Comedic Value of Mike Tyson in South Africa Puts Blog Writer in a Coma

LOS ANGELES – Blogger Richard Manfredi, a New York Times noted expert on sports and humor, was found in his apartment yesterday in an apparently paralytic state after trying to comprehend the comedic possibilities of Mike Tyson’s recent trip to South Africa.

Manfredi had sent the original story to Mark “fkn” McLane, a co-writer on the blog Your Face is a Sports Blog, at roughly 2 p.m. with the message “OMG OMG OMG!” Manfredi did not respond to multiple responses from McLane, who eventually called Los Angeles police, who broke down Manfredi’s apartment door and found the writer sitting, frozen at his computer desk, with the screen still on the Tyson story.

The story involved Jacob Zuma, the leader of South Africa’s ruling African National Congress, bowing to public pressure and not attending a charity banquet for Tyson as planned. Like Tyson, Zuma has been subject to allegations of sexual assault. In 2006, Zuma was acquitted of rape charges stemming from sex with a family friend that Zuma said was consensual. Zuma admitted to having sex with the woman without a condom, despite knowing that she was HIV-positive, but he took a shower afterwards to “cut the risk of contracting HIV.” During the trial, Zuma also said that he interpreted the fact that his accuser had been wearing a skirt as a sign of inviting his sexual advances.

Manfredi was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. At an early morning press conference, doctors said that Manfredi was "stable, although still essentially catatonic."

“We think that, after seeing the story, Mr. Manfredi’s brain had trouble processing all of the different comedic possibilities, while balancing the fact that trying to make light of any story involving sexual abuse and HIV is a tricky task at best,” said Dr. Winfield Jones, a neurosurgeon heading up Manfredi’s treatment team. “At some point, he believe that too many neurons were firing at the same time, and that he essentially overloaded the part of cortex that deals with humor. In short, he fried his brain.”

McLane speculated that reading that Tyson was good friends with Winnie Mandela, the ex-wife of former President Nelson Mandela and someone with a checkered past of her own, might have been the final straw.

“I understand that as he was being rushed to the hospital in the ambulance, paramedics reported him muttering ‘Winnie Mandela is the next Robin Givens’ over and over,” McLane said. “The poor bastard never had a chance.”

Doctors are taking a “wait and see” approach to Manfredi’s recovery. He is currently being kept in a sound-proof isolation chamber in an attempt to minimize any stress placed on his fragile psyche.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:47 AM 4 comments  

Plans for All You Can Eat Section at NASCAR Track Frightening Waste Management Experts

DARLINGTON, SC - The nation's leading waste management experts were alternately "shocked," "frightened" and "appalled" by the announcement today that Darlington Motor Speedway would offer an All You Can Eat food option for fans attending the NASCAR race held at the track on May 10.

Under the new plan - which is modeled on similar successful plans at baseball stadiums such as Dodger Stadium - for $60, adults can receive a ticket for a grandstand seat and unlimited hamburgers, hot dogs, snack items and soft drinks.

John Dickson, a consultant with over 30 years of waste management experience, shuddered at the concept.

"Even under normal circumstances, hundreds of thousands of NASCAR fans place an enormous strain on the infrastructure of not just a track, but an entire city," Dickson said. "Offering fans all the burgers and hot dogs they can eat is just asking for a sewage disaster of epic proportions."

Dickson outlined several catastrophic scenarios from these plans:

With a huge increase in fried, greasy food being consumed, the restrooms at the track could become so full that it is impossible to use them during the race. Dickson: "I would say this is pretty much the best case scenario."
The sheer volume of waste matter going through the toilets could be so massive that it could back up the entire sewage system for the entire Darlington area. Dickson: "Have you ever heard the phrase 'trying to put 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound sack?' This is like trying to put millions of pounds of crap into that sack. You could have a complete breakdown in the sewage system in the area."
The high concentration of human waste could also create a methane cloud that could hover over the track and put the fans and drivers at risk of poisoning. Dickson: "If nothing else, the smell is going to be like a million hobos in a sauna - you'll pray for a cold so that you can't smell."

Dickson also warned that the high volume of food will also be exacerbated by the heavy amount of drinking that takes place at NASCAR races. He warns that this could make the sewage system problem just as bad the next morning, due to a phenomenon known in the waste management industry as "the beer shits."

In a related note, NASCAR announced that the May 10 race at Darlington would be renamed the Andy Gump Port-A-Potty 500.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:19 PM 2 comments  

The Guy from Hermans Head, a Dwarf, and a Bunch of Pissed Off Japanese Tourists

This is only marginally sports-related, but it's so cool that I thought it was worth mentioning. This is from the blog of Ken Levine, who along with being a writer/director/producer for such shows as Cheers, Frasier, MASH, The Simpsons, and about 50 or so others, has also worked as a play-by-play man for the Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres and Baltimore Orioles. In short, he's lived a much, much better, more interesting life than you or I could ever imagine.

This weekend, Levine posted an an "unfortunate" audience story. It involved a show he was directing called Brother's Keeper that starred William Ragsdale (Herman from Herman's Head, a very underrated show) as a father with a son, blah blah blah. Because of child labor laws, they could only use the kid actor for shooting. So for rehearsals, blocking, etc., they relied on a stand-in: a middle-aged dwarf that was about the same size as the kid.

At some point, a Japanese tour group comes in too watch a taping. Remembering that none of them speak English, here is the first thing they see:

Me, making a guy in his 30’s scold a middle-aged dwarf to such a degree that the dwarf breaks down crying and runs from the set.

They were appalled! Outraged! As one, they got up and marched out, glaring at me and calling me things that did not need any translation.

Needless to say I have not been invited to direct any Japanese sitcoms. And I don’t think Billy Ragsdale has had too many offers to appear over there either.

Guessing by their usual game show fare, they probably were offended that Levine didn't force the dwarf to eat some high school girl's panties. Oh, those wacky Japanese.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:05 PM 0 comments  

Report: Santana Traded to the Mets

According to USA Today's Bob Nightengale, the New York Mets have acquired two-time Cy Young winner Johan Santana from the Minnesota Twins in exchange for four minor-league prospects. On the surface, the deal seems OK for the Twins: the four players (pitchers Phil Humber, Deolis Guerra and Kevin Mulvey and outfielder Carlos Gomez) are four of the Mets' top seven prospects, according to Baseball America.

But here's the weird part - not part of the deal was Fernando Martinez, the Mets' No. 1 prospect in their farm system - he's listed by Baseball America as their leading prospect on the team at hitting for power and average. It's baffling to me that - when trading away arguably the best pitcher in baseball, that you wouldn't get the other team's No. 1 prospect as part of the package. Especially since it was rumored that adding Martinez to the trade was crucial for the Twins to make the deal with the Mets.

The Twins had earlier set today as the deadline for offers from interested teams. Unless you believe the rumors echoed by The Twins Geek, that Santana imposed the deadline himself. No matter what, it certainly didn't help the Twins get the best deal possible. Needless to say, the fans commenting at Twinkie Town have been less than unanimous in their support.

So, we'll see. Martinez could flame out (he struggled in his call up to Double-A last season, but he is very young) and Gomez could be a future Hall of Famer. But it's hard to look at that trade without thinking there is a lot more celebration in the Mets' offices today than in the Twins'

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:42 PM 1 comments  

Quick Hits

- In stunning news, the always-excellent Tom Hoffarth of the Los Angeles Daily News reports that the 2008 Lingerie Bowl has been canceled (for the second consecutive year) because of bungling from the promoters. Sounds like these guys are about as with it as the marketing team behind the NHL All-Star Game (that was this weekend, in case you didn't know. Which you didn't.)
- Following up our story yesterday on Kevin Love being heckled mercilessly by Oregon fans, here's a fan sign that is creative, well-done and isn't too personal. Well done, kid. The Duke abides.
- The Seattle Times on-going investigation of the 2000 Washington Huskies shows a level of malfeasance, corruption and lack of morals that, even for a cynical sports fan like me, is pretty shocking. As Deadspin pointed out, everyone associated with the team seem like horrible people. You'll want to bathe after reading the stories, just to get the filth off. And the head coach of that 2000 Huskies' team? Rick Neuheisel. Should be some...interesting times...at Westwood the next few seasons.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 3 comments  

Indianapolis Announces Super Bowl Bid Slogan

INDIANAPOLIS - Civic leaders today kicked off the city's bid for the 2012 Super Bowl by unveiling the slogan for the campaign in a ceremony outside of the RCA Dome. Leaders hope that "It Can't Be Worse Than Detroit" will drive across the key points they hope to impress upon NFL executives in their bid to host the Super Bowl.

