Dick Enberg, the Padres and Announcers Who Are Ready for the Retirement Home

A few weeks ago I was perusing some sports news online when I came across a story that literally made me do a double take. It didn't involve a player or a coach, but a broadcaster. It was the news that Dick Enberg was taking over as the play-by-play voice for the San Diego Padres starting next season. Reading this got me very, very angry – and at first I couldn't figure out why.


Why would I be so bothered that Dick Enberg was taking a job doing TV broadcasts for the Padres? After all, he's something of a broadcasting legend, and by all accounts – and I've heard several living in Southern California – nothing but a class act. There was no rational reason I could think of why reading about his new gig in San Diego should bother me so much.

Then I thought back to the last few NFL games that I heard Enberg do and remembered something: he's really, really lost it. In the past few games I've seen him cover, he's mixed up teams and players, forgotten down and distance – all the sort of things that a “veteran” like him shouldn't be doing.

What got me so mad was the fact that he wasn't getting the gig because of his current abilities but based on what we remember him being like. It's a form of sports nostalgia that we want to hear familiar voices calling games for us. But at some point the people who have been calling games for decades need to realize that they are far on the downside of their careers and make way for some new talent.

Somewhere, some kid in his 20s with a ton of talent who deserves a chance with a big league club is stuck doing play-by-play for the Fresno Grizzles or the Chattanooga Lookouts because there aren't enough spots open with major league teams. Meanwhile, the Padres are signing Dick Enberg to a contract – not because he's going to be the voice of the Padres for years to come but because...well, he's a name and a voice that people know, so he's a safe bet. Chances are that the management who decided to make the hire hadn't heard him call a game in years.

Believe me, I understand the lure of a familiar voice. I'm lucky enough to live in Los Angeles and get the chance to hear Vin Scully call Dodger games on a regular basis. Even though I'm decidedly not a Dodgers fan, I still get goosebumps hearing him call a game. The difference with Vin Scully being that even at his advanced age, I can't remember the last time I heard him make a significant mistake during a broadcast.

I don't mean to pick on Dick Enberg – there are any number of longtime play-by-play guys who are currently holding on to their positions just because of seniority and the work that they've done in the past. One example that comes to mind is Dick Stockton, who managed to screw the dramatic final minutes of the New York Jets vs. Atlanta Falcons game up about as badly as possible. I was watching the game, so I saw and heard it firsthand, but I'll let the august New York Times give you the particulars of the train wreck:

Late in the fourth quarter, with the Jets up, 7-3, Atlanta scored on a pass to Tony Gonzalez. Stockton said: "And Atlanta comes within a point of tying the score with 1:38 in regulation."

Instead of correcting Stockton, Davis analyzed the replay. (It should be noted that Stockton accurately predicted that the fourth down pass would go to Gonzalez.)

As Matt Bryant lined up for the extra point, Stockton said, "And this is a very important point after by Matt Ryan." (Well, in the grand scheme of things, Stockton was right, but Ryan is the Falcons’ quarterback, not their place kicker.)

After Bryant’s successful kick, Stockton said: "We’re tied at 10."

And so the drama of the fourth down touchdown that could have ended the Jets' playoff chances (little did we know how far the rest of the AFC would sink and just how little respect the Colts would have for the integrity of the game) was completely sapped by a comically inept play-by-play call. Of course, if you read Awful Announcing you know this isn't the first time Stockton has blown a call this year.

But yet he's still out there calling big games! Why? Because HE'S DICK STOCKTON! You remember hearing him calling the Lakers vs. Celtics games from the 1980s, right? Are you going to be the guy who tells Dick Stockton that he doesn't have it anymore? Plus, calling any game is better than staying at home when this filly is waiting for you at the pasture:



I could go on. A few weeks ago ESPN let Gary Bender call a couple of NBA games when Marv Albert (a veteran who can still get it done) was down with a sore throat. You might not know who Gary Bender is, which is kind of crazy since he called some of the biggest college basketball games of the last 30 years? Remember when NC State beat Houston on Lorenzo Charles' putback as time expired in 1983? He called that game.

Well, he's still calling games more than 25 years later, but unlike fine wine he's not getting better with age. Here's fknmclane paraphrasing a call of a play involving Lou Admunson and Juwuan Howard (who I still can't believe is still in the league):

Gary Bender: "...and they're going to call a travel on Amundson."

Reggie Miller: "uh"

Gary Bender: "no, it's a charge."

Reggie Miller: "uh"

Gary Bender: "no, it's a block on Howard. They're calling a block on Howard."

Much like old generals, old play-by-play men don't die. But they don't fade away either – they just drift into regional broadcasts and local TV, clogging up the airwaves with their confusion and ineptitude until someone has the decency to put them (and the viewers/listeners) out of their misery.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:51 AM 8 comments  

Sports Motivational Posters

Big Huge Labs has a fun program where you can make your own "Motivational" poster. You know, the one that your cheesy boss has of a rock climber that says something like "Endurance: Having the grit to hang tough"? So I thought, there are certainly some posters that could be made involving athletes in the news.

