Stoops annoyed at Sooner fans

Sure, Oklahoma might be 59-3 at home under Bob Stoops, but the Sooners' coach isn't buying that the fans have played that big of a role. Rivals.com says that Stoops was asked about how much of a distraction it can be for opposing teams to deal with the crowd noise at..Sooner Stadium? Oklahoma Stadium? Barry Switzer Memorial Park? Owen Field? OK, I guess it's Owen Field.

At any rate, Stoops was less than forthcoming in praise of his fans' disruptive impact on other teams:

"I've seen a lot of teams come in here and not even use silent counts, so I'm not so sure I'm with you on all that," said Stoops when told opposing teams are fearful of the crowd noise. "We haven't been a real loud stadium."

And Stoops wasn't finished with that, taking a sideswipe at fans who only cheer when the Sooners are ready to score:

"Now when we score a touchdown and we're running into the goal line it's usually pretty loud," admitted Stoops. "That usually doesn't matter to the opposing team."

So remember, Sooner fans - if your team loses on Saturday night to Texas Tech, it's all your fault. Of course, this doesn't explain why the Sooners have been so awful at bowl games.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:28 PM 1 comments  

It's come to this: the shameless begging

As some of you might know, in the British vernacular, I was "made redundant" last week. Otherwise known as "I was laid off." The plus side is that this leaves me a lot more time for writing, specifically to bring you the type of marginal entertainment you've come to expect from Your Face is a Sports Blog.

The downside? Well, the lack of money. I'm not a big corporate blog like Deadspin or Sports by Brooks. I don't have a team of writers being beaten into submission and told what to write that will get the most SEO hits, blogosphere synergy or whatever the hell they call it. It's just me, writing about what makes me laugh, and hopefully you too.

I feel so weird about doing this, but several people have said that I should. So, there's a "donate" button on the righthand side of the blog. If you feel as though you want to help support me and this site, feel free to contribute...whatever you want. I know this feels very public radio, so I'll just end by reminding you about the free tote bag with $50 membership, and sending you back to "This American Life."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:16 PM 1 comments  

Cuban charged with insider trading by his fantasy basketball commissioner

DALLAS - Fantasy basketball commissioner Andrew Rathman leveled a charge of "insider trading" at Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban on Monday, after he traded Mavs forward Jerry Stackhouse before Sunday night's game against the New York Knicks, a game that Stackhouse sat out with a possible heel injury.

Rathman, who is Cuban's brother-in-law, said that he had received a complaint from an owner who had sent Luc Richard Mbah a Moute to Cuban's team, the Fuck David Sterns.

"The owner was expecting to add Stackhouse as a valuable role player, but now we have reason to believe that Mark knew about this injury ahead of time and dumped him in order to minimize his losses," Rathman said.

Other owners in the league had expressed concerns something like this might happen, and had suggested a rule that a player could not have someone on their fantasy roster from a team they own in real life. However, Cuban rejected this immediately.

"He kept talking about how this was clearly targeting one player, and how patently unfair that was," Rathman said. "Plus, he reminded us multiple times how he was going to let us have the draft at his mansion, with full catering and all the Chivas and champagne we could drink. It was kind of hard to say no."

Pending an investigation, Rathman said that there is a variety of punishments available, including: forfeiture of points, banning from the league playoffs, or making him give the other players extra courtside seats to an upcoming Mavericks game.

Cuban refused to comment on the matter, other to make the following post on his blogmaverick.com site:

I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job. Also, Andrew Rathman is a farthead, who eats farts with his giant head.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:23 PM 0 comments  

Clippers' Thorton can't believe girlfriend fell for "superstition" line

LOS ANGELES - Clippers forward Al Thorton can't believe that his girlfriend bought the excuse that he hadn't talked to her since the start of the season because of a "superstition" involving the team's 0-6 start, sources told to the team said on Wednesday.

"All week, he had been getting phone messages - here at practice, on his cell phone, even at the hotel on the road," the anonymous source said. "I kept telling him 'Al, that's not good, you better call her.' But he kept insisting that he had a plan. I guess he did."

The source said that he was amazed it worked, especially since it didn't make a lot of sense on the surface.

"I mean, think about it: why would you keep doing something if you keep losing?," said the source. "Wouldn't you do the exact opposite, like call your girlfriend, to try and break your streak? It's like having an unlucky pair of underwear."

