One half of the NBA Finals is set

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Lakers, for re-enacting the last scene from "Old Yeller" last night, only in this case the dog was the San Antonio Spurs and there was a lot less crying. I know that Kobe Bryant is a polarizing figure, and he's done everything to deserve any bad feelings anyone might have about him. But that being said...I can't imagine how any fan without a rooting interest would rather have seen the Spurs play in the Finals versus the Lakers. The Lakers were clearly the better team, and certainly the more entertaining to watch.

And, Kobe's "we're used to playing in the Finals" comment after the game, they are a new face in the Finals. Which they accomplished by specifically NOT BEING THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS. We've seen Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobli, etc., for long enough to know what to expect from them: solid, "fundamentally sound" basketball that leaves you about as impressed an excited as a WNBA game. The Lakers are always a wild card: Kobe might score two points in the first half and then 30 in the second. Lamar Odom might dominate, or disappear. Phil Jackson might have a shit-eating grin on his face while saying something snide and sarcastic to Michelle Tafoya at halftime (OK, that's pretty much a guarantee).

Here's my confession about basketball: I don't have an NBA team. I used to be a huge fan of the Showtime Lakers when I was growing up. I mean, seriously, if you were a kid in California in the 1980s, there was no team that was cooler or that you would have wanted to be on more - in any sport - than the Lakers. The 49ers might have been just as if not more successful, but they were about as "exciting" as their leader. While Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and company were all about hard work and that bullshit your parents tried to teach you, the Lakers were glitz and glamour and more than anything else, about style. The 49ers would get you to the top, but the Lakers would get you laid, so to speak.

But I gave up on the Lakers a few years ago. Mainly it was the Kobe/Shaq/Phil drama - there had always been some drama with the Lakers (hello Magic "Coach Killer" Johnson), but never had it seemed so venal and petty. And the fans...oh Lord, the fans. Maybe growing up several hundred miles away insulated me from the mass of Laker fans. Maybe we didn't have talk radio 24/7 lime we do now. Or maybe Chick Hearn being around to cut off an idiot caller on Post Game Laker Talk was enough to keep people in line, but the endless rounds of "Kobe is the best" followed by "Kobe needs to go" followed by "Shaq should have stayed" and on and on...it just drove me past the breaking point.

(Actually, the breaking point is the thousands of Lakers flags that mysteriously appear on car windows during the playoffs when the Lakers were doing well byt suddenly disappeared as soon as they were knocked out.)

So, will I be rooting for the Lakers? Yeah, I guess. I sure as hell can't root for Boston or Detroit, that's for sure. But will I be that broken up if they get swept? Not really.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:11 AM 3 comments  

Well, there goes that...

Hey, Boston Celtics: remember all that hard work that went into that long, grueling regular season to make sure that you got the No. 1 seed in the Eastern Conference and with it, home court advantage? It's amazing that all it took was one off night (where the team really wasn't that off) to see that go "poof" in a cloud of green smoke. Last night's 103-97 loss to the Detroit Pistons leveled their Eastern Conference Finals series at 1-1, which normally wouldn't be cause for alarm. Except that the Celtics now have to do something they haven't done all post-season: win a game on the road.

Equally bad news: Doc Rivers hinted in the post-game comments that Sam Cassell might see some playing time in Game 3. I know several Celtics fans who are loading up their pistols to shoot out their TVs in advance in case this happens.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:43 AM 0 comments  

Lester no-hitter leaves little room for snark

I didn't post about Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester's no-hitter from last night for a very good reason: what else can I say? (And also in response to the smug tone of Boston sports fans that is symbolized by Dan Shaughnessy's column linked above. And an embarrassment of riches? Wow, your basketball was taken to seven games in both series against far weaker teams, and your football team fell flat on its face at the doorstep of history. Note to all Boston sports fans who wonder why everyone else is getting to hate them: this is why.)