Brett Favre:

Danica Patrick:

Kimbo Slice:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 1 comments  

Waffle House signs Tiger Woods to endorsement deal

Norcroft, GA - After losing several high-profile endorsements in recent weeks, Tiger Woods gained a rare new endorsement on Sunday, as Waffle House announced they had inked the embattled golfer to a multi-year deal.

Waffle House CEO Joe Rogers said that recent revelations of Woods' infidelity and other indiscretions in his personal life were far from a turn-off for his brand; in fact it brought Woods “closer” to the Waffle House demographic.

“When I heard that he wrecked his SUV after his wife was chasing him in the middle of night with a golf club because he was cheating on her, my first thought was 'Bingo',” Rogers said. “That pretty much sums up why most of our customers wind up eating at Waffle House in the first place.”

Rogers added that Woods' recent fall from grace made it possible for Waffle House to afford bringing him on-board as a celebrity spokesperson.

“Just like our All-Star Special, Tiger Woods is a great deal that's only going to be available for a limited time,” Rogers said. “It's fair to say that much like our hash browns are smothered and covered in gravy, Tiger's been smothered and covered in controversy lately.”

Waffle House will be filming their first commercial with Woods after the New Year. The planned 30-second spot will be dialogue-free and feature Woods drunkenly leering at a moderately-attractive Waffle House waitress. The commercial will end with the restaurant chain's new tag line “Waffle House: If It's Good Enough For Tiger, It's Good Enough For You.”

Woods released a statement through his Web site that was “thrilled” was the new endorsement and “didn't at all consider it to be a massive step down from Accenture or Tag Heuer.”

Woods replaces previous Waffle House spokesperson John Daly, who Rogers said was let go after “failing to live up to the brand image” by failing to get arrested or vomit on himself during a tournament over the past six months.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Watchmaker Tag Heuer Axes Award-Winner Tiger (news.sky.com)
• US tabloid 'buried 2007 scoop' on Tiger Woods affair (guardian.co.uk)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 AM 1 comments  

NASCAR reviews in-race Twitter policy after 20-car crash

NASCAR officials today announced that they would review their social media policies after driver Robby Gordon caused a 20-car crash while posting a status update during this weekend’s Pep Boys 500 at Atlanta Motor Speedway.


“We’ve always been extremely fan friendly, and NASCAR always embraces ways to connect our fans with the drivers,” said NASCAR President Mike Helton. “However, maybe we need to scale that down a bit, at least during races.”

Gordon apparently took his eyes off the road during lap 72 of the race to attempt to update his Twitter page on the handling of his car. An in-car camera showed that while he was using his iPhone, he apparently did not see the pack of cars ahead of him slowing to go into the first turn, eventually causing a wreck that took out almost half the field.

“I don’t think we need to stop Twittering,” Gordon said. “I mean, it’s too bad that all those cars got wrecked, but the big issue is technology. I think if I can just weld the iPhone to my steering wheel, I won’t have to worry about fumbling for it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:02 PM 1 comments  

Bobby Bowden: now 75 percent lifelike!

I’ve awoken from my stupor of college football, chocolate Zingers and RC Cola to reflect on the opening weekend. And not to get too hyperbolic about it, but I can’t remember a weekend loopier than this. Usually, the first week is nothing but powerhouses squashing “opponents” with the occasional Big Ten also-ran getting beaten by a MAC team, or a secondary player getting hurt.

Not this year, though: within the course of five days, several teams saw their national title hopes either created or destroyed while the reigning Heisman Trophy winner got piledriven into nothingness. And I’m not even getting into Punchgate yet. Here are some random thoughts on three things I learned after the opening weekend of the college football season:

Bobby Bowden is officially fossilized: I watched the entire Florida State vs. Miami game last night (which for once was actually decent) and I’m pretty sure that Bobby Bowden didn’t move once. Perhaps the assistants changed his position on occasion so he looked “lifelike”, but it was pretty obvious that either they’re just rolling out a wax likeness of Bowden, or he’s completely been fossilized like a dinosaur.

As McLane told me, at this point they’re just taking Bowden out “for his weekly walk” and plunking him on the sidelines while Mickey Andrews coaches the team, while Bowden quietly mutters about Charlie Ward’s point guard skills and where the hell is Chris Weinke?

The worst was the time management on Florida State’s final drive. After the Seminoles completed a pass to inside Hurricanes’ five-yard line with 47 seconds to go, they didn’t have another play ready to run. Instead, they had to have receivers running to the sidelines to wait for a play and then rely that to QB Christian Ponder.

Twenty seconds went by before they got the next play off. Of course, Florida State ran out of time to complete their comeback – think those 20 seconds mattered? To make it worse, the Seminoles had a time out and didn’t use it. And while all this confusion happened, Bowden just stood there with a glazed look on his face, as if he was watching the giant unicorns dance with Thelma Todd and Louise Parker somewhere in the distance.

Here’s Mark May breaking down the total collapse – and he’s being generous not to rip Bowden a new one just because he’s old and probably soiled himself (Bowden, not Mark May).

So much for the “little guys” being little: One of the most infuriating things I saw all weekend was Bob “0-3 in bowls” Davie rambling during the Boise State vs. Oregon game about how teams like the Broncos couldn’t compete week in and week out in “big boy” conferences like the PAC-10 because they lacked the depth. Which I think is a pretty pat and stale argument, but it wasn’t as bad as how he tried to prove his point.

