Waffle House signs Tiger Woods to endorsement deal

Norcroft, GA - After losing several high-profile endorsements in recent weeks, Tiger Woods gained a rare new endorsement on Sunday, as Waffle House announced they had inked the embattled golfer to a multi-year deal.

Waffle House CEO Joe Rogers said that recent revelations of Woods' infidelity and other indiscretions in his personal life were far from a turn-off for his brand; in fact it brought Woods “closer” to the Waffle House demographic.

“When I heard that he wrecked his SUV after his wife was chasing him in the middle of night with a golf club because he was cheating on her, my first thought was 'Bingo',” Rogers said. “That pretty much sums up why most of our customers wind up eating at Waffle House in the first place.”

Rogers added that Woods' recent fall from grace made it possible for Waffle House to afford bringing him on-board as a celebrity spokesperson.

“Just like our All-Star Special, Tiger Woods is a great deal that's only going to be available for a limited time,” Rogers said. “It's fair to say that much like our hash browns are smothered and covered in gravy, Tiger's been smothered and covered in controversy lately.”

Waffle House will be filming their first commercial with Woods after the New Year. The planned 30-second spot will be dialogue-free and feature Woods drunkenly leering at a moderately-attractive Waffle House waitress. The commercial will end with the restaurant chain's new tag line “Waffle House: If It's Good Enough For Tiger, It's Good Enough For You.”

Woods released a statement through his Web site that was “thrilled” was the new endorsement and “didn't at all consider it to be a massive step down from Accenture or Tag Heuer.”

Woods replaces previous Waffle House spokesperson John Daly, who Rogers said was let go after “failing to live up to the brand image” by failing to get arrested or vomit on himself during a tournament over the past six months.

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Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 AM 1 comments  

North Korean news report: Kim Jong-Il wins PGA Championships

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il – disguised as “Y.E. Yang” – won the PGA Championships on Sunday by three strokes over Tiger Woods by shooting a final round 70, the official North Korean news agency reported today.

“Dear Leader has captured the magnificent title, reaffirming his status as the world’s greatest golfer despite wearing a disguise to avoid chaos sure to be caused by his adoring fans,” said a story by the Korean Central News Agency. “Also, the subterfuge was necessary to avoid illegal sabotage by Americans who would destroy Dear Leader’s accomplishments.”

The story credited Jong-Il’s victory to his “unparalleled natural golfing talent,” first evident when he was reported to have shot a round of 38-under par during his first round of golf. In fact, the KCNA story said that Jong-Il had to temper his play in order to avoid suspicion.

“Dear Leader wanted to ensure that he did not create suspicion about his true nature, which would have been evident when he shot a round in the 40s,” the story said. “He also did not want to embarrass golf master Tiger Woods and offend the Thai people by making his usual five or six holes-in-one each round, so he settled for a chip-in in the final round when needed.”

PGA of America president Brian Whitcomb dismissed the media reports that Yang was simply Jong-Il is disguise, although two-time major winner Fuzzy Zoeller said it might be tough “to tell them apart on account of all Asians looking alike.”

Zoeller also asked that Yang not “serve Kim Chi…or dog…or whatever the hell they eat,” although it was unsure what that was in reference to as the PGA Championships do not have a champion’s dinner.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Tiger Woods has leg shattered in attempt to "get back to 2008 form"

Tiger Woods instructed longtime caddy Steve Williams to smash his surgically repaired left leg and knee late Sunday night in a last-ditch effort to regain the form that saw him win the U.S. Open last year. The reversal of the surgery for a broken leg and torn ACL was deemed “a success” by Woods as he hobbled from the locker rooms at Bethpage Black ahead of Monday’s rain-delayed final round.

“Right now I feel good; and by that I mean in tremendous pain,” said Woods after Williams slammed a sledgehammer into his leg several times in the restroom at the Bethpage Black clubhouse. “I know I needed to do something to get back to where I was last year if I want to have any chance to defend my title, so this is the gameplan we’ve come up with.”

Woods won last year’s tournament at Torrey Pines while playing through excruciating pain from his leg injuries, and immediately had surgery that caused him to miss eight months of action. He finished play on Sunday 10 shots out of the lead with 15 holes to play, a situation that Woods said demanded “desperate measures.”

Golf Channel analyst Frank Nobilo said that Woods’ willingness to have a crippling injury inflicted on himself just showed his legendary competitive spirit.

“How many other players in the world would be willing to endure such abject pain in order to give himself a chance to pull off an improbable comeback?,” Nobilo said. “It just shows that inside this champion lies the heart of a masochist – and inside that heart is a masochistic champion.”

Best-selling author John Feinstein also speculated that Woods’ actions might have a psychological impact on the other players in the field.

“I’m sure that they could hear the sickening thud of sledgehammer against bone and flesh and Woods’ bloodcurdling scream in the locker room as they were ready to leave for the night,” Feinstein said. “That certainly gives the other players something to think about as they sleep tonight. When Tiger Woods is crippling himself in order to win a championship, everyone knows it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:52 PM 0 comments  

Sports Motivational Posters

Big Huge Labs has a fun program where you can make your own "Motivational" poster. You know, the one that your cheesy boss has of a rock climber that says something like "Endurance: Having the grit to hang tough"? So I thought, there are certainly some posters that could be made involving athletes in the news.

Kobe Bryant:

Javon Walker:

Tiger Woods:

Michael Wilbon:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:14 PM 4 comments  

Tilghman Comments on LPGA Players Questioned

ORLANDO, FL - One day after suspending anchor Kelly Tilghman for joking that the best way for other golfers to stop Tiger Woods would be to "lynch him in a back alley", The Golf Channel announced today that it was reviewing Tilghman's comments about LPGA Tour golfers after reports of other inappropriate comments surfaced.

A blog entry on Golfing Report Magazine chronicled at least a dozen questionable remarks made by Tilghman about prominent LPGA golfers over the past several seasons on recap shows such as The 19th Hole.

Among the remarks mentioned in the article:

• On Morgan Pressel (who is Jewish), after she won the Kraft Nabisco Championship at age 18: "If she keeps this kind of play up, the other players are going to need to put her on the Kindertransport if they want to win again."
• On No. 1 ranked golfer Lorena Ochoa (from Mexico): "That was such a dominating performance, the only thing that could have stopped her was a call to INS and a trip in a van back over the border."
• On superstar Annika Sorenstam (from Sweden), after a tough defeat at the 2007 Mastercard Classic: "Perhaps she should take a cue from so many of her countrymen and kill herself."
• On former major winner Se Ri Pak (from Korea): "It looks like she's put on some weight in the time off since her injury - maybe she needs to add more salads and less Chicken Fried Cat."
• On former Player of the Year Karrie Webb (from Australia): "And after missing the par putt to get into the tournament, she probably feels just like she does when she gets done being double-team by a pair of drunken kangaroos. Which I'm sure she does, all the time. Because she's Australian.
• On Women's British Open winner and sex symbol Natalie Gulbis: "You have to wonder if she wouldn't be more successful if she spent more time practicing and less time being such a skanky ho-bag whore."
  

Golf Channel officials said that they would have to review tapes of the broadcasts to see what context the statements were made in.

"Obviously, this is not the kind of thing that we condone on our broadcasts, ever," said Golf Channel spokesperson Jim McGurty. "But to be honest, no one pays a lot of attention to what anyone says about the LPGA Tour, so it's pretty understandable how this could have slipped past us. Broads playing golf - give me a fucking break."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:21 PM 0 comments