MLB cancels World Series as neither team wants to lose

ST. PETERSBURG, FL - In a stunning move, the Commissioner's office today announced that the World Series has been canceled at the request of the two participants. At a hastily-called press conference, Commissioner Bud Selig said that he made the move after receiving late-night phone calls from representatives of the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies on the eve of Game 1.

"Both teams made it clear that they after all the excitement of reaching the World Series, losing would be heartbreaking," said Bud Selig. "They asked if we could just skip the World Series, and to my surprise, our broadcast partner Fox agreed immediately."

Rays manager Joe Maddon said that his team was so happy to be there that they really didn't want to play the game.

"Really, nothing could top Game 7 against the Red Sox," Maddon said, referring to his team's dramatic win over the defending World Series champs in the ALCS. "So why bother? If we beat the Phillies, it's not like we beat the Red Sox again. And if we lose, that's just going to hurt the psyche of our young team as we get ready to do what's most important next season - defend our AL East crown."

For his part, Phillies GM Pat Gillick said that the "unique nature" of his hometown team's fans was the No. 1 reason that his team chose to opt out of the World Series. Philadelphia sports fans have not seen their pro teams win a championship in 25 years.

"You know how brutal Philly fans are, and we didn't want to risk getting this close and losing," Gillick said. "Honestly, some of the guys were getting pretty fearful for their safety if he had lost. So we decided it was better to not try at all instead of trying, failing, and getting killed by our fans."

Selig said that the pregame festivities ahead of Game 1 will still take place, including a Navy jet flyover, fireworks show and the National Anthem as sung by the Backstreet Boys. However, after player introductions, both teams will be giving their League Championship rings, and each allowed a turn running around the field with the World Series trophy before leaving the stadium.

"Hey, I feel just sick about having to cancel the World Series," Selig said. "But it's not like we haven't done it before."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:55 PM 0 comments  

Red Sox trade Manny to Boston, hope he doesn't catch on

BOSTON - The Red Sox, ending weeks of speculation, traded disgruntled star Manny Ramirez to Boston today, hoping that the eccentric slugger wouldn't catch on that it's the same place.

The plan appeared to be working, as Ramirez told a throng of reporters that he was "very happy" to be heading to Boston, and "glad that the Red Sox granted his wish to leave."

"Like I said yesterday, I love the Red Sox fans but the team doesn't deserve me," Ramirez said as he was cleaning out his locker following the trade announcement. "I'm happy that I'm going somewhere like Boston, where they know how to win and treat players right."

Ramirez then asked reporters what the weather was like in Boston, and if he needed to bring a coat before continuing to remove items from his locker, including: a cactus, a Betamax player, a giant vat of mint jelly and his pet iguana Kaz.

Red Sox team officials informed Ramirez of the trade this morning. He had spent the night at the team offices, having had a sleepover with several friends in a make-shift tent made of old jerseys.

"We really had to sell it to him that he had been traded by the Red Sox to Boston," said an anonymous source in the Red Sox front office. "So we told him how difficult it would be to see him in a uniform other than the Red Sox, but that he was going to a team in Boston that was in the middle of a pennant race and that really needed him to play at 100 percent. He seemed excited about the opportunity, although mainly he kept asking me if he could wear my gorilla suit again. I mean...a gorilla suit."

Officials gave Ramirez a plane ticket that would take him from Logan Airport to Manchester, NH, where he would then be driven in a limo back into Boston. The plane will also stop over in Hartford, CT, "just to make it seem like he went far away."

There has been concern that Ramirez might get suspicious upon seeing the Green Monster upon his "arrival" at Fenway Park, and might start putting two and two together. In response, the Red Sox announced that they will be painting the wall slightly blue-green, and if that fails, telling Ramirez that he's just imagining things.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:40 AM 0 comments  

Lester no-hitter leaves little room for snark

I didn't post about Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester's no-hitter from last night for a very good reason: what else can I say? (And also in response to the smug tone of Boston sports fans that is symbolized by Dan Shaughnessy's column linked above. And an embarrassment of riches? Wow, your basketball was taken to seven games in both series against far weaker teams, and your football team fell flat on its face at the doorstep of history. Note to all Boston sports fans who wonder why everyone else is getting to hate them: this is why.)

