LOS ANGELES - The NCAA today ruled that free tickets received by freshman OJ Mayo to a Nuggets vs. Clippers game on Monday from Denver star Carmelo Anthony were "essentially worthless," and therefore not a violation of NCAA rules prohibiting athletes from receiving additional benefits.
"In order for a benefit to be categorized as 'improper' it must be something that is of value," said the NCAA in a statement released today. "Because of the team's lack of stars, poor record and inconsistent fan base, the NCAA has determined that Clippers tickets are without value, and therefore accepting free tickets is not against NCAA rules."
Mayo expressed relief in the decision.
"I mean, I didn't even go to the game to watch basketball," said Mayo. "Mainly, I wanted to check out the Clipper cheerleaders and get some nachos. Man, I love nachos. Besides, it was kind of sad in the front row. The only celebrity I saw was that short, bald guy that used to host the Oscars. And some old broad I didn't know."
The statement from the NCAA did warn that if Mayo or any athlete accepted free tickets to "a Lakers game, or any other real NBA franchise," they would be subject to NCAA penalties. WNBA games, however, are exempt.
- Apparently Herschel Walker has multiple personality disorder. Which means that the Vikings didn't trade their future away to the Cowboys in exchange for just one player - they got several versions of the same, overrated, apparently crazy player. (With Leather) - They recently installed a "synthetic track" at Santa Anita Park that was supposed to be state of the art and keep horses healthier. Apparently, that means "installing such a lousy drainage system that the horse can never race and therefore never get hurt," leading to the cancellation of the past two days of races and four racing days this month. What are Los Angeles' horse racing fans going to do with their time until they hit the bar a 4 p.m.? (Los Angeles Times) - A million pants unzip in preparation for tomorrow night's Australian Open women's final between Ana Ivanovic (pictured) and Maria Sharapova. (not pictured because you know what she looks like unless you live in a cave. And unsexy cave.) Unfortunately, this is being shown at 9:30 p.m. Eastern, so you might want to Tivo this so you can watch it after the wife and kids go to bed. (The Big Lead) - Looks like Michael Strahan might have a shot after all - Tony Romo has allegedly dumped Jessica Simpson. (New York Daily News)
"Nope. This is just a good chance to do something I like somewhere I'm comfortable," Chow said. "I don't have any bitterness or anger over how horribly I was treated at USC, or how ungrateful Coach Carroll was for everything I did for the team. Certainly, I want us to beat USC, but this isn't any sort of all-encompassing, consuming desire to crush USC that is going to take over every aspect of my life. Nothing like that at all."
Chow insisted that despite reports of tension between him and Carroll over control of USC's offense and credit for the Trojans' run of success, he and his former boss had a good relationship.
"It will be good to see him before the game next year," Chow said. "Or after the game, crying. We're still good friends - friends who don't ever talk to each other, and who want to se the other person crushed and destroyed, with their lifelong dreams and ambitions shattered like fine china in an earthquake. That kind of friend."
Chow denied reports that he was the voice behind an anonymous phone message to NCAA investigators saying the the caller "knew where all of USC's skeletons are buried," and that they could meet "in the corner booth of Lamonica's Pizza on Westwood Blvd." if they wanted more information.
Chow also disputed rumors that it would be difficult to work under new UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel, who got the UCLA job after Chow had previously interviewed for it.
"You know, these things happen, and I'm happy to be working under Rick, plus I still have plenty of time in my career to get that first head coaching break," said Chow, 61. "In fact, I like to pick up coffee from Starbucks every morning for Coach Neuheisel. He likes the Hazelnut Latte, which is great since the strong taste should mask the taste of oleander when the time comes. So yeah, I think I'll be a head coach, at least in an emergency, interim capacity, very soon."
ST. LOUIS – Inspired by IUPUI men’s basketball head coach Ron Hunter’s pledge to coach his team’s next game barefoot to raise awareness for a charity, University of St. Louis head coach Rick Majerus pledged today to coach the Billikens’ upcoming game Saturday against La Salle naked from the waist down.
“I heard about Coach Hunter, and thought what the heck, why not try to do him one better,” Majerus said. “I mean, the worst part of coaching is having to wear pants, so this is a perfect chance to avoid that all together.”
During a press conference on Majerus’ plans, the coach was asked which charity he was raising awareness for with his stunt, a question which confused the rotund coach.
“Charity? I don’t know what you mean,” Majerus said. “I thought that Coach Hunter just didn’t like wearing shoes. Well, there has to be some sort of charity that donates pants to needy Africans, right? If not, there should be."