Bouyed by Thorton's success, the source said that his teammates were looking to apply the logic to their wives and girlfriends as well, including plans to:

• Not come home at night until they get back above .500
• Pass out drunk at a strip club every night until they get their average above 20 ppg
• Sleep with a different music video model until the Clippers trade for Kobe Bryant

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:30 PM 0 comments  

Eagle Rock High coach might not be so popular with his players

A totally insane story from here in Los Angeles: Johnny Lopez, the head football coach at Eagle Rock High is back on the sidelines, a week after he was injured when he was speared by one of his players during practice. Sounds like a pretty standard story, right? Coaches get run into on the sidelines all time. It's a violent, fast-moving game, and somethings accidents happen. Look at Joe Paterno or Charlie Weis.

But there's one difference here: THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT! (Cue Det. Lenny Briscoe making a darkly humorous joke here.) The Los Angeles Daily News reports that Lopez was apparently speared on purpose by someone who put on a helmet when the coach wasn't looking, drilled him square in the back, and then took off running, hoping a fence to escape the field while the first-year coach writhed in pain.

Perhaps the most disturbing part of the story is this: none of the other members of the team tried to stop him. I've heard of a coach "losing their team" before, but that usually just means that they don't follow directions and laugh behind his back. It usually doesn't mean "putting on a helmet and running at him full speed behind his back." It's stunning that this could happen*.

Another twist to the story: Lopez's alleged assailant isn't even a current player - the person police believe is responsible is a former player who was a starting linebacker last season.

Eagle Rock forfeited last week's game, and ends the season looking to improve on their 3-6 record. But despite evidence that the team might not be buying into the system, Lopez insists that he's coming back next year. In full pads, I'm sure.

*except for when Paul Hackett was the coach at USC. I'm frankly stunned that he wasn't getting clobbered by his players on a weekly basis by the end of his last season at the helm.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:29 AM 0 comments  

HS coach takes hands-on approach to punching players

It's one thing to be a "player's coach," but it's another to be " a coach who gets into fights alongside his players." Someone apparently needs to explain the subtle difference to Jamie Joyner, the head coach of the Nature Coast High football team in South Florida. He has been barred from being on the sidelines the rest of this season after he threw some blows along with his team during a brawl with a rival school.

This isn't the first time that Nature Coast has had issues with fights during their games. Here's a post-game scuffle after a close loss last year:



Joyner has also been ordered to take a "fundamentals of coaching" class before he can rejoin the team. (The first lesson: don't punch the other team, i.e. the Woody Hayes Rule.) I know that many Chiefs fans would like their coach Herm Edwards take the same course as well.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:00 AM 0 comments  

BYU thinks Air Force are dirty players

BYU head football coach Bronco Mendenhall has a Veteran's Day message for you, ahead of the Cougars' game this weekend with Air Force: they are a bunch of dirty, unethical players. But he stilll supports the troops!

Specifically, Mendenhall is upset at Air Force's use of the "cut block" - that is, blocking by taking out a player's legs. Although technically legal, Mendenhall thinks it shouldn't be, and isn't happy with how much the Falcons use it:

"Without even mentioning the game after Air Force, I am just not a proponent of the block, anyway," he said. "I don't think it is good for the game, and I think it puts our players at risk, and I am not saying Air Force is cheating or doing anything unethical, but if I were to have a say in the rules committee, and just in general, I don't think the block is necessary. . . . It is effective, and certainly it is difficult to defend, I am just not a proponent of it."

So maybe I exaggerated a bit in the first paragraph, but you get the point. Clearly, Mendenhall isn't going to come out and say "what a bunch of dirty bastards the Air Force is" - after all, Bush still has a few weeks left in office, and Gitmo isn't closed yet. But that's obviously what he's thinking.

I take the opposite approach: I'm thrilled that they are teaching the future fighter pilots of tomorrow how to cut block. I've seen "Behind Enemy Lines," and if Owen Wilson knew how to cut block, that move would have been 20 minutes long. Let's drop the Air Force football team in Afghanistan and have them cut block a path right to bin-Laden.

AMERICA! YEAH!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:42 AM 0 comments  

Palmer pretty sure he doesn't want to play this week

CINCINNATI - Bengals QB Carson Palmer, who has watched from the sidelines with an elbow injury for six of the last seven games as the team has slumped to a 1-8 record, said on Tuesday that there was "no way" he would play this coming Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.

"No, my, um, my elbow still is way to sore to get out there right now," Palmer said. "Yeah, it's really sore. Ooh, oww!"

Palmer then shook his arm and grabbed at his elbow while wincing in an exaggerated manner.

Palmer said that he re-injured his elbow yesterday afternoon while watching tapes of the Bengals' offense this season.

"I was feeling pretty good, but then I reached for the remote to fast-forward through tape of (back-up) Ryan Fitzpatrick getting sacked over and over, and I must have tweaked my elbow again," he said. "It's a real shame, because I was really looking forward to coming back this week."