He busted out a graphic that compared Boise State’s players taken in the NFL draft in recent years versus the PAC-10 average. As you would expect, Boise State was behind the PAC-10 average and well behind USC. Therefore, Boise State lacked the depth and the big play talent to compete.

This is, of course, a crock of crap. Looking past the fact that talent does not equal wins (as Davie should know from his wasted years at Notre Dame), let’s think about this for a second. Do you think that there were players from Boise State who were better than players from bigger schools but maybe didn’t get drafted because of where they were from? (Note: the Sarcasm Meter is off the chart at this point.)

I can promise you that at least 25 percent of USC’s late-round draft picks were only drafted because they started at USC, which made it easier for some player development guy to justify taking them versus a small-school player. After all, if he started at USC, he must have talent, right?

If there’s one thing we can take from this weekend, it’s that the “BCS Busters” don’t have to rely on trick plays and getting teams into shootouts to win games. Both Boise State and BYU beat major programs this weekend by playing hard-hitting, physical football and basically imposing their will on the “bigger” teams.

And I don’t want to hear that Sam Bradford’s injury means that there is an asterisk on BYU’s win. It’s not like the Sooners’ offense was burning up Cowboys Stadium before Bradford got hurt. And why was he hurt? Because the Cougars were able to get constant pressure on him, and eventually he paid the price. The Sooners’ offensive line was bad with or without Bradford, and BYU made them pay the price.

Terrelle Pryor can’t throw the football: Let’s put it this way – Navy’s QB looked like John Elway when compared to Pryor. If I were Jim Tressel, I’d be less concerned about Pryor’s message welcoming his boyhood hero Michael Vick back into the NFL and more concerned that Pryor is turning into an on-the-field version of Vick: scrambles into trouble as much as he does out of it; can’t keep his eyes upfield while running; and a powerful arm combined with worthless aim.

I’d really like to see a scenario that someone can develop where Ohio State doesn’t crap the bed this weekend against USC. And “Matt Barkley vomits on himself” is not a valid option – USC is going to run early and often and not put Barkley in a position to make big mistakes.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:47 AM 0 comments  

I'll take the credit for Usain Bolt's long jump plans

I would estimate that 90 percent of the content on this blog is satirical articles with no bearing no relation to reality, where one of us takes a real-life sports situation to the nth degree of ridiculousness (the other 10 percent being blowhardy opinion pieces). Of course no one is going to believe that Tom Brady is actually a zombie or that Vijay Singh has been placed in Gitmo.

So when the real world of sports collides with the fantasy world of this blog, it’s a frightening thing. And that apparently happened over the past week. I was tracking the site numbers earlier in the week (as tears streamed down my face) when I noticed a huge spike in hits for a story from the Beijing Olympics about Usain Bolt getting bored and entering and winning the gold medal in the long jump.

The premise was simple: Bolt is such a freakishly good athlete that he could win something that requires years of training without really even trying. Of course, it seemed like utter lunacy. But after seeing that thousands of people were reading this story, I decided to read some sports news (I hate sports) and discovered that, in fact, the story was freakishly prescient: Bolt is now talking about trying the long jump when his sprint career winds down.

Of course, Bolt may be about as serious in his statement as our original story was. Then again, if this means there at least a chance to Jerry Jones might install a crocodile infested moat at Cowboys Stadium (like from the old “Pitfall” game), I’m all for it. There’s no point in shying away from the power that I have when it could clearly be used for good.

So, I’m taking orders for what you want to see happen in real life. $50 gets you something simple, like your team winning a championship. Injuries to your least favorite players are priced according to the sport and the severity of the injury. I won’t do deaths. (The exception being Al Davis, although I don’t know if even my powers can get rid of him; remember, only cockroaches and Al Davis will survive a nuclear holocaust.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:04 PM 0 comments  

Jerry Jones installs moat filled with crocodiles at Cowboys Stadium

DALLAS – In apparent defiance of a week of criticism following a punt hitting the massive HD screen above the field during the first game in his team’s new billion-dollar stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced today that he has installed a crocodile pit along the sidelines of the new Cowboys Stadium.

“People seem to think our new big screen was a problem, so this really ought to get them fired up,” Jones said. “I mean, a punt hitting a screen – who cares. But this turns every play into something potentially incredible.”

Jones said that there are roughly 25 crocodiles in a three-foot wide moat running the length of one of the sidelines. He added that the crocodiles are chained to the moat to ensure they don’t “wander” into the field of play, but he said that he didn’t know why people would otherwise complain.

“I mean, it’s not stopping anyone from doing what they need to do on the field,” Jones said. “The goal of football is to score touchdowns, and you can’t do that from the sidelines. It’s not like we have crocodiles in the end zone – that would just be ridiculous. Plus, we have ropes hanging from the rafters so people can swing over the moat if they need to.”

NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello said that although there was technically nothing in the league’s rulebooks to prohibit a team from having deadly reptiles just off the field of play, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was planning to speak with Jones “sometime before the start of the regular season” to attempt to convince him to remove the crocodiles.