A representative of the University of St. Louis said that the Catholic institution had no comment on Majerus’ plans, although they would rather that Majerus go back to commenting on abortion.
At least I'm going to assume it's a mix-up. Otherwise, why in the world would they include a photo of former Dolphins head coach (and new Ravens offensive coordinator) Cam Cameron with their story on the GOP Primary in Florida?
There can't possibly be a connection there, right? I can't imagine that the endorsement of "Mr. 1-15" is going to count for a whole lot in Florida these days.
IUPUI (it stands for Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis - don't ask me, I don't live in Indiana) head men's basketball coach Ron Hunter will be coaching barefoot on Thursday in his team's game against Oakland University. The stunt is a way to raise awareness for Samaritan's Feet, a charity started by Nigerian native Emmanuel "Manny" Ohonme, who eventually came to the US to play college basketball (no doubt recruited by Kevin Bacon). The goal is to send 40,000 pairs of shoes to Africa in honor of the 40th anniversary of the death of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Helping put shoes on the feet of needy men, women and children in Africa is a great cause. Hunter has personally received more than 30,000 pairs of shoes already. What he is doing is a great and noble thing.
It is also, unquestionably, unbelievably gross and unhygienic. I'm far from a neat freak, but you couldn't pay me enough money to walk barefoot on a gym floor for several hours. The sheer number of variety of fungi and other infectious diseases lurking on any gym floor boggles the mind. It's a Tinactin commercial waiting to happen. Perhaps he should take a lesson from Howard Hughes and skip the shoes but wear Kleenex boxes on his feet.
I'd like to say that it would be neat if other, more established coaches follow his lead. But let's be honest - Bobby Knight's bare feet probably resemble something from a Lord of the Rings monster, and I don't think we need the dozens of ESPN close-ups IN HD that we would probably be treated with during that broadcast.
NASCAR fans rarely agree on anything (Bud or Coors? Chevy or Ford? Skoal or Red Man?). But one thing that pretty much everyone agreed on last season was that ESPN's first year back covering NASCAR was kind of a mess. And a big problem was lead analyst Rusty Wallace, who seemed to mean well but also seemed to be hopelessly overmatched in the booth, which unfortunately lead to a reaction where he decided that if he talked all the time, non-stop, throughout the broadcast, you wouldn't notice that he actually wasn't saying much of anything. Volume over substance.
Well, ESPN finally pulled the plug on Rusty. Sort of. Dale Jarrett is going to be the lead NASCAR analyst next season, while Rusty moves over to become the lead analyst for ESPN studio programs. Dale is again following in his father Ned's footsteps, as the senior Jarrett was a longtime (although somewhat subdued) analyst for ESPN and CBS. And Dale was pretty good in his part-time role last season on Nationwide (Busch) Series races - certainly, he added when he could. and stayed out of the way when he didn't have anything to contribute.
I used to ride a bicycle. In the summer in junior high, a friend and I would take daylong rides, usually 80 miles or more, sometimes up to the base of the Sierra Nevadas. However, I was not one of those guys who wear neon orange and lime green bicycling suits that are tight enough to need a bucket of talc to get into and out of. Why? Because I'm not and never have been a professional cyclists, and neither have any of those idiots you see on the roads every day. I like NASCAR, but I don't wear a helmet with HANS device and a full fireproof suit when I get in my car to go to the store for groceries.
That said, Rigoberto Uran is a professional cyclist, although apparently not a very good one. I would think that "learning to turn" would be one of those skills that would be handy for a professional cyclist, especially on a twisty, mountain course:
Ouch. In case you are wondering, Uran wound up with two broken elbows, a broken wrist and a crack in the back of his neck that was described as "absolutely harmless", which seems pretty much impossible.
And because I hate to leave you with just one video, let me refer you to the Cycling Fans Anonymous Web site, which compiled a list of the Ten Worst Cycling Crashes of 2007. You'll be keeping the training wheels on your kids' bikes for a few extra months after seeing these videos and photos.
So there's this quarterback, right? He's from the South, and he becomes a star in the SEC. There's a lot of hype about him coming out of college, and after a lot of fanfare, he winds up in the Big Apple, where he's expecting to revive a failing team.
Immediately, there are problems: the media is all over him, a lot of his teammates don't like him, and the fans...oh, the fans. Every week there are questions about his ability, his maturity, and, more than anything else, his ability to be a leader of men.
And things aren't going great on the field, either, for the first few seasons. A great performance is followed up by a terrible one. He leads the league in interceptions twice in his first three seasons. Coming into his fourth season, a lot of people have had enough, and even his supporters are starting to question him.
