Old Video Casts Doubt on Clemens' Claim to Have Never Taken Drugs

Roger Clemens has claimed that he never took any "banned substances at any time in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life," but after an exhaustive search, I have uncovered long-buried evidence that Clemens obviously must have used massive amounts of drugs during his early playing days. Let me present to you Exhibit A:



Clearly, you would need to have broken into Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's satchel of medicinal supplements in order to agree to do something like that. Or, the director walked in on you getting "injected in the butt" in the clubhouse one day, and used this as blackmail to get you to agree to do said video.

Either way, I think this is proof that is just as conclusive as anything in The Mitchell Report. And if you think that using performance-enhancing bathing products isn't serious, just remember Ironhead Hayward (RIP):

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:57 AM 0 comments  

Bowden: Florida St. Cheating Scandal Simply Misguided "Turn Back the Clock" Stunt

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden said today that the cheating scandal that could decimate his roster for the Music City Bowl game against Kentucky and the 2008 season was not a symptom of a program out of control, but rather a unique “Turn Back the Clock” gimmick designed to remind fans and the team of the program’s glory days in the 1980s and early 1990s.

“You know, we were talking about doing something to remind these kids and all the fans just what Seminole football used to be all about,” said Bowden. “We talked about retro jerseys, or bringing back some old players. Then I got the inspiration. I said ‘Dad gum it, Florida State football ain’t about jerseys, or even the players. If we really want to turn back the clock, we need to get back to what we’ve always done best – get involved in a scandal that embarrasses the university, its fans and alumni.”

Bowden said that he was surprised at the uproar about the allegations involving up to 25 players and an online music history exam.

“It’s not like these guys are normally going to class anyway,” Bowden said. “We just thought it would be a change of pace to have them actually take the tests for themselves instead of just giving them their As – and when I say ‘take the test’, I mean ‘supply them with the answers for the test’, of course.”

Sincere thought was given to giving the team a shopping spree at a local sporting apparel store on the eve of the game, but Bowden staff quickly soured on the idea, saying that it was tough to “stack up to the pinnacle of this program’s achievements,” although they left the door open to use the idea in the future ahead of a game against Florida.

Bowden added that he thought his opponent for the Music City Bowl made it an ideal choice for this sort of “team-building activity.”

“I know the Kentucky program well, and I’ve known Coach Mumme for a long time,” Bowden said. “I’m sure he appreciates a good-natured, spirited scandal as much as the next person, and has his own thing cooked up for the bowl game.”

When informed that former Wildcats head coach Hal Mumme had been forced to resign in 2001 after a myriad of sanctions from the NCAA, Bowden stared blankly at the reporter for almost a minute before launching into a brief, rambling speech about the weather and how “things were different under FDR,” nearly choking on a Burger King hamburger and finally being led back to the team hotel by a school official.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:58 AM 0 comments