Eli Manning...Legend in the Making?

So there's this quarterback, right? He's from the South, and he becomes a star in the SEC. There's a lot of hype about him coming out of college, and after a lot of fanfare, he winds up in the Big Apple, where he's expecting to revive a failing team.

Immediately, there are problems: the media is all over him, a lot of his teammates don't like him, and the fans...oh, the fans. Every week there are questions about his ability, his maturity, and, more than anything else, his ability to be a leader of men.

And things aren't going great on the field, either, for the first few seasons. A great performance is followed up by a terrible one. He leads the league in interceptions twice in his first three seasons. Coming into his fourth season, a lot of people have had enough, and even his supporters are starting to question him.

Then, something happens in his fourth season. But not at first - for most of the season, it's the same problems as before. But, somehow, when his team needs big performances late, he gives it to them. Then, the playoffs come and he's brilliant - almost a different quarterback. The two-headed monster at running back is working, and he's the one pulling the strings. There's a confidence in his gaze and his stride that no one has ever seen before. His teammates see this and feed off of it - suddenly, he's their guy, and they'll run through walls for him.

And so he leads his team into the Super Bowl, where he faces unbelievable odds, against a seemingly invincible coach. And you know what? He wins that game, and in doing so becomes a legend.

Who am I talking about? If you said "Eli Manning," go stab yourself in the face with an ice pick. He hasn't led the league in INTs twice - just this season. I'm talking about Broadway Joe himself.

Yes, I'm comparing this guy:























...to this guy:



























...and I'm aware of how insane that seems. But the facts are the facts, and the similarities between Eli Manning as he prepares for the Super Bowl and Joe Namath ahead of Super Bowl III are kind of eerie. Look at their numbers through their first four seasons:

Namath: 55 G, 50.0 Pct., 12,753 YD, 78 TD, 87 INT
E. Manning: 57 G, 54.7 Pct., 11,385 YD, 77 TD, 64 INT

Not to say that this is destiny or anything, but if we're lucky, Eli will be starring in crappy Italian movies within two years, something we all need to see. Or, he could wind up doing an updated version of this commercial, which I'm sure no one wants to see:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:36 PM 5 comments  

A Weekend Recap: Interesting Things That I...OHMYGODELIMANNINGISINTHESUPERBOWL!

You should have seen a lot of updates from me this past weekend, as there was a lot of sports on tap, and despite my being on vacation in Monterey with my family, a lot of sports that I watched. However, you can thank the IT department that administers the "free" WiFi at the Ramada Inn for your lack of updates. When the Internets isn't working on Saturday, and you call the technical support number, and their answer is "uh, I guess we'll trying restarting the server?", you probably are going to be without the wireless Interweb for the rest of the weekend.

So, Let's recap some of the weekend's news stories, in a pithy yet easy-to-digest format:

Let's get the big thing out of the way: Eli Manning is starting the Super Bowl. If you could go back to your past self, say, six weeks ago, and try to explain this to him/her, they would probably shoot you on sight, since clearly you aren't from the future but from Bizarro World.

Perhaps the most bizarre thing out of all of this is that Eli Manning led not one, but two potentially game-winning drives on Sunday, putting the Giants in position to kick the game-winning field goal. And both times the Giants fucked that up, thanks to Lawrence "Norwood" Tynes. AND SOMEHOW THEY STILL WON THE GAME! Albeit, not with a third game-winning drive by Eli - that's just asking too much - but thanks to a dumb throw by Brett Favre.

Which - no surprise - wasn't the only bad throw he made on Sunday. And - no surprise - Joe Buck and Troy Aikman seemed unwilling or just unable to point out. If it wasn't for the fact that RW McQuarters apparently eats a pound of bacon with his bare hands on the sidelines before taking the field (leading to two fumbles), the Giants wouldn't have needed overtime, and it would have been thanks to Brett Favre's poor decisions. (Not to mention the two or three times he threw lame ducks into triple coverage and got away with no being picked off).

Here's the weird part: in the second half, every time Eli Manning went back to pass, you expected something good to happen. Maybe he would get a completion, or a receiver would draw a flag. But you had that same feeling of inevitability that you usually get from his brother, or Tom Brady or...Brett Favre.

How did this happen? Has any QB ever made such huge strides in such a short period of time? It was just midseason that Eli was throwing interceptions like they were butterscotch candies from the Shriners' float at the local parade. Now he's suddenly Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and John Elway all rolled into one.

As for the other championship game: that went about like everyone expected. The Chargers were able to move the ball fairly well, especially considering that their QB was apparently playing while missing an ACL. Which you kind of need. And their star running back still had all of his various ligaments in his knee, but one of them was bruised so he sat out most of the game. Which, in comparison, kind of makes him a giant pussy.