"I mean, after they had the Super Bowl in Detroit in 2006, I guess they're letting any city with an NFL team and a domed stadium host it," said Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard. "This slogan serves as an opportunity to remind owners and NFL executives of where they've had past Super Bowls, and the type of precedent that has set. We might not be the biggest city in the world, but hey, we're not Detroit!"

Ballard pointed out the many attractive qualities of Indianapolis and fun activities visitors could take part in while visiting the city for a Super Bowl. They include:

• Using the cold Indiana winter weather as a chance to explore the high quality of the heaters in the city's many hotels.
• Take in a game featuring one of Indiana's star-studded winter sports teams, such as the Indiana Pacers and...the Indiana Pacers.
• Drive 30 minutes to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and see what an empty race track looks like.
• Visit the Indianapolis Zoo and see examples of local wildlife native to Indiana, including the pig, cow, horse, mule and farm dog.
• Go to the Connor Prairie Museum and experience life on a rural farm in the Pioneer days. Or, visit any farm 10 miles or more outside of Indianapolis and see basically the same thing.
• Explore all of the fine dining and nightlife options Indianapolis has to offer. After this, plan your second day in the city.
• Sit quietly in your hotel room, wondering if Fresno would be more exciting.

Ballard also promised a halftime show by Indiana-native and music legend John Mellencamp, including a special performance of "This is Our Country" that will be "just as fresh and hip" ion 2012 as it is today.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:43 AM 3 comments  

Quick Hits

• Former USC, Arizona and Missouri head coach Larry Smith died today in Tucson after a lengthy illness. He was 68. At least he lived long enough to see someone come along who would ensure that he wasn't remembered as the worst coach in modern USC history.
• Speaking of USC, I don't know if you got a chance to watch the game against Oregon on Saturday, but it was a doozy. USC "blew" a 14-point lead against the Ducks (and I put "blew" in quotes just because USC didn't play that mad down the stretch - Oregon was just unconscious from beyond the arc in the final three minutes), but still got off the deck to win in overtime. OJ Mayo scored 25 while dealing with persistent leg cramps (and having briefly been declared ineligible by the NCAA and then made eligible again after the whole free ticket mess), while Daniel Hackett and Dwight Lewis each had career-highs with 26 and 24 points each.
• Speaking of Oregon...coach Ernie Kent had to go out before the USC game and implore the student section to behave in an appropriate manner. This was on the heels of the game against UCLA on Thursday, which was the homecoming for Kevin Love. Needless to say, when Ben Howland uses the terms "vile," "inappropriate" and "disgusting" to describe the fans, it's pretty bad:

"One fan brandished a homemade placard alluding to the cocaine use of Love's cousin, Brian Wilson, of the Beach Boys. Others waved signs displaying the digits of Love's cell phone number or questioning his sexual orientation. And at one point, the entire sea of yellow-shirted Oregon students showered Love with profane taunts and screams of delight when he left the game after being poked in the eye."

I'm sure a lot of it was inappropriate and borderline awful...but referencing a coked-to-the-tits Brian Wilson? That's just funny. And terrible. But funny.

• And by "the luck of the draw," Premiership leaders Manchester United and Arsenal will face each other in the Round 16 of the FA Cup. It seems about as "random" as Triple H and John Cena drawing the Nos. 29 and 30 pills at the Royal Rumble last night - who knew Mr. McMahon was a soccer fan, much less ran the English FA?
  

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:25 PM 0 comments  

South Beats North in Senior Bowl, Avenges Civil War

MOBILE, AL - Florida's Andre Caldwell scored on a two-yard touchdown run as time expired to give the South a dramatic 17-16 victory over the North in the Senior Bowl on Saturday. And even though it was an exhibition game, it still served as vindication for millions of fans of the South still hurting from the last meaningful clash between these two bitter rivals - the Civil War.

"Boy, we said that The South Would Rise Again, and we meant it," said Grady Alexander, a gas station attendant from Mobile who bought tickets to the game - a match-up showcasing graduating seniors to NFL scouts - after hearing of the North vs. South team match-ups. "Those Yankees never knew what hit 'em."

Celebrations spread quickly through the South after the game. Thousands of fans in cities throughout the region took to the streets to celebrate, waving giant Rebel flags as a way to to their Southern pride, but not at all in a racist way. The most serious incident was in South Carolina, where a group of Civil War reenactors calling themselves "The Sons of the Sons of the Confederacy" attempted to capture of the gift shop at the Fort Sumner Museum and "liberate" the T-shirts, pins, and fridge magnets "as war loot."

Caldwell (pictured, right) was apprehensive when asked after the game how it felt to give so much pride back to white Southerners.

"Umm...I'm not sure I scored, actually," he said. "I might have stepped out of bounds, or have been lined up off the line of scrimmage. Or maybe we had 12 men on the field. I think I should, in the spirit of fair play, report these things to the ref so that the final score can be overturned."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:12 PM 0 comments  

Patriots Downplay Reports That Brady is a Zombie

FOXBOROUGH, MA - As they continued preparations for next week's Super Bowl, The New England Patriots sought to downplay another mystery involving quarterback Tom Brady, dismissing reports that Tom Brady had been turned into a lifeless, blood-thirsty zombie as "highly speculative."

"Right now, there's no reason to suspect that Tom isn't going to be playing next Sunday, so for me this is a non-issue," said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick at the Patriots' practice facilities. "This is just like the so-called 'Bootgate' - one picture that appears to show Tom feasting on the still-fresh remains of human, and things just get blown out of proportion."

Speculation on Brady's condition intensified on Sunday, as a battery of scientists, priests and voodoo practitioners filed in and out of the Patriots' training area, which was closed to reporters. Some reporters also noticed large quantities of field mice, rats, gerbils and other small mammals being shipped to the facilities, but Belichick said these were part of "normal game week preparations."

"It's just something we do every week, and certainly not because we're trying to keep Tom satisfied with warm animal meat until we can find a cure," Belichik said. "You media guys just don't pay attention to our preparations until the Super Bowl."

Brady was last spotted in public Saturday morning, after having returned from a short trip in Jamaica with his girlfriend, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, to an event raising awareness for the "Help People Who Appear to be Soulless and Have a Taste for Human Flesh, Especially Brains Foundation". Brady was photographed by paparazzi with a large bandage on his neck, which he said came from "an overzealous fan at the event."

Brady himself was mostly silent on the matter, stating only "aaarrr, uggghhh, aarrrrr" while leaving team headquarters, before stopping briefly to eat a stringer from the Associated Press. Witnesses said that Brady did not appear to be limping as he slowly chased down, killed, and devoured the brain and other flesh of the unnamed reporter.

Randy Moss briefly addressed the situation in his locker room following the game, and echoed the comments of his teammates, who said that they unanimously expected Brady to start and perform well against the New York Giants, even if it was just the quarterback's flesh-eating, reanimated corpse.

"You tell me, who would you rather have: a zombie Tom Brady, or Eli Manning," Moss said. "No contest for me. Tom's got that killer instinct anyways, so even if he is a zombie, and I'm not saying he is, this can only help him. I don't think Michael Strahan is going to be wanting to get close enough to sack Tom on Sunday, and that's all I have to say about that."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:24 AM 8 comments  

Your Face is a Sports Blog mentioned by a certain New York newspaper

I was quoted in an article about the Super Bowl quarterbacks in a small newspaper. You might have heard of it - the New York Times. I'm pretty much as stunned as you can possibly be. There is roughly zero percent chance that I'm doing anything but buying about 20 copies on Sunday. Yeah, me as the guy who wrote "Friday Night Lights" - I'd say we're equally qualified to be interviewed as experts.

The best part is that I received a second quote, and there got a "Mr. Manfredi" usage on second reference. The Old Grey Lady's naming policies might be arcane, but it's the New York Times, and it's still stupidly cool.

I'm going to celebrate by having a Dr Pepper - and not even a Diet one. I know how to live large.

(Note: The story is in the "Style" section of the paper. As I type this blog post, I am wearing jeans that are "pegged" because it's raining and I don't want them to get soaked, and a T-shirt from a local liquor store that my wife bought for me at Goodwill for $0.99 because there's a typo in the phone number. Yeah, I'm Mr. GQ Smoothie.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:51 PM 5 comments  

Dana Jacobson Signs Endorsement Deal with Absolut

See. Just because you made a fool of yourself at a roast, offending millions of Catholics and ESPN along the way, doesn't mean that you can't recover and, in fact, thrive. You go girl!