But back to the topic at hand - less than two years ago, we was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphomia. And now - he's been the winning pitcher in a World Series clinching game and he's thrown a no-hitter to boot. Throw in the fact that he's by all accounts a great kid, and it's a story that not even the most venal and snarky blogger could ruin.
















But man, aren't Boston fans a bunch of assholes?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:14 PM 1 comments  

A celebration of drunken jerkwads at the LA Coliseum

In case you missed it, this past Saturday night was the big exhibition game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Boston Red Sox at the LA Coliseum. And yes, it was a gimmick, mainly to pad the Dodgers' attendance statistics for the season, but it worked - there was probably more buzz around town for this game than any Dodger game since the 1988 World Series. I chose not to go, for this simple reason:

(Asshole Dodger fans + Asshole Red Sox fans) * a ton of alcohol = a miserable experience

Seriously, I know people who were getting there at 8 a.m. to start tailgating. This is for a game that started at 7 p.m. I've done my share of tailgating there before USC games, but even for me, starting things out a solid 11 hours before the first pitch seems excessive.

Needless to say, I was basically right, if the stories I've heard from friends who did go to the game are any indication. I'll pass along one story relayed to me by a friend who witnessed this whole encounter while standing in (a huge) line waiting to use the urinals:

Drunk Red Sox fan is rambling on and on to anyone within ear shot about World Series rings, Boston sports, and their general superiority to sports from any other city - especially Los Angeles. So, your basic Boston sports fan. Directly behind him in line is a gentleman who is about 6'5", 250 pounds, wearing a Dodgers hat, Raiders jersey and a mean scowl. The Red Sox fan turns to him and says (in the middle of a rant about how Red Sox fans are so awesome that they turn any road game into a home game): "Thanks for coming out to our stadium toni-"

The last part was a bit clipped, on account of the Dodger fan leaning back and cold-cocking the Red Sox fan before he could finish the sentence. He fell, out cold, onto the ground, as his three friends took one look at the hulk brute who just decked their buddy and turned away, their eyes as big as saucers.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of that. I don't advocate violence of any kind, and it's exactly that kind of fan that makes me not want to bring my daughter to sporting events in Los Angeles anymore (especially USC games - thanks for your "support", Raider fans, but we'd rather you found something else to do). But at the same time...if anyone ever "has it coming to them", it's a loudmouth Red Sox fan.

Also of note: if you saw any of the game, you saw that they had a giant net instead of a "Green Monster" type fence in LF, since it was about 220 feet down the LF line. Which would have been fine, except that apparently in batting practice, they didn't have the net tight enough. So, several people apparently got beaned with line drives from about 200 feet away, because the net gave so much that the ball hit them anyway.

Good time, indeed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:08 AM 3 comments  

Tito Will NOT Be Denied Tentacle Play

Apparently Major League Baseball tried to pull a fast one on the Red Sox organization this week. Something about coaches and trainers not getting paid some extra dough for flying over the Pacific to play the A's in Japan.

Being the stand-up, do-gooders they are, the Red Sox threatened to simply not get on the plane unless Bud Selig got his checkbook out and took care of the staff. As of now, all is well.

Why these guys are getting an additional $40k on top of the dough they already get paid, I have no idea. The good news is they're now being "fairly" compensated for simply doing their jobs and will have the opportunity to really drink in all Japan has to offer.

$40,000 is a lot of bukakke.

Posted by McLane at 12:16 PM 1 comments  

Red Sox Respond to Yankees, Sign Robin Williams

BOSTON - The Boston Red Sox today announced that Oscar winner Robin Williams will play in an exhibition game for the team later this month. The move is seen as a response to the New York Yankees announcement that Billy Crystal will also suit up and join the Yankees in an upcoming exhibition game, and an attempt to close the gap in moderately funny comedians from the 1980s whose career have fallen on hard times.