“Frankly, this isn’t a conducive environment for football,” Aiello said. “Plus, we’d be losing at least four or five members of the ‘chain gang’ every Sunday, and we just don’t have to resources to hire that many people at the current time.”

Meanwhile, Jones also announced that sports apparel company Nike had developed a new uniform for the Cowboys. Set to debut during this Saturday’s home preseason game against San Francisco, the uniform covers Cowboys players from head-to-toe in bite-resistant mesh armor, along with providing an extra pocket for “Croc-B-Gone.”

However, Jones said that the new uniform was “unrelated” to the moat installation.

“It’s just something we’ve been thinking about trying,” he said. “Needless to say, we’re hungry for a title and ready to try anything. Then again, we aren’t the only ones who are hungry, as I think the 49ers might find out this weekend.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:41 PM 1 comments  

Barry Sanders annouces comeback at empty press conference

DETROIT – Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders, the NFL’s third all-time leading rusher, announced his plans for a comeback at the age of 41 today at a sparsely-attended press conference. Football journalists agreed that while the Sanders’ surprising announcement was “somewhat interesting,” it paled in comparison to reports anticipating Brett Favre’s first preseason game with the Minnesota Vikings.

At Sanders’ press conference, he possibly stated his reasons for coming back to the league 11 years after his shocking retirement at the age of 30. Reports of what exactly was said are unclear, as the only reporter to attend Friday’s press conference was a reporter from Examiner.com, who only asked questions relating to Brett Favre. The only footage of the conference was shown during a 10-second clip on ESPN and was apparently shot by Sanders’ agent.

“So I’m, umm, coming back,” Sanders tentatively said to the conference room full of reporter. “I never thought I would be back, but the amazing journey I’ve been on the last year has made me…seriously, do I even have to finish this thing?”

“I guess it’s pretty cool that Barry Sanders is coming back,” said Sports Illustrated and NBC NFL expert Peter King. “But let’s face it: he’s just not as sexy as Brett Favre. I mean, he’s only retired once? Give me a break! By the way, I’ve got an exclusive interview with Brett Favre’s podiatrist today that gives you some incredible news about his footwear plans for this season. You won’t believe what kind of socks he’s wearing!”

ESPN football analyst Chris Mortensen said that it will be interesting to track the impact Sanders’ comeback has this season.

“I think the most important question is: how will Barry Sanders coming back effect Brett Favre?” Mortensen said. “He’ll be facing the Vikings twice this season, so it will be interesting to see if Favre can overcome this obstacle and lead his team to two improbable victories over the Lions.”

Mortensen said that Sanders’ picked “a bad season” to attempt a comeback, since it was likely to be overshadowed by important news such as Favre’s comeback, Plaxico Burress’ sentencing on gun charges and Michael Vick’s return to the NFL.

However, Sanders’ comeback is not the only major NFL to get lost in the hype surrounding Brett Favre. There are other major stories that Mortensen notes “might have been underreported” so far this preseason, but Mortensen insists there are good reasons. They include:

• Colts QB Peyton Manning losing his left arm in a combine accident at his family farm in Mississippi.
  Mortensen: “If it was his throwing arm, this would be a bigger deal.”
• The announcement by Titans QB Kerry Collins that he was leaving the NFL to start his own religious cult in a compound outside of Plano, Texas.
  Mortensen: “I think we all saw this coming.”
• Raiders head coach Tom Cable killing four people and injuring 12 others during a six-hour shooting spree from his perch on a crane above Oakland Raiders training camp.
  Mortensen: “Just another day in the circus that is the Raiders.”

Mortensen said he hopes to address the Sanders comeback on ESPN before the start of the season, but that could change if something happens “like Tom Brady being seen applying some sort of balm or salve to his knee in practice. Now that would be a big story!”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:48 AM 0 comments  

Pinklon Thomas: OK at boxing, lousy at singing

I was going to try and come up with something witty to say about former heavyweight champ Pinklon Thomas' signing career, as detailed in a pre-fight segment before losing the title to Trevor "Larry Holmes just hit me!" Berbick. But really, I think the man's songs and voice need to speak for themselves:



If "American Idol" is looking for a judge who can stand up to Simon Cowell, I think I know just the person...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:45 PM 0 comments  

North Korean news report: Kim Jong-Il wins PGA Championships

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il – disguised as “Y.E. Yang” – won the PGA Championships on Sunday by three strokes over Tiger Woods by shooting a final round 70, the official North Korean news agency reported today.

“Dear Leader has captured the magnificent title, reaffirming his status as the world’s greatest golfer despite wearing a disguise to avoid chaos sure to be caused by his adoring fans,” said a story by the Korean Central News Agency. “Also, the subterfuge was necessary to avoid illegal sabotage by Americans who would destroy Dear Leader’s accomplishments.”

The story credited Jong-Il’s victory to his “unparalleled natural golfing talent,” first evident when he was reported to have shot a round of 38-under par during his first round of golf. In fact, the KCNA story said that Jong-Il had to temper his play in order to avoid suspicion.