Actually, if Dana Jacobson had received an endorsement deal out of everything, I'm sure it would be for "ESPN the Vodka" or some other similarly-branded nonsense.

"THIS IS THE ALCOHOLIC SPIRIT THAT I ENJOY DRINKING WHEN I AM RELAXING AT HOME ON MY BARCALOUNGER EATING CHEEZ DOODLES, THE MOST IMPORTANT AND RELEVANT SNACK OF OUR GENERATION!" - Stephen A. Smith, ESPN personality and noted food & wine expert.

(Photo credit: Icon Sports Media via The Big Lead)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:33 PM 1 comments  

Ads

In case you were curious...

Yes, I am experimenting with different advertising concepts here on the site. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I have a newborn, and baby has expensive tastes. Some things are OK (banner ads), and other things seem really annoying (the green pop-up highlighted ads). Let me know if anything seems too obnoxious or ruins the experience for you.

And also, do click on an ad on occasion. You might get a good deal (especially if you have a bad back, or need to get laid tonight), and I make a little scratch each time.

Who Heard Steve Somers' Show on WFAN Yesterday?

Several people have commented or e-mailed to me that Steve Somers from WFAN-AM in New York had a segment about Eli Manning that was...suspiciously similar to our blog article (which was later picked up by Deadspin - thanks, Will). Unfortunately, WFAN doesn't archive all of their programming. Short of hiring a monitoring service, I'd like to hear it for myself before we go off the rails, so if anyone happens to have a copy of yesterday's show, I'd love it if you could contact me. I'll be your BFF, promise.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:08 AM 1 comments  

NCAA: Mayo's Free Clippers Tickets "Worthless"

LOS ANGELES - The NCAA today ruled that free tickets received by freshman
OJ Mayo to a Nuggets vs. Clippers game on Monday from Denver star Carmelo Anthony were "essentially worthless," and therefore not a violation of NCAA rules prohibiting athletes from receiving additional benefits.

"In order for a benefit to be categorized as 'improper' it must be something that is of value," said the NCAA in a statement released today. "Because of the team's lack of stars, poor record and inconsistent fan base, the NCAA has determined that Clippers tickets are without value, and therefore accepting free tickets is not against NCAA rules."

Mayo expressed relief in the decision.

"I mean, I didn't even go to the game to watch basketball," said Mayo. "Mainly, I wanted to check out the Clipper cheerleaders and get some nachos. Man, I love nachos. Besides, it was kind of sad in the front row. The only celebrity I saw was that short, bald guy that used to host the Oscars. And some old broad I didn't know."

The statement from the NCAA did warn that if Mayo or any athlete accepted free tickets to "a Lakers game, or any other real NBA franchise," they would be subject to NCAA penalties. WNBA games, however, are exempt.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:02 PM 3 comments  

Quick Links

- Apparently Herschel Walker has multiple personality disorder. Which means that the Vikings didn't trade their future away to the Cowboys in exchange for just one player - they got several versions of the same, overrated, apparently crazy player. (With Leather)
- They recently installed a "synthetic track" at Santa Anita Park that was supposed to be state of the art and keep horses healthier. Apparently, that means "installing such a lousy drainage system that the horse can never race and therefore never get hurt," leading to the cancellation of the past two days of races and four racing days this month. What are Los Angeles' horse racing fans going to do with their time until they hit the bar a 4 p.m.? (Los Angeles Times)
- A million pants unzip in preparation for tomorrow night's Australian Open women's final between Ana Ivanovic (pictured) and Maria Sharapova. (not pictured because you know what she looks like unless you live in a cave. And unsexy cave.) Unfortunately, this is being shown at 9:30 p.m. Eastern, so you might want to Tivo this so you can watch it after the wife and kids go to bed. (The Big Lead)
- Looks like Michael Strahan might have a shot after all - Tony Romo has allegedly dumped Jessica Simpson. (New York Daily News)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:06 PM 3 comments  

Chow: UCLA hire has nothing to do with burning, passionate hatred for Carroll

New UCLA offensive coordinator Norm Chow said today that his decision to return to the college coaching ranks after having been an assistant with the NFL's Baltimore Ravens was all about opportunity, and certainly has nothing to do with a burning, passionate hatred for USC head coach Pete Carroll that has built up since he left the Trojans in 2004.

"Nope. This is just a good chance to do something I like somewhere I'm comfortable," Chow said. "I don't have any bitterness or anger over how horribly I was treated at USC, or how ungrateful Coach Carroll was for everything I did for the team. Certainly, I want us to beat USC, but this isn't any sort of all-encompassing, consuming desire to crush USC that is going to take over every aspect of my life. Nothing like that at all."

Chow insisted that despite reports of tension between him and Carroll over control of USC's offense and credit for the Trojans' run of success, he and his former boss had a good relationship.

"It will be good to see him before the game next year," Chow said. "Or after the game, crying. We're still good friends - friends who don't ever talk to each other, and who want to se the other person crushed and destroyed, with their lifelong dreams and ambitions shattered like fine china in an earthquake. That kind of friend."

Chow denied reports that he was the voice behind an anonymous phone message to NCAA investigators saying the the caller "knew where all of USC's skeletons are buried," and that they could meet "in the corner booth of Lamonica's Pizza on Westwood Blvd." if they wanted more information.

Chow also disputed rumors that it would be difficult to work under new UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel, who got the UCLA job after Chow had previously interviewed for it.

"You know, these things happen, and I'm happy to be working under Rick, plus I still have plenty of time in my career to get that first head coaching break," said Chow, 61. "In fact, I like to pick up coffee from Starbucks every morning for Coach Neuheisel. He likes the Hazelnut Latte, which is great since the strong taste should mask the taste of oleander when the time comes. So yeah, I think I'll be a head coach, at least in an emergency, interim capacity, very soon."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:37 AM 0 comments  

Inspired by Barefoot Coach, Majerus to Coach Pantsless

ST. LOUIS – Inspired by IUPUI men’s basketball head coach Ron Hunter’s pledge to coach his team’s next game barefoot to raise awareness for a charity, University of St. Louis head coach Rick Majerus pledged today to coach the Billikens’ upcoming game Saturday against La Salle naked from the waist down.

“I heard about Coach Hunter, and thought what the heck, why not try to do him one better,” Majerus said. “I mean, the worst part of coaching is having to wear pants, so this is a perfect chance to avoid that all together.”

During a press conference on Majerus’ plans, the coach was asked which charity he was raising awareness for with his stunt, a question which confused the rotund coach.

“Charity? I don’t know what you mean,” Majerus said. “I thought that Coach Hunter just didn’t like wearing shoes. Well, there has to be some sort of charity that donates pants to needy Africans, right? If not, there should be."

A representative of the University of St. Louis said that the Catholic institution had no comment on Majerus’ plans, although they would rather that Majerus go back to commenting on abortion.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:43 PM 2 comments  

Yahoo! has a bit of a mix-up

At least I'm going to assume it's a mix-up. Otherwise, why in the world would they include a photo of former Dolphins head coach (and new Ravens offensive coordinator) Cam Cameron with their story on the GOP Primary in Florida?



There can't possibly be a connection there, right? I can't imagine that the endorsement of "Mr. 1-15" is going to count for a whole lot in Florida these days.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:19 PM 1 comments  

Coaching Barefoot: A Noble, Honorable, Gross Idea

IUPUI (it stands for Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis - don't ask me, I don't live in Indiana) head men's basketball coach Ron Hunter will be coaching barefoot on Thursday in his team's game against Oakland University. The stunt is a way to raise awareness for Samaritan's Feet, a charity started by Nigerian native Emmanuel "Manny" Ohonme, who eventually came to the US to play college basketball (no doubt recruited by Kevin Bacon). The goal is to send 40,000 pairs of shoes to Africa in honor of the 40th anniversary of the death of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Helping put shoes on the feet of needy men, women and children in Africa is a great cause. Hunter has personally received more than 30,000 pairs of shoes already. What he is doing is a great and noble thing.

It is also, unquestionably, unbelievably gross and unhygienic. I'm far from a neat freak, but you couldn't pay me enough money to walk barefoot on a gym floor for several hours. The sheer number of variety of fungi and other infectious diseases lurking on any gym floor boggles the mind. It's a Tinactin commercial waiting to happen. Perhaps he should take a lesson from Howard Hughes and skip the shoes but wear Kleenex boxes on his feet.

