Handicapabling Challenge: Rivalry Week

It's rivalry week, and for a USC alum like me living in Los Angeles, it means experiencing a tradition unlike any other. No other big time college football rivalry has two schools with campuses so close together. Families, offices, and friendships should all be put on hold for a week of barbs, taunts and zings.

At least that's how it should be. But for me, that never happens. No one at my office graduated from UCLA. Only a couple of people even watch football at all: one guy is from Texas, and the other is from Serbia or Crotia or some random Slavic country that didn't exist before the 1990s. Somehow, I don't think he's a Bruin either. I don't know anyone who graduated from UCLA well at all. A couple of friends from high school I talk to once or twice a year, maybe.

And I'm not seeing any support from the Bruin fans this year. No people wearing school colors, bumper stickers, or those flags you suction cup to your car. I suspect that they sort of know that last year was as good as it is going to get for a while, and that in about two weeks, the football team will be looking for a new full-time head coach while some assistant is leading them as interim coach at the Zircon.com Aluminum Bowl or some nonsense.

Plus, it's raining today pretty hard (by LA standards), so therefore LA is about as deserted as Random City X in Random Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Film. It's weird.

Anyway, on to the picks. I didn't make any last week, since I was in a strange land without the Internet (my sister's place near Fresno). Let's see if I can make up for lost time and somehow drop seven or eight picks when only making five. (For the record, I am 6-9 for the season. I will avoid making any juvenile jokes pertaining to a frankly overrated sexual act. I think you know I'm better than that.)

(Also, ball farts. Tee-hee.)

Fresno St. (-13) @ New Mexico St.: Fresno St. is a terrible, terrible team against the spread under Pat Hill - they are 7-18 in their past 25 games. This is a good indication of why a lot of people back in Fresno are unhappy with Coach Hill and have been for years: they always play to the level of their opponents, and never put away bad teams.

Now, I don't think NMSU is a very good team at all. But they are 4-2 at home this year, while the Bulldogs are just 2-3. Now that Fresno St. has a chance to go to a decent bowl game (probably the Hawaii Bowl) with a win, this is a perfect chance for them to screw that up with a loss and get demoted to some podunk bowl in the Midwest in mid-December. Bring gloves, kids!

The pick: New Mexico St. (+13)

UCLA @ USC (-20): The thought of laying 20 points with a team quarterbacked by John David Booty makes my skin crawl. However, the thought of UCLA being able to score any points on USC is also pretty daunting at this point. But looking outside, it is wet, and it's going to be wet tomorrow afternoon. And the Coliseum field is already pretty torn up from recent soccer games. The bottom line? It's going to be a slog, much like the USC/Cal game a few weeks ago. USC wins, but not by 20.

The pick: UCLA (+20)

(Note: That said, I'd gladly be wrong on this and have USC win by 100, just so the rare UCLA fan who has chirped up with "13-9" this week can go back to Pauly Pavilion and stay for the next nine months.)

Army vs. Navy (-14): As a true patriot, I refuse to say that one team or the other is going to win - picking against the Army or Navy is tantamount to picking against America. I predict that in defiance of the NCAA and their "overtime rules", this game is declared a tie, and both teams turn their attention to kicking some terrorist butt! Which I guess means Army will cover. (That and the fact that Navy are only 3-7 in their last 10 games against the spread, because they can't stop anyone enough to cover any spread.)

The pick: Army

Big 12 Title Game - Oklahoma (-3) vs. Missouri: It's very hard to beat a good team twice in one season. Especially when that team has the motivation of playing for a national title, and they are playing the return game with their leading rusher (who didn't play the first time). Plus, Oklahoma is turning into a lousy cover team (2-6 in their last eight ATS), and I'm beginning to have zero confidence in Bob Stoops' coaching abilities in big games. In fact, I've started to refer to a shot of a coach on the sidelines after his team makes a big, dumb play (where he has a look that's a combination of anger, disgust and confusion) as "The Bob Stoops Face".

The pick: Missouri (+3)

New York Jets @ Miami (-1): So wait...a team that is 0-11, and just lost perhaps the ugliest football game in history, (and is coming off of a short week because of said game, which is never good) is a favorite against anyone? I know the Jets are bad, but they aren't...Dolphins bad. This is a team on a date with their own brand of perfection - don't try to throw a game away to them - they'll find a way to lose. They always do.

The pick: New York Jets (+1)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:10 PM 0 comments  

USC Mulls Move to Oakland Coliseum

LOS ANGELES - In a surprising twist to an ongoing saga, University of Southern California officials today announced that they are considering moving home games to Oakland beginning next season. The university had originally discussed moving to the nearby Rose Bowl after talks with the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum stalled. However, school officials are now considering a radical plan to play home games at the Oakland Coliseum.

"After evaluating our options, we think this provides us with the best solution going forward," said Todd R. Dickey, USC's senior vice president for administration. "Although it will add an additional commute for our alumni and students, we think that with the loyalty of our fan base, we'll have little trouble selling out most games. Plus, all of our letterhead already says 'The Coliseum' on it, so this is going to save us thousands of dollars a year."

Under a university plan, shuttle buses would take fans and students to and from campus and the Oakland Coliseum. This will mean that fans will need to arrive no later than 3 a.m. for a 12:30 p.m. kickoff. University officials said that studies showed this would be comparable to the wait times for parking at the Rose Bowl.

"The 'Weekender' trip for our fans to the Bay Area schools is always a highlight of the football season," said Dickey. "This plan brings the fun and excitement of a Weekender to every home USC football game."

USC head coach Pete Carroll briefly discussed the plan after today's practice in preparation for their Rivalry Week game against UCLA. He said he wouldn't treat the 1,000 round-trip distance of their home stadium as a disadvantage.

