a half-dozen in-depth preview magazines.

No, you had to track down books written by the early fantasy experts. These men were no Matthew Berry come latelies. These were the Wild West days of fantasy sports prognostication. The people who did devote themselves full-time to these endeavors were rugged individualists, blazing a new trail for lonely, obsessed sports fans everywhere. With nothing but steely determination, a bottle of rye and a stack of statistics the size of the US budget, these men lived rough lives, all in order to bring a very small percentage of the population their fantasy sports news. These were groundbreaking, risk-taking men. Men like...Cliff Charpentier.



Yup. Your "leading" fantasy football expert in 1990 was, in all likelihood, some sort of French-Canadian. As my partner McLane noted, that would explain the New Orleans Saint on the cover - he probably had a requirement to place a Saint on the cover every year, because of the deep, ethnic ties between the Quebecois and the Cajuns. (Alternate 1990 cover boy: Bobby Hebert!) You have every right to be skeptical of any fantasy football guide written by Cliff Charpentier, unless it's a CFL guide. I bet Cliff Charpentier was all over the Montreal Alouettes in 1990.

The first thing you'll notice is the cover boy, the "1989 Fantasy Player of the Year" - Saints RB Dalton Hilliard. Which blew me away - he was the 1989 version of Ladanlian Tomlinson? It seems ludicrous. But looking at his 1989 numbers, and they are pretty amazing: 1,776 total rushing and receiving yards and 18 total touchdowns. That's pretty impressive stuff, especially for someone on the freakin' Saints in 1989.

The back cover promises to answer many burning questions that fantasy players will have heading into the 1990 NFL season, including "Can Hilliard repeat his Saintly 1989 performance?" Allow me to answer that one for you: no. How does 409 total yards and one lousy touchdown strike you. All this for some that the esteemed Mr. Charpentier ranked as the No. 4 RB available in 1990.

Or No. 7, depending on which list you believe. Because way back in 1990 (a time when people still listened to, if you can believe this, cassette tapes!), there wasn't one method of scoring fantasy sports like we have now. Instead, French Charpentier listed rankings for the three most popular methods:

• The Basic Scoring Method: players earn points for how many points they score during a game (six for a TD, three for a field goal, etc.) with no consideration for yardage gained.
• The Performance Point Method: players earn points for yardage gained (one point for 20 yards rushing/receiving or 50 yards passing) with no consideration for points scored.
• The Distance Scoring Method: some sort of Byzantine method of scoring which involves calculating points based on the yardage gained by each player for each scoring play. Even mathematicians at MIT are stumped by this method.

What we use today is a basic combination of the first two methods (the third one clearly having been created by French-Canadians set on secretly introducing the Metric system to unsuspecting NFL fans). Again, it blows my mind that even though it was all the way back in 1990 (when people only had 30 or 35 different cable channels - imagine!) no one had thought to combine the two methods. Or, that at least no one had informed Charpentier if they did. I honestly don't know - I was 14 at the time, and the only fantasy anything I did involved me locking myself in the bathroom with a stolen copy of my brother's Hustler magazines.

So how did the missing Fabulous Rougeau do with his 1990 selections. Let's take a look with the help of hindsight (and Pro Football Reference). I've averaged the rankings he had for the Basic Scoring and Performance Point Methods to get a sense of where he would rank them in today's, modern scoring method.

Top 5 Running Backs:

1. Neal Anderson, Chicago Bears: After having gained 1,051, 1,477 and 1,709 yards over the past three seasons, Charpentier sees this climb "continuing as he remains the Bears' primary offensive weapon." And he had a very good year: 1,562 total yards and 13 TDs, both in the Top 5 in the NFL. Which makes you wonder if the Bears could convince Neal Anderson to come out of retirement - even today he'd be an upgrade over the slabs of meat they have running the ball.
2. Barry Sanders, Detroit Lions: He was the 1989 Fantasy Rookie of the Year, and Charpentier boldy predicted that there was "no lid for his 1990 fantasy potential". No kidding. How about 1784 yards from scrimmage and an NFL-leading 16 touchdowns? Not bad for a second-year player.
   