I'd like to say that it would be neat if other, more established coaches follow his lead. But let's be honest - Bobby Knight's bare feet probably resemble something from a Lord of the Rings monster, and I don't think we need the dozens of ESPN close-ups IN HD that we would probably be treated with during that broadcast.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:45 PM 3 comments  

Proof of a Higher Power: Rusty Wallace Out, Dale Jarrett as Lead NASCAR Analyst on ESPN

NASCAR fans rarely agree on anything (Bud or Coors? Chevy or Ford? Skoal or Red Man?). But one thing that pretty much everyone agreed on last season was that ESPN's first year back covering NASCAR was kind of a mess. And a big problem was lead analyst Rusty Wallace, who seemed to mean well but also seemed to be hopelessly overmatched in the booth, which unfortunately lead to a reaction where he decided that if he talked all the time, non-stop, throughout the broadcast, you wouldn't notice that he actually wasn't saying much of anything. Volume over substance.

Well, ESPN finally pulled the plug on Rusty. Sort of. Dale Jarrett is going to be the lead NASCAR analyst next season, while Rusty moves over to become the lead analyst for ESPN studio programs. Dale is again following in his father Ned's footsteps, as the senior Jarrett was a longtime (although somewhat subdued) analyst for ESPN and CBS. And Dale was pretty good in his part-time role last season on Nationwide (Busch) Series races - certainly, he added when he could. and stayed out of the way when he didn't have anything to contribute.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:25 PM 3 comments  

Your YouTube Crash Video of the Day

I used to ride a bicycle. In the summer in junior high, a friend and I would take daylong rides, usually 80 miles or more, sometimes up to the base of the Sierra Nevadas. However, I was not one of those guys who wear neon orange and lime green bicycling suits that are tight enough to need a bucket of talc to get into and out of. Why? Because I'm not and never have been a professional cyclists, and neither have any of those idiots you see on the roads every day. I like NASCAR, but I don't wear a helmet with HANS device and a full fireproof suit when I get in my car to go to the store for groceries.

That said, Rigoberto Uran is a professional cyclist, although apparently not a very good one. I would think that "learning to turn" would be one of those skills that would be handy for a professional cyclist, especially on a twisty, mountain course:



Ouch. In case you are wondering, Uran wound up with two broken elbows, a broken wrist and a crack in the back of his neck that was described as "absolutely harmless", which seems pretty much impossible.

And because I hate to leave you with just one video, let me refer you to the Cycling Fans Anonymous Web site, which compiled a list of the Ten Worst Cycling Crashes of 2007. You'll be keeping the training wheels on your kids' bikes for a few extra months after seeing these videos and photos.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:26 PM 1 comments  

Eli Manning...Legend in the Making?

So there's this quarterback, right? He's from the South, and he becomes a star in the SEC. There's a lot of hype about him coming out of college, and after a lot of fanfare, he winds up in the Big Apple, where he's expecting to revive a failing team.

Immediately, there are problems: the media is all over him, a lot of his teammates don't like him, and the fans...oh, the fans. Every week there are questions about his ability, his maturity, and, more than anything else, his ability to be a leader of men.

And things aren't going great on the field, either, for the first few seasons. A great performance is followed up by a terrible one. He leads the league in interceptions twice in his first three seasons. Coming into his fourth season, a lot of people have had enough, and even his supporters are starting to question him.

Then, something happens in his fourth season. But not at first - for most of the season, it's the same problems as before. But, somehow, when his team needs big performances late, he gives it to them. Then, the playoffs come and he's brilliant - almost a different quarterback. The two-headed monster at running back is working, and he's the one pulling the strings. There's a confidence in his gaze and his stride that no one has ever seen before. His teammates see this and feed off of it - suddenly, he's their guy, and they'll run through walls for him.

And so he leads his team into the Super Bowl, where he faces unbelievable odds, against a seemingly invincible coach. And you know what? He wins that game, and in doing so becomes a legend.

Who am I talking about? If you said "Eli Manning," go stab yourself in the face with an ice pick. He hasn't led the league in INTs twice - just this season. I'm talking about Broadway Joe himself.

Yes, I'm comparing this guy:























...to this guy:



























...and I'm aware of how insane that seems. But the facts are the facts, and the similarities between Eli Manning as he prepares for the Super Bowl and Joe Namath ahead of Super Bowl III are kind of eerie. Look at their numbers through their first four seasons:

Namath: 55 G, 50.0 Pct., 12,753 YD, 78 TD, 87 INT
E. Manning: 57 G, 54.7 Pct., 11,385 YD, 77 TD, 64 INT

Not to say that this is destiny or anything, but if we're lucky, Eli will be starring in crappy Italian movies within two years, something we all need to see. Or, he could wind up doing an updated version of this commercial, which I'm sure no one wants to see:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:36 PM 5 comments  

A Weekend Recap: Interesting Things That I...OHMYGODELIMANNINGISINTHESUPERBOWL!

You should have seen a lot of updates from me this past weekend, as there was a lot of sports on tap, and despite my being on vacation in Monterey with my family, a lot of sports that I watched. However, you can thank the IT department that administers the "free" WiFi at the Ramada Inn for your lack of updates. When the Internets isn't working on Saturday, and you call the technical support number, and their answer is "uh, I guess we'll trying restarting the server?", you probably are going to be without the wireless Interweb for the rest of the weekend.

So, Let's recap some of the weekend's news stories, in a pithy yet easy-to-digest format:

Let's get the big thing out of the way: Eli Manning is starting the Super Bowl. If you could go back to your past self, say, six weeks ago, and try to explain this to him/her, they would probably shoot you on sight, since clearly you aren't from the future but from Bizarro World.

Perhaps the most bizarre thing out of all of this is that Eli Manning led not one, but two potentially game-winning drives on Sunday, putting the Giants in position to kick the game-winning field goal. And both times the Giants fucked that up, thanks to Lawrence "Norwood" Tynes. AND SOMEHOW THEY STILL WON THE GAME! Albeit, not with a third game-winning drive by Eli - that's just asking too much - but thanks to a dumb throw by Brett Favre.

Which - no surprise - wasn't the only bad throw he made on Sunday. And - no surprise - Joe Buck and Troy Aikman seemed unwilling or just unable to point out. If it wasn't for the fact that RW McQuarters apparently eats a pound of bacon with his bare hands on the sidelines before taking the field (leading to two fumbles), the Giants wouldn't have needed overtime, and it would have been thanks to Brett Favre's poor decisions. (Not to mention the two or three times he threw lame ducks into triple coverage and got away with no being picked off).

Here's the weird part: in the second half, every time Eli Manning went back to pass, you expected something good to happen. Maybe he would get a completion, or a receiver would draw a flag. But you had that same feeling of inevitability that you usually get from his brother, or Tom Brady or...Brett Favre.

How did this happen? Has any QB ever made such huge strides in such a short period of time? It was just midseason that Eli was throwing interceptions like they were butterscotch candies from the Shriners' float at the local parade. Now he's suddenly Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and John Elway all rolled into one.

As for the other championship game: that went about like everyone expected. The Chargers were able to move the ball fairly well, especially considering that their QB was apparently playing while missing an ACL. Which you kind of need. And their star running back still had all of his various ligaments in his knee, but one of them was bruised so he sat out most of the game. Which, in comparison, kind of makes him a giant pussy.

The Pats did what they've done the whole second half of the season: let a lesser team stick around, and just when it gets interesting...drive, touchdown, game out of reach, yawn. I'm actually sitting here thinking to myself, "Wow, they can't do that against the Giants - Eli will burn them if they let him hang around." And my mind was just blown.

And, oh yeah, USC beat UCLA in basketball. Men's basketball. At UCLA. Which, in the face of Eli Manning starting in the Super Bowl, doesn't seem that odd at all.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 2 comments  

Scott McCartney's Horrific Downhill Crash at Kitzbuehel

If you haven't been paying attention, American's Favorite Drunk Skier Bode Miller has left the US National team and is competing on his own in the World Cup this year, which is practically unheard of. The amazing part is that he's having one of his best seasons in recent years training and competing on his own, current standing third in the Overall Standings, with two victories on the season.

