From time to time, athletes make guest appearances on TV shows. This doesn't happen as much anymore, and certainly not as much as the 1980s, when seemingly every kid making a big league roster got at least a guest spot on "Small Wonder" (I think it was in a collective bargaining agreement). Thank God for YouTube, which lets us relive the train wrecks that happen when entertainment and sports collide.
For example, here are the legendary Detroit Tigers double play combination of Alan Trammell and Lou Whitaker doing a guest spot on "Magnum P.I." with a haggard looking Tom Selleck. The spot makes sense, given the character's love to the Tigers. Too bad no one thought to find out of either of these guys could act:
As McLane pointed out, Trammell's necklace kicks all kinds of ass. And Lou Whitaker resembles LenDale White minus about 1,000 Quarter Pounders with Cheese.
You know why baseball is dying with kids in America? Not because of the popularity of other sports, or steroid scandals, or kids playing video games instead of going outside. No, it's because they don't have quality entertainment like "The Baseball Bunch". If you don't remember it (and if you're an adult male in my age group, how could you not?), "The Baseball Bunch" was a half-hour baseball show for kids that ran weekend mornings (usually before the Game of the Week in my market - check your local listings from the early 1980s for times and channels). It was hosted by Johnny "Krylon" Bench, and the idea was that he would teach a group of kids (The Baseball Bunch) the fundamentals of the game with the help of guest stars - i.e. baseball players like Mike Schmidt, Ozzie Smith and more. The San Diego Chicken was there to provide the comedy, while Tommy Lasorda was there as "The Dugout Wizard" to help scare the kids away from talking to creepy old men.
I watched every week when I was a kid. Usually I picked up some tip that I could use in my Little League game that week, whether it was Cal Ripken showing how to pivot to turn the double play, or Keith Hernandez teaching you...I don't know, how to grow a mustache. At any rate, it was pretty educational.
(Side note: did you know that Lou Pinella's career ended when he injured his rotator cuff while being pitched to by the San Diego Chicken on the show? It's on Wikipedia, so it must be true...)
As for the humor...well, it was on par with something like "You Can't Do That on Television" - it worked for me when I was 7, but it probably doesn't hold up quite as well today. However, don't tell Johnny Bench that, as watching the San Diego Chicken peel potatoes is apparently the funniest thing he's seen since Dave Concepcion put cayenne peppers in Joe Morgan's jock. Watch this and wait for the end, when the Chicken takes a shot in his...err...eggs:
I hope next week's episode involved The Dugout Wizard talking to the kids about the importance of wearing a cup at all times. Actually, scratch that - the thought of an old man in a bad Merlin outfit lecturing kids on proper equipment for their privates is just wrong.
You know the old joke, right? "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out!" I guess after this weekend, we might need to update that joke a bit: "I went to a hockey game, and a GOD DAMNED SLASHER FILM BROKE OUT!!!"
Note: All of the videos I'm posting are graphic and bloody to varying degrees (actually, from least to most, coincidentally). The fact that it appears that everyone involved will live to tell the tale is the only reason I'm posting them at all.
First, on Saturday night: linesman Pat Dapuzzo took a skate to the face in the Flyers/Rangers game. Dapuzzo wound up needing at least 20 stitches and a possible broken nose. Meanwhile, immediately after Dapuzzo was struck, a multi-player brawl broke out. Amazingly, Dapuzzo got up and tried to skate over to the scrum to help break things up until he was convinced by the medical staff to skate off and get attention.
So, yeah, it's not just the players who are tough.
Then tonight in Buffalo...during the Panthers' games against the Sabres, Richard Zednik took a skate to the throat from teammate Olli Jokinen, severing his jugular vein. Needless to say, that's even worse than a skate to the face. Zednik somehow skated off the ice and into the arms of medical personnel, where he apparently collapsed in the tunnel on the way to the back. Miraculously, as of right now (10:32 p.m. on Sunday night), Zednik is reported to be a stable condition after surgery and is expected to make a full recovery.