3. Eric Dickerson, Indianapolis Colts: Charpentier was willing to bet that Dickerson would rebound from the hamstring injury that "limited" him to 1,522 yards and eight touchdowns in 1989. Big mistake. Injuries weren't the problem in 1990 - it was attitude. He and the Colts engaged in a drawn-out, stupid feud that would led to him missing the first seven games and essentially killing his career. 769 yards and four TDs equals Frenchy Fuqua's first major gaffe.
4. Dalton Hilliard, New Orleans Saints: As mentioned earlier, flame out city. Reuben Mays returned healthy in 1990 from the injuries that cost him the previous season, and Dalton HIlliard went back to being a reserve.
5. Christian Okoye, Kansas City Chiefs: The "Nigerian Nightmare" was a nightmare for fantasy owners, with knee injuries limited his production in 1990 to 828 yards and seven TDs, down from 1,492 yards and 12 TDs a year before. This was also the season that Steve Atwater destroyed him on a Monday Night game with a hit that basically made Atwater's reputation as the game's pre-eminent heavy hitter and drove Okoye all the way to whatever the hell that Pirate Master TV show he did a few years ago.

Also of note: The leader in yards from scrimmage in 1990 was Thurman Thomas of the Bills, who also scored 13 TDs. Where did Charpentier rank him? Eighth, right behind Greg Bell and his 151 yards and one TD. Some fantasy owner made that call in the first round to take Bell over Thomas and was royally pissed.

Next time, we'll see how well our French friend did picking the QBs. Hint: Don Majkowski is in the Top 5. This is not a good sign.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:17 PM 1 comments  

NFL is pretty sure Peyton Manning is a Crip

NEW YORK - NFL officials, reviewing past game film for the possible use of gang signs by players, today announced that they are pretty sure that they saw Peyton Manning flash a sign of allegiance to the Kitchen Crips, a powerful gang in South Central Los Angeles, during a game last year against the Cleveland Browns. But at the same time, they conceded that he might have just been signaling for an audible.

"During the third quarter, Manning made a hand motion that is similar to the symbol for the Kitchen Crips," said NFL vice president of security Milt Ahlerich. "Then again, we were watching the game from a CBS tape that was not HD, so it was kind of hard to tell. He might have been telling Dallas Clark to run a hot route. It's kind of hard to say."

Reached at his Indianapolis home, Manning laughed off of suggestion that he was a member of the Kitchen Crips.

"Me, a member of the Crips?" Manning said. "That's crazy - I really have heard everything. No, I'm not a member of the Crips, and I never would be."

Manning proceeded to end the brief interview by stabbing the reporter to death and carving "MS 13" into his chest, a mark of the Mara Salvatrucha gang from Central America.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:30 PM 0 comments  

Quick hits

• I guess Spain can't win at every sporting event: Bulls 18, Spaniards (and assorted tourists) 0
• Oh, it's OK, ex-Viking Darrion Scott wasn't trying to kill his two year-old son by putting a plastic bag over his head - he was just playing "Boogeyman" with him. Surprisingly, the boy's mom did not find this so assuming.
• Remember the Tour de France? Know what's crazy - they're still having it! In fact, it's going on right now - some German guy is leading it or something.
• Serious news alert: Rich Harden traded by the A's with Chad Gaudin to the Cubs for various cans of corn.
  

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:50 PM 0 comments  

Walsh finds Rams Super Bowl tape on table, wonders if he sent porn to NFL by mistake

Former New England Patriots assistant Matt Walsh today found a tape of the Rams' pre-Super Bowl XXXVI walk through on his entertainment stand, leading him to wonder if he accidentally sent a porn tape to the NFL by mistake.

"I remember I had the Super Bowl tape on the entertainment stand, and then I swear I put it in the envelope the next morning," Walsh said. "But then later that night, about 1 a.m., I decided to unwind from all the stress with some, um, 'adult entertainment'. Did I take that tape out of the VCR in put it in the envelope, thinking it was the Super Bowl tape? Fuck."

Walsh spent the majority of the morning going through his adult film collection to see if any frequent films were missing after discovering the Super Bowl tape. He was dismayed to learn that a favorite adult film entitled "Rammed and Jammed 4" could not be located, even after a vigorous search.