This weekend brought a tie for second at the downhill race in Kitzbuehel, Austria (which is pretty much the Daytona of skiing). Unfortunately, the story of the race wasn't Miller, or winner Didier Cuche, but a horrific crash by American Scott McCartney on the final jump of the race. In case you are curious, McCartney is reportedly in good condition with no serious injuries other than a concussion.

Still...ugh. I think I'll stay on the bunny slopes. (Note: video commentary in German. Or possibly Hungarian. Or some other European, guttural language.)



And I know some people are going to wonder: since he crossed the finish line, we has scored as having finished 33rd out of 55 finishers. Which a) has to sting if you finished behind an unconscious guy and b) may or may not be even more impressive than Clint Bowyer finishing the Daytona 500 upside down and on fire last year:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:39 AM 7 comments  

Finally! The Feds Got Dana Stubblefield

Folks, our national nightmare is over. The Federal Government finally brought the big hammer down on the BALCO investigation, and in the face of overwhelming evidence, we have a guilty plea. !

What, you didn't think I was talking about Barry Bonds, did you? Get serious - that case is going to be tied up in courts for so long that by the time they get to trial, it will be heard by Judge Dredd. No, I'm talking about former NFL lineman Dana Stubblefield, who today pleaded guilty to one count of lying to federal agents about his use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs during the BALCO investigation, including "The Clear" (who I think is going to be playing the Coachella festival on the second stage this year - great band).

But the punishment is going to be steep - up to five year in prison. Except for the fact "based on sentencing guidelines and other cases, Stubblefield is likely to receive anywhere from no jail time to six months."

This all reminds me that somehow, Dana Stubblefield was the Defensive Player of the Year in 1997. Looking back, isn't that one of the flukiest things ever (or a statement on how little importance to put on the Defensive Player of the Year award)? But if we can't believe in Dana Stubblefield, who can we believe in? Dan Wilkerson? Bryant Young?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:58 PM 0 comments  

What the Hell Happened to the Cal Football Program?

If you didn't see the other day, junior Cal WR/KR and former Heisman Trophy candidate DeSean Jackson announced that he is skipping his senior season to enter the NFL Draft. The decision isn't that surprising - he's Mel Kiper Jr.'s No. 1 rated junior wide receiver, and a solid mid-first round pick in most mock drafts. In short, he's going to be making a lot of money next year when he suits up for an NFL team.

But let's take a look at Cal for a second. Remember earlier this season, after they knocked off Oregon in what during a normal season would have been a Game of the Year candidate, how they were supposed to be the team that was going to stand up to USC, and how they had an inside track to a BCS title game berth?

Flash-forward to today. The wheels on the bus completely fell off in the second half of the season. After rising to as high as No. 2 in the polls, Cal lost six of their last seven regular season games, and needed to rally from three touchdowns down to beat Air Force in their bowl game. Quarterback Nate Longshore completely fell apart, and might be riding the pine next season in favor of Kevin Riley, who lead the bowl comeback.

And speaking of next season...yikes. As the San Jose Mercury News article points out, Jackson's departure leaves the receiving corp unusually thin:

Jackson's departure leaves the Bears without much experience at receiver. Jackson, along with seniors Lavelle Hawkins and Robert Jordan, were Cal's top pass-catchers last season.

Junior LaReylle Cunningham is the only receiver left in the program who has caught a pass in a game. He has eight receptions.

Next season, the Bears probably will need immediate contributions from potential star Michael Calvin, who redshirted last season as a freshman; and redshirt freshman Jeremy Ross. Cal also could get a huge boost from Nyan Boateng, a transfer from Florida whose status on the team is up in the air after he ran into legal trouble last summer. Boateng, who had to sit out last season anyway because of NCAA transfer rules, was suspended from all team activities during the fall. Tedford said he will talk with Boateng about his status next week.

So think USC at the start of this season, except without the experience, and you have a pretty idea about what the possibly new starting quarterback will have to work with. And oh yeah, did I mention that the Bears have to replace the third-leading rusher in school history - Justin Forsett? The cupboard is looking decidedly bare around Berkeley these days?

How the hell did this happen? Needless to say, when your team collapses in what was supposed to be "their year", the head coach has to answer a lot of questions, and Jeff Tedford did make some changes, primarily bringing in former 49ers QB coach Frank Cignetti as the new offensive coordinator, and taking more of a hands-off role with the offense (including play-calling duties) so he can concentrate more on the overall team.

But is that enough? I remember just a few years ago, when Tedford's name was connected with all sorts of high-profile coaching positions (some even in the NFL). Now? He's reshuffling his staff and delegating duties to assistants in order to keep the fans and administration happy. I don't know how much longer this can go on: Cal desperately needs new facilities - their stadium has a giant crack running through it, for God's sake - and this has been a constant source of strife between Tedford and the school for years. Unfortunately, being 7-7 in games played in November or later the last three years doesn't exactly fire everyone up for the off-season.

As for upcoming seasons? Right now they are sixth in the PAC-10 in recruiting, and No. 34 in the country according to Scout.com. Of course, take that with a grain of salt, since that only includes signed commitments, and a lot of big names will wait until Signing Day (thus why USC is down at No. 19 nationally). But here's where to get worried: out of the Rivals.com Top 100, Cal has zero commitments and only one player (Cyrus Gray) even considering the school - and he is leaning towards Texas A&M. Meanwhile, USC has commitments or interest from 12 of the Top 100, while UCLA and Arizona St. have three each. Even Stanford has a verbal commitment from a Top 100 player.

So where does this leave Cal? Definitely at a crossroads. I have a feeling they could be looking at a sub-.500 this year, and that Jeff Tedford's hot seat might just become unbearable (no pun intended) before it's all said and done.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Flooding, Destruction of Cleveland Fulfills BCS Game Bet

COLUMBUS - Ohio Governor Ted Strickland appeared at the state Capitol today wearing a smile and an LSU Tigers jersey. He was there to make good on a pre-BCS Title Game bet with Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal by announcing Jan. 20th as the date for the destruction of Cleveland by a major flood from Lake Erie.

"When I first called Governor Jindal to make this bet, we agreed to each make a bet based on what our state is most famous for," Strickland said. "Looking back, agreeing to release millions of tons of water from the dams around Lake Erie and unleashing a murderous torrent onto the citizens of our largest city hardly seems like a fair trade against a gallon of Louisiana hot sauce. But, a bet is a bet, and hey, it's just football, right?"

The Governor then immediately began expressing his condolences to the tens of thousands of Cleveland residents who will lose loved ones, their homes and livelihoods in the pending disaster.

Sources say that Strickland called Jindal immediately after LSU's 38-24 victory over Ohio St. on Jan. 7 to offer his congratulations and to beg Governor Jindal to spare his city. Jindal reportedly responded by declining, saying that "I guess we won't be alone at the bottom of every national survey on people who are homeless, unemployed or committing crimes, now will we?"

Despite the fact that Cleveland will between submerged in three to five feet within three days, Strickland expressed confidence that the turn-around and recovery will be swift.

"Governor Jindal has pledged that he will let the boys from FEMA know about our problem, and that they will be up there just soon as they are done repairing New Orleans," Strickland said. "I'm sure we'll be seeing the first FEMA crews any day now."

The entire Ohio St. offensive line has volunteered to man all dams, in an attempt to stop any water flows resulting in the opening of all gates. However, Strickland dismissed the effort as "futile."

"We're talking millions of gallons of water, and frankly, these guys couldn't stop a blitzing linebacker, much less nature's destructive fury," Strickland said.

In concert with Strickland's announcement, the Cleveland Visitor & Convention Bureau also announced a new "The Parts of Cleveland That Aren't Underwater or Teeming With Rotting Corpses Rocks!" tourism campaign.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

A Tip for Aspiring Bloggers

Do not make the decision to host your blog on Blogger.com. Invariably, you will a) realize that Blogger isn't able to do some basic stuff (such as jump-cuts for long, individual posts), b) have a weird glitch come up with no explanation (such as why the AddThis buttons have mysteriously disappeared/decided to link to bad pages all of the sudden) and c) find no technical support other than telling you to post to a message board where maybe you won't get horrible advice.

Trust me kids, find another option...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:28 PM 0 comments  

Moss Accused of Running up the Score on Unidentified Female

BOSTON - In what critics are calling another example of the New England Patriots' arrogance and lack of respect for their opponents, star wide receiver Randy Moss was accused today of running up the score on an unidentified woman's face.