"If that's what happens, then it's a great opportunity for us to get out there and show what we can do to a new audience," Carroll said. "It's what we do as a program, take advantage of what's put in front of us. It's something to look forward to. We'll build on it and go from there. We're all excited about it."

Carroll then headed off to his Heritage Hall office, muttering positive mantras to himself the entire way.

Reaction in the Bay Area was mixed. Some fans thought that Bay Area sports fans would not embrace a team moving from Southern California.

"By great Lucifer's ghost, moving a team from Los Angeles to here would never work!," said A. Davis, an elderly man found eating a Senior Slam at an Oakland area Denny's. "Next, there will be flying automobiles, and phones that tell you the scores of football game. And toasters that can steal your soul! From Irwindale, that's where salvation is from these foul howler monkeys. Irwindale!!!"

Davis rambled for a few minutes, then fell asleep in his grits.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:04 PM 0 comments  

YFIASB's HotPulse America! 11/29 Edition

What is HotPulse America!, exactly? It's where, with the help of a random number generator and a list of the nation's top 100 media markets, I randomly check in on a few of our nation's cities to see what is pushing the buttons of their sports fans.

Champaign/Urbana/Springfield, IL (DMA #84):

East Central Illinois? We're talking Illini Country! And despite the football's improbable success, the news today was pretty grim, based on the early season struggles of the men's basketball team - highlighted by a listless 69-61 loss to Maryland last night. For a 4-2 team, people seem very glum about this season. When the message coming out of the game is "I don't want to be mediocre", and those words aren't coming from an ASU football fan (sorry McLane) but from your team's head coach, you are officially in trouble.

This is what happens when a non-traditional power in one sport gets really good at one thing while they start slipping at the thing they are usually good at - no one knows what to do. Palms get sweaty, fans get confused - it's like a bad Twilight Zone episode (like the new one, hosyed by Forrest Whitaker). I personally saw this when the USC basketball team made an Elite Eight run a few years ago right when Paul Hackett was killing the football team.

In other local news: the Eli Manning/Rex Grossman QB match-up in this week's Giants/Bears game might be harmful or fatal if viewed. Just like the arc from Indiana Jones, DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT!

Houston, TX (DMA #10):

It was going to take something pretty huge for Houston sports fans to realize that they had a college team in their city, one that even is going to bowl games on a regular basis. Apparently, that something would be the head coach leaving to take the same job at Baylor, because that is actually the lead story in the Houston Chronicle, ahead of the Rockets, Texans, or a preview of some upcoming Class 4-D high school title game.

Baylor is a bad, bad athletic program right now, still tainted with the stink of the scandal involving the men's basketball team. (You might remember them. Dirty coaches. Players murdering other players. Just ugly,) And the football team? Well, they've just plain stunk for years. They haven't finished above .500 since 1995, and they are 11-85 in the Big XII since joining the conference.

I know this is an "under-the-radar" hire with all of the other college football coaching carousel news, but I think it's a great hire. Art Briles knows Texas, which is a big plus when it comes to recruiting. Butas much as anything else, he knows how to turn around bad programs. Before coming to Houston in 2003, the Cougars had been languishing. Under previous head coach Dana "Dismal" Dimal, they had been 8-26.

Since Briles has gotten to Houston, he's compiled a 34-28 record, including bowl games three of those four years. And Houston has lousy facilities and really bad support - their season-ending home victory against Texas Southern drew 12,139. I know that it was against a lower-division patsy, but still - this is an 8-4 team, and this is Texas: high school games regularly draw much more than that.

If anyone can turn things around at Baylor, it's Art Briles. If he can't, maybe they should just pull a Long Beach State and shudder the program for good. Except without the dumping Gatorade on their old head coach during a cold day, causing him to catch pneumonia and die.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:29 PM 0 comments  

USC to the Rose Bowl...permanently?

On Tuesday, USC made the startling announcement that it had begun negotiations with the Rose Bowl to move from the Coliseum and begin playing home football games there starting next season. You can read the story for the full details, but the gist of the situation is this: USC wants control over running the Coliseum (and scheduling), and wants renovations to be made. They are willing to kick in $100 million over the next 10 years towards the renovations. However, the Coliseum Commission has been putting this issue on the back burner and hoping it goes away, mainly because they are still committed to the pipe dream that the NFL is going to be back in the Coliseum someday.

Bill Plaschke's column in the LA Times on Wednesday does a fairly good job of summarizing how I feel about this. This is clearly a lot of political posturing and muscle-flexing being done by USC to let the Coliseum Commission know that "it means business". It's almost inconceivable that USC would anger so many of its alumni by destroying 80+ years of tradition by forcing them to move from their home just off-campus to a new site 20 miles away with lousy parking and freeway access (and would be second tenant to their arch rivals).

However, this is the Coliseum Commission we're talking about, and if anyone can screw something up royally, it's them. Plaschke's column gets into it in a little more detail, but the Commission has directly or indirectly lead to the Rams and Raiders leaving Los Angeles and the O'Malley family selling the Dodgers.

The indirect good news in all of this is that the brouhaha has forced LA mayor Antonio Villaraigosa to stop sucking face with news anchors long enough to finally, publicly state that he's given up on the NFL ever returning to the Coliseum and that the Commission should too. And the general outrage this has caused has pretty much put the Coliseum Commission into such a bad spot than even they seem to be forced to admit defeat at this point. (Well, except for exceptionally stubborn Commission members like current City Councilman and former really lousy LA Police Chief Bernard Parks, who "must keep the door open for a professional team."

And just who is the Coliseum Commission? As you can guess, a bunch of bureaucrats! More specifically, a nine-person panel made up of: four politicians (the afore-mentioned Parks and three LA County Supervisors) and five "private citizens", including the widow of Aaron Spelling and the wife of City Councilman Herb Wesson. (Apparently, being married to old, white guys is excellent training for deciding the fate of one of LA's major landmarks.)