"I had a date over the other day, so I did a 'porn sweep' and hid everything I had out," Walsh said. "I checked all of my usual hiding places - under my bed, my spare golf bag, the guitar case I have that doesn't have a guitar - and it wasn't there. Did I see the phrase 'rammed' on the label and get confused? Shit."

Walsh has considered phoning the NFL to let them know about his error, but he's decided to "play it cool and try not to freak out about it." If the NFL does contact him about the porn tape, Walsh plans to claim that it was "an old frat brother playing a joke on him."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was unavailable for comment. League spokesperson Greg Aiello said that Goodell was "pouring over" the tapes Walsh had sent over, a process that might require several days, a locked room and plenty of tissues.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:16 AM 0 comments  

Hold That Elevator!

Going down, right? That's great. I need to cut this day short, gotta get home and take care of some urgent business. This morning has NOT gone as planned.

You see, I had an extra large bran muffin and a tall coffee for breakfast this morning. It seems to have pushed things into high gear, my insides are red-lining at the moment.

The bran/coffee combo doesn't typically have this affect but when coupled with the 17 Cerveza Caguama I threw down last night while alternately feasting on dozens of habanero street tacos and that hooker's crack, my guts are ready to explode.

Oh no. Oh fuck.

A man can only hold off the bubbles and pressure for so long.

I hate that it had to go down like this, here in this packed elevator. I made the terrible mistake of releasing a scout before I walked in and now we're all paying for it. Well, not so much me. I've learned to embrace my special brand of funk. But you poor bastards. You're definitely paying for it. Especially that woman curled in the fetal position in the corner. Is she breathing?

Word to the wise, folks. Don't try and hold your breath, simply breath as you normally would. If you take a deep breath and hold it, the beast will work it's way down and gutrot will then ensue. Trust me, it's pretty potent stuff. My poor wife just about died on our honeymoon.

Can this thing move any faster? World's slowest elevator combined with man helplessly emitting lethal methane while almost shitting his pants is not a good combination. They should build these things with our colons and noses in mind. Man, this is ridiculous.

Is someone's nosehair burning? I'm sorry, I can't help it any longer. Once those first couple escaped, it was all over. Seriously, is she breathing over there?

Just a few more floors to go folks. I know it's unbearable at the moment but is the uncontrollable retching necessary? Let he who has not squeezed a gaseous demon through their keyster cast the first stone!

I need something to help me relax. Sphincter muscles can't take much more. Fading fast. FUCK!

This is the worst day ever. Not only have I ruined everyone's sinuses for life, but these suit pants will never be the same. Thank goodness we've at least reached the ground floor.

Here's my card. Send me your dry-cleaning bills, I'll take care of everything. It's Peirera. Mike Peirera.

I'm sorry. I really am.

Posted by McLane at 1:01 PM 0 comments  

David Boston definitely not flying to New Zealand to buy party pills

TAMPA BAY, FL - Former Pro Bowl wide receiver David Boston said on Friday that his last-minute trip to New Zealand "absolutely, 100 percent no way" had anything to do with the country's upcoming ban on so-called legal "party pills" that have similar side effects to uppers, ecstasy and other recreational drugs that are currently illegal in the US.

Boston, who has had a checkered past with both performance-enhancing and recreational drug use during his playing career, told reporters that his trip was purely sightseeing in nature.

"I mean, I read that story on the Web the other day, but that had nothing to do with this trip," Boston said. "It just reminded me how much I've always wanted to go to New Zealand, so I decided to buy a plane ticket that night for this weekend."

When asked why he booked the trip so soon, Boston replied that he wanted to go now "while the political situation appears to be OK. Man, you never know when things can get crazy in those African countries!"

Boston said that his wife and two children would not be joining him for the trip, in part because he was only going to be in New Zealand less than 24 hours, and in part because he heard that the country was filled with "orcs, Hobbits, giant talking trees and other things that would probably scare the living shit out of my family. But I'm willing to risk it so that I can...umm...see the sights of New Zealand."