“Dear Leader wanted to ensure that he did not create suspicion about his true nature, which would have been evident when he shot a round in the 40s,” the story said. “He also did not want to embarrass golf master Tiger Woods and offend the Thai people by making his usual five or six holes-in-one each round, so he settled for a chip-in in the final round when needed.”

PGA of America president Brian Whitcomb dismissed the media reports that Yang was simply Jong-Il is disguise, although two-time major winner Fuzzy Zoeller said it might be tough “to tell them apart on account of all Asians looking alike.”

Zoeller also asked that Yang not “serve Kim Chi…or dog…or whatever the hell they eat,” although it was unsure what that was in reference to as the PGA Championships do not have a champion’s dinner.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Birthers claim Obama can run 2:10 marathon, proving he is Kenyan

WASHINGTON, DC – Birther movement leader Orly Taitz today produced what called “conclusive” evidence that confirms her group’s claims that President Barack Obama was born in Kenya: video purporting to show Obama running a marathon in just over 2 hours and 10 minutes.

“As far as we’re concerned, this is absolute proof,” Taitz told CNN anchor Lou Dobbs during an interview. “How many people from Hawaii do you know who can run a marathon that fast? Especially when they smoke? Clearly, only a true Kenyan citizen could run this well.”

The amateur footage shows a tall, slender black man crossing the finish line with a time of 2:11:01 from a great distance away.

“You look at that and tell me that’s not Obama,” Taitz said. “There’s even a Kenyan flag on his shirt. Listen – you even hear people talking about ‘Hussein,’ which is a clear reference to this traitor and liar’s middle name!”

However, running experts and video analysts have dismissed the footage. They say it is clearly taken from the 1989 New York City marathon, won by Kenyan runner Ibrahim Hussein in a time of 2:11:01.

“You can even see a big electronic billboard flashing that says ‘Congratulations Ibrahim Hussein, winner of the 1989 New York Marathon’ as soon as he crosses,” says Harold Osterman, a longtime journalist covering running. “I’ve met Ibrahim Hussein dozens of times, and that’s obviously him.”

Despite the claims that the footage is not of Obama, CNN’s Dobbs is planning a two-hour special broadcast devoted to “whether or not this explosive new footage should warrant Congressional action looking at President Obama’s place of birth.”

President Obama refused to comment on the matter. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that Obama was “focusing on more important issues, like health care reform and the economy” and definitely not running from Washington, DC to Annapolis, MD as part of this daily workout.

Editor-in-chief of the conservative Web site World Net daily and a self-professed “birther” Joseph Farah brushed aside critics of the video as being “brainwashed followers” of the liberal media.

“There’s one coincidence that someone digs up, and suddenly it’s supposed to invalidate our whole movement?” he said. “The burden of proof is on Obama to prove that he can’t run a marathon in less than two hours and 15 minutes without purposely not running as fast as he can.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:17 PM 0 comments  

Phelps plans to wear "retro" Victorian swimsuit at London Olympics

BALTIMORE – Buoyed by his recent haul of five gold medals at the 2009 World Championships while wearing an “outdated” Speedo swimsuit, American swimming superstar Michael Phelps today announced plans to swim at the 2012 London Olympics wearing swimming gear from the 1890s.

“Some friends and I were sitting around yesterday, listening to some old Bob Marley albums and…umm…drinking apple ciders, when we came up with this idea,” Phelps said. “We had the sound down on the TV, and Chariots of Fire came on and we just thought “whoa”. Plus, I’m getting bored winning everything.”

In response to his unusual request, apparel sponsor Speedo quickly began work on a signature line of “throwback” swimming outfits for Phelps, with the first offering set to debut in time for the 2010 swim season. It will be a knitted wool two-piece with wide red and blue vertical stripes. In accordance with the dyes available in the 1890s, each suit will only last for 150 meters of wearing before the dye completely runs off and into the pool.

Rivals were skeptical about Phelps’ plan, wondering if there wasn’t an ulterior motive to his moves.

“He knows that his time is coming and I’m going to be the one who ends his reign, so now he’s looking for excuses,” said Milorad Cravic, who lost to Phelps in the 100m butterfly by a fingertip at the Beijing Olympics and also lost to Phelps at the 2009 World Championships while wearing a technological superior suit. “When I do beat him – and I will beat him – it will be ‘Oh, my suit was too heavy, the extra 10 pounds of water weight, my nipples were raw from the wool’. What a whiner”

Still, Cravic said his apparel company Arena was preparing a new Victorian-era two piece suit made out of “flying-machine age” wool fibers “just in case” he couldn’t beat Phelps in his modern suit.

Speedo said that the company hopes that Phelps' decision will spark a retro swimwear craze.

"We've all seen how successful throwback football and baseball uniforms have been, so why not
retro swimsuits?" asked Speedo spokesperson Michael Flaherty.

In related story, boxing champion Manny Pacquiao said he was also bored with the ease he was winning fights, so he plans to fight bare-knuckled for his next title defense while billing himself as "Irish" Mickey O'Pacquiao.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:41 PM 2 comments  

Spurrier admits South Carolina defense forgot about Tim Tebow last two seasons

HOOVER, AL – After admitting that a staff member had forgotten to include former Heisman Trophy-winner Tim Tebow on a preseason All-SEC ballot when filling out a ballot for him, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier also revealed that he and his defensive coaches had forgotten about him for the past two seasons.

