Cuauhtemoc Blanco is still, um, feisty

When MLS brought in aging Mexican soccer star Cuauhtemoc Blanco last season and allocated him to the Chicago Fire, they knew what they were getting - a world-class player on the downside of his career who has courted controversy wherever he has gone and has just as many ardant fans as people who hate his guts. Think of Dennis Rodman, but not as much of a one-trick pony.

There's no question that he's been worth it for the Fire - he's been revitalized since coming to the MLS, and looks as good on the field at 35 as he has in years. But he's excelled at the things that most people hate about soccer: diving, dirty fouls, whining to the refs, trying to instigate and provoke opponents. Basically, he's the symbol for a lot of US Soccer fans of why we hate Mexican soccer.

Well, he was up to usual antics earlier this month during a US Open Cup match versus DC United. In the span of a few minutes, Blanco:

Punched United midfielder Clyde Simms in the stomach and poked him in the eye
Refused to leave the field after receiving a red card
Head-butted a United team official who tried to guide him off the field

So for all of this, Blanco was suspended for two years, which might seem harsh but certainly there is no place in soccer for...wait, he was only suspended from the US Open Cup for two years and not all US soccer? The US Open Cup - a tournament that 90 percent of soccer fans don't even know exist?

Good thing he didn't go "Last Action Hero" one someone with a revolver at the end of the game - they might have really come down hard on him then - maybe even a fine as well!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:36 PM 0 comments  

What got into the drinking water in Ohio this weekend?

To recap:

- Carson Palmer went on a Los Angeles radio show and basically ripped into Ohio St. ahead of the Buckeye's game against the Trojans this season, saying among other things that he "cannot stand the Buckeyes" and that he "just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf." Now, I'm all for school spirit and adding a little bit of healthy bravado into a rivalry. Except for the small fact that Palmer plays professional football in Ohio, and not only are Ohio St. fans pretty, um, rabid, but they are tends to be a lot of overlap between Bengals fans and Buckeyes fans.

I've made a Venn diagram to help explain things:
























I hope this helps to clear up any confusion.

Assuming that Carson Palmer knows that in 2008, radio interviews in Los Angeles might make their way back to Cincinnati (and let's not totally assume this - after all, he apparently thought this ad was a good idea), this is not just a stupid interview; it's downright suicidal. It almost feels like he's so sick of playing with an underachieving bunch of felons and thugs in a place he hates, that he's decided to do whatever he can to make himself so hated that the Bengals have no choice but to trade him. And in Ohio, ripping the Buckeyes is a better way to ensure that you are hated than running a sack full of puppies through a wood chipper.

- Danica Patrick and Milka Duno got into a "catfight" at the Mid-Ohio track during a practice session before this weekend's IndyCar race. And by "cat fight" I of course mean "lots of finger wagging, yelling and then someone threw a towel at someone's face." There was no hair-pulling, clothes ripping of any kind, or even a remote hint of scissoring. Which is OK for me - Danica Patrick is kind of a two-face (sometimes looks great, sometimes looks like an angry little man), and Milka Duno looks like if you took Cesar Romero as The Joker from the old Batman TV series and put a set of huge fake cans on him.

Here's the video, if you are into that sort of thing. The set-up is during a practice session, Duno was driving with her usual complete lack of speed. Patrick was behind her and going much faster (and if Danica Patrick is that much faster than you on a road course, you are a terrible driver and should pretty much lose your racing license on the spot), and kept trying to pass her, except that Duno kept cutting her off.



Note the complete lack of interest by the all-male Citgo crew to do anything to stop the escalating tension, other than to make sure they were out of the way of the cameras. These are smart men.

- And finally...about 100 Columbus Crew fans rumbled with a dozen supporters of mid-level English Premier League team West Ham during an exhibition game on Sunday after the West Ham fans came over to the main Crew supporters' section. And who says that America can't embrace "the beautiful game" the way that they do in Europe. First we get Beckham, and now we have thuggish hooligans. Next we need rampant match fixing and corruption, and we'll be right there.

It should be noted that Carson Palmer is already furiously backpedaling from his anti-Ohio State comments. I imagine that he saw highlights of the soccer match and realized that the violent mob was likely heading for him next.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 0 comments  

Dear ESPN Euro 2008 Studio Host...