Boston stopped the interview with reporters short, saying that he needed to go home and prepare for the trip by "finding out where the pharmacies are in New Zealand" and "deciding which suitcases have the most hidden compartments."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:32 AM 1 comments  

Brett Favre cannot believe Aaron Rodgers is falling for "retirement" prank

GREEN BAY, WI - Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre today expressed amazement to close friends that teammate Aaron Rodgers is falling for his elaborate "retirement" practical joke.

"Every year after the season ends, I get him all wound up, thinking that maybe this year will be the year that he gets to take over," Favre told a group of close friends at a Green Bay TGI Fridays. "I think he was starting to catch on, so I had to amp things up a little bit after this season. But man oh man, is he falling for it hook, line and sinker."

According to Favre, only a small number of people know about his prank, and Green Bay head coach Mike McCarthy is not one of them.

"I feel bad about keeping secrets from Coach, but I just couldn't take the risk of him slipping up and spilling the beans," Favre said. "Plus, he's probably already making his plans for how to run the offense with Aaron, and who his back-up ups are going to be - all the better to sell the plan."

Favre has apparently already worked out how to spring the reveal of the prank on Rodgers. Without going into detail with his friends, he did say that "when I take off my fake mustache and tear-away janitor outfit with my uniform underneath, Aaron is going to lose it. I can't wait to see the look on his face!"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:08 PM 1 comments  

ESPN plans nonstop coverage of The Start of the Aaron Rodgers Era in Green Bay

BRISTOL, CT - ESPN moved into high-gear on Tuesday, planning exclusive wall-to-wall coverage after the announcement of the retirement of the Packers' current quarterback paved the way for the beginning of the Aaron Rodgers Era in Green Bay.

"Over the next 24 hours, ESPN is going to be your go-to source for coverage of this historic moment in NFL history," said Norby Williamson, ESPN Executive Vice President, Studio and Remote Production. "You can pretty much call us Aaron Rodgers Central at this point."

Coverage highlights include: round-the-clock SportsCenters with the latest news about Aaron Rodgers' ascension to the starting QB job in Green Bay; interviews with friends and family reminiscing about Rodgers' childhood in Chico, CA; a SportsNation poll asking if Rodgers is in the Top Five NFL quarterbacks today; and segments comparing Rodgers against other first-round draft picks in an historical context. ESPN Classic is also suspending all scheduling programming today (boxing, poker, American Gladiators) for a 24 hour marathon of Rodgers' greatest games while at Cal, including one that his team actually won.

Time permitting, Williamson said that the network would talk with Brett Favre, the quarterback Rodgers is replacing.

"We've found that ESPN viewers are young and edgy, and care more about 'Who's Now" than old, retiring players," Williamson said. "But, if we have time, we'd like to get this guy's take on if Aaron Rodgers is going to be as good as the best quarterback in Packers history, or if he might even be better than Bart Starr."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:38 AM 1 comments  

In Wacky Mix-Up, Redskins Name Avant-Garde Jazz Artist John Zorn New Head Coach

WASHINGTON, DC - After earlier announcing that they had promoted recently-hired offensive coordinator Jim Zorn to fill their head coaching vacancy, an embarrassed Washington Redskins organization were forced to hire avant-garde jazz musician and composer John Zorn as their head coach after a series of clerical errors.

"Accoring to what our lawyers tell me, we are on the hook to pay John Zorn $3.5 million over the next three years," said Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, "and I'm not a person who is going to let that kind of money go to waste. If we're going to be paying this beatnik that kind of money, we might as well get some value out of it. Plus, we've been looking for a head coach forever, and we were probably going to have to hire a new one next year anyway, so whatever."

Snyder explained that a formal contract was drawn up by the team's legal department, but a smudging of the ink on a handwritten note made the first name appear to read "John." From there, a series of what Snyder called "regrettable missteps and lack of oversight" lead to a contract being delivered to the jazz autumns, known for his forays into hardcore, filmic and klezmer music - mixing traditional jazz and chaotic noise. It is believed that John Zorn signed the contract without reading it, believing it to be another MacArthur Genius Grant.

Jim Zorn will still be retained by the team as offensive coordinator, Snyder said. Jim Zorn said that he has been "pouring over these game pieces to figure out what kind of offense he wants us to run - to be honest, I'm pretty stumped at this point."