Palmer also responded to criticism that he had been using the injury as an excuse to avoid playing for the Bengals as the team struggles this season. Newspaper reports have had him doing several activities that would appear to place great strain on his injured elbow, including golfing, playing tennis, and arm wrestling.

"That's all part of my rehabilitation program," Palmer said. "I know it might look bad, but my doctor assures me that this aggressive, alternative form of treatment is what's best for me right now."

Palmer has been working with his personal doctor instead of Bengals' team trainers, and has not let them inspect his injured elbow in the past four weeks. Palmer's physician, Dr. Leo Spaceman, was not available for comment.

Although he didn't want to speculate, Palmer said the soft tissue injury in his elbow could take "months, maybe years" to heal, but added that it would probably heal faster if he was playing somewhere other than Cincinnati.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 1 comments  

Al Davis to offer Raiders coaching job to John McCain

OAKLAND - Sources inside the Oakland Raiders organization report that owner and GM Al Davis has reached an agreement with John McCain to become the team's next head coach at the end of this season. Davis apparently told office staff that after watching McCain's Presidential concession speech last night, he feels as though the 72-year-old Senator and war hero has the ability to inject "youthful vigor and new energy" into the once-proud Raiders team despite his total lack of football experience.

"That John McCain, he's a real firecracker," Davis is reported to have told a team of executives this morning. "When you're a can-do kind of leader like him, I don't care if you don't know anything about football - players will listen to you. I'll handle the play calling - he just needs to worry about motivating the team to victory, and I'm sure he'll do just that."

McCain would replace interim head coach Tom Cable. Despite his stated belief in McCain's ability's to be a head football coach with no experience, some Raiders staff members wonder if Davis has ulterior motives for bringing McCain on-board.

"He just wants someone out front who is even more clueless than him," a source said anonymously. "Plus, McCain almost makes Al seem sprightly and youthful by comparison."

Davis also allegedly told close confidants that "judging by how much he sold himself out to try and be President, he'll have no trouble doing what I tell him to do. Unlike that ungrateful pink Kiffin. Kiffin!!!"

Davis then continued to shout former head coach Lane Kiffin's name for several minutes while shaking his fist in the air before being sedated by his personal assistants and lead back to his office/rejuvenation chambers.

Reached at his home in Scottsdale, AZ, McCain said he would be open to the offer, provided that the Raider girls understand that their jobs are to "look pretty and not go making foolish and stupid suggestions and opening their mouths to the media and screwing things up for me."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:24 PM 1 comments  

Twitter update update

As was so eloquently noted, I totally botched the link to add the Your Face Twitter feed to your friend feed. Here is the correct link. Please add it, and...whatever.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:36 AM 0 comments  

Latest BCS rankings: let the rioting begin

I treat the BCS rankings like Christmas - there's no reason to even think about it until November and even then that's probably far too soon. But the first poll of November is out and, predictably, people are losing their damned minds over it. Texas Tech jumps past Penn State! USC falls to No. 7 after winning 56-0! Utah, Boise St. and TCU all in the Top 12! It's chaos!

Of course, there's still a whole month of football left to be played, so reading too much into these rankings is very dangerous. However, there are a few things I think we can safely assume based on where things stand right now:

Penn State fans need to shut up already

Yes, it's a tough break to get jumped in polls when you had a bye week. Or so the Nittany Lion fans are screaming today after Texas Tech moved ahead of them in the rankings. But keep this in mind: Penn State didn't "fall" in the rankings - they were No. 3 before the week started and No. 3 at the end of the week. The only difference is which two teams are ahead of them, with Texas Tech replacing Texas.

I don't see how you can argue with placing the Red Raiders ahead of Penn State this week. Rankings should be based on how well people have performed against the teams they have played to that point in the season. Up until last week, voters were holding off on rewarding Texas Tech for being 8-0, since they have a daunting gauntlet of games to close the season. But now that they've got through the first step and knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, you have to place them higher. They play in a better conference and they have the best win of any of the three undefeated teams at the top of the polls.

But most importantly, this is an incredibly moot point. If Texas Tech wins out, that means they will have beaten Texas, Oklahoma State, Baylor and either Missouri or Kansas in the Big 12 title game. And there would be no possible argument for keeping them out of the BCS title game then. If they lose once, where they are ranked today is meaningless as long as Penn State keeps winning.

If I was a Penn State fan, I'd be more ticked off at Alabama moving up to No. 1 than Texas Tech going to No. 2. Let's be honest about this: what exactly is the Crimson Tide's signature win? Georgia? The same team that got hammered by Florida this week? The Clemson team that fired their head coach midway through the season? Tennessee, who just fired their coach today? I'd argue that Penn State's win over Oregon State (more on them in a minute) is looking far more impressive by the week, while Alabama's earlier wins lose more and more of their luster.