And just how effective is the Coliseum Commission? I'll let a current City Council member tell you:

"There is nothing that that commission has [accomplished] in the 30 or 40 years that I know of," said L.A. City Councilman Greig Smith, who offered a list of teams that have left the Coliseum and neighboring Sports Arena. "One government agency can screw up. Three government agencies can screw up a lot."

I'll leave with an interesting article from the LA Times' architecture critic about the situation. I think it's a good overview of the challenges faced in maintaining the Coliseum, and LA's older stadium structures in general. I'm going to let my USC alum bias show here for a second in response. I've been to both the Rose Bowl and the Coliseum, and frankly, in terms of "watching the game" aesthetics, I prefer the Coliseum. The site lines are better and the seats are wider. I always have a sense of being more "on top" of things at the Coliseum from the upper deck, versus being lower and further away at the Rose Bowl. And I can still find free street parking at the Coliseum (and never had any issues with break-ins, etc.) on game days, even on sell-outs. At the Rose Bowl? Not so much.

But the Rose Bowl does have a pretty view of the mountains...I guess that counts for something.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 AM 0 comments  

Playing Guitar Hero Makes Tony Romo Look Like a Giant Dork

Photo Credit: Jensen Walker/Getty Images for Guitar Hero

So CNN/SI has a photo gallery up right now of "Male Athletes Off the Field" (which is a weird title - aren't 90 percent of athletes that people know male?), and the picture above is the first picture you see. The cheese-eating goofball front and center with the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nationa 1814 headset is Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo, playing Guitar Hero III at a promotional event with teammates Terrance Newman, Marc Colombo and Cory Procter.

First off, does anyone look like they less want to be somewhere than Terrance Newman? And take a look at the "guitar" they gave Marc Colombo - could they find a larger model for the giant, hulking NFL player. It looks like he's playing Mandolin Hero.

But really, the star here is Romo. From the too-high position on the guitar to the "yuck yuck" grin on his face, everything about him screams "yokel". This picture alone is going to cause me to lay serious scratch on the Packers next week against the Cowboys - no way Brett Favre would ever look this dorky.

But here's my main bone of contention - what the hell is he doing wearing that headset? I don't own Guitar Hero, but I've played it several times. At no point do I remember signing being a part of it. I don't even know if the headset is plugged in (it might just trail off into nothingness, like watching a band "perform" on American Bandstand back in the day when none of the electric instruments were attached to anything).

My theory: he's so used to getting play calls from the booth that he cannot function without assistance 100 percent of the time. In this case, his possible girlfriend/maybe just friends/whatever Carrie Underwood is in another room telling him which buttons on the "gee-tar" to push.

I'd also recommend checking out photo #4, of NASCAR champion Jimmie Johnson trying for the Jim Halpert casual cool look at a fashion event and failing. Miserably. He looks like a 6 year-old dressing up in dad's clothes.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:44 AM 2 comments  

My 2007 Bowl Game Projections

So, I'm sick. Very sick. How sick? When your doctor calls in the nurse specifically so she can look through into your ear to get a sense of "what a really, really bad ear infection" looks like, you're in bad shape.

So instead of, you know, working at work today, I kept myself preoccupied from the screaming pain in my left ear (which I had attributed before to listening to Steve Lavin call the USC/Southern Illinois basketball game last night) by doing some projections for the upcoming bowl season. Not just the BCS bowls, but all of them.

This is all preliminary, and although I did some research to get a sense of what the rumor mill is saying about destinations, I also used some gut instincts. The big thing you'll notice is that I have Oklahoma upsetting Missouri and knocking them out of the BCS Title game this weekend. Which would be totally appropriate - instead of getting a really exciting match-up with lots of offense, we'd be stuck with Ohio State lumbering in to get taken to the woodshed again (this time by West Virginia). I'm also assuming that if Ohio State plays for the national title, the Rose Bowl would select Illinois to take its place - they are all gooey and nostalgic for the Big 10/Pac 10 match-ups.

Agree with them or disagree, here are my bowl projections:

	Game	Match Up			Teams
	BCS Title	BCS #1	vs.	BCS #2	West Virginia	vs.	Ohio St.
	Rose Bowl	Pac-10 Champ	vs.	Big 10 Champ	USC	vs.	Illinois
	Fiesta Bowl	Big 12 Champ	vs.	At-Large	Oklahoma	vs.	Georgia
	Orange Bowl	ACC Champ	vs.	At-Large	Virginia Tech	vs.	Missouri
	Sugar Bowl	SEC Champ	vs.	At-Large	LSU	vs.	Hawaii
	Capital One Bowl	SEC #2	vs.	Big 10 #2	Florida	vs.	Wisconsin
	Gator Bowl	ACC #3	vs.	Big 12 #4/Big East #2	Virginia	vs.	Texas Tech
	Cotton Bowl	Big 12 #2	vs.	SEC #3/4/5	Kansas	vs.	Arkansas
	Outback Bowl	SEC #3/4/5	vs.	Big Ten #3	Tennessee	vs.	Michigan
	International Bowl	MAC #3	vs.	Big East	Ball St.	vs.	Rutgers
	Liberty Bowl	C-USA #1	vs.	SEC #6/7	UCF	vs.	Mississippi St.
	Mieneke Car Care Bowl	ACC #5	vs.	Big East	Wake Forest	vs.	Connecticut
	Chick-fil-A Bowl	ACC #2	vs.	SEC #3/4/5	Clemson	vs.	Auburn
	Independence Bowl	Big 12 #6	vs.	SEC #8	Colorado	vs.	Alabama
	Sun Bowl	Pac-10 #3	vs.	Big 12 #5/Big East	Oregon St.	vs.	South Florida
	Music City Bowl	ACC #5/6	vs.	SEC #6/7	Florida St.	vs.	Kentucky
	Holiday Bowl	Pac-10 #2	vs.	Big 12 #3	Arizona St.	vs.	Texas
	Emerald Bowl	Pac-10 #4/5	vs.	ACC #5/6/7	California	vs.	Georgia Tech

