STATE COLLEGE, PA - 81-year-old Joe Paterno, seething after his Nittany Lions were jumped by Texas Tech for the No. 2 spot in this week's BCS rankings, vowed to do everything he can to make sure Coaches' and Harris Poll voters know just how old and feeble he is to gain valuable sympathy votes to move back ahead in the rankings.
"An old man like me, jeez, I'm not going to get too many more chances," Paterno said. "I've got this bum knee and hip, and you know what that usually means for old people - a drastic collapse in health followed by sudden death. But if I knew that were playing for a national championship in January, that might be enough to keep me going."
Sources close to the legendary head coach said that along with playing up the status of his injured leg - which has kept him in the press box for much of this season - Paterno planned on a pattern of activities designed to show voters how frail and aging he is in order to elict enough sympathy for voters to put him in one last National Title game. Paterno's plans include:
- Visibly soiling himself during an interview with Erin Andrews before the team's game against Michigan St.
- Being shown in the press box during the team's game against Iowa being fed by his wife, with oatmeal being smeared all over his face and hair.
- Wondering when they started letting "Negros" play football.
- During all media interviews, addressing the reporter as "Grantland".
- Casting his Coaches' Poll vote for Cumberland.
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