The Pats did what they've done the whole second half of the season: let a lesser team stick around, and just when it gets interesting...drive, touchdown, game out of reach, yawn. I'm actually sitting here thinking to myself, "Wow, they can't do that against the Giants - Eli will burn them if they let him hang around." And my mind was just blown.

And, oh yeah, USC beat UCLA in basketball. Men's basketball. At UCLA. Which, in the face of Eli Manning starting in the Super Bowl, doesn't seem that odd at all.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:31 AM 2 comments  

Scott McCartney's Horrific Downhill Crash at Kitzbuehel

If you haven't been paying attention, American's Favorite Drunk Skier Bode Miller has left the US National team and is competing on his own in the World Cup this year, which is practically unheard of. The amazing part is that he's having one of his best seasons in recent years training and competing on his own, current standing third in the Overall Standings, with two victories on the season.

This weekend brought a tie for second at the downhill race in Kitzbuehel, Austria (which is pretty much the Daytona of skiing). Unfortunately, the story of the race wasn't Miller, or winner Didier Cuche, but a horrific crash by American Scott McCartney on the final jump of the race. In case you are curious, McCartney is reportedly in good condition with no serious injuries other than a concussion.

Still...ugh. I think I'll stay on the bunny slopes. (Note: video commentary in German. Or possibly Hungarian. Or some other European, guttural language.)



And I know some people are going to wonder: since he crossed the finish line, we has scored as having finished 33rd out of 55 finishers. Which a) has to sting if you finished behind an unconscious guy and b) may or may not be even more impressive than Clint Bowyer finishing the Daytona 500 upside down and on fire last year:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:39 AM 7 comments  

Finally! The Feds Got Dana Stubblefield

Folks, our national nightmare is over. The Federal Government finally brought the big hammer down on the BALCO investigation, and in the face of overwhelming evidence, we have a guilty plea. !

What, you didn't think I was talking about Barry Bonds, did you? Get serious - that case is going to be tied up in courts for so long that by the time they get to trial, it will be heard by Judge Dredd. No, I'm talking about former NFL lineman Dana Stubblefield, who today pleaded guilty to one count of lying to federal agents about his use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs during the BALCO investigation, including "The Clear" (who I think is going to be playing the Coachella festival on the second stage this year - great band).

But the punishment is going to be steep - up to five year in prison. Except for the fact "based on sentencing guidelines and other cases, Stubblefield is likely to receive anywhere from no jail time to six months."

This all reminds me that somehow, Dana Stubblefield was the Defensive Player of the Year in 1997. Looking back, isn't that one of the flukiest things ever (or a statement on how little importance to put on the Defensive Player of the Year award)? But if we can't believe in Dana Stubblefield, who can we believe in? Dan Wilkerson? Bryant Young?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:58 PM 0 comments  

What the Hell Happened to the Cal Football Program?

If you didn't see the other day, junior Cal WR/KR and former Heisman Trophy candidate DeSean Jackson announced that he is skipping his senior season to enter the NFL Draft. The decision isn't that surprising - he's Mel Kiper Jr.'s No. 1 rated junior wide receiver, and a solid mid-first round pick in most mock drafts. In short, he's going to be making a lot of money next year when he suits up for an NFL team.

But let's take a look at Cal for a second. Remember earlier this season, after they knocked off Oregon in what during a normal season would have been a Game of the Year candidate, how they were supposed to be the team that was going to stand up to USC, and how they had an inside track to a BCS title game berth?

Flash-forward to today. The wheels on the bus completely fell off in the second half of the season. After rising to as high as No. 2 in the polls, Cal lost six of their last seven regular season games, and needed to rally from three touchdowns down to beat Air Force in their bowl game. Quarterback Nate Longshore completely fell apart, and might be riding the pine next season in favor of Kevin Riley, who lead the bowl comeback.

And speaking of next season...yikes. As the San Jose Mercury News article points out, Jackson's departure leaves the receiving corp unusually thin:

Jackson's departure leaves the Bears without much experience at receiver. Jackson, along with seniors Lavelle Hawkins and Robert Jordan, were Cal's top pass-catchers last season.

Junior LaReylle Cunningham is the only receiver left in the program who has caught a pass in a game. He has eight receptions.

Next season, the Bears probably will need immediate contributions from potential star Michael Calvin, who redshirted last season as a freshman; and redshirt freshman Jeremy Ross. Cal also could get a huge boost from Nyan Boateng, a transfer from Florida whose status on the team is up in the air after he ran into legal trouble last summer. Boateng, who had to sit out last season anyway because of NCAA transfer rules, was suspended from all team activities during the fall. Tedford said he will talk with Boateng about his status next week.

So think USC at the start of this season, except without the experience, and you have a pretty idea about what the possibly new starting quarterback will have to work with. And oh yeah, did I mention that the Bears have to replace the third-leading rusher in school history - Justin Forsett? The cupboard is looking decidedly bare around Berkeley these days?