	Alamo Bowl	Big 12 #4/5	vs.	Big Ten #4	Texas A&M	vs.	Penn State
	Texas Bowl	Big 12 #7	vs.	C-USA #3/4	TCU	vs.	Houston
	Humanitarian Bowl	WAC #1	vs.	ACC #8	Boise St.	vs.	Maryland
	Insight Bowl	Big 12 #5	vs.	Big Ten #6	Oklahoma St.	vs.	Purdue
	Champs Sports Bowl	Big Ten #5	vs.	ACC #4	Indiana	vs.	Boston College
	Motor City Bowl	MAC #1/2	vs.	Big Ten #7	Central Michigan	vs.	Michigan St.
	Hawai'I Bowl	C-USA	vs.	WAC #2	East Carolina	vs.	Fresno St.
	Armed Forces Bowl	MWC	vs.	Pac-10	Air Force	vs.	UCLA
	Las Vegas Bowl	Pac-10 #4/5	vs.	MWC #1	Oregon	vs.	BYU
	Poinsettia Bowl	MWC	vs.	At-Large/Navy	Utah	vs.	Navy
	GMAC Bowl	MAC #1/2	vs.	C-USA #2	Bowling Green	vs.	Tulsa
	New Orleans Bowl	Sun Belt #1	vs.	C-USA #5	Troy	vs.	Memphis
	PapaJohns.com Bowl	C-USA #3/4	vs.	Big East/MAC	Southern Miss	vs.	Cincinnati
	New Mexico Bowl	WAC #3	vs.	MWC	Nevada/Louisiana Tech	vs.	New Mexico

A few interesting possible games here:

- I love the idea of Kansas playing Arkansas. Somehow it should be like a "loser leaves town" match from the old-time wrestling days. Maybe the loser should have to change their name to "Lesser Kansas" for the next year.
- USC vs. Illinois in the Rose Bowl would be fabulous, just because the pre-game hype would turn into a contest to see which coach gets the most "don't let the laid-back approach fool you" stories written about him. Plus, plenty of opportunities for Ron Zook to go water-skiing!
- Any battle between Troy and Memphis might turn into an actual historical war!
- Colorado vs. Alabama: Dan Hawkins vs. Nick Saban. Something has to give. I'm not sure what, but something...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:28 PM 4 comments  

Ricardo Mayorga is a People Person

Nicaraguans love their sports heroes. And perhaps no native son has had more success on the world sports stage than three-time world boxing champion Ricardo Mayorga. So, he should be the people's champion, right? Wrong. Why? Because he's a really, really tremendous asshole.

Nicaraguans are so ashamed of Mayorga's boorish behavior (smoking and eating friend chicken at weigh-ins, arrogance, being a foul-mouthed punk and starting fights at press conferences, etc.) that they celebrated in the streets of Managua and set of rockets after he lost to Oscar de la Hoya. To repeat to hammer home the point, they were celebrating a victory by Oscar de la Hoya - no Hispanic person that I'm aware of in the US has ever done this before.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:03 AM 0 comments  

Stay Classy, Jets Fans

If there was going to be a story about football fans sexual harassing, spitting on and otherwise abusing female fans at the game, it makes sense it was going to be Jets fans. In their own way, they are just as boorish and obnoxious as Raider fans. But while Raider fans spend their time stabbing fans of opposing teams, Jets fans occupy themselves with chanting for women in the concession area to expose themselves.

My favorite quote in the story is about the one woman who did flash the crowd during last week's game:

Denisse Rivera, a 23-year-old from the Bronx, was on a first date Sunday. When she arrived at the crowd at Gate D, several men pointed at her, signaling men at all levels to chant in her direction. After a brief moment of hesitation, she flashed them. Then she took a bow.

“I don’t care,” Rivera said when told that video clips of previous incidents, taken on cellphones, ended up online. “I love my body and I like what I have, so let everybody share it.”

Two security guards soon approached Rivera. The guards warned her about indecent exposure laws, she said, and let her go.

That, my friends, is an interesting first date. Of course, if you're the guy whose first date flashed hundreds of guys at the Jets game, you had better get lucky that night. Otherwise, I'd recommend that you quit dating altogether - you've officially lost at dating and suck at life.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:50 AM 2 comments  

Handicapabling Challenge Week 4: All-NFL Edition

I wish I could say I was doing this because I had five particularly great NFL picks. The honest truth is that there has been a bad virus running through The Duke's family, and this is my first chance to make picks. No explanations, just picks...

- Cincinnati (-3) vs. Arizona
- Oakland (+4.5) at Minnesota
- Tampa Bay (-3) at Atlanta
- Detroit (-2.5) vs. NY Giants
- Buffalo (+16) vs. New England

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:00 PM 0 comments  

Breaking News: Bonds Provides Nation with Collective Moment of Schadenfreude

If you haven't heard yet, Barry Bonds has been indicted by a federal grand jury on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. If convicted, he could face up to 30 years in jail.

I haven't had time to digest this yet, so bear with me before I give you my ill-informed hard-hitting opinions on everything. Although I would like to point out that I find it interesting that President Bush issued a statement that he was "very disappointed to hear this". This from the same guy whose Texas Rangers, while he was managing partner, traded for Jose Canseco, and also had Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro on the roster.

