WASHINGTON, DC - At a press conference this morning, US Department of Smugness Awareness Director Keith Olbermann declared that the smugness level of Red Sox Nation had been officially raised to "Phil Jackson" after their team's 13-1 rout of the Colorado Rockies in Game 1 of the World Series.
"I want to assure the public that we are monitoring the situation, but make no mistake: this is a high level of smugness," Olbermann said. "We'll be monitoring the situation day-to-day. But then again, aren't we all day-to-day?"
The press conference then ground to a halt for several minutes as Olbermann smirked for the cameras before continuing.
"What we're talking about is some of the highest levels of sports fan arrogance that we've seen in year," Olbermann said. "This isn't just any Phil Jackson level, either - we're talking Phil Jackson in 2002 after winning his second title with the Lakers smug."
Olbermann said that regular citizens should go about their daily lives, but be vigilant and look out for warning signs of advanced smugness amongst Red Sox fans:
- Constant references to how "they" played last night.
- Repeatedly asking strangers how they thought the Rockies pitching staff stood a chance. against the Red Sox's unprecedented offensive onslaught.
- Asking to be referred to by co-workers and friends as "Big Papi".
- Overturning cars "for practice" for the celebration after the series is over.
Olbermann concluded by stating that his department would be monitoring the World Series for further developments. He said that it would be likely that Red Sox Nation's smugness level would be raised to Charlie Weis if the team won the World Series. However, he refused to answer questions relating to rumors that the department would have to create a new, unheard of "Dennis Miller" level if the Red Sox won in a sweep.
2 comments:
Very nice. Would a theoretical Dennis Miller level of smugness involve calling people "chachi?"
I think it would involve a lot of smirking, and saying things like "picking the Rockies to beat the Red Sox is like Copernicus asking Willie Nelson to do his taxes". This is all theoretically - if anything did reach that level, I believe the sun would explode.
Post a Comment