Scott McCartney's Horrific Downhill Crash at Kitzbuehel

If you haven't been paying attention, American's Favorite Drunk Skier Bode Miller has left the US National team and is competing on his own in the World Cup this year, which is practically unheard of. The amazing part is that he's having one of his best seasons in recent years training and competing on his own, current standing third in the Overall Standings, with two victories on the season.

This weekend brought a tie for second at the downhill race in Kitzbuehel, Austria (which is pretty much the Daytona of skiing). Unfortunately, the story of the race wasn't Miller, or winner Didier Cuche, but a horrific crash by American Scott McCartney on the final jump of the race. In case you are curious, McCartney is reportedly in good condition with no serious injuries other than a concussion.

Still...ugh. I think I'll stay on the bunny slopes. (Note: video commentary in German. Or possibly Hungarian. Or some other European, guttural language.)



And I know some people are going to wonder: since he crossed the finish line, we has scored as having finished 33rd out of 55 finishers. Which a) has to sting if you finished behind an unconscious guy and b) may or may not be even more impressive than Clint Bowyer finishing the Daytona 500 upside down and on fire last year:

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:39 AM 7 comments  

Finally! The Feds Got Dana Stubblefield

Folks, our national nightmare is over. The Federal Government finally brought the big hammer down on the BALCO investigation, and in the face of overwhelming evidence, we have a guilty plea. !

What, you didn't think I was talking about Barry Bonds, did you? Get serious - that case is going to be tied up in courts for so long that by the time they get to trial, it will be heard by Judge Dredd. No, I'm talking about former NFL lineman Dana Stubblefield, who today pleaded guilty to one count of lying to federal agents about his use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs during the BALCO investigation, including "The Clear" (who I think is going to be playing the Coachella festival on the second stage this year - great band).

But the punishment is going to be steep - up to five year in prison. Except for the fact "based on sentencing guidelines and other cases, Stubblefield is likely to receive anywhere from no jail time to six months."

This all reminds me that somehow, Dana Stubblefield was the Defensive Player of the Year in 1997. Looking back, isn't that one of the flukiest things ever (or a statement on how little importance to put on the Defensive Player of the Year award)? But if we can't believe in Dana Stubblefield, who can we believe in? Dan Wilkerson? Bryant Young?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:58 PM 0 comments  

What the Hell Happened to the Cal Football Program?

If you didn't see the other day, junior Cal WR/KR and former Heisman Trophy candidate DeSean Jackson announced that he is skipping his senior season to enter the NFL Draft. The decision isn't that surprising - he's Mel Kiper Jr.'s No. 1 rated junior wide receiver, and a solid mid-first round pick in most mock drafts. In short, he's going to be making a lot of money next year when he suits up for an NFL team.

But let's take a look at Cal for a second. Remember earlier this season, after they knocked off Oregon in what during a normal season would have been a Game of the Year candidate, how they were supposed to be the team that was going to stand up to USC, and how they had an inside track to a BCS title game berth?

Flash-forward to today. The wheels on the bus completely fell off in the second half of the season. After rising to as high as No. 2 in the polls, Cal lost six of their last seven regular season games, and needed to rally from three touchdowns down to beat Air Force in their bowl game. Quarterback Nate Longshore completely fell apart, and might be riding the pine next season in favor of Kevin Riley, who lead the bowl comeback.

And speaking of next season...yikes. As the San Jose Mercury News article points out, Jackson's departure leaves the receiving corp unusually thin:

Jackson's departure leaves the Bears without much experience at receiver. Jackson, along with seniors Lavelle Hawkins and Robert Jordan, were Cal's top pass-catchers last season.

Junior LaReylle Cunningham is the only receiver left in the program who has caught a pass in a game. He has eight receptions.

Next season, the Bears probably will need immediate contributions from potential star Michael Calvin, who redshirted last season as a freshman; and redshirt freshman Jeremy Ross. Cal also could get a huge boost from Nyan Boateng, a transfer from Florida whose status on the team is up in the air after he ran into legal trouble last summer. Boateng, who had to sit out last season anyway because of NCAA transfer rules, was suspended from all team activities during the fall. Tedford said he will talk with Boateng about his status next week.