But back to the topic at hand - less than two years ago, we was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphomia. And now - he's been the winning pitcher in a World Series clinching game and he's thrown a no-hitter to boot. Throw in the fact that he's by all accounts a great kid, and it's a story that not even the most venal and snarky blogger could ruin.
















But man, aren't Boston fans a bunch of assholes?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:14 PM 1 comments  

Bush gives up golf to support troops; Singh taken to Guantanamo Bay as possible terrorist sympathizer

WASHINGTON, DC - Coming days after President Bush declared that he had given up golf to show his solidarity with US troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, champion golfer Vijay Singh was arrested for "suspicion of supporting terrorists" and reportedly shipped to the government's Guantanamo Bay detention facility.

Singh was seen being led away from the driving range at the TPC Sawgrass course near Atlanta by several men in dark suits and into a white, unmarked van. PGA Tour officials would not comment on Singh's disappearance, but Singh's Web page on the PGATour.com Web site has been ominously marked "DNP" for the rest of the season.

White House spokesperson Dana Perino would not confirm or deny reports of Singh's detention at the notorious US military base located in Cuba, citing "national security interests."

"All I can say is that when we are at war, anyone living in the United States should follow the lead of the President," Perino said. "Clearly, if someone were to continue to do something that the President, in his infinite wisdom, has personally decided to not do out of respect for the troops, then I would think there would be reason to question if they are providing comfort and perhaps aid, to terrorists."

This would be especially true, Perino said, if said person were dark-skinned, and from a far-away country such as Fiji that may or may not have a significant Muslim population.

"I don't know much about Fiji, but I know that it's in the Pacific Ocean, and so was Bali and we all know what kinds of terrorist activities they have there," Perino said.

Tiger Woods released a statement through Nike in response to Singh's disappearance and possible detention. In the statement, he expressed sympathy for Singh's family but said he did not want to speculate on Singh's possible ties to terrorism. He also said that his recent knee surgery was not healing as well as previously hoped for, and that he might not be able to play golf "until some point on or after January 20, 2009 at the earliest."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:43 PM 0 comments  

Uecker Stalker Redeemed

Ignore what is I'm sure an intense game of ping-pong taking place center stage in the photo. Ping pong is for suckers. Why play ping pong when you can play beer pong?

Instead, feast your eyes on the tall drink of awesome on the right side of the picture sporting the super tight trunks and silvery tuft of chest hair. It's the one and only Bob Uecker.

If this picture doesn't put a stirring in the loins of the ladies of retirement communities nationwide, I don't know what will.

Also, I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

yes, Uecker had a crazy stalker. Pic from this week's Sports Illustrated.

Posted by McLane at 2:12 PM 1 comments  

Why the Javelin Catch is not an Olympic sport

I used to cover high school track & field, and my No. 1 goal at any meet was to not get hit by a javelin, discus, shot put, or anything thrown during a field event. (My No. 2 goal was usually trying to find a cool, shady area to sleep off my hangover.) Despite my general cluelessness and propensity for accidents, keeping my own personal safety top of mind help me avoid any problems.

I guess this guy needs to reevaluate his priorities: a photographer for the Standard-Examiner based out of Ogden, UT was struck in the leg by a javelin thrown during the Utah state high school track and field championships. The injury was described as superficial...

"...lifting the skin on the front side of McGeeney's leg without hitting the bone just below the knee.

Wilkey said McGeeney never lost consciousness and was laughing with medical personnel while he was being taken care of. The javelin was cut off, leaving the tip inside the leg so medical personnel could transport McGeeney in the ambulance."

First, any injury that involves leaving the tip of a javelin inside any part of my body is not "superficial," no matter how life-threatening it is. And if that was me, I wouldn't be "laughing" with the medical personnel. "Crying and screaming that I have a javelin in my leg" would be a better way to describe it.

The big unanswered question that I have: did they count the kid's throw from where it hit the photographer, or the photographer fell after he was struck? Because if it's the latter, the least the guy could have done was limp to record territory before collapsing...