In soccer, they are called "goalkeepers" - you use the term "goaltenders" in hockey. Also, when you throw to the announce team that is going to call the US vs. Argentina friendly, the color guy's name is pronounced "Harks" - the "e" is silent. Since he's a US Soccer Hall of Famer and the network's lead soccer analyst, you might want to get that straight.

Hope this helps,
The Duke

P.S. Just as a good rule of thumb - when you are talking, take a look at Andy Gray - he's the Scottish guy sitting to your left that seems to actually know a lot about the sport...no, not the chick - that's Julie Foudy. Anyway, if he is clutching his pencil like he wants to use it as a weapon to jam into your windpipe to shut you up, you probably are off on the wrong track.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:12 PM 1 comments  

Quick Hits

• The NBA-mandated replay of the final 51.9 seconds of the Heat-Hawks game is on Saturday. The NBA has ruled that players acquired after the game (such as Shawn Marion) can play for their new teams. But Shaq (who started the whole thing by being incorrectly ruled to have fouled out) won't be playing. Makes sense to me.
• So apparently, if you are a English soccer player and your brother is in jail for six years for a vicious assault that left the victim partially blind, it's poor taste to celebrate a goal by pretending that you are in handcuffs? Those Brits are so straitlaced.
• Sho Taguchi thinks that King Salomon is some sort of sushi roll. Hilarity ensures. Oh, those wacky Japanese..

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:36 PM 0 comments  

50 cans of Red Bull...a day

Meet Paul Gascoigne. Known as Gazza to England soccer fans, the former captain is perhaps best-known for his emotional, tearful reaction after receiving a red card in England's semi-final game against Germany in the 1990 World Cup, knowing that meant he would have to miss the final game if England advanced (they didn't).

That, and being a massive drunk and drug-addict. You can probably guess the cycle: binge, get caught, express shame, "get clean", relapse, etc. It's the same story you've probably heard thousands of times before, with the same "I've cleaned up my act this time!' story running every few years, to break the time between the next report of his latest escapades.

Well, things have somehow gotten even worse for Gazza, with reports out of England that he's been placed in a mental health ward after his latest serious of bizarre events while staying at a London hotel. Among the gems:

• He holed up in his room for two months, with his only companion being toy parrots that he treated as real and had programmed to swear at guests in the lobby (where he would sometimes appear with a fake parrot on his shoulder)
• He ordered plate after plate of liver from room service, saying that "it was good for his blood"
• Female staff was barred from his room since he had a habit of answering the door naked

My favorite story, though, is that he had recently checked himself into a rehab clinic in the US for a month (at a cost of £16,000) to treat his crippling addiction. Not to cocaine or alcohol, which he clearly was still happy to keep doing. But to Red Bull.

How much Red Bull was Gazza drinking? How about 50 cans. A day. I cannot even fathom how one could possibly choke down 50 cans of that vile swill, much less how one's system could survive. If I have more than one in one day (or night), I feel like I'm Redd Foxx, getting ready to "have the big one." I start twitching and shaking, I get sweaty and jittery - basically, I turn into Bill Belichik getting prepared for the post-Super Bowl press conference.

Honestly...50 cans of Red Bull a day? How does that even happen? Do you start at a couple of cans, and then that doesn't work, so you go to five? Then 10? Then 25? Was Jolt cola the "gateway" drug into the harder stuff? And why not 75 or 100 - Gazza was always the "ultimate competitor," so why not go for something truly amazing and set the bar so high that not even Kobayashi could beat it?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:47 PM 1 comments  

Great Moments on Goalkeeping, Part 1

When you are a big underdog in soccer, the last thing you want to do is give up a soft goal early in the game to put you behind. Like, say, if you were Schalke 04, and you were playing Chelsea in a Champions League Group Stage game, you wouldn't want your keeper to do this:

Manuel Neuer committed this blunder, "helping" Chelsea to a 2-0 win and a place atop their group standings. I think his manager calling letting a weak shot go right through his legs "not helpful" is a bit of an understatement. I believe he thinks that the Rockies' pitchers were "a bit subpar" last night as well.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:38 PM 0 comments