So think USC at the start of this season, except without the experience, and you have a pretty idea about what the possibly new starting quarterback will have to work with. And oh yeah, did I mention that the Bears have to replace the third-leading rusher in school history - Justin Forsett? The cupboard is looking decidedly bare around Berkeley these days?

How the hell did this happen? Needless to say, when your team collapses in what was supposed to be "their year", the head coach has to answer a lot of questions, and Jeff Tedford did make some changes, primarily bringing in former 49ers QB coach Frank Cignetti as the new offensive coordinator, and taking more of a hands-off role with the offense (including play-calling duties) so he can concentrate more on the overall team.

But is that enough? I remember just a few years ago, when Tedford's name was connected with all sorts of high-profile coaching positions (some even in the NFL). Now? He's reshuffling his staff and delegating duties to assistants in order to keep the fans and administration happy. I don't know how much longer this can go on: Cal desperately needs new facilities - their stadium has a giant crack running through it, for God's sake - and this has been a constant source of strife between Tedford and the school for years. Unfortunately, being 7-7 in games played in November or later the last three years doesn't exactly fire everyone up for the off-season.

As for upcoming seasons? Right now they are sixth in the PAC-10 in recruiting, and No. 34 in the country according to Scout.com. Of course, take that with a grain of salt, since that only includes signed commitments, and a lot of big names will wait until Signing Day (thus why USC is down at No. 19 nationally). But here's where to get worried: out of the Rivals.com Top 100, Cal has zero commitments and only one player (Cyrus Gray) even considering the school - and he is leaning towards Texas A&M. Meanwhile, USC has commitments or interest from 12 of the Top 100, while UCLA and Arizona St. have three each. Even Stanford has a verbal commitment from a Top 100 player.

So where does this leave Cal? Definitely at a crossroads. I have a feeling they could be looking at a sub-.500 this year, and that Jeff Tedford's hot seat might just become unbearable (no pun intended) before it's all said and done.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Flooding, Destruction of Cleveland Fulfills BCS Game Bet

COLUMBUS - Ohio Governor Ted Strickland appeared at the state Capitol today wearing a smile and an LSU Tigers jersey. He was there to make good on a pre-BCS Title Game bet with Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal by announcing Jan. 20th as the date for the destruction of Cleveland by a major flood from Lake Erie.

"When I first called Governor Jindal to make this bet, we agreed to each make a bet based on what our state is most famous for," Strickland said. "Looking back, agreeing to release millions of tons of water from the dams around Lake Erie and unleashing a murderous torrent onto the citizens of our largest city hardly seems like a fair trade against a gallon of Louisiana hot sauce. But, a bet is a bet, and hey, it's just football, right?"

The Governor then immediately began expressing his condolences to the tens of thousands of Cleveland residents who will lose loved ones, their homes and livelihoods in the pending disaster.

Sources say that Strickland called Jindal immediately after LSU's 38-24 victory over Ohio St. on Jan. 7 to offer his congratulations and to beg Governor Jindal to spare his city. Jindal reportedly responded by declining, saying that "I guess we won't be alone at the bottom of every national survey on people who are homeless, unemployed or committing crimes, now will we?"

Despite the fact that Cleveland will between submerged in three to five feet within three days, Strickland expressed confidence that the turn-around and recovery will be swift.

"Governor Jindal has pledged that he will let the boys from FEMA know about our problem, and that they will be up there just soon as they are done repairing New Orleans," Strickland said. "I'm sure we'll be seeing the first FEMA crews any day now."

The entire Ohio St. offensive line has volunteered to man all dams, in an attempt to stop any water flows resulting in the opening of all gates. However, Strickland dismissed the effort as "futile."

"We're talking millions of gallons of water, and frankly, these guys couldn't stop a blitzing linebacker, much less nature's destructive fury," Strickland said.

In concert with Strickland's announcement, the Cleveland Visitor & Convention Bureau also announced a new "The Parts of Cleveland That Aren't Underwater or Teeming With Rotting Corpses Rocks!" tourism campaign.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

A Tip for Aspiring Bloggers

Do not make the decision to host your blog on Blogger.com. Invariably, you will a) realize that Blogger isn't able to do some basic stuff (such as jump-cuts for long, individual posts), b) have a weird glitch come up with no explanation (such as why the AddThis buttons have mysteriously disappeared/decided to link to bad pages all of the sudden) and c) find no technical support other than telling you to post to a message board where maybe you won't get horrible advice.

