HEAVEN – Former professional wrestler Mr. Perfect descended from Heaven yesterday to tell reporters that he was “unimpressed” with the perfect game thrown by Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday afternoon.
“Perfect? Ha! How many guys did he strike out?,” asked Mr. Perfect, who died in 2003. “Six? Pfft. I could do that in one inning.”
Mr. Perfect then went on to say that the previous week, he had struck out 27 of baseball’s all-time greats in throwing a perfect game during a Heaven Recreational League game.
“Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle – no problem with my Perfect Pitch,” Mr. Perfect said. “Once I dropped the strap on my pinstriped singlet, they were done.”
But some of the dead players from Mr. Perfect’s perfect game claim that things might not have been on the up and up.
“I think he was throwing a spitball,” said Jimmie Foxx. “He kept saying that he was only ‘spitting his gum out,’ but a new piece for every batter? Seems fishy to me.”
“I thought I saw Rick Rude injecting something into his butt between innings,” added Ty Cobb. “Plus, his junk kept sticking out of his shorts. I haven’t seen anything that distracting since they let Jews start coming into the stands.”
Mr. Perfect was aghast that Buerhle played in the American League, where the designated hitter rule is used.
“How could his game be perfect is he doesn’t even hit?” he said. “Last week I went 4-for-4 with four home runs – like I do every week. I even hit the last one blindfolded, just to see if I could.”
Despite his success, Mr. Perfect said he’s become “bored” with baseball and has decided to quit. Instead, he’s enrolled in a pottery class at Heaven’s recreation center and plans to learn how to make “the Perfect Ashtray.”
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