OAKLAND - Sources inside the Oakland Raiders organization report that owner and GM Al Davis has reached an agreement with John McCain to become the team's next head coach at the end of this season. Davis apparently told office staff that after watching McCain's Presidential concession speech last night, he feels as though the 72-year-old Senator and war hero has the ability to inject "youthful vigor and new energy" into the once-proud Raiders team despite his total lack of football experience.
"That John McCain, he's a real firecracker," Davis is reported to have told a team of executives this morning. "When you're a can-do kind of leader like him, I don't care if you don't know anything about football - players will listen to you. I'll handle the play calling - he just needs to worry about motivating the team to victory, and I'm sure he'll do just that."
McCain would replace interim head coach Tom Cable. Despite his stated belief in McCain's ability's to be a head football coach with no experience, some Raiders staff members wonder if Davis has ulterior motives for bringing McCain on-board.
"He just wants someone out front who is even more clueless than him," a source said anonymously. "Plus, McCain almost makes Al seem sprightly and youthful by comparison."
Davis also allegedly told close confidants that "judging by how much he sold himself out to try and be President, he'll have no trouble doing what I tell him to do. Unlike that ungrateful pink Kiffin. Kiffin!!!"
Davis then continued to shout former head coach Lane Kiffin's name for several minutes while shaking his fist in the air before being sedated by his personal assistants and lead back to his office/rejuvenation chambers.
Reached at his home in Scottsdale, AZ, McCain said he would be open to the offer, provided that the Raider girls understand that their jobs are to "look pretty and not go making foolish and stupid suggestions and opening their mouths to the media and screwing things up for me."
1 comment:
...the Raider girls understand that their jobs are to "look pretty and not go making foolish and stupid suggestions and opening their mouths to the media and screwing things up for me."
- Oh, i see what you did there. Clap. Clap. Clap.
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