“You’d think that someone would have remembered him, but everyone just seemed to let it slip,” Spurrier said. “It’s just the dangedest thing.”

In Florida’s past two games against South Carolina, Tebow has accounted for 636 yards of offense and 10 TDs, while the Gators have beaten the Gamecocks by an average score of 35 points.

“We kept banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out how to stop Florida’s offense, and we never could figure it out,” Spurrier said. “I guess we’ll have to pay more attention to the game film to see what this Tebow kid’s all about.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:15 PM 0 comments  

Mr. Perfect scoffs at Mark Buerhle's perfect game from Heaven

HEAVEN – Former professional wrestler Mr. Perfect descended from Heaven yesterday to tell reporters that he was “unimpressed” with the perfect game thrown by Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday afternoon.

“Perfect? Ha! How many guys did he strike out?,” asked Mr. Perfect, who died in 2003. “Six? Pfft. I could do that in one inning.”

Mr. Perfect then went on to say that the previous week, he had struck out 27 of baseball’s all-time greats in throwing a perfect game during a Heaven Recreational League game.

“Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle – no problem with my Perfect Pitch,” Mr. Perfect said. “Once I dropped the strap on my pinstriped singlet, they were done.”

But some of the dead players from Mr. Perfect’s perfect game claim that things might not have been on the up and up.

“I think he was throwing a spitball,” said Jimmie Foxx. “He kept saying that he was only ‘spitting his gum out,’ but a new piece for every batter? Seems fishy to me.”

“I thought I saw Rick Rude injecting something into his butt between innings,” added Ty Cobb. “Plus, his junk kept sticking out of his shorts. I haven’t seen anything that distracting since they let Jews start coming into the stands.”

Mr. Perfect was aghast that Buerhle played in the American League, where the designated hitter rule is used.

“How could his game be perfect is he doesn’t even hit?” he said. “Last week I went 4-for-4 with four home runs – like I do every week. I even hit the last one blindfolded, just to see if I could.”

Despite his success, Mr. Perfect said he’s become “bored” with baseball and has decided to quit. Instead, he’s enrolled in a pottery class at Heaven’s recreation center and plans to learn how to make “the Perfect Ashtray.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

Jeremy Mayfield blows up gas cans, is not a meth addict

I was thinking about the Jeremy Mayfield case earlier today after re-reading McLane's post from a few days ago. I was especially hung up on the fact that if he has been using meth for years as his stepmother claims, he's probably the best-looking long-term meth head I've ever seen (and keep in mind I'm from the Central Valley, so we're talking about roughly 30 percent of the population). No visibly missing teeth, no open sores and he's not constantly trying to shoo invisible spiders off his body during interviews.

So I decided to visit the Partnership for a Drug-Free America Web site to find out a bit more about the effects of crystal meth. Here are the first two sentences from the "Long Term Effects" section:

The drug’s effects are similar to those of cocaine but longer lasting. Crystal Meth can cause erratic, violent behavior among its users.

Now, please keep this in mind when watching the following video, taken from the TV show "NASCAR Drivers: 360" that aired in 2004:



Let's review again: did you see any "erratic, violent behavior" in that video? Something like an insatiable need to blow things up? Or how about any effects that would be "similar to those of cocaine," such as his wife noting his incredible amount of energy.

For his part, Jeremy Mayfield had better hope that NASCAR doesn't enter this as Exhibit A in any trial. I know it's circumstantial evidence, but it's going to be hard to argue that you aren't a meth addict after video of you blowing up watermelons and full gas cans with your children are shown to the jury.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:19 PM 0 comments  

Nude Lee Corso peephole footage leads to shock, revulsion

BRISTOL, CT - Just days after ESPN moved to stop the dissemination of a video taken from a hotel peephole showing sideline reporter Erin Andrews nude, network lawyers went into action to stop the distribution of a similar video featuring college football analyst Lou Corso, although the existence of the footage has yet to create the same online clamor.

The brief, grainy footage, apparently captured through the peephole of a hotel, shows the 73-year-old Corso nude and applying Gold Bond powder to his genitals and other private areas. It abruptly cuts off after a voice is hearing saying “That’s not Bonnie Bernstein. Oh God, it’s Corso. Augh!”

News of Andrews’ video spread like wildfire through the Internet, with thousands of users going to various blogs and media sharing sites to download footage of the woman called by many as the “Hottest Sportscaster on TV.” However, the primary reaction to the Lee Corso footage has been revulsion.

“Holy crap, I can’t believe those things hang that low,” said Chris O’Riley, who viewed the video at the urging of a college friend. “No, don’t touch that! Augh!”

Much like the infamous “Two Girls, One Cup” video, many “response” videos have popped up on YouTube showing the repulsion of unsuspecting viewers who watch the Corso peephole footage for the first time.

"While some people are intrigued by elder porn, the majority of people are just sickened and revolted," said Ernie O'Hallaran, an expert in elder porn and the "bottom" in the Lemon Party photo. "But, this is Lee Corso we're talking about here. God, seeing him naked even makes me sick."