Utah, Boise St., TCU, BYU and Ball State fans should learn to hate Ohio State as much as the rest of the college football world does

Why? Their BCS bowl chances might be directly tied to how Ohio State does in their final three games against Northwestern, Illinois and Michigan. To attempt to briefly explain: any school from a non-BCS conference that is ranked in the Top 12 of the final regular season BCS poll is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game. But if more than two teams are in the Top 12, only the highest-ranking is guaranteed a spot. Which is potentially bad news for Utah, TCU and Boise St., all in the Top 12 this week.

Only teams in the Top 16 are eligible for at-large BCS berths and - here's the big catch - no conference can send more than two teams to BCS bowl games. Right now nine of the top 16 spots in the BCS are taken by teams from two conferences: the SEC and the Big 12. And there is almost no chance that the ACC, Big East or PAC-10 will send two teams. (See next item for the one percent chance that the PAC-10 sends two schools.)

Doing the math: there are four at-large berths. Second teams from the Big 12 and SEC will get two of those four, as (almost certainly) will the highest-finishing non-BCS school. Leaving the final BCS at-large berth to go to another BCS Buster or...Ohio State.

Yes, the same cockroaches that ruined the last two championship games are all that stand in the way of the greatest season in non-BCS football history. They sit at No. 12 in the current rankings. If they win out, they'll get the final BCS at-large berth. If they slip up, that spot will almost have to go to a non-BCS team in the Top 16 (even Ball State could get the nod).

In some small way, we all should be rooting for Northwestern next week.

USC is screwed, screwed, screwed (and deservedly so)

After USC lost to Oregon State, I told anyone who would listen that the Trojans' BCS Title hopes were done. And everyone tried to convince me that USC was still alive. "Just look at the carnage last season," they said. "They win out and they'll be fine."

Looking at the first week of November, and I stand by my earlier statement. They don't just need upsets to start happening, but huge upsets with teams way outside of the BCS rankings to take down big names. Texas Tech knocking off Texas might have seemed like a break for the Trojans, for example, but it turned out to be the worst thing imaginable - not only did the Red Raiders leap over USC, but Texas didn't fall behind them.

Without getting into drawn-out rationales, here are the relevant facts:

• The Big 12 champion is making it to the BCS title game. In order for this not to happen, it would take a scenario so convoluted that M. Night Shymalayan would dismiss it as crackpot for there not to be at least one team left with one loss, and there is no way a one-loss Big 12 team is getting left out of the mix.
• Alabama goes if they run the table. The best team most likely to beat them: one-loss Florida, who would certainly go ahead of USC if they win out. They only way USC would be picked ahead of the SEC champion is if Florida loses again but beats Alabama in the SEC title game. And even then, one-loss Alabama might still go ahead of USC (sending a team that lost its conference championship is a nightmare scenario for the BCS).
• Penn State has the easiest path to going undefeated. But if they slip up, they are done. (There is no way a one-loss Big Ten team makes it, period.)

In poker terms, USC has pockets 4s against other teams' pocket aces. And the Trojans don't even control their own BCS fate: if Oregon State wins out, they would get the PAC-10 title and Rose Bowl berth, sending USC to other BCS game. (This is the one percent chance of this happening, considered Oregon State barely beat a lousy ASU team at home on Saturday, and still have to play Oregon, Cal and Arizona.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

Source: Paterno to soil himself to gain sympathy

STATE COLLEGE, PA - 81-year-old Joe Paterno, seething after his Nittany Lions were jumped by Texas Tech for the No. 2 spot in this week's BCS rankings, vowed to do everything he can to make sure Coaches' and Harris Poll voters know just how old and feeble he is to gain valuable sympathy votes to move back ahead in the rankings.

"An old man like me, jeez, I'm not going to get too many more chances," Paterno said. "I've got this bum knee and hip, and you know what that usually means for old people - a drastic collapse in health followed by sudden death. But if I knew that were playing for a national championship in January, that might be enough to keep me going."

Sources close to the legendary head coach said that along with playing up the status of his injured leg - which has kept him in the press box for much of this season - Paterno planned on a pattern of activities designed to show voters how frail and aging he is in order to elict enough sympathy for voters to put him in one last National Title game. Paterno's plans include:

• Visibly soiling himself during an interview with Erin Andrews before the team's game against Michigan St.
• Being shown in the press box during the team's game against Iowa being fed by his wife, with oatmeal being smeared all over his face and hair.
• Wondering when they started letting "Negros" play football.
• During all media interviews, addressing the reporter as "Grantland".
• Casting his Coaches' Poll vote for Cumberland.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:35 AM 0 comments