Mainly this is friendly warning to avoid ESPN for at least the next 48 hours as I'm sure they are on "BREAKING NEWS RED ALERT CRITICAL MASS" level with their coverage right about now.

Note: Maybe Bonds should take a closer look at that contract offer from the Washington Wild Things of the independent Frontier League. It might be as good as it gets next season.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:28 PM 1 comments  

What Not to Watch: 11/15/07

Keeping you informed of the worst sports viewing choices possible (all times Pacific):

• NBA Vault (NBATV, 5:30 p.m.) - Highlights of old basketball games? Probably not watching that. But if it was, say, Yao Ming on a gymnastics vault attempted to land a Double twisting Yurchenko? That I'd pay to watch.
• College Basketball, Stanford @ Northwestern (Big 10 Network, 6 p.m.) - It's like if the kids from Pacific Tech faced off against The Lambda Lambda Lambdas on the hardwood. Except probably with less randy hijinx.
• Summit's High Places (6:30 p.m., Outdoor Channel) - Sadly, this show does not revolve around is the Tennessee women's basketball coach reminiscing about that time she ripped a massive bong load with Nancy Lieberman and Ann Meyers-Drysdale out in back of the Women's Basketball Hall of Fame.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:06 PM 0 comments  

LA Clippers Cheerleader Makes Half-Court Shot

As found on Deadspin.com...needless to say, the crowd was sort of pumped up...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:50 AM 0 comments  

Indians Team Officials "Really Fucking Thrilled" with Sabathia's Cy Young

CLEVELAND - Immediately after Cleveland hurler C.C. Sabathia was named AL Cy Young winner this afternoon, Indians team officials held a press conference to express their sentiments over their pitcher's recognition. Even though their words conveyed excitement over the honor, their tone and actions left many reporters questioning the veracity of their statements.

Sabathia was named AL Cy Young winner over Boston Red Sox ace Josh Beckett. Cy Young voting occurs before the post-season begins, which might have been lucky for Sabathia. He was 1-2 with an 8.80 ERA in four post-season starts for the Indians before they were knocked out of the playoffs by the Red Sox. Meanwhile, Beckett was stellar in the playoffs, going 4-0 with a 1.20 ERA.

"Yeah, C.C. really showed what a 'big game' pitcher he was this season," said Indians GM Mark Shaprio, using "air quotes" the first of several times during the press conference. "You could say that, in a sense, there is no way our seasons could have ended the way it did with his 'performance' when it mattered most."

Cleveland manager Eric Wedge deflected a question on whether he would trade Sabathia for Beckett if he could.

"Oh, of course not," Wedge said. "Why would I want to switch out a guy who is great in the regular season for one of the best post-season pitchers in history? It's all about what you accomplish in the regular season against teams like Tampa Bay, Baltimore and Kansas City that counts, right?"

Wedge then concluded by making a stroking motion with his right hand near his crotch that appeared to mimic masturbation while rolling his eyes and making a "raspberry" with his mouth.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:34 PM 1 comments  

What, no Sonny Bono videos?

It's winter, so that means that there will be plenty of ski accidents to watch on YouTube. Am I sick because I like watching helpless skiers go sailing out of control at 80 mph, slamming their bodies into the ground and being thrown around like a rag doll in the dryer? Probably, but I guess I am what I am.

Here's a little compilation of skiing crashes to get you ready. Does it have Euros crashing on a downhill run and knocking themselves silly? Check. Song by Against Me? Check. Created on Windows MovieMaker? Check.



The best part are those flimsy, orange barriers. It always seems like going through five or six of those at top speed and having your limbs rendered by them hurts more than if they just weren't there. Unless there's, you know, a tree there or something.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:02 PM 0 comments  

Nebraska Football, Making...History?

One of the college football scores outside of the Top 25 that caught my eye was this one: Nebraska 73, Kansas State 31. Of course, any team winning by that large of a margin is pretty eye-catching. But when you consider that Nebraska was bouncing back from a 76-39 loss to Kansas the week before, it's pretty amazing.

How amazing? I did some research to find out. (Thanks to the College Football Data Warehouse, which is pretty indispensable at this point.) No NCAA Division I team has ever scored 70+ points and given up 70+ points in back-to-back weeks. In fact, according to my research, only seven teams have ever pulled that feat in a single season, and only two since 1950:

Texas A&M (2003): 73-10 vs. Baylor (10/11), 0-77 @ Oklahoma (11/8)
BYU (2001): 70-35 vs. Tulane (8/25), 45-72 @ Hawaii (12/8)
Hawaii (1949): 98-7 vs. Islanders (10/28) and 76-6 vs, Leilehua HS (11/11), 0-75 vs. Pacific (12/16)
Louisville (1928): 72-0 vs. Eastern Kentucky (10/6), 70-0 vs. Tennessee-Chattanooga (10/20)
Louisiana-Lafayette (1918): 107-6 vs. Patterson HS (???), 0-74 vs. Tulane (11/28)
Ohio (1916): 89-3 vs. Wittenberg (???), 0-73 vs. Syracuse (10/7)
Cal (1915): 81-6 vs. Nevada (11/20), 0-72 vs. Washington (11/6)

So as Bill Callahan packs his bags and calls the Realtor this week, at least he can do so knowing that his team was historically schizo this season. Which I'm sure he'll have a lot of time to reflect on.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:49 AM 0 comments  

Thank you, Illinois

After this weekend's college football action, I want to personally extend my thanks, on behalf of a grateful nation, to Illinois for knocking off the top-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes. Not only did Illinois prevent a repeat of last year's national title game, where a vastly overrated Ohio State team was destroyed by a far superior, one-loss team (Florida), but we've finally reached the state of total chaos that BCS boosters have dreaded.

