TEMPE, AZ - Arizona State University officials were scrambling on Tuesday to determine how an unattractive female student was able to be photographed at a recent basketball game - a photo which was then published by CNN/SI and has since rocked the school to its core.
"Arizona State University has a reputation that we need to uphold at all costs," said school President Dr. Michael Crow. "We've forged a singular image in the academic world - that of a place teeming with some of the hottest pieces of co-ed ass imaginable. When you think of Arizona State, you think of one thing only - some nubile 19 year-old with a tan, lithe body, with a snug T-shirt barely covering her supple yet firm breasts. We've worked too hard for to long at building this image to let some...well, let's just say Washington State-caliber student...ruin it for all of us."
The photo in question appeared in a CNN/SI online photo gallery called "College Superfans." Crow promised an immediate investigation into the situation, which he characterized as "extremely complex."
"First off, we need to find out how our PR and marketing team could let this happen," Crow said. "Our entire team of publicists is trained to spot any media camera from up to 200 yards away and immediately direct them towards the most attractive female students. Obviously, something went wrong there. And clearly, we'll have to review our security procedures at home game."
Starting in 1987, Arizona State has offered students who do not meet certain height, weight, cup size and "overall attractiveness" requirements special seating in a section called "The Cow Palace", located in a dark, hidden corner of the stadium or arena. In addition, all "Cow Palace" members are encouraged to wear complimentary masks depicting the current head coach of the sports team playing as a way to "encourage excitement and spirit among our genetically-challenged students."
"Clearly, this person snuck into the general student seating," Crow said. "Whether security thought she was some sort of malted ice cream salesperson, or if she intimidated them through the threat of bulk and force, it's hard to say."
Crow said the University would institute an immediate emergency plan aimed at raising its Overall Hotness Index level back to pre-incident levels. Measures include: an immediate sale on baby doll and cut-off T-shirts at the student bookstore; installation of free tanning booths and beauty salons outside of every on-campus building; contacting Playboy about a "Girls of Arizona State" spread as quickly as possible; and hiring of 10-12 additional Certified Bikini Inspectors to act as a last line of defense.
(Note: There was originally a picture of a female ASU student who, in my opinion, was not up to the usual hotness levels of most Sun Devil coeds (as evidenced below), at the beginning of this post. To placate a handful of Chubby Chasers who got all offended about it avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I took that photo down. Although if you go to the original CNN/SI photo section, I bet you can guess who it is...)
Arizona State co-eds who have met the school's MinimumHotness Requirement (MHR) for sitting within camera
range during sporting events indicate that they like kinky sex.
25 comments:
I thought the "cow palace" was a place called tucson?
Having spent Christmas week there, I think Tucson is actually called "The Barn Out in the Desert Where They Make Crystal Meth from Crushed Up Sudafed".
Close, though.
I always thought the "MHR" was an admission requirement for the whole school, not just the b-ball seats.
Let me tell you something about the anonymous girl you've decided to ridicule from afar you doughfaced schmuck. She's a better person than you'll ever dream of being. I've known her for almost a year now, and she's one of the most dedicated, vociferous fans Arizona State athletics has. I guarantee Lisa Love wishes we had 1,000 more just like her.
Now there's an amazingly good chance that she doesn't even know you've decided to poke fun at her since she's busy contributing to society's greater good while you're most likely sitting there behind you're iMac alt-Tabbing between your depressing blog and whatever bestiality porn site you decided to subscribe to this month. Let me ask you, though, all of your comedic, sarcasm and satirical defenses aside. What does your mother look like? Your sister? Your girlfriend or wife? Would you care necessarily if if was their picture attached to a blog like this?
Look, don't worry. I'm not losing any sleep over this. This is just a knee-jerk reaction to some schmo like you singling out a nobody, who normally I wouldn't give two licks about except this time I know her to be a very good person. I hope you feel like king of the world tonight, my friend. I'm sure you're destined for greatness in this life.
I don't appreciate being defamed: I would never use an iMac.
In case you are curious, my wife is a more smoldering Juliette Moore, while my mother and sisters all resemble a more virginal and pure Audrey Hepburn.
