Birthers claim Obama can run 2:10 marathon, proving he is Kenyan

WASHINGTON, DC – Birther movement leader Orly Taitz today produced what called “conclusive” evidence that confirms her group’s claims that President Barack Obama was born in Kenya: video purporting to show Obama running a marathon in just over 2 hours and 10 minutes.

“As far as we’re concerned, this is absolute proof,” Taitz told CNN anchor Lou Dobbs during an interview. “How many people from Hawaii do you know who can run a marathon that fast? Especially when they smoke? Clearly, only a true Kenyan citizen could run this well.”

The amateur footage shows a tall, slender black man crossing the finish line with a time of 2:11:01 from a great distance away.

“You look at that and tell me that’s not Obama,” Taitz said. “There’s even a Kenyan flag on his shirt. Listen – you even hear people talking about ‘Hussein,’ which is a clear reference to this traitor and liar’s middle name!”

However, running experts and video analysts have dismissed the footage. They say it is clearly taken from the 1989 New York City marathon, won by Kenyan runner Ibrahim Hussein in a time of 2:11:01.

“You can even see a big electronic billboard flashing that says ‘Congratulations Ibrahim Hussein, winner of the 1989 New York Marathon’ as soon as he crosses,” says Harold Osterman, a longtime journalist covering running. “I’ve met Ibrahim Hussein dozens of times, and that’s obviously him.”

Despite the claims that the footage is not of Obama, CNN’s Dobbs is planning a two-hour special broadcast devoted to “whether or not this explosive new footage should warrant Congressional action looking at President Obama’s place of birth.”

President Obama refused to comment on the matter. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that Obama was “focusing on more important issues, like health care reform and the economy” and definitely not running from Washington, DC to Annapolis, MD as part of this daily workout.

Editor-in-chief of the conservative Web site World Net daily and a self-professed “birther” Joseph Farah brushed aside critics of the video as being “brainwashed followers” of the liberal media.

“There’s one coincidence that someone digs up, and suddenly it’s supposed to invalidate our whole movement?” he said. “The burden of proof is on Obama to prove that he can’t run a marathon in less than two hours and 15 minutes without purposely not running as fast as he can.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:17 PM 0 comments  

Phelps plans to wear "retro" Victorian swimsuit at London Olympics

BALTIMORE – Buoyed by his recent haul of five gold medals at the 2009 World Championships while wearing an “outdated” Speedo swimsuit, American swimming superstar Michael Phelps today announced plans to swim at the 2012 London Olympics wearing swimming gear from the 1890s.

“Some friends and I were sitting around yesterday, listening to some old Bob Marley albums and…umm…drinking apple ciders, when we came up with this idea,” Phelps said. “We had the sound down on the TV, and Chariots of Fire came on and we just thought “whoa”. Plus, I’m getting bored winning everything.”

In response to his unusual request, apparel sponsor Speedo quickly began work on a signature line of “throwback” swimming outfits for Phelps, with the first offering set to debut in time for the 2010 swim season. It will be a knitted wool two-piece with wide red and blue vertical stripes. In accordance with the dyes available in the 1890s, each suit will only last for 150 meters of wearing before the dye completely runs off and into the pool.

Rivals were skeptical about Phelps’ plan, wondering if there wasn’t an ulterior motive to his moves.

“He knows that his time is coming and I’m going to be the one who ends his reign, so now he’s looking for excuses,” said Milorad Cravic, who lost to Phelps in the 100m butterfly by a fingertip at the Beijing Olympics and also lost to Phelps at the 2009 World Championships while wearing a technological superior suit. “When I do beat him – and I will beat him – it will be ‘Oh, my suit was too heavy, the extra 10 pounds of water weight, my nipples were raw from the wool’. What a whiner”

Still, Cravic said his apparel company Arena was preparing a new Victorian-era two piece suit made out of “flying-machine age” wool fibers “just in case” he couldn’t beat Phelps in his modern suit.