How the hell did this happen? Needless to say, when your team collapses in what was supposed to be "their year", the head coach has to answer a lot of questions, and Jeff Tedford did make some changes, primarily bringing in former 49ers QB coach Frank Cignetti as the new offensive coordinator, and taking more of a hands-off role with the offense (including play-calling duties) so he can concentrate more on the overall team.

But is that enough? I remember just a few years ago, when Tedford's name was connected with all sorts of high-profile coaching positions (some even in the NFL). Now? He's reshuffling his staff and delegating duties to assistants in order to keep the fans and administration happy. I don't know how much longer this can go on: Cal desperately needs new facilities - their stadium has a giant crack running through it, for God's sake - and this has been a constant source of strife between Tedford and the school for years. Unfortunately, being 7-7 in games played in November or later the last three years doesn't exactly fire everyone up for the off-season.

As for upcoming seasons? Right now they are sixth in the PAC-10 in recruiting, and No. 34 in the country according to Scout.com. Of course, take that with a grain of salt, since that only includes signed commitments, and a lot of big names will wait until Signing Day (thus why USC is down at No. 19 nationally). But here's where to get worried: out of the Rivals.com Top 100, Cal has zero commitments and only one player (Cyrus Gray) even considering the school - and he is leaning towards Texas A&M. Meanwhile, USC has commitments or interest from 12 of the Top 100, while UCLA and Arizona St. have three each. Even Stanford has a verbal commitment from a Top 100 player.

So where does this leave Cal? Definitely at a crossroads. I have a feeling they could be looking at a sub-.500 this year, and that Jeff Tedford's hot seat might just become unbearable (no pun intended) before it's all said and done.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Flooding, Destruction of Cleveland Fulfills BCS Game Bet

COLUMBUS - Ohio Governor Ted Strickland appeared at the state Capitol today wearing a smile and an LSU Tigers jersey. He was there to make good on a pre-BCS Title Game bet with Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal by announcing Jan. 20th as the date for the destruction of Cleveland by a major flood from Lake Erie.

"When I first called Governor Jindal to make this bet, we agreed to each make a bet based on what our state is most famous for," Strickland said. "Looking back, agreeing to release millions of tons of water from the dams around Lake Erie and unleashing a murderous torrent onto the citizens of our largest city hardly seems like a fair trade against a gallon of Louisiana hot sauce. But, a bet is a bet, and hey, it's just football, right?"

The Governor then immediately began expressing his condolences to the tens of thousands of Cleveland residents who will lose loved ones, their homes and livelihoods in the pending disaster.

Sources say that Strickland called Jindal immediately after LSU's 38-24 victory over Ohio St. on Jan. 7 to offer his congratulations and to beg Governor Jindal to spare his city. Jindal reportedly responded by declining, saying that "I guess we won't be alone at the bottom of every national survey on people who are homeless, unemployed or committing crimes, now will we?"

Despite the fact that Cleveland will between submerged in three to five feet within three days, Strickland expressed confidence that the turn-around and recovery will be swift.

"Governor Jindal has pledged that he will let the boys from FEMA know about our problem, and that they will be up there just soon as they are done repairing New Orleans," Strickland said. "I'm sure we'll be seeing the first FEMA crews any day now."

The entire Ohio St. offensive line has volunteered to man all dams, in an attempt to stop any water flows resulting in the opening of all gates. However, Strickland dismissed the effort as "futile."

"We're talking millions of gallons of water, and frankly, these guys couldn't stop a blitzing linebacker, much less nature's destructive fury," Strickland said.

In concert with Strickland's announcement, the Cleveland Visitor & Convention Bureau also announced a new "The Parts of Cleveland That Aren't Underwater or Teeming With Rotting Corpses Rocks!" tourism campaign.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

A Tip for Aspiring Bloggers

Do not make the decision to host your blog on Blogger.com. Invariably, you will a) realize that Blogger isn't able to do some basic stuff (such as jump-cuts for long, individual posts), b) have a weird glitch come up with no explanation (such as why the AddThis buttons have mysteriously disappeared/decided to link to bad pages all of the sudden) and c) find no technical support other than telling you to post to a message board where maybe you won't get horrible advice.

Trust me kids, find another option...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:28 PM 0 comments  

Moss Accused of Running up the Score on Unidentified Female

BOSTON - In what critics are calling another example of the New England Patriots' arrogance and lack of respect for their opponents, star wide receiver Randy Moss was accused today of running up the score on an unidentified woman's face.