"All year, the Patriots have refused to back down, even when the game was well out of reach," said Fox NFL analyst Jay Glazer. "Sources tell me that this woman put up as good of a fight as a 110 lb. female could against a 200-plus pound athlete. But clearly, she was overmatched. The respectful thing for Randy Moss to do would be to stop punching her in the face, or at least bring in a back-up WR or even the punter to finish things out. By staying in until the end, not only did Randy Moss risk injury to his valuable hands, but he did something that was the ultimate in disrespect to this woman. Other than, you know, punching her in the face."

For his part, Moss insisted that he had done nothing wrong.

"I'm a professional athlete, and I've always been taught to finish what you start," Moss said. "I'm sure she understands that as well, and would say so if her mouth wasn't so swollen from me punching her in the face."

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick would not comment on Moss' situation, other than to say in his weekly press conference that there's "always room" for improvement in anything a player does, including punching women in the face.

Moss's opponent was unavailable for comment, as she was recovering from having been repeatedly punched in the face by someone twice her size.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:10 PM 0 comments  

Ken Norton Jr. Breaks Bruin Hearts Again

You know Ken Norton, Jr. All-American linebacker at UCLA. The only player in NFL history to play on three consecutive Super Bowl-winning teams. Wanted to coach at his alma mater after his playing career but was told by Karl Dorrell that there was no room on the staff, he decided to take a job with his former defensive coordinator Pete Carroll at USC. Is now the linebackers coach for the Trojans, a squad that makes it their mission to destroy UCLA offensive players on a yearly basis, almost like someone had something to prove or an axe to grind.

Well, Rick Neuheisel decided to try and make a "big splash" by convincing Norton to come back to UCLA in the same position. And, just like you would think would happen, Norton listened and waited long enough to get Bruins' hopes up, before driving a stake through their hearts by announcing that he's not leaving USC after all.

At least Norm Chow is now available after he received his pink slip from the Titans today. (I found it interesting to read about his firing in the LA Times one day after they said he wasn't a serious candidate at UCLA because he had "just signed a contract extension." Am I missing something here?) Bringing him back as offensive coordinator to compete against Carroll, whom he had a "frosty" relationship with, could be one way to needle USC a bit. Then again, Chow is under the perpetual notion that he's just one interview away from becoming a head coach somewhere, when in fact Chow Yun Fat has a better chance of becoming a head football coach than Norm Chow.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:16 PM 0 comments  

Rare photo of ugly female student shocks Arizona St. community

TEMPE, AZ - Arizona State University officials were scrambling on Tuesday to determine how an unattractive female student was able to be photographed at a recent basketball game - a photo which was then published by CNN/SI and has since rocked the school to its core.

"Arizona State University has a reputation that we need to uphold at all costs," said school President Dr. Michael Crow. "We've forged a singular image in the academic world - that of a place teeming with some of the hottest pieces of co-ed ass imaginable. When you think of Arizona State, you think of one thing only - some nubile 19 year-old with a tan, lithe body, with a snug T-shirt barely covering her supple yet firm breasts. We've worked too hard for to long at building this image to let some...well, let's just say Washington State-caliber student...ruin it for all of us."

The photo in question appeared in a CNN/SI online photo gallery called "College Superfans." Crow promised an immediate investigation into the situation, which he characterized as "extremely complex."

"First off, we need to find out how our PR and marketing team could let this happen," Crow said. "Our entire team of publicists is trained to spot any media camera from up to 200 yards away and immediately direct them towards the most attractive female students. Obviously, something went wrong there. And clearly, we'll have to review our security procedures at home game."

Starting in 1987, Arizona State has offered students who do not meet certain height, weight, cup size and "overall attractiveness" requirements special seating in a section called "The Cow Palace", located in a dark, hidden corner of the stadium or arena. In addition, all "Cow Palace" members are encouraged to wear complimentary masks depicting the current head coach of the sports team playing as a way to "encourage excitement and spirit among our genetically-challenged students."

"Clearly, this person snuck into the general student seating," Crow said. "Whether security thought she was some sort of malted ice cream salesperson, or if she intimidated them through the threat of bulk and force, it's hard to say."

Crow said the University would institute an immediate emergency plan aimed at raising its Overall Hotness Index level back to pre-incident levels. Measures include: an immediate sale on baby doll and cut-off T-shirts at the student bookstore; installation of free tanning booths and beauty salons outside of every on-campus building; contacting Playboy about a "Girls of Arizona State" spread as quickly as possible; and hiring of 10-12 additional Certified Bikini Inspectors to act as a last line of defense.

(Note: There was originally a picture of a female ASU student who, in my opinion, was not up to the usual hotness levels of most Sun Devil coeds (as evidenced below), at the beginning of this post. To placate a handful of Chubby Chasers who got all offended about it avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I took that photo down. Although if you go to the original CNN/SI photo section, I bet you can guess who it is...)

Arizona State co-eds who have met the school's Minimum
Hotness Requirement (MHR) for sitting within camera
range during sporting events indicate that they like kinky sex.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:58 AM 25 comments  

Others Things the Bulls Voted on Besides Benching Joakim Noah

If you didn't catch it yet, members of the Chicago Bulls voted unanimously to bench rookie Joakim Noah for Sunday's game against Atlanta Hawks following a confrontation with assistant coach Ron Adams. A few thoughts:

• It's good to see that his Bulls teammates hate Noah as much as the rest of the civilized world does. Who says that NBA players are out of touch with the rest of society? If we can all agree that Joakim Noah is about as hateable as Puppy Cancer, then maybe there is a chance for society at large.
  
• I can't believe that this the same Ron Adams who took over from semi-legend Boyd Grant at Fresno State and proceeded to run that program into the ground? It just doesn't seem possible that someone that incompetent as a head coach at a mid-major college could then go find job after job in the NBA. (It must be his steady, creepy pose.)
  
• Most importantly, the players get to vote on benching people now? I know that the Bulls have an interim head coach, so maybe he doesn't have quite the power that an actual head coach would have. But this just seems nuts to me. I know that a lot of teams have "kangaroo courts" that issues verdicts on disputes amongst players in order to keep things in-house. But voting on benching players?

Of course, then I was leaked information from a source deep inside the Bulls organization letting me know that the punishment of rookie players is not the only thing the Bulls voted on during that meeting:

• Bill requiring that equipment staff switch to environmentally-friendly laundry detergent passed, 10-5.
• Bill asking that Loul Deng's mother come by one night and cook up some "delicious Chinese food, like that Orange Chicken they have at Panda Express" passed, 14-1.
• Subsequent resolution recognizing that Loul Deng is in fact from the Sudan and not anywhere in Asia, despite what everyone continues to think, fails to pass committee.
• Bill stating that Lou Malnati's is a clearly superior pizza place to Giordano's passes, 8-7, after a contentious, 90-minute debate.
  
• Resolution presented by Mr. Wallace to make sure the new regime knows that it should be OK to wear headbands during games, especially if someone has done so their whole lives, passes 12-3.
• Motion to give 100 percent effort against the Hawks to prove to "that punk kid" that they don't need him failed unanimously.
• Bill authorizing the team to go to a strip club with lots of cash and several questionable hangers-on at 3 a.m. as a "team bonding" experience - WITHOUT JOAKIM NOAH! - to forget about that night's upcoming loss passes 14-0 (Kirk Hinrich abstains because he has to go to Bible Study or some shit like that.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:08 PM 0 comments  

YOUR FACE IS A LIVE BLOG: Chili Bowl PPV Broadcast

Forget the Patriots/Jags game. That's amateur hour. The real excitement is starting in a few minutes, as the first-ever broadcast of the final night of the 22nd annual Chili Bowl, the world's largest midget car race. The top drivers in the open-wheel world are part of the 270+ car contingent. Some NASCAR drivers are there too. Guys you might have heard of like Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne (Stewart is in fact the defending champion).

I'll be here all night, drinking some MGDs and watching as we progress through the night from the "I" feature all the way through "A" main. Needless to say, we'll be here a while.

Do yourself a favor and don't have the NFL shoved down your throat! Order the Chili Bowl on your PPV (you have another half-hour before the broadcast proper starts) and come back here and comment as I blog.
Pre-race - And you're looking live at Tulsa, Oklahoma! Man, that's a lot of people on the telecast. Glad to see that they have actual open wheel guys doing the broadcast. The "Prelude to the Dream" was great, but having the usual Fox NASCAR guys doing the call was a mixed bag - yeah, fans know who they are, and they know the drivers. But they needed someone with short track experience.

