DARLINGTON, SC - The nation's leading waste management experts were alternately "shocked," "frightened" and "appalled" by the announcement today that Darlington Motor Speedway would offer an All You Can Eat food option for fans attending the NASCAR race held at the track on May 10.
Under the new plan - which is modeled on similar successful plans at baseball stadiums such as Dodger Stadium - for $60, adults can receive a ticket for a grandstand seat and unlimited hamburgers, hot dogs, snack items and soft drinks.
John Dickson, a consultant with over 30 years of waste management experience, shuddered at the concept.
"Even under normal circumstances, hundreds of thousands of NASCAR fans place an enormous strain on the infrastructure of not just a track, but an entire city," Dickson said. "Offering fans all the burgers and hot dogs they can eat is just asking for a sewage disaster of epic proportions."
Dickson outlined several catastrophic scenarios from these plans:
With a huge increase in fried, greasy food being consumed, the restrooms at the track could become so full that it is impossible to use them during the race. Dickson: "I would say this is pretty much the best case scenario."
The sheer volume of waste matter going through the toilets could be so massive that it could back up the entire sewage system for the entire Darlington area. Dickson: "Have you ever heard the phrase 'trying to put 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound sack?' This is like trying to put millions of pounds of crap into that sack. You could have a complete breakdown in the sewage system in the area."
The high concentration of human waste could also create a methane cloud that could hover over the track and put the fans and drivers at risk of poisoning. Dickson: "If nothing else, the smell is going to be like a million hobos in a sauna - you'll pray for a cold so that you can't smell."
Dickson also warned that the high volume of food will also be exacerbated by the heavy amount of drinking that takes place at NASCAR races. He warns that this could make the sewage system problem just as bad the next morning, due to a phenomenon known in the waste management industry as "the beer shits."
In a related note, NASCAR announced that the May 10 race at Darlington would be renamed the Andy Gump Port-A-Potty 500.
2 comments:
I hate the beer shits. Because it's like, you're out shopping the next day at some nice place like TJ MAX and you have to use their gross bathroom.
at the port-a-potty 500 "the honeywagon" could be the pace car!
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