MLB to require all players to speak English; league to contract to 8 teams

NEW YORK - Following the lead of the LPGA, Major League Baseball announced today that all players must speak English by the start of the 2009 season or be banned from playing. In a related story, it was also announced that due to an expected lack of eligible players, the league would be contracting to eight teams for the 2009 season.

"It's really hampered us that some of our star athletes can't fully participate in marketing baseball here in the U.S. because they don't speak English," said Commissioner Bud Selig at a press conference. "This move addresses that fact. Unfortunately, the only way to address that fact was to eliminate 75 percent of our workforce."

To ensure a high level of play, the Commissioner's Office decided to contract teams rather than calling up the remaining American minor leaguers, lumping together teams from similar geographic regions. Joe Torre, manager of the soon-to-be-called San Angeles Padgers of Anaheim, expressed concern over the plan.

"It doesn't seem fair to be that a kid should have his livelihood taken away just because he can't speak English," Torre said. "I mean, look at Manny Ramirez - just because he grew up in the Dominican and only speaks Spanish, that doesn't mean the fans shouldn't get to see him play."

Torre refused to believe reporters who informed him that Ramirez in fact speaks English and grew up in New York.

Current and former players had differing reactions to the decision. Former Braves closer John Rocker applauded the decision. Meanwhile, Oaklansico Marin-A's star Ichiro Suzuki immediately fired his interpreter, and went on a lengthy tour of radio and TV shows, speaking in eloquent English about ihs feelings on the matter.

Selig said he has hired bilingual lip readers to work with replay officials in New York, and they have permission to indefinitely suspend anyone suspected of speaking a foreign language in the dugout or during a meeting on the mound.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:00 PM 0 comments  

2008 Handicapabling Challenge Week 1

Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.

But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.

So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.

First, my picks:

- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas

I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.

- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon

That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.

- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers

Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.

- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA

I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.

- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama

I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.

And now, presenting the picks for McLane:

I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.

God bless college football.

- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech

I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.

-Alabama +4 1/2 @ Clemson

Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.

This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.

-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA

Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.

-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.

This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.

The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM 1 comments  

Bolt Breaks Long Jump World Record Just For Fun

BEIJING - Hot off of winning the Olympic 100 and 200 meter events, Jamaican Usain Bolt claimed another gold medal today by setting a new World Record in the long jump. His jump of 29' 10 inches broke Mike Powell's 27 year-old record by 5.5 inches, stunning observers, officials and jumpers who didn't even know Bolt was in the competition.

After the race, Bolt said he was hanging out in the infield watching some friends compete in other events, when he noticed a break between rounds in the long jump final.

"I thought, why not, wouldn't it be funny if I ran down there and tried it," he said. "I've never tried the long jump before, but I guess they're saying that I had a pretty good jump."

Officials were stunned by Bolt's jump, and initially refused to measure it until they realized it was near world record length. They later allowed the jump to count, despite Bolt not being entered in the competition or having qualified through the preliminaries, because "well, it's hard to deny the guy when he broke the world record."

US Track & Field officials saw their protest of the leap denied, leaving Trevell Quinley out of the medal race. Officials based their appeal on the lack of paperwork, the fact that he was still wearing his warm-up jacket and pants with sneakers, and that "it's totally unfair that he's hogging all the Gold medals."

Olympic great Carl Lewis has one of a handful of observers who praised Bolt's abilities, but questioned his showboating antics during his jump.

"I find it disrespectful that he decided to spread his arms and make noises like he was an airplane while he did his jump," Lewis said. "That denegrates all the hard work long jumpers put into their event. That, and the fact that he set a world record having never done it before."

For his part, Bolt said he was done with competitions after the 4 x 100 relay, "unless I can get into that marathon thing on Saturday. How hard could that be?"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:54 PM 6 comments  

About my whereabouts...

I know that some of you have put out an APB for The Duke, since I haven't been posting too much on this here blog lately. The skinny: I've been doing some writing for the last few weeks at Sports by Brooks. It's a great opportunity to write for a top site, and do some writing that's different (i.e. gooder) than what I do here.

However, I have been falling asleep at the switch, so I promise to pay more attention to my home fires, so to speak, in the future. (Note: except the next post here in early 2009.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:44 PM 0 comments  

Chris Henry is a Bengal again?

