DALLAS – In apparent defiance of a week of criticism following a punt hitting the massive HD screen above the field during the first game in his team’s new billion-dollar stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced today that he has installed a crocodile pit along the sidelines of the new Cowboys Stadium.
“People seem to think our new big screen was a problem, so this really ought to get them fired up,” Jones said. “I mean, a punt hitting a screen – who cares. But this turns every play into something potentially incredible.”
Jones said that there are roughly 25 crocodiles in a three-foot wide moat running the length of one of the sidelines. He added that the crocodiles are chained to the moat to ensure they don’t “wander” into the field of play, but he said that he didn’t know why people would otherwise complain.
“I mean, it’s not stopping anyone from doing what they need to do on the field,” Jones said. “The goal of football is to score touchdowns, and you can’t do that from the sidelines. It’s not like we have crocodiles in the end zone – that would just be ridiculous. Plus, we have ropes hanging from the rafters so people can swing over the moat if they need to.”
NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello said that although there was technically nothing in the league’s rulebooks to prohibit a team from having deadly reptiles just off the field of play, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was planning to speak with Jones “sometime before the start of the regular season” to attempt to convince him to remove the crocodiles.
“Frankly, this isn’t a conducive environment for football,” Aiello said. “Plus, we’d be losing at least four or five members of the ‘chain gang’ every Sunday, and we just don’t have to resources to hire that many people at the current time.”
Meanwhile, Jones also announced that sports apparel company Nike had developed a new uniform for the Cowboys. Set to debut during this Saturday’s home preseason game against San Francisco, the uniform covers Cowboys players from head-to-toe in bite-resistant mesh armor, along with providing an extra pocket for “Croc-B-Gone.”
However, Jones said that the new uniform was “unrelated” to the moat installation.
“It’s just something we’ve been thinking about trying,” he said. “Needless to say, we’re hungry for a title and ready to try anything. Then again, we aren’t the only ones who are hungry, as I think the 49ers might find out this weekend.”