Think other years have been controversial and left some people happy. By the time this shakes out, past seasons will look like walks in the park.

First, let's dispel the notion that Oregon was a big winner this week, by moving up to the No. 2 spot (and a temporary place in the BCS title game) despite not playing thanks to Ohio State's loss. Yes, it was helpful to have one less team to jump. However, what the results on Saturday really set up is a bitter disappointment for Duck fans at the end of the regular season.

Why? Take a look at this week's BCS rankings. While the Ducks sit at No. 2, teams No. 3-5 are breathing down their necks. Undefeated Kansas plays one-loss Missouri in a few weeks, with the winner likely taking on one-loss Oklahoma in the Big XII title game. And that's bad, bad news for Oregon. Any number of scenarios exist where Oregon wins out but doesn't make it to the BCS Championship Game:

• (No. 3 BCS Rated) Kansas wins out, including beating Missouri (No. 5) and (No. 4) Oklahoma in the process. Because of their relatively light Strength of Schedule (SOS), Kansas is behind Oklahoma in both the Coaches and Harris polls (which together make up 2/3 of the BCS rating, along with the combined computer polls). Oregon is No. 2 in both "human" polls, meaning that while Kansas would almost certainly gain at least one spot (and jump to No. 3 in both coaches polls) by staying undefeated and beating Oklahoma. That alone plus the bump in the computer polls might well be enough to leap-frog Oregon. And a lot of humans might be tempted to move Kansas ahead of Oregon for the sake of making sure an undefeated team with wins against (then) top 6 teams in their last two games gets to play in the BCS Title game.
• If Missouri wins out, they are going to jump to at least No. 3 in the human polls, and jump up quite a bit in the computer polls as well (right now they are No. 6 in both human polls and No. 5 in the computer polls). I don't know if it would be enough, but they would be the "hotter" team, having just beaten two Top Five teams in a row.
• Right now, the thing that is killing Oklahoma is their relatively low computer ranking (No. 7). Beating Kansas would be a big boost to that. Since they've already beaten Missouri this year, the gain they would get from humans and computers in winning a rematch is not as big. Losses by either Ohio State or Arizona St. before the end of the season would be a big help, since those two teams are ahead of Oklahoma in the computer rankings.

So, get ready for it, Oregon. It's happening, you just don't know it yet. Which I hate to say: being a huge USC homer, Oregon going to the BCS Title Game is crucial to our chances of making a BCS title game.

Of course, I'm not going to try to get into how you explain to West Virginia that they don't deserve to go with one loss. Or tell Ohio State why losing to Illinois (a dangerous team all season) is worse than losing to a suddenly exposed Cal team (Oregon) or Kentucky (LSU). The only thing people seem to be sure about at this point is that LSU is a mortal lock to make it to the BCS Title game. Which given this season, means you can pencil them in for a crushing loss to Georgia in the SEC Championship game.

BCS Armageddon - it's fan-freakin-tastic.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:39 PM 1 comments  

What Not to Watch: 11/9/07

Helping you make informed decisions about what to miss while you go see the Original Platters play at the Mosegi Palace Hotel and Casino, or whatever old band is playing at your local Indian casino. (All times Pacific.)

• Bowling Green @ Eastern Michigan (ESPNU, 4:30 p.m.): We are the Bowling Green Preservation Society. God save Tim Conway, Nate Thurmond and Orel...
• Peglegs of Stuyvesant High (CSTV, 7:30 p.m.): I didn't even know that Ron Santo had moved to New York.
• The Wandering Golfer (Fine Living, 8 p.m.): I would imagine that needing room for your Callaways and caddy make it tough to hitchhike.
• Big Ten Friday Night Tailgate (Big 10 Network, 8 p.m.): Remember, only on the Big Ten Network can you watch an hour of frat boys drinking 12 packs of Old Milwaukee, setting fire to couches and then trying to douse the flames with the urine. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE MISSING OUT ON IF YOUR CABLE COMPANY DOESN'T OFFER THE BIG TEN NETWORK!!! (Unless you are a Penn State fan, then you are probably too busy throwing beer cans at other team's fans from point blank range and acting like a total tool. Stay classy, guys...)
  

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:28 PM 0 comments  

Handicapable Challenge Week 3: Part II

Who would have thought that 5-5 after two weeks would be so much better than my colleague, Mr. 2-8. Yikes. A couple of more weeks of .500 picks and I can pretty much wrap this bad boy up. We are the AFC West of sports handicapping, and I am the Chargers.

Michigan St. @ Purdue (-4): Fact A: Michigan St. head coach Mark Dantonio might be losing his mind. Fact B: Although he would never admit it, Purdue head coach Joe Tiller is probably pretty pissed that Mark Mangino is getting all of the "fat coach with a mustache" praise. Fact C: Michigan St. has only covered the spread in nine of their last 29 games. That's good enough for me.

Pick: Purdue (-4)

Fresno St. @ Hawaii (-17): If Hawaii wants any chance of jumping into the Top 12 and securing an automatic BCS title berth, they need to not only keep winning but keep running up the score on people. And I'm not sure if people outside of the Central Valley (my home area) know this or not, but I'll let you in on a little secret: Pat Hill is a very overrated coach. This is precisely the type of game where the Bulldogs don't show up and get killed by 30.

Pick: Hawaii (-17)

Virginia @ Miami (-3.5): Wait, let me get this straight. Virginia is 8-2, and Miami is 5-4 while having played some really, really ugly football. I know it's a home game for Miami and the last at the OB, but THEY AREN'T GOOD AT ALL. I guess Kyle Wright starting instead of Kirby Freeman (he of the 1-14, 3 INT game last week) helps...a little. It's not like Kyle Wright is Johnny Unitas or anything.