Speedo said that the company hopes that Phelps' decision will spark a retro swimwear craze.

"We've all seen how successful throwback football and baseball uniforms have been, so why not
retro swimsuits?" asked Speedo spokesperson Michael Flaherty.

In related story, boxing champion Manny Pacquiao said he was also bored with the ease he was winning fights, so he plans to fight bare-knuckled for his next title defense while billing himself as "Irish" Mickey O'Pacquiao.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:41 PM 2 comments  

Spurrier admits South Carolina defense forgot about Tim Tebow last two seasons

HOOVER, AL – After admitting that a staff member had forgotten to include former Heisman Trophy-winner Tim Tebow on a preseason All-SEC ballot when filling out a ballot for him, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier also revealed that he and his defensive coaches had forgotten about him for the past two seasons.

“You’d think that someone would have remembered him, but everyone just seemed to let it slip,” Spurrier said. “It’s just the dangedest thing.”

In Florida’s past two games against South Carolina, Tebow has accounted for 636 yards of offense and 10 TDs, while the Gators have beaten the Gamecocks by an average score of 35 points.

“We kept banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out how to stop Florida’s offense, and we never could figure it out,” Spurrier said. “I guess we’ll have to pay more attention to the game film to see what this Tebow kid’s all about.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:15 PM 0 comments  

Mr. Perfect scoffs at Mark Buerhle's perfect game from Heaven

HEAVEN – Former professional wrestler Mr. Perfect descended from Heaven yesterday to tell reporters that he was “unimpressed” with the perfect game thrown by Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday afternoon.

“Perfect? Ha! How many guys did he strike out?,” asked Mr. Perfect, who died in 2003. “Six? Pfft. I could do that in one inning.”

Mr. Perfect then went on to say that the previous week, he had struck out 27 of baseball’s all-time greats in throwing a perfect game during a Heaven Recreational League game.

“Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle – no problem with my Perfect Pitch,” Mr. Perfect said. “Once I dropped the strap on my pinstriped singlet, they were done.”

But some of the dead players from Mr. Perfect’s perfect game claim that things might not have been on the up and up.

“I think he was throwing a spitball,” said Jimmie Foxx. “He kept saying that he was only ‘spitting his gum out,’ but a new piece for every batter? Seems fishy to me.”

“I thought I saw Rick Rude injecting something into his butt between innings,” added Ty Cobb. “Plus, his junk kept sticking out of his shorts. I haven’t seen anything that distracting since they let Jews start coming into the stands.”

Mr. Perfect was aghast that Buerhle played in the American League, where the designated hitter rule is used.

“How could his game be perfect is he doesn’t even hit?” he said. “Last week I went 4-for-4 with four home runs – like I do every week. I even hit the last one blindfolded, just to see if I could.”

Despite his success, Mr. Perfect said he’s become “bored” with baseball and has decided to quit. Instead, he’s enrolled in a pottery class at Heaven’s recreation center and plans to learn how to make “the Perfect Ashtray.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

Jeremy Mayfield blows up gas cans, is not a meth addict

I was thinking about the Jeremy Mayfield case earlier today after re-reading McLane's post from a few days ago. I was especially hung up on the fact that if he has been using meth for years as his stepmother claims, he's probably the best-looking long-term meth head I've ever seen (and keep in mind I'm from the Central Valley, so we're talking about roughly 30 percent of the population). No visibly missing teeth, no open sores and he's not constantly trying to shoo invisible spiders off his body during interviews.

So I decided to visit the Partnership for a Drug-Free America Web site to find out a bit more about the effects of crystal meth. Here are the first two sentences from the "Long Term Effects" section:

The drug’s effects are similar to those of cocaine but longer lasting. Crystal Meth can cause erratic, violent behavior among its users.