If you are curious, here is the line-up for tonight's racing: twin C mains, a B main and then the final A main. Here is who is locked into the various races based on the results of the past week of racing.

I know he is only 16, but somebody needs to Cole Witt how to put some bend into the bill of his cap when he does an interview. When you look like Opie Cunningham to begin with, the dorky, straight bill isn't a big help.

And I doubt he "waved" at Tony Stewart when he passed him for the final transfer spot. Although Tony might have "waved" his middle finger at Cole.

If anyone is curious, Tony Stewart can take a provisional as the defending champion if he doesn't qualify through the preliminary races tonight.

The first C main (like every race from here on out) is stacked. I'm very happy to see Randy "The Hurricane" Hannigan starting fourth - he's a racer from Northern California that I've watched a good portion of my life going to races in the Central Valley. I think of him as more of a sprint car guy, so it's good to see him doing well here.

The driver of "local" interest to me in the other C is Stan Yockey. That actually shocks me a little bit - he's been getting better racing in California in sprint cars, but this is a huge step up in class, and even making it to the C-main is a big achievement.

In case you are curious, here's Yockey getting slammed into at a race in Central California by Ronnie Day at the end of last season, suffering wrist and arm injuries. These guys are tough.

It's now 40 minutes into the broadcast, and still no racing yet. I know there were a lot of highlights to get through, but this is getting ridiculous.

Finally, racing...

C-Main No. 1: First race, first corner...and first flip. Welcome the short track racing on dirt.

Way to miss the crash with two of the five guys in transfer spots, because you're interviewing Crusty French Grimes. Especially since they were the two guys you were spending all of the first part of the race highlighting AND that you had your two in-car cameras in. This does not bode well for the coverage.

Also: Crash Gladys looks about as hot as the Tulsa Hooters Girls - 6 out of 10.

UPDATE: So Kruseman jumped the start and got shuffled to the back? Nice that Shane Stewart had to tell us this instead of one of the 28 people on the coverage team...

C-Main No. 2: And the coverage madness continues. Here's a hint: Joey Saldana is in the yellow Kasey Kahne team car. How hard is this to figure out? My favorite moment: "It might be Ricky Stenhouse Jr. - we'll have to get a better shot to see." This is said as we have a close-up shot of the car from head-on, where you can see "Stenhouse Jr." on the top.

Why the hell was McCarl racing so hard for the lead when he and Jones both had a transfer? Odd.

On the the B-main. So pumped to see Ron Shuman racing again.

B-Main No. 1: Shoe! Shoe! Shoe! They need to be making more of this - Ron Shuman hasn't raced in 10 years, and he's in the A-main. And Buckwalter got totally plowed into - again, thanks to the coverage team for not picking that up until after the fact.

And having seen him at the Oval Nationals in December...Brady Bacon is going to be good...real good.

B-Main No. 2: Brad Sweet got screwed. Pure and simple. And how can they not know who transfered out of the first B-main still? Amateur hour...

Pre A-Main BS: I think heading to the hammered fans in the cheap seats wasn't the best idea. Although why am I not surprised that the fat chick is a big fan of Brady Bacon?

A-Main: Ugh. You hate to see a kid's first Chili Bowl end before it even starts. But like they said on the broadcast, that can happen to anyone. Hell, I saw it happen to Dave Darland at the Oval Nationals this year - except he snap-rolled about five or six times instead of just hitting the wall.

My pick to win? Brad Kunz.

...and that didn't last long. Stupid Terry McCarl...no wonder they all hate him in Knoxville.

I can't express how happy I was to see Damion Gardner win. Beyond the fact that he's a Southern California guy, he's one of the most exciting drivers I've seen in a long time. Which is precisely why I didn't think he would win. Usually, his "excitement" leads to one big screw-up, and with 50 laps and a lot of traffic, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And I almost got it, too. His bicycle on that one restart was about as close as you can get to flip a car without actually doing it. That was his race-ending mistake...but somehow, he saved the car and kept going. Then things broke his way: the track never slicked off, he got enough yellow flags to stay out of traffic (where bad things usually happen to overly aggressive drivers) and Dave Darland held up Shane Cottle (who I think would have caught Damion and made it very interesting if he could have passed Darland for second).

So, that's the end of the 2008 Chili Bowl. I hope that anyone who was watching it tonight enjoyed it. And if this was your first time watching a short-track, open wheel race, I hope you liked it enough to visit your local track once the season starts and check it out live - TV is great, but like hockey, it really is a different experience in person.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:26 PM 2 comments  

"Miguel" Simpson in Even More Trouble

From the AP, via Yahoo!:

LAS VEGAS - O.J. Simpson is in custody in Florida on allegations that he violated terms of his release on bail by calling one of his co-defendants in a Las Vegas armed robbery case, a court official said Friday.

Prosecutors allege that Simpson, identifying himself as "Miguel," telephoned Clarence "C.J." Stewart on Nov. 16 and expressed frustration with Stewart's testimony at a preliminary hearing, court spokesman Michael Sommermeyer said.

I mean, you have to be fucking kidding me, right? "Miguel"? I would at least expected a slightly more unique alias, such as "Pay-Dro Goo-Rer-Ro".

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:22 PM 0 comments  

Flying dirt, midgets and a big, hot steamy Chili Bowl

It might be hard to believe, but my beneath my suave, sophisticated exterior lurks a secret. Something so dark that only my closest friends know it, but because of the shame that it would cause me and the embarrassment it causes them, it's something that we never talk about. Since I've been doing this blog for several months now, though, this secret has been an anchor that is like an albatross on my neck, forcing me to mix metaphors just to explain it. But if you, dear reader, are going to be invested in this blog, I feel like the truth, however ugly or shocking, needs to come out.

Here it goes:

I am a redneck. I go to Dollywood for vacations. I get very excited about seeing The General Lee at Cooter's in the Smokies. And I love dirt track racing. I've been going since I was about four years old - it's one of the earliest memories I have, going to the local dirt track outside of Fresno with my dad and brother. And it's something that I've held onto ever since. Sprint car and midget car racing

Is part of it nostalgia? Perhaps, but the bottom line is that I also think it's the best form of racing that you can see as a spectator. Why?

The format: Do you try to watch NASCAR on occasion, but cannot sit through four hours of nothing much happening, just to get to the final 30 laps when all the interesting stuff is taking place? Imagine if the race itself was just those final 30 laps? That's pretty much what dirt track racing is. The typical format will have several short (usually 8 to 12 laps, depending on the size of the track) heats or qualifying races, and then a main event that is typically between 30 and 40 laps. So all the good stuff is compressed into compact, bite-sized packets of entertainment. Perfect for your short-attention span, YouTube-addicted, Internet-addled minds!
All action, all the time: The typical main event has up to 24 cars on a track that ranges in size from a quarter-mile to a half-mile long. So instead of lap after lap of cars strung out throughout the track, with no passing or excitement whatsoever, on a dirt track there is always action - with battles for position, leaders trying to get through lapped traffic, etc.
The atmosphere: Until you go to a race, it's hard to explain why it's so much fun. Consider it part sporting event, part county fair (which isn't surprising, since a lot of tracks are on county fairground sites). There's BBQ, popcorn and lots of cheap beer in the concession stands. The fans are very friendly, often with a mouthful of chaw or said beer. And the cars themselves: a sprint car can get well beyond 125 mph at a fast track, something that is always lost on TV. Add to that the smell of gasoline and burning rubber (and again, beer and chaw), and it's quite the sensory experience.
Big crashes: Anyone who says that they are fans of racing, but don't get excited for crashes is, quite frankly, delusional/a lair/Communist. Tell Boris to go back to the Mother Country, or to admit to himself that seeing a big crash is part of the thrill of going to a track. Obviously, part of the visceral thrill is the sigh of relief and the amazement when someone walks away from a seemingly vicious crash, and no one (except for some goons on YouTube, I'm sure), want to see people get hurt or killed. And there really isn't anything more spectacular than an open-wheel sprint car or midget car crash, as you can see for yourself. (Note: I have yet to see a crash video on YouTube not set to God Awful Nu Metal. If you have any taste in music, you'll want to turn down your speakers.)

Why do I bring this all up now? Because you might not know it, but this is one of the biggest weekends of the year for open wheel racing fans. It's the weekend of the 22nd Annual Chili Bowl, held in the former Convention Center in Tulsa, OK. This is the Super Bowl of midget car racing.