When reached for comment, John Zorn held up a series of signs before making loud, atonal and intermittent squawks on his saxophone for several minutes before the reporter eventually hung up the phone.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:34 PM 1 comments  

Indianapolis Announces Super Bowl Bid Slogan

INDIANAPOLIS - Civic leaders today kicked off the city's bid for the 2012 Super Bowl by unveiling the slogan for the campaign in a ceremony outside of the RCA Dome. Leaders hope that "It Can't Be Worse Than Detroit" will drive across the key points they hope to impress upon NFL executives in their bid to host the Super Bowl.

"I mean, after they had the Super Bowl in Detroit in 2006, I guess they're letting any city with an NFL team and a domed stadium host it," said Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard. "This slogan serves as an opportunity to remind owners and NFL executives of where they've had past Super Bowls, and the type of precedent that has set. We might not be the biggest city in the world, but hey, we're not Detroit!"

Ballard pointed out the many attractive qualities of Indianapolis and fun activities visitors could take part in while visiting the city for a Super Bowl. They include:

• Using the cold Indiana winter weather as a chance to explore the high quality of the heaters in the city's many hotels.
• Take in a game featuring one of Indiana's star-studded winter sports teams, such as the Indiana Pacers and...the Indiana Pacers.
• Drive 30 minutes to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and see what an empty race track looks like.
• Visit the Indianapolis Zoo and see examples of local wildlife native to Indiana, including the pig, cow, horse, mule and farm dog.
• Go to the Connor Prairie Museum and experience life on a rural farm in the Pioneer days. Or, visit any farm 10 miles or more outside of Indianapolis and see basically the same thing.
• Explore all of the fine dining and nightlife options Indianapolis has to offer. After this, plan your second day in the city.
• Sit quietly in your hotel room, wondering if Fresno would be more exciting.

Ballard also promised a halftime show by Indiana-native and music legend John Mellencamp, including a special performance of "This is Our Country" that will be "just as fresh and hip" ion 2012 as it is today.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:43 AM 3 comments  

Patriots Downplay Reports That Brady is a Zombie

FOXBOROUGH, MA - As they continued preparations for next week's Super Bowl, The New England Patriots sought to downplay another mystery involving quarterback Tom Brady, dismissing reports that Tom Brady had been turned into a lifeless, blood-thirsty zombie as "highly speculative."

"Right now, there's no reason to suspect that Tom isn't going to be playing next Sunday, so for me this is a non-issue," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick at the Patriots' practice facilities. "This is just like the so-called 'Bootgate' - one picture that appears to show Tom feasting on the still-fresh remains of human, and things just get blown out of proportion."

Speculation on Brady's condition intensified on Sunday, as a battery of scientists, priests and voodoo practitioners filed in and out of the Patriots' training area, which was closed to reporters. Some reporters also noticed large quantities of field mice, rats, gerbils and other small mammals being shipped to the facilities, but Belichick said these were part of "normal game week preparations."

"It's just something we do every week, and certainly not because we're trying to keep Tom satisfied with warm animal meat until we can find a cure," Belichik said. "You media guys just don't pay attention to our preparations until the Super Bowl."

Brady was last spotted in public Saturday morning, after having returned from a short trip in Jamaica with his girlfriend, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to an event raising awareness for the "Help People Who Appear to be Soulless and Have a Taste for Human Flesh, Especially Brains Foundation". Brady was photographed by paparazzi with a large bandage on his neck, which he said came from "an overzealous fan at the event."

Brady himself was mostly silent on the matter, stating only "aaarrr, uggghhh, aarrrrr" while leaving team headquarters, before stopping briefly to eat a stringer from the Associated Press. Witnesses said that Brady did not appear to be limping as he slowly chased down, killed, and devoured the brain and other flesh of the unnamed reporter.

Randy Moss briefly addressed the situation in his locker room following the game, and echoed the comments of his teammates, who said that they unanimously expected Brady to start and perform well against the New York Giants, even if it was just the quarterback's flesh-eating, reanimated corpse.