Corso refused to comment on the video other than to release a brief statement saying "Not so fast, my friend, if you think that's a pencil in that video."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 6:29 PM 1 comments  

Brock Lesnar apologizes for crushing store clerk's larynx after winning free Slushie

MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.

"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."

Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.

Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.

Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.

"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"

UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.

"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:56 PM 0 comments  

Kyle Boller wonders if ESPN would cover his funeral like they did with Steve McNair

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA – While watching the memorial service for Steve McNair on Thursday, Kyle Boller asked several friends at his home in suburban Los Angeles if they thought ESPN would offer live coverage of his funeral if he died under shocking circumstances.

“I don’t mean suicide or anything like that, but maybe if I was shot in some sort of home invasion robbery,” said Boller to several people gathered in his game room. “Or maybe in a botched hold-up at a 7-11 late one night after I made a run to pick up a Slurpee for my wife. Yeah, that would probably do it!”

Boller, was drafted in the first round by Baltimore Ravens in 2003, but was considered a bust and eventually lost his starting job to McNair. He is currently competing for a job as a back-up with the St. Louis Rams.

“I’m not saying I want to die or anything like that, but I’m just wondering what would happen,” said Boller. “They’d probably carry the funeral live in Baltimore, right? Definitely in Berkeley, though.”

Friends who were gathered at Boller’s house were surprised and confused by his comments.

“We were sitting around with McNair’s memorial service on, and he just came out of nowhere with this,” said John McNamara, a high school teammate of Boller’s. “At first I thought he was joking, but he kept bringing it up the rest of the day. It was creepy.”

While at lunch with his friends at a nearby Arby’s, Boller mentioned that he thought about joining the Army “like Pat Tillman” and later asked if anyone was interested in watching “Brian’s Song.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that no matter what, they wouldn’t show his funeral on ESPN,” McNamara said. “Maybe the Los Angeles Daily News would put it on their front page if he did something heroic, like save the President’s life by stopping a terrorist plot, but that’s about it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:50 PM 0 comments  

ESPN Classic viewer can’t believe they’re still showing “Cheap Seats” reruns

MILWAUKEE – IT specialist Dan Hopkins “couldn’t fucking believe” that ESPN Classic was showing a rerun of “Cheap Seats” when he turned on his TV early Tuesday morning, according to co-workers at Comericon Bank.

“Honestly, ESPN has to have, what, a million hours of programming in their archives,” Hopkins told friends Wednesday afternoon at work. “And the best they could find was ‘Cheap Seats?’ They couldn’t throw on a college football game from 1987, or some old NFL draft coverage from 1996? Unfuckingbelievable.”

“Cheap Seats” was a sports comedy show hosted by the Sklar Brothers that ran on ESPN Classic from 2004 to 2006. Similar in tone to the cult favorite “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” the show featured the hosts riffing on old sports clips.

“I mean, it would be one thing if the show was still on the air,” Hopkins told several people over lunch. “But it’s been off the air for three years. Three years!”

Hopkins had turned on the TV at 12:30 a.m. after returning home from a late-night server installation. It had been on ESPN Classic from the previous evening, and he was apparently “dumbfounded” to find “Cheap Seats” on the screen.

“The last thing I expected was to see the god damned Sklar Brothers smirking at me at 12:30 in the morning,” Hopkins said. “And it came on during one of those awful sketches they used to do – you know, the ones that had all of their ‘alternative’ comedy friends being smug and unfunny. Christ.”

Hopkins’ amazement was compounded when he saw on the cable program guide that a second episode of “Cheap Seats” was scheduled immediately after the one he was watching.

“Two episodes?,” he screamed to himself. “You have got to be shitting me. Seriously. And it’s not even a real episode – it’s some shitty spoof of the ‘Inside Sportscenter” specials they used to do. Wonky, self-referential bullshit! Really?”

When a co-worker asked him why he didn’t change the channel, Hopkins said it was an improvement over “watching Sportscenter again or another World Series of Poker rerun from 2004.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:41 PM 1 comments  

Tiger Woods has leg shattered in attempt to "get back to 2008 form"

Tiger Woods instructed longtime caddy Steve Williams to smash his surgically repaired left leg and knee late Sunday night in a last-ditch effort to regain the form that saw him win the U.S. Open last year. The reversal of the surgery for a broken leg and torn ACL was deemed “a success” by Woods as he hobbled from the locker rooms at Bethpage Black ahead of Monday’s rain-delayed final round.

“Right now I feel good; and by that I mean in tremendous pain,” said Woods after Williams slammed a sledgehammer into his leg several times in the restroom at the Bethpage Black clubhouse. “I know I needed to do something to get back to where I was last year if I want to have any chance to defend my title, so this is the gameplan we’ve come up with.”

Woods won last year’s tournament at Torrey Pines while playing through excruciating pain from his leg injuries, and immediately had surgery that caused him to miss eight months of action. He finished play on Sunday 10 shots out of the lead with 15 holes to play, a situation that Woods said demanded “desperate measures.”

Golf Channel analyst Frank Nobilo said that Woods’ willingness to have a crippling injury inflicted on himself just showed his legendary competitive spirit.