"The Yankees might have an Oscar host, but we have an Oscar winner," said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. "Plus, what has Billy Crystal done in the past 10 years? While he's been busy chasing the Clippers around the country, Robin Williams has been starring in hit movies such as Man of the Year, RV and August Rush."

For his part, the 56 year-old Williams said that taking the field for the Red Sox is "a dream come true."

"I've been a huge fan of the Red Sox for a long time, all the way back to when I made Good Will Hunting," Williams said.

He then went on to recite the entire speech his character from the movie made about Cartlon Fisk's game-winning home run in the 1975 World Series in front of a cadre of increasingly bored reporters, before devolving into a 20-minute long, sporadically humorous riff with tangents including: rosin bags and their similarities to cocaine; Al Gore's hatred of pine tar; and baby poop.

In a related note: in an attempt to stiumlate their fan base, the Tampa Bay Rays had offered one-day minor league contracts to Shecky Green, Don Rickles and Charlie Callas.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:02 PM 0 comments  

Report: Santana Traded to the Mets

According to USA Today's Bob Nightengale, the New York Mets have acquired two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana from the Minnesota Twins in exchange for four minor-league prospects. On the surface, the deal seems OK for the Twins: the four players (pitchers Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey and outfielder Carlos Gomez) are four of the Mets' top seven prospects, according to Baseball America.

But here's the weird part - not part of the deal was Fernando Martinez, the Mets' No. 1 prospect in their farm system - he's listed by Baseball America as their leading prospect on the team at hitting for power and average. It's baffling to me that - when trading away arguably the best pitcher in baseball, that you wouldn't get the other team's No. 1 prospect as part of the package. Especially since it was rumored that adding Martinez to the trade was crucial for the Twins to make the deal with the Mets.

The Twins had earlier set today as the deadline for offers from interested teams. Unless you believe the rumors echoed by The Twins Geek, that Santana imposed the deadline himself. No matter what, it certainly didn't help the Twins get the best deal possible. Needless to say, the fans commenting at Twinkie Town have been less than unanimous in their support.

So, we'll see. Martinez could flame out (he struggled in his call up to Double-A last season, but he is very young) and Gomez could be a future Hall of Famer. But it's hard to look at that trade without thinking there is a lot more celebration in the Mets' offices today than in the Twins'

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:42 PM 1 comments  

Indians Team Officials "Really Fucking Thrilled" with Sabathia's Cy Young

CLEVELAND - Immediately after Cleveland hurler C.C. Sabathia was named AL Cy Young winner this afternoon, Indians team officials held a press conference to express their sentiments over their pitcher's recognition. Even though their words conveyed excitement over the honor, their tone and actions left many reporters questioning the veracity of their statements.

Sabathia was named AL Cy Young winner over Boston Red Sox ace Josh Beckett. Cy Young voting occurs before the post-season begins, which might have been lucky for Sabathia. He was 1-2 with an 8.80 ERA in four post-season starts for the Indians before they were knocked out of the playoffs by the Red Sox. Meanwhile, Beckett was stellar in the playoffs, going 4-0 with a 1.20 ERA.

"Yeah, C.C. really showed what a 'big game' pitcher he was this season," said Indians GM Mark Shaprio, using "air quotes" the first of several times during the press conference. "You could say that, in a sense, there is no way our seasons could have ended the way it did with his 'performance' when it mattered most."

Cleveland manager Eric Wedge deflected a question on whether he would trade Sabathia for Beckett if he could.

"Oh, of course not," Wedge said. "Why would I want to switch out a guy who is great in the regular season for one of the best post-season pitchers in history? It's all about what you accomplish in the regular season against teams like Tampa Bay, Baltimore and Kansas City that counts, right?"

Wedge then concluded by making a stroking motion with his right hand near his crotch that appeared to mimic masturbation while rolling his eyes and making a "raspberry" with his mouth.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:34 PM 1 comments