Now, please keep this in mind when watching the following video, taken from the TV show "NASCAR Drivers: 360" that aired in 2004:



Let's review again: did you see any "erratic, violent behavior" in that video? Something like an insatiable need to blow things up? Or how about any effects that would be "similar to those of cocaine," such as his wife noting his incredible amount of energy.

For his part, Jeremy Mayfield had better hope that NASCAR doesn't enter this as Exhibit A in any trial. I know it's circumstantial evidence, but it's going to be hard to argue that you aren't a meth addict after video of you blowing up watermelons and full gas cans with your children are shown to the jury.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:19 PM 0 comments  

Nude Lee Corso peephole footage leads to shock, revulsion

BRISTOL, CT - Just days after ESPN moved to stop the dissemination of a video taken from a hotel peephole showing sideline reporter Erin Andrews nude, network lawyers went into action to stop the distribution of a similar video featuring college football analyst Lou Corso, although the existence of the footage has yet to create the same online clamor.

The brief, grainy footage, apparently captured through the peephole of a hotel, shows the 73-year-old Corso nude and applying Gold Bond powder to his genitals and other private areas. It abruptly cuts off after a voice is hearing saying “That’s not Bonnie Bernstein. Oh God, it’s Corso. Augh!”

News of Andrews’ video spread like wildfire through the Internet, with thousands of users going to various blogs and media sharing sites to download footage of the woman called by many as the “Hottest Sportscaster on TV.” However, the primary reaction to the Lee Corso footage has been revulsion.

“Holy crap, I can’t believe those things hang that low,” said Chris O’Riley, who viewed the video at the urging of a college friend. “No, don’t touch that! Augh!”

Much like the infamous “Two Girls, One Cup” video, many “response” videos have popped up on YouTube showing the repulsion of unsuspecting viewers who watch the Corso peephole footage for the first time.

"While some people are intrigued by elder porn, the majority of people are just sickened and revolted," said Ernie O'Hallaran, an expert in elder porn and the "bottom" in the Lemon Party photo. "But, this is Lee Corso we're talking about here. God, seeing him naked even makes me sick."

Corso refused to comment on the video other than to release a brief statement saying "Not so fast, my friend, if you think that's a pencil in that video."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 6:29 PM 1 comments  

Brock Lesnar apologizes for crushing store clerk's larynx after winning free Slushie

MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.

"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."

Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.

Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.

Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.

"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"

UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.

"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:56 PM 0 comments  

Kyle Boller wonders if ESPN would cover his funeral like they did with Steve McNair

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA – While watching the memorial service for Steve McNair on Thursday, Kyle Boller asked several friends at his home in suburban Los Angeles if they thought ESPN would offer live coverage of his funeral if he died under shocking circumstances.

“I don’t mean suicide or anything like that, but maybe if I was shot in some sort of home invasion robbery,” said Boller to several people gathered in his game room. “Or maybe in a botched hold-up at a 7-11 late one night after I made a run to pick up a Slurpee for my wife. Yeah, that would probably do it!”

Boller, was drafted in the first round by Baltimore Ravens in 2003, but was considered a bust and eventually lost his starting job to McNair. He is currently competing for a job as a back-up with the St. Louis Rams.

“I’m not saying I want to die or anything like that, but I’m just wondering what would happen,” said Boller. “They’d probably carry the funeral live in Baltimore, right? Definitely in Berkeley, though.”

Friends who were gathered at Boller’s house were surprised and confused by his comments.

“We were sitting around with McNair’s memorial service on, and he just came out of nowhere with this,” said John McNamara, a high school teammate of Boller’s. “At first I thought he was joking, but he kept bringing it up the rest of the day. It was creepy.”