Pick: Virginia (+3.5)

Buffalo @ Miami (+2.5): (note: NFL version of Miami and Buffalo, not the NCAA teams.) Teams like the Bills get to be .500 not because they are really all that great, but because they do two things well: they play pretty good defense, and they use that to get close wins against lousy teams with lousier offenses. Hello Dolphins!

Pick: Buffalo (-2.5)

Denver @ Kansas City (-3): You think I'm going to get away from betting against Denver now? So far this season, it's been like a license to print money. Until proven otherwise...

Pick: Kansas City (-3)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:57 PM 0 comments  

Kentucky Fans Demand Minnesota Fire Tubby Smith After Stunning Upset

LEXINGTON, KY - In the hours following Kentucky's stunning 84-68 home loss to lightly-regarded Gardner-Webb on Wednesday night, Wildcats fans took to the airwaves, the Internet and even the streets to demand that Minnesota fire coach Tubby Smith.

Despite the fact that Smith had left Kentucky in the off-season to take the head coaching job with the Golden Gophers, many Wildcats fans said that Smith needed to be held accountable for Kentucky's shocking performance.

"I spent 10 years watching Tubby Smith ruin the history and legacy of Kentucky basketball," said Myron Martin, who was part of an impromptu rally outside of Rupp Arena following the game. "
You would have thought that firing him would be enough, but apparently even that couldn't stop him from messing up our team."

Internet message boards were aflame throughout the early-morning hours with calls for Minnesota to fire Smith. One poster, known as DeepBlue69, stated that "if Minnysota (sic) ain't gonna do it, then we'll git a hunting party to go to Canada and do it ourself!"

Smith refused to comment on the loss other than stating that he "felt bad" for the players he had recruited. However, several sources reported seeing Smith at area bars late Wednesday night in a jovial mood.

"I haven't seen him this excited in years," said an unnamed friend who was with Smith last night. "He was buying shots for total strangers as long as they helped him sing the Gardner-Webb fight song. Although I'm not 100 percent sure that he even knew what the Gardner-Webb fight song is - I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't include the line 'And Kentucky fans can fuck each other with broken Coke bottles.'

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:38 AM 2 comments  

Old New England Patriots Mascot Seeks Pension Reform

BOSTON - For more than 20 years, he was the face of the New England Patriots. Fierce and proud, he was ready to snap the ball at a moment's notice. But today, with the team flush with unprecedented success, Pat the Patriot feels forgotten. As he sits in a one-bedroom apartment in a rundown area of South Boston, his memories of his glory days are tinged with pain - emotional and physical.

"For 21 years, I gave everything I had for that franchise," said Pat the Patroit, his voice quivering with emotion. "And this is the thanks I get?"

In his hands was a yellowing certificate from 1992, the year he was cut as the mascot by the team. The certificate thanks Pat for being "an inspiration to Pats fans everywhere" and mentions that "he will always be part of the rich history of the team." Reading the certificate again seemingly reopens old wounds that never healed.

"Always part of the rich history my ass," said Pat. "No invitations to old timers reunions, no mention in the media guide...I can't even get a ticket to go see a game. It's like they want nothing to do with me."

The wounds aren't just mental. After holding the same crouching position for 21 years straight, Pat says his knees are shot. He needs replacements, but can't afford it on his social security payments. In addition, his face is now frozen in the half-smirk he made famous.

"My own grandkids won't come see me - I'm 'Scary Grandpa'," he said. "Plus, I've got so many other injuries it's not even funny. Look at that outfit I had to play center in! Taking on 270 lb. nose tackles in revolutionary war gear is a sure-fire recipe for arthritis."

Pat's story is just one of many similar tales of sports mascots forced into retirement by their teams. None of the major sports leagues offer any sort of retirement plan for ex-mascots or coverage in their pension plans, which has been blamed for the hard times many ex-mascots have fallen upon after leaving the game.

"Look at what happened to Youppi after the Expos moved," said Pat the Patriot, referring to the former Montreal Expos mascot who was found dead of an apparent heart attack outside of a popular strip club in July. "They want the guy to be fat and rotund because it's funny. Well, you know what isn't so funny? Heart disease, diabetes, thickening of arteries...all the things you get by being seven feet tall and having a 108 inch waist. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Among the other former mascots who have died young or experienced difficulty in their post-mascoting lives are Chief Noc-A-Homa of the Atlanta Braves (overdosed on hair spray whip-its), Father Knickerbocker of the NY Knicks (declared bankruptcy after being convicted and serving two years in stock scam) and Brownie, the original Cleveland Browns elf (killed in bar fight in 1999).

Pat the Patriot, however, is determined to make sure the same fate doesn't happen to other mascots. He has been organized fellow retired mascots into a group he calls the NFL Mascots Association. The NFLMA is urging Congress to take action to give retired mascots benefits and make current mascots fully covered under the NFL pension plan. He says that as an act of solidarity, mascots for all 31 NFL teams, plus many in other sports, are willing to go on strike if their demands aren't met.

In response, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell brushed aside the concerns of Pat the Patriot and others, or worries about the impact of a mascot's strike.

"I think that mascots are well-payed for the amount of work that they do," Goodell said. "It's not like we can't find replacement mascots if needed. I mean, is an Atlanta Falcons fan really going to know if it's Freddie Falcon entertaining him, or another, highly talented member of the falcon family?"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:12 PM 0 comments  

I am the Mendoza Line

2-3 on my picks this week - 5-5 on the season. Of course, I had no idea that just being .500 would be good for such a commanding lead after two weeks. Maybe fknmclane should let me decide which games to predict next week.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:00 PM 0 comments  

US Soccer Team Inexplicably No. 5 in Latest BCS Rankings

Underscoring the perplexing nature of this college football season, the US Men's National Soccer Team was somehow ranked fifth in this week's BCS poll. Despite having a 0-0 overall record, and consisting of professional soccer players - most of whom have never seen a college football game - the US Soccer team has a chance to play for the BCS championship game if things break their way.