Then, something happens in his fourth season. But not at first - for most of the season, it's the same problems as before. But, somehow, when his team needs big performances late, he gives it to them. Then, the playoffs come and he's brilliant - almost a different quarterback. The two-headed monster at running back is working, and he's the one pulling the strings. There's a confidence in his gaze and his stride that no one has ever seen before. His teammates see this and feed off of it - suddenly, he's their guy, and they'll run through walls for him.
And so he leads his team into the Super Bowl, where he faces unbelievable odds, against a seemingly invincible coach. And you know what? He wins that game, and in doing so becomes a legend.
Who am I talking about? If you said "Eli Manning," go stab yourself in the face with an ice pick. He hasn't led the league in INTs twice - just this season. I'm talking about Broadway Joe himself.
Yes, I'm comparing this guy:
...to this guy:
...and I'm aware of how insane that seems. But the facts are the facts, and the similarities between Eli Manning as he prepares for the Super Bowl and Joe Namath ahead of Super Bowl III are kind of eerie. Look at their numbers through their first four seasons:
Namath: 55 G, 50.0 Pct., 12,753 YD, 78 TD, 87 INT E. Manning: 57 G, 54.7 Pct., 11,385 YD, 77 TD, 64 INT
Not to say that this is destiny or anything, but if we're lucky, Eli will be starring in crappy Italian movies within two years, something we all need to see. Or, he could wind up doing an updated version of this commercial, which I'm sure no one wants to see:
You should have seen a lot of updates from me this past weekend, as there was a lot of sports on tap, and despite my being on vacation in Monterey with my family, a lot of sports that I watched. However, you can thank the IT department that administers the "free" WiFi at the Ramada Inn for your lack of updates. When the Internets isn't working on Saturday, and you call the technical support number, and their answer is "uh, I guess we'll trying restarting the server?", you probably are going to be without the wireless Interweb for the rest of the weekend.
So, Let's recap some of the weekend's news stories, in a pithy yet easy-to-digest format:
Let's get the big thing out of the way: Eli Manning is starting the Super Bowl. If you could go back to your past self, say, six weeks ago, and try to explain this to him/her, they would probably shoot you on sight, since clearly you aren't from the future but from Bizarro World.
Perhaps the most bizarre thing out of all of this is that Eli Manning led not one, but two potentially game-winning drives on Sunday, putting the Giants in position to kick the game-winning field goal. And both times the Giants fucked that up, thanks to Lawrence "Norwood" Tynes. AND SOMEHOW THEY STILL WON THE GAME! Albeit, not with a third game-winning drive by Eli - that's just asking too much - but thanks to a dumb throw by Brett Favre.
Which - no surprise - wasn't the only bad throw he made on Sunday. And - no surprise - Joe Buck and Troy Aikman seemed unwilling or just unable to point out. If it wasn't for the fact that RW McQuarters apparently eats a pound of bacon with his bare hands on the sidelines before taking the field (leading to two fumbles), the Giants wouldn't have needed overtime, and it would have been thanks to Brett Favre's poor decisions. (Not to mention the two or three times he threw lame ducks into triple coverage and got away with no being picked off).
Here's the weird part: in the second half, every time Eli Manning went back to pass, you expected something good to happen. Maybe he would get a completion, or a receiver would draw a flag. But you had that same feeling of inevitability that you usually get from his brother, or Tom Brady or...Brett Favre.
How did this happen? Has any QB ever made such huge strides in such a short period of time? It was just midseason that Eli was throwing interceptions like they were butterscotch candies from the Shriners' float at the local parade. Now he's suddenly Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and John Elway all rolled into one.
As for the other championship game: that went about like everyone expected. The Chargers were able to move the ball fairly well, especially considering that their QB was apparently playing while missing an ACL. Which you kind of need. And their star running back still had all of his various ligaments in his knee, but one of them was bruised so he sat out most of the game. Which, in comparison, kind of makes him a giant pussy.
The Pats did what they've done the whole second half of the season: let a lesser team stick around, and just when it gets interesting...drive, touchdown, game out of reach, yawn. I'm actually sitting here thinking to myself, "Wow, they can't do that against the Giants - Eli will burn them if they let him hang around." And my mind was just blown.
And, oh yeah, USC beat UCLA in basketball. Men's basketball. At UCLA. Which, in the face of Eli Manning starting in the Super Bowl, doesn't seem that odd at all.
LOS ANGELES - The NCAA today ruled that free tickets received by freshman