There's nothing better than when a head coach is true to his word. Like when Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis told ESPN that there was no room on his team for players with questionable personal histories, after a rash of arrests, suspensions and general dumbassery by his team. Problem Child No. 1 being WR Chris Henry, who was cut by the team in April after his sixth arrest.

So of course, who did the Bengals sign today to replace injured star WR Ocho Cinco? Yup, Chris Henry.

In related news, the Detroit Lions have hired Mike Williams as their new Strength & Conditioning Coach, and President Bush has named Osama bin-Laden to head The War on Terror. Yeesh,

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:34 PM 0 comments  

Report: Belichik puts hit on Saban over Most Powerful Coach snub

BOSTON - Days after Forbes Magazine named Nick Saban as "The Most Powerful Coach in Sports," sources close to the Alabama football coach report that he had gone into hiding after hearing rumors of a pending hit put on his life by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichik.

Saban was absent from practice on Friday, and calls to his home, office and cell phone went unanswered. Sources close to Saban, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for retaliation, confirmed that Saban had been acting strangely over the past 24 hours.

"Nick was sky high after he heard about that Forbes Magazine thing," said the source. "I was hanging out with him at his office, and that's all he could talk about. Then his secretary came in and handed him a fax from the Patriots...man, as soon as he read that, he got a blank look on his face. I mean just froze. I don't know what the fax said, but it must have been bad."

There were unconfirmed reports of Saban being spotted at the Tuscaloosa airport in a disguise, asking an American Airlines ticket agent if there were any tickets available to South America that left as soon as possible.

This is not be the first time that Belichik has allegedly taken out rival coaches after they received positive press. Red Sox manager Terry Francona was found beaten and bloodied in the trunk of a car in the Fenway Park parking lots in January after being named "The Best Coach in Boston" by the Boston Globe. Francona refused to talk to police about the incident, calling it a "harmless prank" but authorities suspected Belichik.

"The only thing more frightening than Bill Belichik's power is how he uses it," said former FBI mafia expert John House. "He has a hair trigger and he's easily insulted. That's a dangerous combination for anyone unfortunate enough to cross him."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:54 PM 0 comments  

16 Days of Glory: Mary Decker eats it and lives on forever

We all had a favorite teacher in high school. Maybe yours was the nerdy algebra teacher with an affinity for Dungeons and Dragons, or the English Literature teacher half your junior class had a thing for, or perhaps the chemistry teacher that ran Mario Kart 64 tournaments in his lab at lunch and after school. While this last example is actually true in my case, the high school teacher I look back on as my favorite is surely Mr. Corbin.

I had Corbs for two classes in high school. Biology my sophomore year and biochemistry my second semester senior year. The man was a pretty damn good teacher and he certainly made things interesting for us, but what really set him apart from everyone else were his eccentricities.

The man was known to stop in mid-lecture to give five minutes of praise for what he called the greatest beverage on the planet, Iron City Light. He'd often pull his tin of Copenhagen out of his back pocket while making the rounds of our desks during the test and inhale the scent dramatically. Best of all, he'd simply "cancel" class during the first few days of March Madness so we could huddle around his television that looked to be from the Stone Age.

If you couldn't tell already, we didn't attend Corbs' class to learn, it was more about experiencing his overall goofiness. What really put him over the oddball threshold was his love for the 1984 Olympics and the official film from those Games, 16 Days of Glory, directed by Bud Greenspan.

We watched Carl Lewis dominate time and again, we saw Edwin Moses do his invincibility thing countless times, we saw Bud Greenspan set up dozens of clips all while NEVER, EVER TAKING THOSE GLASSES OFF THE TOP OF HIS STUPID HEAD, but we viewed one event more than any other.

Mary Decker getting tripped (skip ahead to 4:50 for the normal speed, 7:30 for the slow motion train wreck) and crying, whining, throwing a fit, getting her diaper changed, and most importantly quitting:



At least that's how Mr. Corbin saw it. You see, much like the great Walter Sobchek, Corbs was a veteran. He played and replayed Decker going down like a ton of bricks for us and always railed against her quitting on the side of the track and not getting up and "chasing that barefoot, little shit down," because as an American athlete, the last thing she should be doing is quitting.

Carl Lewis: WINNER.
Edwin Moses: WINNER.
Mary Lou Retton: WINNER.
Greg Louganis: GAY.
Mary Decker: QUITTER.