(Original link credit to Deadspin)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:18 PM 1 comments  

Peralta admits he is tanking this season just to screw over your Fantasy team

CLEVELAND - Indians shortstop Jhonny Peralta admitted to reporters yesterday that he is purposefully under performing at the plate this season in an attempt to ruin your fantasy baseball team.

"Of course, this off-season my goal was to get myself in shape and ready to have the best season I possibly could," Peralta said after a 1-for-2 performance against the Reds that "lifted" his average to .225. "But then I thought to myself 'I bet that a-hole built his whole draft strategy on getting me as a 'steal' in the fourth round. Wouldn't it be a riot if I tanked this season just to screw him over?' So that's what I did."

Peralta also admitted that his brief spurts of hitting during the course of the season have been done just to get your hopes up and keep you from trading him.

"By showing flashes of brilliance, I'm able to keep (you) thinking that I'm going to be pulling out of this slump now and returning to last year's form, said Peralta, referring to his .271 average with 21 home runs last season. "And just when (you) put me back into the line-up, BAM! I come back with another 1-for-18 streak."

Peralta also noted that he has purposefully focused on hitting home runs with the bases empty just to get you more irritated with him for having a decent 8 home runs but an implausible 15 RBI.

If you are unhappy with him, Peralta suggested that you trade him for Brewers slugger Prince Fielder, who is "sure to be coming out of his slump any day now," Peralta said. "I just talked with him the other day, and (you) should expect big, big things out of him in the second half of the season."

Peralta then proceeded to giggle for the next few minutes before shooing reporters from his locker.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:02 PM 0 comments  

Wasting Time at Work: On Pau Gasol, Rasheed Wallace and Lindsay Hunter Being Fat and Useless

fknmclane and I hchat via IM about sports. A lot. In order to capture the essence of our geniusness, I'm starting a new, occasional series called "Wasting Time at Work", where we run these IM conversations raw and unfiltered. It's an uncensored behind-the-scenes look at what makes a sports blog tick. You'll be shocked, amazed and enthralled, to be sure. Complete with helpful footnotes!

[09:24] THE DUKE: I had two big realizations watching the Jazz/Lakers game last night
[09:24] THE DUKE: 1. Deron Williams is amazing, even better than I thought
[09:24] THE DUKE: 2. The Pau Gasol deal might go down as one of the most one-sided trades in NBA history
[09:25] FKNMCLANE: agreed on both points
[09:25] FKNMCLANE: all this stuff about bynum, the lakers don't even need him...because they have gasol
[09:25] THE DUKE: It's to the point where I have friends who are casual sports fans coming up to me and asking "couldn't the Commissioner have vetoed that trade like in my Fantasy Football league?"
[09:26] FKNMCLANE: right
[09:26] FKNMCLANE: it really was that bad
[09:26] FKNMCLANE: especially since kwame brown averaged 10 minutes a game in memphis and got a dozen or so DNP-CDs
[09:27] THE DUKE: Hey! But at least they have cap space for free agents!
[09:27] THE DUKE: Because bringing in someone like Corey Maggette is really going to turn that franchise around
[09:28] FKNMCLANE: that's the sad thing...it's fkn Memphis(1)
[09:28] FKNMCLANE: maggette is the best they'll be able to get
[09:31] THE DUKE: I can't remember the last time a team that won a championship brought in some midseason (either as a signing or a trade pick up) this valuable
[09:32] FKNMCLANE: sheed took the pistons to the next level
[09:32] THE DUKE: Yeah, I was just typing that
[09:34] FKNMCLANE: but at least that trade wasn't ridiculously lopsided...the pistons definitely made out like fkn bandits but not in the laker sense
[09:34] THE DUKE: IS the Lakers getting Gasol from Memphis as much of a steal as the Pistons getting Sheed for Bobby Sura, Zeljko Rebraca and a #1?
[09:35] THE DUKE: and I guess Chucky Atkins and Lindsey "Fat" Hunter(2)
[09:36] FKNMCLANE: keep in mind sheed was at the height of his insanity though
[09:36] THE DUKE: It's funny to think that Sheed was basically TO five years ago
[09:36] FKNMCLANE: that was when he was completely unpredictable, led the league in technical fouls, and right after he burned every bridge in the greater portland area(3)
[09:36] FKNMCLANE: yeah
[09:36] THE DUKE: Or Milton Bradley or someone like that
[09:36] THE DUKE: Now, he's Mr. Team Player
[09:37] FKNMCLANE: just fatter
[09:37] THE DUKE: I mean, Randy Moss isn't the poster child for "we're going to take a chance on a guy with questionable character."
[09:37] THE DUKE: It's Sheed
[09:37] THE DUKE: Now, if anyone gave a shit about the NBA Hall of Fame(4), we'd be arguing if he should be in there
[09:38] FKNMCLANE: i say he doesn't
[09:39] FKNMCLANE: simply because while he's an incredible player, he has the ability to be even better...now, not so much, but the past five years or so, he really left a lot to be desired
[09:39] FKNMCLANE: barkley is kinda right about him...he coul have been an all-time great
[09:39] THE DUKE: plus, he has mange
[09:41] FKNMCLANE: is that what the white spot is called?
[09:41] THE DUKE: That's what I call it
[09:41] THE DUKE: If your dog started developing that shit, your vet would charge you $200 for medicine.