How big is this race? They expect more than 25,000 people to watch the finals on Saturday night, including many people who won't actually be able to see the track but will pay just to have a view of the scoreboard. There were, at last count, 274 entries for the race, all looking to fill 24 spots in the main event. Pretty much, if you are an open wheel driver in the United States, you are here. It's a veritable who's who of drivers, including people that even casual fans know. Tony Stewart is the defending champion of the race. Other NASCAR drivers such as JJ Yeley and Kasey Kahne will be there, too.

The exciting news this year is the HBO is going to offer live, flag-to-flag coverage of the final night of racing on Saturday as a PPV event, and NASCAR.com is going to offer live, streaming coverage of tonight's preliminary races start at 8 p.m. Eastern. The success of HBO's PPV of the "Prelude to the Dream" at Eldora last season apparently has sparked interested in more open wheel coverage, which is obviously great news for the sport.

I can't urge you strongly enough to watch the racing from the Chili Bowl this weekend. Like it or not, I'll be giving updates through the week, and may possibly be doing the site's first LIVE BLOG OF AN EVENT on Saturday. To give you a taste, here are some highlights from last year's action (note: same disclaimer about crappy Nu Metal from the last video applies).

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:59 AM 1 comments  

Tilghman Comments on LPGA Players Questioned

ORLANDO, FL - One day after suspending anchor Kelly Tilghman for joking that the best way for other golfers to stop Tiger Woods would be to "lynch him in a back alley", The Golf Channel announced today that it was reviewing Tilghman's comments about LPGA Tour golfers after reports of other inappropriate comments surfaced.

A blog entry on Golfing Report Magazine chronicled at least a dozen questionable remarks made by Tilghman about prominent LPGA golfers over the past several seasons on recap shows such as The 19th Hole.

Among the remarks mentioned in the article:

• On Morgan Pressel (who is Jewish), after she won the Kraft Nabisco Championship at age 18: "If she keeps this kind of play up, the other players are going to need to put her on the Kindertransport if they want to win again."
• On No. 1 ranked golfer Lorena Ochoa (from Mexico): "That was such a dominating performance, the only thing that could have stopped her was a call to INS and a trip in a van back over the border."
• On superstar Annika Sorenstam (from Sweden), after a tough defeat at the 2007 Mastercard Classic: "Perhaps she should take a cue from so many of her countrymen and kill herself."
• On former major winner Se Ri Pak (from Korea): "It looks like she's put on some weight in the time off since her injury - maybe she needs to add more salads and less Chicken Fried Cat."
• On former Player of the Year Karrie Webb (from Australia): "And after missing the par putt to get into the tournament, she probably feels just like she does when she gets done being double-team by a pair of drunken kangaroos. Which I'm sure she does, all the time. Because she's Australian.
• On Women's British Open winner and sex symbol Natalie Gulbis: "You have to wonder if she wouldn't be more successful if she spent more time practicing and less time being such a skanky ho-bag whore."
  

Golf Channel officials said that they would have to review tapes of the broadcasts to see what context the statements were made in.

"Obviously, this is not the kind of thing that we condone on our broadcasts, ever," said Golf Channel spokesperson Jim McGurty. "But to be honest, no one pays a lot of attention to what anyone says about the LPGA Tour, so it's pretty understandable how this could have slipped past us. Broads playing golf - give me a fucking break."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:21 PM 0 comments  

Hey new readers!

If you're new to the site, visit the archives and see what you've missed.

If you've been reading for a while, please don't let the new readers know how shabby things are around here. I'm begging you.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:16 PM 0 comments  

I'm Officially Skeptical of the New Reggie Bush Expose

Not because I think it's dramatically inconceivable that he accepted cash and other favors from a sports agent/marketer when he was at USC. That kind of seems hard not to believe. What I'm skeptical of is that the majority of the revelations in "Tarnished Heisman" are from, to quote the Los Angeles Times story today, "interviews with Lloyd Lake, who tried to secure Bush as a client for the marketing company he and others attempted to launch." And on top of that, the book's authors admit that they compensated Lake for agreeing to participate in the book.

Let's see: a whole book based on the claims of a disgruntled person with shady past and a grudge to settle, who is paid by the authors for his troubles. Yeah, I can't imagine that there's any blurring of the lines of journalistic integrity there. There would be no reason for the authors, after paying Lake, to pressure him to ensure that the revelations had sufficient sizzle and offered new, shocking claims not already uncovered by Yahoo! Sports. Except for the fact that, apparently, without that, they have no book.

The whole thing is dodgy. I give it a week before it's completely off the news cycle

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:08 PM 1 comments  

Carroll Seriously Considering Blackmailing Garrett for Annual Pay Raise

LOS ANGELES - Sources close to Pete Carroll said today that after discussions with Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank about his team's head coaching vacancy, the USC Trojans head football coach is "seriously considering" receiving another lucrative pay raise from USC athletic director Mike Garrett.

"He's very close to making it known to athletic department officials that he's seriously considering leaving for the NFL," said the source. "Obviously, it's been a dream of his to return to the NFL. It's hard to put a price on that, although I'm sure that another million dollars or so a year from USC might be about right."

Garrett, who has given Carroll several contract extensions after the coach has flirted with several NFL teams in recent years, responded to the reports.

"I mean, he wouldn't leave here for Atlanta, right?," Garrett said in a brief interview while chainsmoking half a pack of Kools. "I mean, that place is a mess, right? And this is the best atmosphere in the country. He'd be crazy to leave. I know they're offering him total control, but he has that here. Why go back to the NFL!?!"

Garrett then alternated between manically laughing and violent weeping for several minutes before excusing himself to "make an emergency phone call."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:40 PM 1 comments  

BCS Title Game: The Morning After

Driving into work this morning, and then reading some of the blogosphere, there seemed to be an overwhelming consensus about why LSU beat Ohio St. 38-24 in the BCS Title Game last night: The Tigers simply had better athletes than the Buckeyes. "Too fast, too strong, too tough to contain!" is the refrain that I'm hearing over and over again. And while yes, the conventional wisdom is that Big Ten teams simply don't have the elite level of athletes that SEC schools do, I don't think it's that simple.

Getting past our preconceived notions, last night's game was simple, and brought up an equally disturbing trend that I've noticed among Big Ten schools: they simply cannot pass block. A big part of this, I think, goes back to where you come from. While Big Ten schools like Ohio St. might go cross-country to recruit skill players, the meat of their offensive line recruiting comes from the Midwest. And most high school teams in the Midwest are still run-first in nature. Offensive linemen don't work on pass blocking in the Midwest as much as they do in the West Coast or the South, where high school teams have much more balanced offenses. And pass blocking is a technique-based skill, versus run blocking which is much more about physical ability, size and power. You can try to teach pass blocking in college, but if the skills weren't developed in high school, you've got a long way to go.

I'll use my personal observations watching USC play Big Ten teams in the recent Rose Bowls as an example. In last year's Rose Bowl, Michigan's Chad Henne was sacked six times. In the 2004 Rose Bowl, Michigan's John Navarre was sacked nine times. This would kind of lead you to believe that this is just a problem with the Wolverines' offensive line. But in this year's Rose Bowl, Juice Williams was sacked five times by USC. The same "elusive" Juice Williams that was supposed to give USC fits all game. And make no mistake, the Illini has a lot of talent on offense - besides Williams, Rashard Mendenhall is going to be playing on Sundays, and Arrelious Benn was heavily recruited by USC.

But Illinois, like Michigan teams before them, could not cope with a sustained pass rush, and had no idea how to adjust to the variety of blitz packages USC was sending at them. These weren't just sacks, they were "linebackers coming in untouched and crushing the quarterback like an empty beer can" sacks.

Flash forward to last night. Ohio St. had shown early on that they had speed and athleticism at skill positions - witness Beanie Wells blowing past everyone for a 65-yard TD run on their first series. But if your line is getting pushed back play after play, it's going to wear on your line and they are going to start getting killed in the second half. And that's just what happened. They couldn't run, and Boeckman was scrambling for his life. Five sacks of Boeckman and a costly fumble on fourth down later, and that is pretty much that.

Again, it's history repeating - the Buckeyes were sacked five times in last year's BCS Title Game loss to an SEC team (Florida). Say all you will about "coping with speed" or "athletic disadvantages" - the thing that is holding the Big Ten back is their total inability to pass block, plain and simple. Get a Big Ten team down, where they have to pass and the defense can pin their ears back and rush hard? Look out.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:35 AM 5 comments