But yes, you are right: I do feel like king of the world. Thanks for asking - although I'm glad you aren't spending too much time worrying about it. With ASU's rigorous academic standards, I know you'll need to spend all of your time studying if you want to graduate in seven or eight years like every other ASU graduate I know.
Dude, that's not cool, and if the girl sees, this you are hurting feelings. I get the humor, but not at someone else's expense.
I hope you pull the article, man.
Hats off to Peanut Gallery. Duke of Kickball isn't fooling anyone. Just another maladjusted computer geek who's never gotten closer to a real girl than the porn he finds online. Waste of space on earth. Whoever the girl in the picture is, she's doubtless more attractive, and absolutely worth more as a person, than this pathetic, sad little programmer.
To be fair, I've never hid the fact that I am what I am: Hot Sex on a Stick
what a dick.
But if I can be serious for a moment...
Compromise time: I'm leaving the story up (because it's funny), but taking down the photo. Having the photo was a bit...excessive, and a little bit of poor judgment on my part. (Especially the red arrow.)
Let's be honest - we've all laughed at the latest YouTube video of someone falling down five flights of stairs, or of a picture of some poor bastard being "powned". It's a pretty gray area where that's OK and something else isn't. Erring on the side of caution is always appropriate, I guess.
So to the woman in question and anyone who was offended, my apologies.
And all hail Satan!
Dude funny story. I have a good friend that graduated from Washington State, I had to forward this to him. Those chick in the picture below are hot!
The peanut gallery coming in and reading the riot act. Wow, nice work.
The post was funny. Get over yourselves already.
But really, shouldn't we blame the whole online community? And if the whole online community is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our society in general? I put it to you, peanut gallery - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!
Hey I have no problem with promoting the "talented" female students at my alma mater but not at some poor girl's expense. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder and ASU has all sorts of beautiful women. To say someone is ugly is just plain mean spirited. Thanks for taking the picture down though. That young lady does not deserve any ridicule as most of us are well aware of our strengths and weaknesses. She may not measure up to your standards but the mere fact that she is celebrating a big ASU win over UofA on the court makes her cool in my book. Like anyone she has the potential to go work out and improve her looks or perhaps she is happy with herself the way she is? Either way it's a little over the top to single out a single person. I typically just pick on capable people who do stupid things!
i will agree with the "duke" that imac's suck, but they are better looking so maybe i need to start using one...
As a current senior at ASU (graduating in 4 years at one of the best business programs in the country btw), I want everyone to know that we are mobilizing as a student body to ensure that something like this never happens again. Although only 95 out of 100 ASU women are smoking hot, we will do everything we can to put our best foot forward when the cameras start clicking.
Dear Peanut Gallery,
You are dumb and have no sense of humor. Enjoy life as a miserable cunt.
kickball-
i thought those two were very attractive women. i dotn know what you're all fussy over. that aside, its nice to see there are still people in this world that think the reputation your alma mater had in the 80's and 90's dictates your potential for success in the real world. please, have some kids...we will need more people like you to be our janitors, mailmen, etc. ive done more with my ASU education than many of my friends who went to ivy league schools. in fact, i know more under-30 self-made millionaires that came from ASU than i do any other school. im done with my diatribe...i'll let you get back to your barnyard porn.
Raise your hand if you realize this article is a fictional work of humor.
All right, I see five hands...and one of them is the author.
Please, try to keep up.
dude you're a fucking jackass. there are other ways to get your funny point across without screwing over one particular person. stop buying for attention as other people's expense and go fuck yourself
I love how all you people ripping the author, are basically ripping into someone they don't know. But yet the author was doing the exact same thing. I'm sure the author loves his barnyard porn, ugly as sin, he's a jackass, etc.... Ooops I forgot one thing, the author has a great sense of humor.
I still laugh about this article. Its awesome.
The girls in the picture aren't the "ugly" ones named in the headline. I can see how that would cause confusion. Geez Duke of Kickball, clarity. Come on.
Oh la la, Sassoon!
Lame-moh ... when I read this 'opinion', I think of those zit-faced kids going down the street with their lowered Honda Accords playing loud music that's rattling their plastic-chrome spinners ... "Oh, look at me. I'm deprived of attention and will whore myself to get attention from anyone."
I think the writer of this article is a closet gay, and actually likes the fat, bald dude in the picture.
Oh, it's a shocker!
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