Of course, this had be a horrible flashback to longtime Sabres fans. Back in 1989, Buffalo goaltender Clint Malarchuk had his throat slashed in a game, severing his carotid artery, spilling copious amounts of blood onto the ice. (This is what Sabres play-by-play Rick Jeanneret is referencing in the last video when he says that he's seen someone bleed like that once before, but didn't like discussing it.) Essentially, he was bleeding to death right there in the crease. (The phrase I've heard to describe the incident is "gushes of blood with every heartbeat." The similarities to the Zednik situation tonight are just eerie. Only the quick thinking of the medical personnel saved Malarchuk's life, and he was even able to rejoin the team for the playoffs just a few later.
WARNING: THIS IS 100 TIMES MORE GRAPHIC THAN ANY OF THE OTHER TWO VIDEOS. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, DON'T WATCH THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Assuming a full recovery for Zednik, the question now becomes: should the game have continued as it did, after a lengthy delay (where they had to bring out a Zamboni to scrape the blood off of the ice). NHL vice-president Colin Campbell (who was in attendance to watch his son play for the Flyers) consulted with the two teams and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, and after word arrived that Zednik was at the hospital and stable, a decision was made to finish the game.
Should they have stopped the game? I don't think anyone would have minded if they did. Knowing that Zednik had been stabilized, I can see where the decision would be made that "OK, things are looking more promising, let's finish the game." Honestly, I have no idea what I would have done. Most bloggers want to have THE DEFINITIVE ANSWER TO EVERY SITUATION, and want to rip any decision they don't like. But there are some situations where there are no "good answers," and I guess the best upshot out of all of this is that the story in the following days is going to be whether or not the game should have been stopped because of a serious injury, and not talking about a player dying on the ice. (And I don't understand how scientists can develop the technology to harness wasted energy from walking to create battery power, as I heard on NPR today, but they can't make a skate that won't slice someone's main arteries on contact.)
And in case you were curious, it apparently takes more than a player almost dying on ice in horrific fashion for the NHL to be the lead story on SportsCenter. The 11 p.m. Pacific edition had the UNC/Clemson and UCLA/Washington basketball games, Daytona 500 qualifying, and then the story on Zednik. But I'm sure that editorial decision had nothing to do with the fact that ESPN are broadcast partners with NCAA basketball and NASCAR, but not with the NHL. In fact, how dare I even bring it up?
I used to ride a bicycle. In the summer in junior high, a friend and I would take daylong rides, usually 80 miles or more, sometimes up to the base of the Sierra Nevadas. However, I was not one of those guys who wear neon orange and lime green bicycling suits that are tight enough to need a bucket of talc to get into and out of. Why? Because I'm not and never have been a professional cyclists, and neither have any of those idiots you see on the roads every day. I like NASCAR, but I don't wear a helmet with HANS device and a full fireproof suit when I get in my car to go to the store for groceries.
That said, Rigoberto Uran is a professional cyclist, although apparently not a very good one. I would think that "learning to turn" would be one of those skills that would be handy for a professional cyclist, especially on a twisty, mountain course:
Ouch. In case you are wondering, Uran wound up with two broken elbows, a broken wrist and a crack in the back of his neck that was described as "absolutely harmless", which seems pretty much impossible.
And because I hate to leave you with just one video, let me refer you to the Cycling Fans Anonymous Web site, which compiled a list of the Ten Worst Cycling Crashes of 2007. You'll be keeping the training wheels on your kids' bikes for a few extra months after seeing these videos and photos.
If you haven't been paying attention, American's Favorite Drunk Skier Bode Miller has left the US National team and is competing on his own in the World Cup this year, which is practically unheard of. The amazing part is that he's having one of his best seasons in recent years training and competing on his own, current standing third in the Overall Standings, with two victories on the season.