"All year, the Patriots have refused to back down, even when the game was well out of reach," said Fox NFL analyst Jay Glazer. "Sources tell me that this woman put up as good of a fight as a 110 lb. female could against a 200-plus pound athlete. But clearly, she was overmatched. The respectful thing for Randy Moss to do would be to stop punching her in the face, or at least bring in a back-up WR or even the punter to finish things out. By staying in until the end, not only did Randy Moss risk injury to his valuable hands, but he did something that was the ultimate in disrespect to this woman. Other than, you know, punching her in the face."

For his part, Moss insisted that he had done nothing wrong.

"I'm a professional athlete, and I've always been taught to finish what you start," Moss said. "I'm sure she understands that as well, and would say so if her mouth wasn't so swollen from me punching her in the face."

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick would not comment on Moss' situation, other than to say in his weekly press conference that there's "always room" for improvement in anything a player does, including punching women in the face.

Moss's opponent was unavailable for comment, as she was recovering from having been repeatedly punched in the face by someone twice her size.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:10 PM 0 comments  

Ken Norton Jr. Breaks Bruin Hearts Again

You know Ken Norton, Jr. All-American linebacker at UCLA. The only player in NFL history to play on three consecutive Super Bowl-winning teams. Wanted to coach at his alma mater after his playing career but was told by Karl Dorrell that there was no room on the staff, he decided to take a job with his former defensive coordinator Pete Carroll at USC. Is now the linebackers coach for the Trojans, a squad that makes it their mission to destroy UCLA offensive players on a yearly basis, almost like someone had something to prove or an axe to grind.

Well, Rick Neuheisel decided to try and make a "big splash" by convincing Norton to come back to UCLA in the same position. And, just like you would think would happen, Norton listened and waited long enough to get Bruins' hopes up, before driving a stake through their hearts by announcing that he's not leaving USC after all.

At least Norm Chow is now available after he received his pink slip from the Titans today. (I found it interesting to read about his firing in the LA Times one day after they said he wasn't a serious candidate at UCLA because he had "just signed a contract extension." Am I missing something here?) Bringing him back as offensive coordinator to compete against Carroll, whom he had a "frosty" relationship with, could be one way to needle USC a bit. Then again, Chow is under the perpetual notion that he's just one interview away from becoming a head coach somewhere, when in fact Chow Yun Fat has a better chance of becoming a head football coach than Norm Chow.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:16 PM 0 comments  

Rare photo of ugly female student shocks Arizona St. community

TEMPE, AZ - Arizona State University officials were scrambling on Tuesday to determine how an unattractive female student was able to be photographed at a recent basketball game - a photo which was then published by CNN/SI and has since rocked the school to its core.

"Arizona State University has a reputation that we need to uphold at all costs," said school President Dr. Michael Crow. "We've forged a singular image in the academic world - that of a place teeming with some of the hottest pieces of co-ed ass imaginable. When you think of Arizona State, you think of one thing only - some nubile 19 year-old with a tan, lithe body, with a snug T-shirt barely covering her supple yet firm breasts. We've worked too hard for to long at building this image to let some...well, let's just say Washington State-caliber student...ruin it for all of us."

The photo in question appeared in a CNN/SI online photo gallery called "College Superfans." Crow promised an immediate investigation into the situation, which he characterized as "extremely complex."

"First off, we need to find out how our PR and marketing team could let this happen," Crow said. "Our entire team of publicists is trained to spot any media camera from up to 200 yards away and immediately direct them towards the most attractive female students. Obviously, something went wrong there. And clearly, we'll have to review our security procedures at home game."

Starting in 1987, Arizona State has offered students who do not meet certain height, weight, cup size and "overall attractiveness" requirements special seating in a section called "The Cow Palace", located in a dark, hidden corner of the stadium or arena. In addition, all "Cow Palace" members are encouraged to wear complimentary masks depicting the current head coach of the sports team playing as a way to "encourage excitement and spirit among our genetically-challenged students."

"Clearly, this person snuck into the general student seating," Crow said. "Whether security thought she was some sort of malted ice cream salesperson, or if she intimidated them through the threat of bulk and force, it's hard to say."

Crow said the University would institute an immediate emergency plan aimed at raising its Overall Hotness Index level back to pre-incident levels. Measures include: an immediate sale on baby doll and cut-off T-shirts at the student bookstore; installation of free tanning booths and beauty salons outside of every on-campus building; contacting Playboy about a "Girls of Arizona State" spread as quickly as possible; and hiring of 10-12 additional Certified Bikini Inspectors to act as a last line of defense.

(Note: There was originally a picture of a female ASU student who, in my opinion, was not up to the usual hotness levels of most Sun Devil coeds (as evidenced below), at the beginning of this post. To placate a handful of Chubby Chasers who got all offended about it avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I took that photo down. Although if you go to the original CNN/SI photo section, I bet you can guess who it is...)

Arizona State co-eds who have met the school's Minimum
Hotness Requirement (MHR) for sitting within camera
range during sporting events indicate that they like kinky sex.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:58 AM 25 comments