Trust me kids, find another option...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:28 PM 0 comments  

Moss Accused of Running up the Score on Unidentified Female

BOSTON - In what critics are calling another example of the New England Patriots' arrogance and lack of respect for their opponents, star wide receiver Randy Moss was accused today of running up the score on an unidentified woman's face.

"All year, the Patriots have refused to back down, even when the game was well out of reach," said Fox NFL analyst Jay Glazer. "Sources tell me that this woman put up as good of a fight as a 110 lb. female could against a 200-plus pound athlete. But clearly, she was overmatched. The respectful thing for Randy Moss to do would be to stop punching her in the face, or at least bring in a back-up WR or even the punter to finish things out. By staying in until the end, not only did Randy Moss risk injury to his valuable hands, but he did something that was the ultimate in disrespect to this woman. Other than, you know, punching her in the face."

For his part, Moss insisted that he had done nothing wrong.

"I'm a professional athlete, and I've always been taught to finish what you start," Moss said. "I'm sure she understands that as well, and would say so if her mouth wasn't so swollen from me punching her in the face."

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick would not comment on Moss' situation, other than to say in his weekly press conference that there's "always room" for improvement in anything a player does, including punching women in the face.

Moss's opponent was unavailable for comment, as she was recovering from having been repeatedly punched in the face by someone twice her size.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:10 PM 0 comments  

Ken Norton Jr. Breaks Bruin Hearts Again

You know Ken Norton, Jr. All-American linebacker at UCLA. The only player in NFL history to play on three consecutive Super Bowl-winning teams. Wanted to coach at his alma mater after his playing career but was told by Karl Dorrell that there was no room on the staff, he decided to take a job with his former defensive coordinator Pete Carroll at USC. Is now the linebackers coach for the Trojans, a squad that makes it their mission to destroy UCLA offensive players on a yearly basis, almost like someone had something to prove or an axe to grind.

Well, Rick Neuheisel decided to try and make a "big splash" by convincing Norton to come back to UCLA in the same position. And, just like you would think would happen, Norton listened and waited long enough to get Bruins' hopes up, before driving a stake through their hearts by announcing that he's not leaving USC after all.

At least Norm Chow is now available after he received his pink slip from the Titans today. (I found it interesting to read about his firing in the LA Times one day after they said he wasn't a serious candidate at UCLA because he had "just signed a contract extension." Am I missing something here?) Bringing him back as offensive coordinator to compete against Carroll, whom he had a "frosty" relationship with, could be one way to needle USC a bit. Then again, Chow is under the perpetual notion that he's just one interview away from becoming a head coach somewhere, when in fact Chow Yun Fat has a better chance of becoming a head football coach than Norm Chow.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:16 PM 0 comments  

Rare photo of ugly female student shocks Arizona St. community

TEMPE, AZ - Arizona State University officials were scrambling on Tuesday to determine how an unattractive female student was able to be photographed at a recent basketball game - a photo which was then published by CNN/SI and has since rocked the school to its core.

"Arizona State University has a reputation that we need to uphold at all costs," said school President Dr. Michael Crow. "We've forged a singular image in the academic world - that of a place teeming with some of the hottest pieces of co-ed ass imaginable. When you think of Arizona State, you think of one thing only - some nubile 19 year-old with a tan, lithe body, with a snug T-shirt barely covering her supple yet firm breasts. We've worked too hard for to long at building this image to let some...well, let's just say Washington State-caliber student...ruin it for all of us."

The photo in question appeared in a CNN/SI online photo gallery called "College Superfans." Crow promised an immediate investigation into the situation, which he characterized as "extremely complex."

"First off, we need to find out how our PR and marketing team could let this happen," Crow said. "Our entire team of publicists is trained to spot any media camera from up to 200 yards away and immediately direct them towards the most attractive female students. Obviously, something went wrong there. And clearly, we'll have to review our security procedures at home game."

Starting in 1987, Arizona State has offered students who do not meet certain height, weight, cup size and "overall attractiveness" requirements special seating in a section called "The Cow Palace", located in a dark, hidden corner of the stadium or arena. In addition, all "Cow Palace" members are encouraged to wear complimentary masks depicting the current head coach of the sports team playing as a way to "encourage excitement and spirit among our genetically-challenged students."