"I know it might seem odd for the outsider, but if you understood the math behind it, you'd see that the BCS rankings give the fairest representation of the best teams in the country," said BCS commissioner Mike Slive. "If the computers say that the US Soccer Team is fifth, then they must be fifth."

Critics of the BCS have put the blame on the decision before the start of this season to add American-based teams in the FIFA World Soccer rankings as an equal component of the BCS, a move officials said would help expand the marketing of college football overseas. While the US National Soccer Team does not show up on any human poll and ranks 120th out of 119 teams in every other computer poll, it's standings in the FIFA rankings have boosted it into the Top 5.

"This is the damnedest thing I've seen in all my years tracking the BCS," said computer rankings guru Jerry Palm. "Although it would still be a longshot, the fact that the US National Soccer team does not play before the end of the season could be a benefit. They'll need some teams to lose, but it could happen."

US Soccer Team captain Landon Donovan said despite his only experience with American football was being taunted and beaten by players in high school, he and the rest of his teammates would be thrilled to play for a BCS Title.

"My teammates and I have been working on our formations all week just in case," he said. "We've been working on our shuffle passes, our nickel, dime and quarter defenses, and especially our scrums - we think that's going to be the key. That, and our experience in performing well in big games and rising to the situation when the pressure is on."

Ranked ahead of the US Soccer Team in the BCS rankings are Ohio State, LSU, the 1955 Oklahoma team and the cast of CBS-TV's "How I Met Your Mother".

Despite the controversy, Slive said there were obvious signs that the system worked.

"Hey, I think we can all agree that the US Soccer Team is more deserving than Notre Dame," he said.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:03 AM 4 comments  

The Handicapable Challenge, Week 2: Part II

OK, so I have to keep the momentum up after going 3-2 last week. It's not a lot of momentum, mind you. Glacial, even. But like I said earlier, a winning week is a winning week.

NCAA:

Wisconsin @ Ohio St. (-15.5): Wow. I know that this is a "different" Ohio State team, and that Tressel Ball is dead, and that this is a dynamic, explosive offense and hey, didn't you see how good they looked against Penn St. last week? Maybe I'm stubborn, but I seem to remember that this is the same team that struggled mightily against Michigan St. AT HOME two games ago. And that there is always at least one game each season where OSU manages to make an easy win way too difficult.

I don't think Wisconsin is all that great, but they are better than Penn St., and again, Ohio St. having to give that many points against a Top 20 team? It's Ohio (yawn) St.!

Pick: Wisconsin (+15.5)

San Jose St. @ Boise St. (-25.5): Now, usually I would have no problem laying 25.5 with Boise St. at home. But a few things to consider here:

Boise St. is coming off of a really big road win against Fresno St. last week
Ian Johnson may not play again this week, and if he does I'm sure he won't be 100 percent.
Even though Boise St. has won the last three years, each game has been a lot closer than you think it would be.

This is a game where I know the team I'm betting on won't win, but I feel very good that they can keep it close.

Pick: San Jose St. (+25.5)

Cincinnati @ South Florida (-4.5): The home team has won the last four meetings pretty comfortably. South Florida still hasn't lost at home. And Cincinnati has a negative turnover margin in conference games and in October. Not good against a South Florida team that thrives on ball control and capitalizing on mistakes.

Pick: South Florida (-4.5)

NFL:

Denver @ Detroit (-3): Thanks to Jon Kitna deciding to poke fun at a Lions' assistant coach getting drunk and driving naked through a drive-through last year, this is a "week of adversity" for the team. Normally, I'd say that for a Cinderalla team like Detroit that has no business being 5-2, any adversity would be enough to push them towards collapse. I mean, they are the Lions.

But two things are at play here: a) I don't think this is a controversy at all within the team, and if anything it might create one of those "us against the World" scenarios millionaire athletes feed on (re: New England Patriots) and b) they are playing the Broncos, who about as close to a "can't miss" prospect to not cover as we have in the NFL. They are 1-6 Against the Spread (ATS) this year and 6-18 in their last 24 games overall. Basically, Vegas (or the betting public) hasn't caught up yet to the fact that these aren't the same Broncos teams of even a couple of seasons ago. Mike Shanahan's magic is gone - teams have figured out "the system" and it turns out that you sometimes do need more talent at running back than just plugging in rejects and 5th round draft picks.

Until Vegas figures this out, keep riding the anti-Orange Crush.

Pick: Detroit (-3)

New England @ Indianapolis (+5.5): So the defending Super Bowl champions, who are: a) undefeated, b) look better defensively than last year, c) have beaten two straight division rivals with winning records on the road, d) have maybe the best QB ever and e) oh yeah, are at home, are almost a touchdown underdog in any game?

Excuse me for a minute; my eyes just bugged out of my head like Roger Rabbit.

You know which teams are usually underdogs by that much at home? The Raiders. The Bils. The Cardinals. The Vikings. In other words, the worst of the worst, not the defending champions who have been steamrolling everyone in their own right.

Look, for all of New England's offensive fireworks so far this season, Bill Belachick does not want to get into a shootout against Peyton Manning - it's as simple as that. And Tony Dungy is not going to let the Patriots fire away downfield all game. The Colts are going to force New England to run - maybe they can and maybe they can't, but they aren't going to put up 40 points that way. New England might win, but we all know it's coming down to the end of the game.

Pick: Indianapolis (+5.5)

Bonus pick: Arizona St. gets drilled by Oregon harder that a wildcatter in an unclaimed spot of Texas land. Oregon 34, Arizona St. 13.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:51 PM 0 comments