This weekend brought a tie for second at the downhill race in Kitzbuehel, Austria (which is pretty much the Daytona of skiing). Unfortunately, the story of the race wasn't Miller, or winner Didier Cuche, but a horrific crash by American Scott McCartney on the final jump of the race. In case you are curious, McCartney is reportedly in good condition with no serious injuries other than a concussion.
Still...ugh. I think I'll stay on the bunny slopes. (Note: video commentary in German. Or possibly Hungarian. Or some other European, guttural language.)
And I know some people are going to wonder: since he crossed the finish line, we has scored as having finished 33rd out of 55 finishers. Which a) has to sting if you finished behind an unconscious guy and b) may or may not be even more impressive than Clint Bowyer finishing the Daytona 500 upside down and on fire last year:
I grew up loving NASCAR. I would watch every race I could as a kid, usually on ESPN. And this might surprise you if you've watched the current coverage of NASCAR on ESPN/ABC...but it was incredible coverage. You had Bob Jenkins with the play-by-play, and some combination of Benny Parsons, Ned Jarrett and Larry Nuber on color commentary.
What made it so special? The broadcast was actually about the racing, and not the 80,000 other things that make up a NASCAR telecast these days. I promise you that ESPN didn't miss a restart or the leader taking the checkered flag back in my time.
Plus, the racing was just better. The drivers weren't media polished and fresh-scrubbed: they were racers, and even the most gentile ones weren't afraid to drive someone off the road if they needed to. Earnhardt, Waltrip, Allison, Yarborough, Petty...you could smell the tobacco and gas fumes on these guys.
If you want to know what I'm talking about, and see what NASCAR really used to be about, join me on a YouTube trip down memory lane, as we watch a special that ESPN created for its 10th anniversary of covering NASCAR races back in 1991. It's in several pieces, so I've added the videos below.
(Note: Because Blogger is ridiculous and makes it impossible to make a jump/cut without screwing up your whole blog, I've just added the videos below rather than a nice, tidy jump cut like I would have wanted...)
Part 1 (Includes: Bobby Allison's Talladega crash in 1987 that lead to restrictor plates; Bill Elliot's Winston Million in 1985)
Part 2 (Includes first career wins of Dale Jarrett, Davey Allison, Rusty Wallace, Ernie Irvan, Mark Martin and Alan Kulwicki)
Part 3 (Includes: A look at Super Speedways, Short Tracks and Road Courses; Winston Cup clinching moments of Earnhardt, Elliot and Wallace; a boring interview with Brett Bodine)
Part 4 (Includes: a look at ESPN's technical innovations in covering NASCAR; the "stolen pace car" incident from the Talladega 500 in 1986; Rusty Wallace's practice crash at Bristol in 1988; Buffet Benny)
Part 5 (A look at big crashes, including: Michael Watrip (Bristol, 1990); Darrell Waltrip (Pepsi 400, 1991); 1990 Daytona 400 (1st lap melee); Mark Martin (Sears Point 1989 and Daytona 1989)
Part 6 (Fantastic Finishes including: Talladega 1986 (B. Allison/Earnhardt); North Wilkesboro 1989 (Rudd/Earnhardt/G. Bodine); Bristol 1990 (D. Allison/Martin) and Victory Lane interviews with Lake Speed and Darrell Waltrip)
It's winter, so that means that there will be plenty of ski accidents to watch on YouTube. Am I sick because I like watching helpless skiers go sailing out of control at 80 mph, slamming their bodies into the ground and being thrown around like a rag doll in the dryer? Probably, but I guess I am what I am.
Here's a little compilation of skiing crashes to get you ready. Does it have Euros crashing on a downhill run and knocking themselves silly? Check. Song by Against Me? Check. Created on Windows MovieMaker? Check.
The best part are those flimsy, orange barriers. It always seems like going through five or six of those at top speed and having your limbs rendered by them hurts more than if they just weren't there. Unless there's, you know, a tree there or something.