"You tell me, who would you rather have: a zombie Tom Brady, or Eli Manning," Moss said. "No contest for me. Tom's got that killer instinct anyways, so even if he is a zombie, and I'm not saying he is, this can only help him. I don't think Michael Strahan is going to be wanting to get close enough to sack Tom on Sunday, and that's all I have to say about that."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:24 AM 8 comments  

Eli Manning...Legend in the Making?

So there's this quarterback, right? He's from the South, and he becomes a star in the SEC. There's a lot of hype about him coming out of college, and after a lot of fanfare, he winds up in the Big Apple, where he's expecting to revive a failing team.

Immediately, there are problems: the media is all over him, a lot of his teammates don't like him, and the fans...oh, the fans. Every week there are questions about his ability, his maturity, and, more than anything else, his ability to be a leader of men.

And things aren't going great on the field, either, for the first few seasons. A great performance is followed up by a terrible one. He leads the league in interceptions twice in his first three seasons. Coming into his fourth season, a lot of people have had enough, and even his supporters are starting to question him.

Then, something happens in his fourth season. But not at first - for most of the season, it's the same problems as before. But, somehow, when his team needs big performances late, he gives it to them. Then, the playoffs come and he's brilliant - almost a different quarterback. The two-headed monster at running back is working, and he's the one pulling the strings. There's a confidence in his gaze and his stride that no one has ever seen before. His teammates see this and feed off of it - suddenly, he's their guy, and they'll run through walls for him.

And so he leads his team into the Super Bowl, where he faces unbelievable odds, against a seemingly invincible coach. And you know what? He wins that game, and in doing so becomes a legend.

Who am I talking about? If you said "Eli Manning," go stab yourself in the face with an ice pick. He hasn't led the league in INTs twice - just this season. I'm talking about Broadway Joe himself.

Yes, I'm comparing this guy:























...to this guy:



























...and I'm aware of how insane that seems. But the facts are the facts, and the similarities between Eli Manning as he prepares for the Super Bowl and Joe Namath ahead of Super Bowl III are kind of eerie. Look at their numbers through their first four seasons:

Namath: 55 G, 50.0 Pct., 12,753 YD, 78 TD, 87 INT
E. Manning: 57 G, 54.7 Pct., 11,385 YD, 77 TD, 64 INT

Not to say that this is destiny or anything, but if we're lucky, Eli will be starring in crappy Italian movies within two years, something we all need to see. Or, he could wind up doing an updated version of this commercial, which I'm sure no one wants to see:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:36 PM 5 comments  

A Weekend Recap: Interesting Things That I...OHMYGODELIMANNINGISINTHESUPERBOWL!

You should have seen a lot of updates from me this past weekend, as there was a lot of sports on tap, and despite my being on vacation in Monterey with my family, a lot of sports that I watched. However, you can thank the IT department that administers the "free" WiFi at the Ramada Inn for your lack of updates. When the Internets isn't working on Saturday, and you call the technical support number, and their answer is "uh, I guess we'll trying restarting the server?", you probably are going to be without the wireless Interweb for the rest of the weekend.

So, Let's recap some of the weekend's news stories, in a pithy yet easy-to-digest format:

Let's get the big thing out of the way: Eli Manning is starting the Super Bowl. If you could go back to your past self, say, six weeks ago, and try to explain this to him/her, they would probably shoot you on sight, since clearly you aren't from the future but from Bizarro World.

Perhaps the most bizarre thing out of all of this is that Eli Manning led not one, but two potentially game-winning drives on Sunday, putting the Giants in position to kick the game-winning field goal. And both times the Giants fucked that up, thanks to Lawrence "Norwood" Tynes. AND SOMEHOW THEY STILL WON THE GAME! Albeit, not with a third game-winning drive by Eli - that's just asking too much - but thanks to a dumb throw by Brett Favre.

Which - no surprise - wasn't the only bad throw he made on Sunday. And - no surprise - Joe Buck and Troy Aikman seemed unwilling or just unable to point out. If it wasn't for the fact that RW McQuarters apparently eats a pound of bacon with his bare hands on the sidelines before taking the field (leading to two fumbles), the Giants wouldn't have needed overtime, and it would have been thanks to Brett Favre's poor decisions. (Not to mention the two or three times he threw lame ducks into triple coverage and got away with no being picked off).