Besides pointing out Decker's obvious, un-American flaws, another reason behind showing the video was so he could make fun of Decker whining; let's be honest here, that's always a good time. Seriously, look at this:

Never not funny

So I guess my point in all of this is with the Olympics starting tomorrow, Mr. Corbin and his love for the Games are the first thing I think of. Through not teaching me a great deal of biology, he taught me so much more. He showed me the Olympics are all about the big moments and how athletes react to them, if they'll rise to the occasion or buckle under the pressure.

I'll tune in to see if Michael Phelps and his giant mouth of teeth can earn 8 gold medals, and I'll turn on the tube just in time to see USA Basketball suck it up again (I still say they're in trouble...move the ball, fellas,) and I might even make it a point to check out some of that team handball nonsense the Duke loves so much, especially if things get, um, interesting.

And if something awful or out of the ordinary happens, that will just be icing on the cake, making it all the more memorable.

Posted by McLane at 2:48 PM 3 comments  

Catch Team Handball fever

I loved the Olympics when I was a kid. During the 1984 Summer Games in Los Angeles, I think I watched every minute of programming (amazing to think it was even possible to do that back then, what with NBC's planned 3,600 hours of coverage of the Beijing Games). There were two sports that fascinated me as a kid that I caught during those games, so much so that I decided to try them out in my backyard. One was the steeplechase - I stacked some of my Dad's old coolers up to form a giant hurdle, and then dug a hole out in the dirt part of our backyard and filled it with water to make a hazard.

If steeplechase was unusual, the other one was downright bizarre - team handball. I cold not get enough of it from the scattered hours here and there that they showed on ABC's coverage. I got a book out of the library that had the rules, and actually set up a practice field in my backyard, with markers for various spots on the court, and tape on the side door to the garage to mark the goal. I thought that maybe this could be my ticket to the Olympics - since almost no one played Team Handball in the US, maybe I could make it just by actually playing it. I used to try and get my friends over to play games, but...well, let's be honest here, the kid who gets hooked on Team Handball is going to be lumped in with the paste eaters and glue sniffers when you are eight years old.

Well, I never made it to the US Olympic Team Handball squad (and in fact, the US actually had abandoned the sport as an Olympic competition until recently). But it still fascinates me, and I'd watch it a lot of it was on TV in the US. But it isn't except for once every four years, which is the main reason I care about the Olympics. Ask me if I have a Wish List on my Tivo for Team Handball, and you'd be frightened to know the answer.

What is Team Handball? Well, it's kind of like a mixture of basketball, soccer and lacrosse. The goal is to get the ball (a handheld version of a soccer ball) into the other team's goal (about the size of a lacrosse goal). You dribble like basketball, but you can't get to within a certain distance from the goal - at least, you can't touch the ground inside that area. But you can jump as get as close as you want and shoot the ball before you land. Which leads to a lot of crazy, acrobatic plays:



Do yourself a favor: set your Tivo this week and catch at least one Team Handball match. You won't be disappointed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:57 PM 1 comments  

Cuauhtemoc Blanco is still, um, feisty

When MLS brought in aging Mexican soccer star Cuauhtemoc Blanco last season and allocated him to the Chicago Fire, they knew what they were getting - a world-class player on the downside of his career who has courted controversy wherever he has gone and has just as many ardant fans as people who hate his guts. Think of Dennis Rodman, but not as much of a one-trick pony.

There's no question that he's been worth it for the Fire - he's been revitalized since coming to the MLS, and looks as good on the field at 35 as he has in years. But he's excelled at the things that most people hate about soccer: diving, dirty fouls, whining to the refs, trying to instigate and provoke opponents. Basically, he's the symbol for a lot of US Soccer fans of why we hate Mexican soccer.

Well, he was up to usual antics earlier this month during a US Open Cup match versus DC United. In the span of a few minutes, Blanco:

Punched United midfielder Clyde Simms in the stomach and poked him in the eye
Refused to leave the field after receiving a red card
Head-butted a United team official who tried to guide him off the field

So for all of this, Blanco was suspended for two years, which might seem harsh but certainly there is no place in soccer for...wait, he was only suspended from the US Open Cup for two years and not all US soccer? The US Open Cup - a tournament that 90 percent of soccer fans don't even know exist?

Good thing he didn't go "Last Action Hero" one someone with a revolver at the end of the game - they might have really come down hard on him then - maybe even a fine as well!