(1) The sad part is that I love Memphis – it’s one of my favorite cities ever to visit. That being said, they will never, ever, ever get free agents there. – The Duke
(2) It’s bad enough to be a pro sports athlete with a girl’s name. It’s worse when you are fat and useless. But when you are both of these things, and then blame your wife’s diet pills after testing positive for a banned substance, you’ve hit the Triple Crown of Sucking. – The Duke
(3) And there are a lot of bridges in Portland. And as JR Rider will tell you, many of them will lead you to places like Medford where they are lynching people. – The Duke
(4) I’d like to see a list of less important Halls of Fame. – The Duke

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:30 AM 0 comments  

Walsh finds Rams Super Bowl tape on table, wonders if he sent porn to NFL by mistake

Former New England Patriots assistant Matt Walsh today found a tape of the Rams' pre-Super Bowl XXXVI walk through on his entertainment stand, leading him to wonder if he accidentally sent a porn tape to the NFL by mistake.

"I remember I had the Super Bowl tape on the entertainment stand, and then I swear I put it in the envelope the next morning," Walsh said. "But then later that night, about 1 a.m., I decided to unwind from all the stress with some, um, 'adult entertainment'. Did I take that tape out of the VCR in put it in the envelope, thinking it was the Super Bowl tape? Fuck."

Walsh spent the majority of the morning going through his adult film collection to see if any frequent films were missing after discovering the Super Bowl tape. He was dismayed to learn that a favorite adult film entitled "Rammed and Jammed 4" could not be located, even after a vigorous search.

"I had a date over the other day, so I did a 'porn sweep' and hid everything I had out," Walsh said. "I checked all of my usual hiding places - under my bed, my spare golf bag, the guitar case I have that doesn't have a guitar - and it wasn't there. Did I see the phrase 'rammed' on the label and get confused? Shit."

Walsh has considered phoning the NFL to let them know about his error, but he's decided to "play it cool and try not to freak out about it." If the NFL does contact him about the porn tape, Walsh plans to claim that it was "an old frat brother playing a joke on him."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was unavailable for comment. League spokesperson Greg Aiello said that Goodell was "pouring over" the tapes Walsh had sent over, a process that might require several days, a locked room and plenty of tissues.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:16 AM 0 comments  

In Search Of...The Curse of the SI Swimsuit Issue Couples

Somebody get Leonard Nimoy on the case, because this is spooky.

