Spurrier admits South Carolina defense forgot about Tim Tebow last two seasons

HOOVER, AL – After admitting that a staff member had forgotten to include former Heisman Trophy-winner Tim Tebow on a preseason All-SEC ballot when filling out a ballot for him, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier also revealed that he and his defensive coaches had forgotten about him for the past two seasons.

“You’d think that someone would have remembered him, but everyone just seemed to let it slip,” Spurrier said. “It’s just the dangedest thing.”

In Florida’s past two games against South Carolina, Tebow has accounted for 636 yards of offense and 10 TDs, while the Gators have beaten the Gamecocks by an average score of 35 points.

“We kept banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out how to stop Florida’s offense, and we never could figure it out,” Spurrier said. “I guess we’ll have to pay more attention to the game film to see what this Tebow kid’s all about.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:15 PM 0 comments  

Mr. Perfect scoffs at Mark Buerhle's perfect game from Heaven

HEAVEN – Former professional wrestler Mr. Perfect descended from Heaven yesterday to tell reporters that he was “unimpressed” with the perfect game thrown by Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday afternoon.

“Perfect? Ha! How many guys did he strike out?,” asked Mr. Perfect, who died in 2003. “Six? Pfft. I could do that in one inning.”

Mr. Perfect then went on to say that the previous week, he had struck out 27 of baseball’s all-time greats in throwing a perfect game during a Heaven Recreational League game.

“Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle – no problem with my Perfect Pitch,” Mr. Perfect said. “Once I dropped the strap on my pinstriped singlet, they were done.”

But some of the dead players from Mr. Perfect’s perfect game claim that things might not have been on the up and up.

“I think he was throwing a spitball,” said Jimmie Foxx. “He kept saying that he was only ‘spitting his gum out,’ but a new piece for every batter? Seems fishy to me.”

“I thought I saw Rick Rude injecting something into his butt between innings,” added Ty Cobb. “Plus, his junk kept sticking out of his shorts. I haven’t seen anything that distracting since they let Jews start coming into the stands.”

Mr. Perfect was aghast that Buerhle played in the American League, where the designated hitter rule is used.

“How could his game be perfect is he doesn’t even hit?” he said. “Last week I went 4-for-4 with four home runs – like I do every week. I even hit the last one blindfolded, just to see if I could.”

Despite his success, Mr. Perfect said he’s become “bored” with baseball and has decided to quit. Instead, he’s enrolled in a pottery class at Heaven’s recreation center and plans to learn how to make “the Perfect Ashtray.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

Jeremy Mayfield blows up gas cans, is not a meth addict

I was thinking about the Jeremy Mayfield case earlier today after re-reading McLane's post from a few days ago. I was especially hung up on the fact that if he has been using meth for years as his stepmother claims, he's probably the best-looking long-term meth head I've ever seen (and keep in mind I'm from the Central Valley, so we're talking about roughly 30 percent of the population). No visibly missing teeth, no open sores and he's not constantly trying to shoo invisible spiders off his body during interviews.

So I decided to visit the Partnership for a Drug-Free America Web site to find out a bit more about the effects of crystal meth. Here are the first two sentences from the "Long Term Effects" section:

The drug’s effects are similar to those of cocaine but longer lasting. Crystal Meth can cause erratic, violent behavior among its users.

Now, please keep this in mind when watching the following video, taken from the TV show "NASCAR Drivers: 360" that aired in 2004:



Let's review again: did you see any "erratic, violent behavior" in that video? Something like an insatiable need to blow things up? Or how about any effects that would be "similar to those of cocaine," such as his wife noting his incredible amount of energy.

For his part, Jeremy Mayfield had better hope that NASCAR doesn't enter this as Exhibit A in any trial. I know it's circumstantial evidence, but it's going to be hard to argue that you aren't a meth addict after video of you blowing up watermelons and full gas cans with your children are shown to the jury.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:19 PM 0 comments  

Nude Lee Corso peephole footage leads to shock, revulsion

BRISTOL, CT - Just days after ESPN moved to stop the dissemination of a video taken from a hotel peephole showing sideline reporter Erin Andrews nude, network lawyers went into action to stop the distribution of a similar video featuring college football analyst Lou Corso, although the existence of the footage has yet to create the same online clamor.

The brief, grainy footage, apparently captured through the peephole of a hotel, shows the 73-year-old Corso nude and applying Gold Bond powder to his genitals and other private areas. It abruptly cuts off after a voice is hearing saying “That’s not Bonnie Bernstein. Oh God, it’s Corso. Augh!”

News of Andrews’ video spread like wildfire through the Internet, with thousands of users going to various blogs and media sharing sites to download footage of the woman called by many as the “Hottest Sportscaster on TV.” However, the primary reaction to the Lee Corso footage has been revulsion.

“Holy crap, I can’t believe those things hang that low,” said Chris O’Riley, who viewed the video at the urging of a college friend. “No, don’t touch that! Augh!”

Much like the infamous “Two Girls, One Cup” video, many “response” videos have popped up on YouTube showing the repulsion of unsuspecting viewers who watch the Corso peephole footage for the first time.

"While some people are intrigued by elder porn, the majority of people are just sickened and revolted," said Ernie O'Hallaran, an expert in elder porn and the "bottom" in the Lemon Party photo. "But, this is Lee Corso we're talking about here. God, seeing him naked even makes me sick."

Corso refused to comment on the video other than to release a brief statement saying "Not so fast, my friend, if you think that's a pencil in that video."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 6:29 PM 1 comments  

Brock Lesnar apologizes for crushing store clerk's larynx after winning free Slushie

MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.

"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."

Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.

Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.

Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.

"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"

UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.

"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:56 PM 0 comments  

Kyle Boller wonders if ESPN would cover his funeral like they did with Steve McNair

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA – While watching the memorial service for Steve McNair on Thursday, Kyle Boller asked several friends at his home in suburban Los Angeles if they thought ESPN would offer live coverage of his funeral if he died under shocking circumstances.

“I don’t mean suicide or anything like that, but maybe if I was shot in some sort of home invasion robbery,” said Boller to several people gathered in his game room. “Or maybe in a botched hold-up at a 7-11 late one night after I made a run to pick up a Slurpee for my wife. Yeah, that would probably do it!”

Boller, was drafted in the first round by Baltimore Ravens in 2003, but was considered a bust and eventually lost his starting job to McNair. He is currently competing for a job as a back-up with the St. Louis Rams.

“I’m not saying I want to die or anything like that, but I’m just wondering what would happen,” said Boller. “They’d probably carry the funeral live in Baltimore, right? Definitely in Berkeley, though.”

Friends who were gathered at Boller’s house were surprised and confused by his comments.

“We were sitting around with McNair’s memorial service on, and he just came out of nowhere with this,” said John McNamara, a high school teammate of Boller’s. “At first I thought he was joking, but he kept bringing it up the rest of the day. It was creepy.”

While at lunch with his friends at a nearby Arby’s, Boller mentioned that he thought about joining the Army “like Pat Tillman” and later asked if anyone was interested in watching “Brian’s Song.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that no matter what, they wouldn’t show his funeral on ESPN,” McNamara said. “Maybe the Los Angeles Daily News would put it on their front page if he did something heroic, like save the President’s life by stopping a terrorist plot, but that’s about it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:50 PM 0 comments