Here's the weird part: in the second half, every time Eli Manning went back to pass, you expected something good to happen. Maybe he would get a completion, or a receiver would draw a flag. But you had that same feeling of inevitability that you usually get from his brother, or Tom Brady or...Brett Favre.

How did this happen? Has any QB ever made such huge strides in such a short period of time? It was just midseason that Eli was throwing interceptions like they were butterscotch candies from the Shriners' float at the local parade. Now he's suddenly Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and John Elway all rolled into one.

As for the other championship game: that went about like everyone expected. The Chargers were able to move the ball fairly well, especially considering that their QB was apparently playing while missing an ACL. Which you kind of need. And their star running back still had all of his various ligaments in his knee, but one of them was bruised so he sat out most of the game. Which, in comparison, kind of makes him a giant pussy.

The Pats did what they've done the whole second half of the season: let a lesser team stick around, and just when it gets interesting...drive, touchdown, game out of reach, yawn. I'm actually sitting here thinking to myself, "Wow, they can't do that against the Giants - Eli will burn them if they let him hang around." And my mind was just blown.

And, oh yeah, USC beat UCLA in basketball. Men's basketball. At UCLA. Which, in the face of Eli Manning starting in the Super Bowl, doesn't seem that odd at all.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 2 comments  

Finally! The Feds Got Dana Stubblefield

Folks, our national nightmare is over. The Federal Government finally brought the big hammer down on the BALCO investigation, and in the face of overwhelming evidence, we have a guilty plea. !

What, you didn't think I was talking about Barry Bonds, did you? Get serious - that case is going to be tied up in courts for so long that by the time they get to trial, it will be heard by Judge Dredd. No, I'm talking about former NFL lineman Dana Stubblefield, who today pleaded guilty to one count of lying to federal agents about his use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs during the BALCO investigation, including "The Clear" (who I think is going to be playing the Coachella festival on the second stage this year - great band).

But the punishment is going to be steep - up to five year in prison. Except for the fact "based on sentencing guidelines and other cases, Stubblefield is likely to receive anywhere from no jail time to six months."

This all reminds me that somehow, Dana Stubblefield was the Defensive Player of the Year in 1997. Looking back, isn't that one of the flukiest things ever (or a statement on how little importance to put on the Defensive Player of the Year award)? But if we can't believe in Dana Stubblefield, who can we believe in? Dan Wilkerson? Bryant Young?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:58 PM 0 comments  

Moss Accused of Running up the Score on Unidentified Female

BOSTON - In what critics are calling another example of the New England Patriots' arrogance and lack of respect for their opponents, star wide receiver Randy Moss was accused today of running up the score on an unidentified woman's face.

"All year, the Patriots have refused to back down, even when the game was well out of reach," said Fox NFL analyst Jay Glazer. "Sources tell me that this woman put up as good of a fight as a 110 lb. female could against a 200-plus pound athlete. But clearly, she was overmatched. The respectful thing for Randy Moss to do would be to stop punching her in the face, or at least bring in a back-up WR or even the punter to finish things out. By staying in until the end, not only did Randy Moss risk injury to his valuable hands, but he did something that was the ultimate in disrespect to this woman. Other than, you know, punching her in the face."

For his part, Moss insisted that he had done nothing wrong.

"I'm a professional athlete, and I've always been taught to finish what you start," Moss said. "I'm sure she understands that as well, and would say so if her mouth wasn't so swollen from me punching her in the face."

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick would not comment on Moss' situation, other than to say in his weekly press conference that there's "always room" for improvement in anything a player does, including punching women in the face.

Moss's opponent was unavailable for comment, as she was recovering from having been repeatedly punched in the face by someone twice her size.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:10 PM 0 comments  

Petrino to exit the sinking ship that is the Atlanta Falcons?

Just when you thought that it couldn't get any worse...ESPN is reporting that Falcons first-year head coach Bobby Petrino is going to leave the team to become the next head coach at the University of Arkansas. This comes one day after the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reported that Petrino had told university officials that he was not interested in leaving the Falcons for the Razorbacks.