Take a quick look at this list, focusing only on the couples featured. A frightening pattern develops.

Quite a few have had what can be described as, depending on your definition, issues. Let's have a look at a few to see where they were and how the mighty have fallen:













Shaun Alexander

Before: 2005 MVP, endearing gap teeth, Madden cover boy, on top of the world

After: Annoying gap teeth, cut by the Seahawks in 2008 after becoming known more for falling down into boatloads of money after first contact than for rushing and touchdown totals













Roger Clemens

Before: arguably the greatest right-handed pitcher ever, super gazillionaire, appearance in Kingpin, confident enough at 40 to rock the frosted tips

After: steroids and HGH abuser/cheater, porker of 15 year old country stars, weasly enough to blame HGH purchases on his wife, all-around douchebag













Chuck Finley

Before: tall, dark and handsome left-handed pitcher with good stuff and a music video vixen on his arm, a match made in heaven

After: tall, dark and handsome left-handed pitcher with subpar stuff and a stilletto-shaped hole in his forehead inflicted by coked-up former music video vixen, a match made in hell











Allan Houston

Before: the toast of New York after helping to lead the Knicks to the '99 NBA Finals, deadly long-range shooter, signer of ridiculous contract

After: currently out of the league due to health issues, role in Black and White, name given to ridiculous NBA Collective Bargain Agreement Rule













Richard Jefferson

Before: high-flying forward teamed up with Jason Kidd on a Nets team consistently contending for the NBA's Eastern Conference title

After: Kidd-less, locked in long-term with Vince Carter, crazy looking ears, choker of Minnesota birthday boys

Speaking of which....













Jason Kidd

Before: proud purchaser of amazingly round, fake breasts for his wife, possessor of an unmatched all-around game, Olympian, consecutive appearances in the NBA Finals, on top of the world

After: messy divorce from globe-wearing wife, still an incredibly poor outside shooter, scapegoat in Dallas after forcing a trade to his original team













Mark McGwire

Before: renowned home run hitter, super duper nice guy

After: disgraced home run hitter, hater of discussions of the past













Bill Romonowski

Before: respected, football tough guy, winner, great teammate, "not on steroids!"

After: breaker of teammates' orbital bones, 'roid monkey, spitter, distributor of lots and lots and lots of pills













Alex Rodriguez

Before: going down as best player in baseball history, playing under largest contract in professional sports history, example of a "pure" baseball player to be held up as an example of a non-steroid using superstar

After: easy target, hated by nearly one and all, blamed for all that is wrong with the Yankees, affinity for manly women, possibly injected steroids with Jose Canseco while ogling his wife.

Honorable Mentions: What's left of Tom Gugliotta's knees, Annika Sorenstam's uncured face, Glen Rice's love of beating men in his wife's closet, Joe Montana's hatred of auctions.

The moral of the story: don't ever, ever, EVER agree to pose with your wife for a SI Swimsuit issue. If you are a star athlete and you have a hot wife who you think might even be remotely interested in posing for an SI Swimsuit issue, either ask her to wear a burka, or just divorce her immediately.

Posted by McLane at 1:21 PM 5 comments  

Sorenstam retires from LPGA to complete transformation into leather saddle

Ending growing speculation, Annika Sorenstam, the most accomplished women's golfer in history, announced today that she is retiring from the LPGA tour to concentrate on her lifelong goal - becoming a leather saddle.

"As much as I love golf, the hours spent inside the clubhouse and at sponsor functions have made it impossible to completely drain all water from my skin at the rate I would like," Sorenstam said. "After consulting with my team of experts lead by a collection of the top tanners and leather workers in the world, I need to devote myself full-time to this if I want to achieve my goals."

Sorenstam called tournament golf "a huge time suck" that prevented her from the daily care and maintenance needed to finish tanning her hide and begin the process of shaping her into a saddle.