“How many other players in the world would be willing to endure such abject pain in order to give himself a chance to pull off an improbable comeback?,” Nobilo said. “It just shows that inside this champion lies the heart of a masochist – and inside that heart is a masochistic champion.”

Best-selling author John Feinstein also speculated that Woods’ actions might have a psychological impact on the other players in the field.

“I’m sure that they could hear the sickening thud of sledgehammer against bone and flesh and Woods’ bloodcurdling scream in the locker room as they were ready to leave for the night,” Feinstein said. “That certainly gives the other players something to think about as they sleep tonight. When Tiger Woods is crippling himself in order to win a championship, everyone knows it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:52 PM 0 comments  

My cover letter for the USC basketball job

June 19, 2009
Heritage Hall
University of Southern California
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Mr. Garrett,

I am writing to express my interest in the head men’s basketball coach position currently advertised by USC on your Web site. Although my basketball experience is limited to covering the sport as a reporter and watching games by myself at the Hooters down the street, I believe that I possess the management skills and leadership qualities needed to take the men’s basketball program to the next level.

After analyzing your current situation, I believe you need a men’s basketball head coach with high moral character to serve as a “figurehead” for your organization. One of the primary purposes of a head coach is to hire a well-qualified core of assistants who – from what I gather – essentially handle the day-to-day operations and coaching of the team while the head coach oversees operations.

I have more than eight years in business management, where I have learned to effectively delegate duties while watching YouTube clips of old sports events from my closed office. I feel this more than qualifies me for the duties of the position. In addition, I possess the highest moral fiber, along with the common sense to avoid all pictures of me puking in the back of dive bars or doing something totally outrageous – such as handing over big bags of cash to an agent representing a star player. I have the common sense and acumen to develop an elaborate series of intermediaries and “boosters” to create an arms-length distance between the program and the university.

As a USC graduate, I understand and respect the tradition of USC basketball, having watched the team almost qualify for several NIT tournaments while I attended games at the Sports Arena. I understand that the program may be facing several hardships in upcoming years. As someone who makes a living writing, I can assure you that I am used to doing a lot with very little.

Best,
Richard Manfredi

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 AM 1 comments  

USC women's soccer coach files Title IX suit against Yahoo! Sports

USC women's soccer coach Ali Khosroshahin filed a Title IX lawsuit against Yahoo! Sports on Tuesday, claiming the online news site had engaged in "gross gender inequity" by refusing to report on massive recruiting violations by the Women of Troy's team.

“It’s absolutely unfair that our football and men’s basketball teams have been getting all of this publicity, when we’re breaking just as many NCAA rules and not getting any attention from Yahoo! Sports,” Khosroshahin said during a sparsely-attended press conference at Heritage Hall to announce the lawsuit.

“Seriously, the things we’re doing here makes Tim Floyd look like Mother Teresa,” Khosroshahin said as he held up a stack of receipts detailing illegal payments of cash, car and male strippers to USC women’s soccer recruits. “Hello? Anyone interested?”

Responding to Khosroshahin’s charges, Yahoo! Sports editor Jay Robinski said that the while the organization was aware of the massive violations taking place within the USC women’s soccer program, it was a “secondary concern.”

“We had a pretty good idea something was going on when we received a large packet of evidence from USC with including incriminating pictures, videos and a signed confession from Coach Khosroshahin,” Robinski said. “But to be honest, there are just more pressing concerns happening with USC right now. I mean, we just got word that (USC football coach) Pete Carroll might have jaywalked while crossing the street to see a USC football recruit play in 2006. Why hasn’t the NCAA investigated this yet?”

Khosroshahin said that if the lawsuit did not succeed, he would be forced to “ramp up” plans to gain recognition for the Women of Troy, the 2007 national champions.

“You know what they say – all publicity is good publicity,” Khosroshahin said as he held up a massive bag of what was believed to be HGH.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:16 PM 1 comments  

...And We're Back

…and we’re back.

As you might have noticed, we’re been away for a little while. Long enough that you could almost fit an entire NBA Playoff schedule in there. For those of you who were worried, we didn’t pull some sort of Stanley Wilson-style coke binge and go missing from the face of the Earth (we’re not rank amateurs – we can handle our drugs).

The truth is, Your Face became a victim of its own success. Both fknmclane and I were able to parlay the fame and notoriety we gained from our writing here into gigs for other, more respectable sites. That paid. Real money, not just “the respect and admiration of our readers,” which is nice and all, but doesn’t pay for the 12-pack of Miller High Life we need to get through the day.

But here’s the thing: writing for other people might pay (some), but it’s not the same as writing for Your Face. Writing for other sites is about creating content that drives page views, meaning “see if you can write more about Erin Andrews;” writing for Your Face is about coming up with things that make us laugh, and hopefully you as well. And finding new ways to call Shaq fat. Because he’s just enormous.

So we’re back, and we plan on being here for the long haul. Unless we get a better offer. Or our wives tell us to stop.
McLane didn't have much to add, which is a shame. I was hoping for him to put something together, because I know he's very excited to be back working Your Face. Here is the email I received from him with his response to my request:

'Poop.'

So at least that hasn’t changed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:40 AM 1 comments