Of course, question No. 1 is: how much stock should we put into ESPN's "multiple sources" - are these the same sources that Kirk Herbstreit uses? Secondly, this tells you just how bad the Falcons are - Arkansas really isn't much of a step up from the Louisville job Petrino originally left. The last time this happened was when Nick Saban bailed on the Dolphins after last season, and look where Miami is today - starting down the barrel of 0-16.

This is a good hire for Arkansas if they pull it off - Petrino's a proven winner at the college level, although recruiting in Conference USA or the Big East is a far cry from recruiting in the SEC. Still, anything is better than the circus sideshow that the last few seasons under Houston Nutt had become.

Now, someone keep Darren McFadden away from the pit bulls and convince him to come back next season, and you might be on to something!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:20 PM 0 comments  

Diet Pepsi Machine Cut by Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta – Despite being cut by the Atlanta Falcons today, former first-round draft pick and rookie sensation Diet Pepsi Machine vowed that his playing career is not over.

“I still feel like I can contribute to a team that needs a talented playmaker, or a zero calorie alternative to regular soda,” said Machine as he cleaned out his locker at the Falcons’ training facilities.

















Atlanta, desperate for offensive talent, brought in Diet Pepsi Machine after he had been cut by the New Orleans Saints at the start of training camp. However, he had contributed little since joining the team, mainly playing on special teams.

Diet Pepsi Machine first burst on the NFL scene in 2005, when the New England Patriots shocked the sports world by taking him late in the first round of the NFL draft. The unconventional move appeared to pay huge dividends immediately, when he caught 14 passes for 809 yards and 14 touchdowns in his first six NFL games as a tight end.

The success of Diet Pepsi Machine in his rookie season caused other teams to try to emulate the Patriot’s success, said NFL draft guru Mel Kiper Jr.

“Of course, none of them were successful,” Kiper said. “There was the Lions using a No. 8 pick on a Snickers Ice Cream bar machine and the Jets taking an old cigarette machine. And I think the league would like to forget the Raiders going to Japan to bring in a machine that appeared to sell cans of beer and used schoolgirls’ underwear as their new starting QB.”

However, Diet Pepsi Machine was plagued by a series of drops that left the Patriots shaken in their confidence in him. ESPN NFL analyst Ron Jaworski said that it was one of the most precipitous falls from grace in recent pro football history.

“Diet Pepsi Machine has always been almost unstoppable once he gets into space – his Yards After Catch is amazing,” Jaworski said. “The problem is simple – his lack of hands. And I don’t mean that in a figurative sense, I mean that he literally doesn’t have hands. The only way he can catch a ball is if it is thrown directly into the slot where Diet Pepsis usually come out. Once teams realized this and directed their defenders to expect low passes, even a quarterback as accurate as Tom Brady couldn’t get the ball to him.”

Diet Pepsi Machine’s progress was further stalled by a series of injuries suffered in the 2007 season, including: a ruptured dollar bill acceptor, a broken coin return, and clogged gears caused by leaky soda.

The personal life of Diet Pepsi Machine also caught up to him. While in New England, he was frequently spotted at 24-hour grocery stores and liquor marts the night before game time. Patriots coach Bill Belichik released Diet Pepsi Machine late in the 2006 season after an incident where he reported was seen sneaking massive quantities of rum into his dispenser in the locker room minutes before kick-off.

Diet Pepsi Machine attempted to make a comeback before the start of this season, signing a free agent contract with the New Orleans Saints. However, he only played into exhibition games, leaving the team over a dispute over his role with the team.

“If he would have accepted his role as a fullback, he could have been something special for this team,” said Saints head coach Sean Payton at the time when Machine left the team. “However, he refused to block. Every time we asked him to open a hole for Reggie (Bush), he would claim that the motion from making a block might ‘cause him to overcarbonate’ and explode. We can’t have that on our team.”

Talking to reporters after his release today, Diet Pepsi Machine said that he would attempt to catch on with an Arena Football League team this season, or possibly look for work outside a local Piggly Wiggly.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:02 AM 0 comments