While at lunch with his friends at a nearby Arby’s, Boller mentioned that he thought about joining the Army “like Pat Tillman” and later asked if anyone was interested in watching “Brian’s Song.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that no matter what, they wouldn’t show his funeral on ESPN,” McNamara said. “Maybe the Los Angeles Daily News would put it on their front page if he did something heroic, like save the President’s life by stopping a terrorist plot, but that’s about it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:50 PM 0 comments  

ESPN Classic viewer can’t believe they’re still showing “Cheap Seats” reruns

MILWAUKEE – IT specialist Dan Hopkins “couldn’t fucking believe” that ESPN Classic was showing a rerun of “Cheap Seats” when he turned on his TV early Tuesday morning, according to co-workers at Comericon Bank.

“Honestly, ESPN has to have, what, a million hours of programming in their archives,” Hopkins told friends Wednesday afternoon at work. “And the best they could find was ‘Cheap Seats?’ They couldn’t throw on a college football game from 1987, or some old NFL draft coverage from 1996? Unfuckingbelievable.”

“Cheap Seats” was a sports comedy show hosted by the Sklar Brothers that ran on ESPN Classic from 2004 to 2006. Similar in tone to the cult favorite “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” the show featured the hosts riffing on old sports clips.

“I mean, it would be one thing if the show was still on the air,” Hopkins told several people over lunch. “But it’s been off the air for three years. Three years!”

Hopkins had turned on the TV at 12:30 a.m. after returning home from a late-night server installation. It had been on ESPN Classic from the previous evening, and he was apparently “dumbfounded” to find “Cheap Seats” on the screen.

“The last thing I expected was to see the god damned Sklar Brothers smirking at me at 12:30 in the morning,” Hopkins said. “And it came on during one of those awful sketches they used to do – you know, the ones that had all of their ‘alternative’ comedy friends being smug and unfunny. Christ.”

Hopkins’ amazement was compounded when he saw on the cable program guide that a second episode of “Cheap Seats” was scheduled immediately after the one he was watching.

“Two episodes?,” he screamed to himself. “You have got to be shitting me. Seriously. And it’s not even a real episode – it’s some shitty spoof of the ‘Inside Sportscenter” specials they used to do. Wonky, self-referential bullshit! Really?”

When a co-worker asked him why he didn’t change the channel, Hopkins said it was an improvement over “watching Sportscenter again or another World Series of Poker rerun from 2004.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:41 PM 1 comments  

Tiger Woods has leg shattered in attempt to "get back to 2008 form"

Tiger Woods instructed longtime caddy Steve Williams to smash his surgically repaired left leg and knee late Sunday night in a last-ditch effort to regain the form that saw him win the U.S. Open last year. The reversal of the surgery for a broken leg and torn ACL was deemed “a success” by Woods as he hobbled from the locker rooms at Bethpage Black ahead of Monday’s rain-delayed final round.

“Right now I feel good; and by that I mean in tremendous pain,” said Woods after Williams slammed a sledgehammer into his leg several times in the restroom at the Bethpage Black clubhouse. “I know I needed to do something to get back to where I was last year if I want to have any chance to defend my title, so this is the gameplan we’ve come up with.”

Woods won last year’s tournament at Torrey Pines while playing through excruciating pain from his leg injuries, and immediately had surgery that caused him to miss eight months of action. He finished play on Sunday 10 shots out of the lead with 15 holes to play, a situation that Woods said demanded “desperate measures.”

Golf Channel analyst Frank Nobilo said that Woods’ willingness to have a crippling injury inflicted on himself just showed his legendary competitive spirit.

“How many other players in the world would be willing to endure such abject pain in order to give himself a chance to pull off an improbable comeback?,” Nobilo said. “It just shows that inside this champion lies the heart of a masochist – and inside that heart is a masochistic champion.”

Best-selling author John Feinstein also speculated that Woods’ actions might have a psychological impact on the other players in the field.

“I’m sure that they could hear the sickening thud of sledgehammer against bone and flesh and Woods’ bloodcurdling scream in the locker room as they were ready to leave for the night,” Feinstein said. “That certainly gives the other players something to think about as they sleep tonight. When Tiger Woods is crippling himself in order to win a championship, everyone knows it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:52 PM 0 comments