"I have a whole regiment of ointments, soaps, oils and creams that I must do daily to avoid major cracks and hardening," Sorenstam said. "Even though I was lucky to be able to subject my skin to the sun's wonderful, destructive rays on a nearly-daily basis as a golfer, there were still times when I had to travel or meet with sponsors where I had to be inside. Turning myself into a saddle is a 24-7 commitment."

But retiring from golf was a difficult choice, Sorenstam said. Before making her decision, Sorenstam considered pursuing tanning herself into other, less time-intensive objects, including a catcher's mitt, cowboy hat and, most ironically, a golf glove.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:57 AM 3 comments  

Disoriented and Disheveled Former Sports Machine Host George Michael Found Pushing Random Buttons on ATMs

WASHINGTON, DC - Former George Michael Sports Machine host George Michael was said by family to be "resting comfortably" today after being found disorientedly pushing the buttons of random DC-area ATMs while waiting for sports highlights.

"The poor guy, he just kept saying 'Let's go to Orchard Park, where Jim Kelly and the Bills took down the hapless Colts 31-13' and then pushing a button, over and over again," said eyewitness Bill Swearingan. "After nothing would happen, he'd pause for a few minutes, give you a confused and helpless look, and then start right up talking about how it's 'time to see how the Cardinals used two Jack Clark home runs to take out the Expos."

Michael has been reported to be "quite unstable" since the cancellation of the George Michael Sports Machine last year. In October 2007 he was arrested and briefly charged with assaulting a midget dressed as R2-D2 at a Halloween party after he continually pushed his hand against the groin area of the man's costume and demanded to "see more Oilers highlights." Since those charges were dropped, Michael reportedly has spent most of his time as a recluse inside his mullti-million dollar estate in Silver Springs, Md, editing endless "Plays of the Month" montages for no one in particular.

"It's just sad, really," said one anonymous source who has seen several of the "compilations". "He'll stand in front of the screen and say 'Check out the NASCAR Crash of the Month - Darrell Waltrip at Daytona, I can't believe he walked away', but what's playing is some clip from an episode of Facts of Life. Then he'll introduce the Diving Catch of the Month, and it's the same clip."

The source said that the cancellation of the show was difficult for Michael, but the loss of his beloved Sports Machine was what drove him over the edge.

"That machine was the only thing in his life that didn't disappoint him," the source said. "No matter what, when he needed a sports highlight, he just had to push that big red button, and out it would come. You can't take that away from someone and expect them to go on with their lives. It's sad."

Michael's case is not an isolated incident, said Prof. Ryan Gerlost, lead researcher at the Center for Study of Sports Television Personalities at Columbia University.

"When sports TV personalities have a certain prop and it's taken away from them, the results can be devestating," Gerlost said. "At least in this case no one was hurt, unlike the Fratello Incident."

Gerlost was referring to the breakdown of TNT analyst Mike Fratello's Telestrator during a Heat vs. Wizards playoff game. Four people were hurt, two seriously, in the chaos that followed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:28 PM 0 comments  

Julio Franco: The Last of the RBI Baseball Greats

In what is now old news, Julio Franco has retired from professional baseball.

To fully illustrate just how long Julio Franco has been playing professionally, wrap your head around this: Donnie Moore, Kirby Puckett and Juan Uribe all appeared with Julio in RBI Baseball...and they're no longer of this earth.

He'll not only be remembered for his funky stance and ability to play while very, very old but for being the last active player from the first MLBPA-sanctioned video game. With Julio's retirement comes the end of an era.

NOTE: I realize Roger Clemens isn't technically retired and should be considered the last active RBI'er but he's in steroid/molester/douchebag limbo for the rest of time.

Here's to you Julio. I'll be sure and toast a Dos Equis Amber to you tonight while I immediately sub you in for pathetic Willie Randolph at the top of the order for the overrated A.L. All Star team.

Posted by McLane at 4:00 PM 0 comments