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 5:36 PM 0 comments  

"You boys sure are drinkin' fools": a YFIASB Fan Fest Recap

As mentioned last week, this Saturday night was the inaugural Your Face is a Sports Blog Fan Fest, held at Manzanita Speedway in Phoenix. I'd like the thank all of the fans who came by the booth to see it - I know the lines were kind of long, and I'm sorry that we couldn't sign for everyone. But rest assured we'll be doing more of these in the future, and hopefully we'll have better crowd control then.

Actually, I'm lying: the "fans" consisted of McLane's brother Rob and the blog's No. 1 commenter Clydesdale. But regardless, I can report that the evening was a total success. The races were pretty darned good - even without the big sprint cars (rescheduled for some reason), there was a lot of good sporty racing. The mini-sprints put on a good show, and there were even a couple of cool looking (but benign) flips.

But what really sold everyone on the races were the $2 beers. In a can.

Manzanita Speedway has a running promotion where their beers are half-priced from when the gates open (about 5:30 p.m.) to the first race (about 7 p.m. or so). Needless to say, our crew arrived early, headed to the beer stand and each order a tall, cool MGD. After heading to the bleachers and quickly finishing our first round, McLane decided to go make a beer run, and try to bring back extras so we wouldn't have to keep going back and forth.

Now normally, you can't order more than two beers per customer - in fact, there was a giant sign at the beer stand stating as much. Thankfully, the women working the counter seemed to take a pretty...liberal?...view of this law, as judged by the follow conversation:

Beer Lady: "What can I get for you?"

McLane: "How many beers can I get?"

Beer Lady: "How many do you want?"

(McLane starts grinning from ear to ear.)

McLane: "How about 8?"

The Beer Lady then proceeded to grab eight beers and put them into a plastic grocery bag along with a bunch of ice. McLane said that he had the sense that she had done this exact thing before.

Thus, "Bags o' Beer" became the phrase of the night, as in how many we would get. The first race was delayed for a variety of reasons, giving us more time to pound down beers and then make a "last" run to the beer stand for a Bag o' Beer. We wound up getting four Bags o' Beer, which is amazing considering that Clydesdale was driving and stopped drinking after maybe two. Using my math skills, I can tell you that left a lot for the three of us.

On a related note: loading up on Jack in the Box tacos afterwards right before going to bed might help avoid a hangover, but the trade-off is basically feeling like you ingested Drano the rest of the night.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:57 AM 2 comments  

Classic 80's and 90's RBI Baseball moments

I don't think it's any secret the Duke and I have an affinity for all things RBI Baseball. The two of us flew halfway across the country a few years ago to participate in a tournament, so trust me when I say we're far crazier than you.

For the first time since Nolan Ryan and Don Sutton were young pups, the stretch run of Major League Baseball doesn't have an RBI Baseball veteran involved. With the looming incarceration of Roger Clemens and Julio Franco pushing his walker around the basepaths somewhere in Mexico, the big leagues are bereft of men who were once represented on the NES by pixelated, short, fat, white guys.

Now is as good a time as any to remember a simpler time, and take a look back at a few memorable baseball moments from the 80's and 90's...through an RBI Baseball colored lens.

First we have the infamous safe call made by Don Denkinger in the '85 World Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Kansas City Royals:


And if it weren't obvious enough the wrong call was made, here's a closeup:


Staying with the Royals, we have one of my all-time favorite baseball moments, George Brett going ballistic in the Pine Tar Game:


And now some more George Brett goodness (loyal reader Bonny should be pleased,) complete with Morganna and her friends:


Next up is an image we've featured on Your Face is a Sports Blog before, Vince Coleman being swallowed up by the Tarp Monster:


Jose Canseco was recently in the news for getting knocked out, but let's not forget, it wasn't the first time that lump three feet above his ass got drilled:


The Braves unreal run of over a decade of division titles is mercifully over, but back in '91, they were the darlings of baseball, going worst to first and facing the Twins in the World Series. Who can forget fat Kent Hrbek pulling Ron Gant off first base?


Or Kirby Puckett's memorable catch against the plexiglass?


Last but not least, let's all thank our lucky stars for Enrico Palazzo:





-big hugs and sloppy kisses go to Beefmaster, Beejay, the Duke, Teddyballgame, and JerryD, for graciously supplying the images

Posted by McLane at 9:27 AM 2 comments