Brock Lesnar apologizes for crushing store clerk's larynx after winning free Slushie

MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.

"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."

Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.

Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.

Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.

"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"

UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.

"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 8:56 PM 0 comments  

Your UFC 85 Preview

I like mixed martial arts. And I know about as much about the sport as a short, pudgy guy with no martial arts training can. (The closest I come is that my dad used to use Hi Karate cologne - hope that helps!) But I want to make sure that you, the Your Face reader, is as informed as possible about this fascinating, cauliflower-ear popping sport.

So let me introduce you to Stock, who is going to be providing occasional MMA coverage for the site. Unlike my pansy ass, Stock is an amateur MMA fighter who has trained with some top fighters. And I've personally seen him put a guy into an armbar and then throw him into a hotel swimming pool - all while sans clothing - at 3 a.m. (I didn't actually see this, but judging by the underwear that was down at the hotel pool the next morning, I'll take his word for it.)

Stock is previewing tomorrow night's upcoming UFC 85 PPV event. Although this is the first UFC PPV card in recent memory without a title bout, it should still be a highly-entertaining card stocked deep with quality matches.

Without any further adieu, here is Stock with your UFC 85 Preview:

Saturday, June 7, 2008
Live from the O2 Arena in London on PPV at 2pm (CST).
Replayed on PPV at 9pm (CST)

Matt Hughes vs Thiago Alves (Main Event)
Matt Hughes may go down as the best welterweight ever. Until losing to Georges St. Pierre in late 2006, Hughes went on a 2 year roll walking thru tough competitors such as Frank Trigg, Royce Gracie, Georges St. Pierre, and BJ Penn. Although GSP seems to have Hughes number now (beating him twice), many feel Hughes is still the 2nd best fighter in the division. This is a huge fight for Matt Hughes if he intends to ever get a shot at the title again before he retires. For Alves, this could put him on the fast track for a title shot. He is coming off 5 straight wins in the UFC (most recently KO'ing Karo Parisyan).

Thiago definitely has the advantage in the stand up game. However Hughes will likely try to use his wrestling and superior strength to get Thiago down to the ground and pound him out. Things look bright for Alves considering Karo (a world known Judo expert) was unable to take him down.

The odds makers are favoring Hughes by about a 62/38 margin, but Alves is on a roll and hungry for a title shot.

Michael Bisping vs Jason Day (Co-Main Event)
Michael Bisping will be a huge crowd favorite fighting in his homeland in England. He was very successful Light Heavyweight after winning "The Ultimate Fighter" reality show on SpikeTV. However, (being a little small for that weight class), he dropped down to Middle Weight in UFC 83 and put a beat down on Charles McCarthy making him unable to answer the bell for the 2nd round. If Bisping can make quick work out of Jason Day, he may be a fight away from a title shot at seemingly invincible Anderson Silva. Jason Day had an impressive first round KO over Alan Belcher in UFC 83, but many think that Bisping is in an entire different league when it comes to striking.

The odds makers are giving Bisping a 77/23 edge, but I don't see Bisping losing this one on his home court.

Brandon Vera vs Fabricio Werdum (Live Heavyweight)
Vera came into the UFC like a bolt of lightning; 4-0 quickly finishing off Frank Mir, Justin Eilers, Assuerio Silva, and Fabiano Sherner. He looked to be on top of the world until he fought Tim Sylvia who exposed Vera's seemingly only weakness (his size). He is pretty small relative to most heavyweights and Werdum will not be an easy test coming off a loss.

Although Werdum lost by unanimous decision in his UFC debut against Andre Arlovski, he rebounded quickly by knocking out Gabe Gonzaga in the 2nd round of UFC 80. Werdum has excellent submissions (submitting his victims in all 3 of his Pride victories), but obviously has good standup skills given his last fight against Gonzaga. This should not come as a surprise being Mirko Cro Cop's training partner in Japan.

The odds makers are giving a very slim edge to Werdum (53/47), and may be the most difficult fight to call of the night. Both fighters have great Jiu Jitsu and great standup.


Marcus Davis vs. Mike Swick (Live Welterweight)
Swick made his welterweight debut in January and despite looking a little sluggish from the drop in weight was able to pull out a decision victory over Josh Burkman. Assuming he is used to the new weight class now, most are expecting him to look a lot more explosive like he was in the heavier weight class.

Marcus "The Irish Hand Grenade" Davis is a very exciting fighter with heavy hands. He is moving his way quickly up the rankings, and is still undefeated in the UFC (6-0). His only weakness so far may be the quality of the opponents he has fought so far (no huge names). Swick will be his toughest competitor to date.

The odds makers give a 62/38 advantage to Davis. Will Davis continue to roll his way up the welterweight rankings or will Swick show that he has a home in this new weight class?

Nate Marquardt vs. Thales Leites (Live Middleweight)
Marquardt has pretty much manhandled everyone in the division except for Silva (the champ). He is a very strong, good wrestler with excellent submissions. His strength allows him to neutralize most fighters' strengths and eventually can get it to the ground and work for submissions.

Thales Leites is on a 3 fight winning streak despite losing in his UFC debut to Martin Kampmann by decision.

Leites has the submission skills to put away just about anyone, but will Marquardt's strength be too much to handle?

The odds makers are favoring Marquardt 75/25.

Other fights on the card that will not be shown live. Some may be shown prerecorded if time permits in the 3 hour PPV slot.
Martin Kampmann vs. Jorge Rivera
Jess Liaudin vs. Paul Taylor
Eddie Sanchez vs. Antoni Hardonk
Thiago Tavares vs. Matt Wiman
Kevin Burns vs. Roan Carneiro
Luiz Cane vs. Jason Lambert

Watch for a big KO in the Sanchez/Hardonk fight. These heavyweights both have very heavy hands and can throw bombs with the best.

The Kampmann/Rivera fight should also be a great one. Kampmann is undefeated in the UFC (3-0), and is coming off a big win over Drew McFedries. Rivera is coming off a big 1st round KO victory over Kendel Grove.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:48 PM 0 comments