It's rivalry week, and for a USC alum like me living in Los Angeles, it means experiencing a tradition unlike any other. No other big time college football rivalry has two schools with campuses so close together. Families, offices, and friendships should all be put on hold for a week of barbs, taunts and zings.
At least that's how it should be. But for me, that never happens. No one at my office graduated from UCLA. Only a couple of people even watch football at all: one guy is from Texas, and the other is from Serbia or Crotia or some random Slavic country that didn't exist before the 1990s. Somehow, I don't think he's a Bruin either. I don't know anyone who graduated from UCLA well at all. A couple of friends from high school I talk to once or twice a year, maybe.
And I'm not seeing any support from the Bruin fans this year. No people wearing school colors, bumper stickers, or those flags you suction cup to your car. I suspect that they sort of know that last year was as good as it is going to get for a while, and that in about two weeks, the football team will be looking for a new full-time head coach while some assistant is leading them as interim coach at the Zircon.com Aluminum Bowl or some nonsense.
Plus, it's raining today pretty hard (by LA standards), so therefore LA is about as deserted as Random City X in Random Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Film. It's weird.
Anyway, on to the picks. I didn't make any last week, since I was in a strange land without the Internet (my sister's place near Fresno). Let's see if I can make up for lost time and somehow drop seven or eight picks when only making five. (For the record, I am 6-9 for the season. I will avoid making any juvenile jokes pertaining to a frankly overrated sexual act. I think you know I'm better than that.)
(Also, ball farts. Tee-hee.)
Fresno St. (-13) @ New Mexico St.: Fresno St. is a terrible, terrible team against the spread under Pat Hill - they are 7-18 in their past 25 games. This is a good indication of why a lot of people back in Fresno are unhappy with Coach Hill and have been for years: they always play to the level of their opponents, and never put away bad teams.
Now, I don't think NMSU is a very good team at all. But they are 4-2 at home this year, while the Bulldogs are just 2-3. Now that Fresno St. has a chance to go to a decent bowl game (probably the Hawaii Bowl) with a win, this is a perfect chance for them to screw that up with a loss and get demoted to some podunk bowl in the Midwest in mid-December. Bring gloves, kids!
The pick: New Mexico St. (+13)
UCLA @ USC (-20): The thought of laying 20 points with a team quarterbacked by John David Booty makes my skin crawl. However, the thought of UCLA being able to score any points on USC is also pretty daunting at this point. But looking outside, it is wet, and it's going to be wet tomorrow afternoon. And the Coliseum field is already pretty torn up from recent soccer games. The bottom line? It's going to be a slog, much like the USC/Cal game a few weeks ago. USC wins, but not by 20.
The pick: UCLA (+20)
(Note: That said, I'd gladly be wrong on this and have USC win by 100, just so the rare UCLA fan who has chirped up with "13-9" this week can go back to Pauly Pavilion and stay for the next nine months.)
Army vs. Navy (-14): As a true patriot, I refuse to say that one team or the other is going to win - picking against the Army or Navy is tantamount to picking against America. I predict that in defiance of the NCAA and their "overtime rules", this game is declared a tie, and both teams turn their attention to kicking some terrorist butt! Which I guess means Army will cover. (That and the fact that Navy are only 3-7 in their last 10 games against the spread, because they can't stop anyone enough to cover any spread.)
The pick: Army
Big 12 Title Game - Oklahoma (-3) vs. Missouri: It's very hard to beat a good team twice in one season. Especially when that team has the motivation of playing for a national title, and they are playing the return game with their leading rusher (who didn't play the first time). Plus, Oklahoma is turning into a lousy cover team (2-6 in their last eight ATS), and I'm beginning to have zero confidence in Bob Stoops' coaching abilities in big games. In fact, I've started to refer to a shot of a coach on the sidelines after his team makes a big, dumb play (where he has a look that's a combination of anger, disgust and confusion) as "The Bob Stoops Face".
The pick: Missouri (+3)
New York Jets @ Miami (-1): So wait...a team that is 0-11, and just lost perhaps the ugliest football game in history, (and is coming off of a short week because of said game, which is never good) is a favorite against anyone? I know the Jets are bad, but they aren't...Dolphins bad. This is a team on a date with their own brand of perfection - don't try to throw a game away to them - they'll find a way to lose. They always do.
The pick: New York Jets (+1)
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