"Clearly, this person snuck into the general student seating," Crow said. "Whether security thought she was some sort of malted ice cream salesperson, or if she intimidated them through the threat of bulk and force, it's hard to say."

Crow said the University would institute an immediate emergency plan aimed at raising its Overall Hotness Index level back to pre-incident levels. Measures include: an immediate sale on baby doll and cut-off T-shirts at the student bookstore; installation of free tanning booths and beauty salons outside of every on-campus building; contacting Playboy about a "Girls of Arizona State" spread as quickly as possible; and hiring of 10-12 additional Certified Bikini Inspectors to act as a last line of defense.

(Note: There was originally a picture of a female ASU student who, in my opinion, was not up to the usual hotness levels of most Sun Devil coeds (as evidenced below), at the beginning of this post. To placate a handful of Chubby Chasers who got all offended about it avoid hurting anyone's feelings, I took that photo down. Although if you go to the original CNN/SI photo section, I bet you can guess who it is...)

Arizona State co-eds who have met the school's Minimum
Hotness Requirement (MHR) for sitting within camera
range during sporting events indicate that they like kinky sex.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:58 AM 25 comments  

Others Things the Bulls Voted on Besides Benching Joakim Noah

If you didn't catch it yet, members of the Chicago Bulls voted unanimously to bench rookie Joakim Noah for Sunday's game against Atlanta Hawks following a confrontation with assistant coach Ron Adams. A few thoughts:

• It's good to see that his Bulls teammates hate Noah as much as the rest of the civilized world does. Who says that NBA players are out of touch with the rest of society? If we can all agree that Joakim Noah is about as hateable as Puppy Cancer, then maybe there is a chance for society at large.
  
• I can't believe that this the same Ron Adams who took over from semi-legend Boyd Grant at Fresno State and proceeded to run that program into the ground? It just doesn't seem possible that someone that incompetent as a head coach at a mid-major college could then go find job after job in the NBA. (It must be his steady, creepy pose.)
  
• Most importantly, the players get to vote on benching people now? I know that the Bulls have an interim head coach, so maybe he doesn't have quite the power that an actual head coach would have. But this just seems nuts to me. I know that a lot of teams have "kangaroo courts" that issues verdicts on disputes amongst players in order to keep things in-house. But voting on benching players?

Of course, then I was leaked information from a source deep inside the Bulls organization letting me know that the punishment of rookie players is not the only thing the Bulls voted on during that meeting:

• Bill requiring that equipment staff switch to environmentally-friendly laundry detergent passed, 10-5.
• Bill asking that Loul Deng's mother come by one night and cook up some "delicious Chinese food, like that Orange Chicken they have at Panda Express" passed, 14-1.
• Subsequent resolution recognizing that Loul Deng is in fact from the Sudan and not anywhere in Asia, despite what everyone continues to think, fails to pass committee.
• Bill stating that Lou Malnati's is a clearly superior pizza place to Giordano's passes, 8-7, after a contentious, 90-minute debate.
  
• Resolution presented by Mr. Wallace to make sure the new regime knows that it should be OK to wear headbands during games, especially if someone has done so their whole lives, passes 12-3.
• Motion to give 100 percent effort against the Hawks to prove to "that punk kid" that they don't need him failed unanimously.
• Bill authorizing the team to go to a strip club with lots of cash and several questionable hangers-on at 3 a.m. as a "team bonding" experience - WITHOUT JOAKIM NOAH! - to forget about that night's upcoming loss passes 14-0 (Kirk Hinrich abstains because he has to go to Bible Study or some shit like that.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:08 PM 0 comments  

YOUR FACE IS A LIVE BLOG: Chili Bowl PPV Broadcast

Forget the Patriots/Jags game. That's amateur hour. The real excitement is starting in a few minutes, as the first-ever broadcast of the final night of the 22nd annual Chili Bowl, the world's largest midget car race. The top drivers in the open-wheel world are part of the 270+ car contingent. Some NASCAR drivers are there too. Guys you might have heard of like Tony Stewart and Kasey Kahne (Stewart is in fact the defending champion).

I'll be here all night, drinking some MGDs and watching as we progress through the night from the "I" feature all the way through "A" main. Needless to say, we'll be here a while.

Do yourself a favor and don't have the NFL shoved down your throat! Order the Chili Bowl on your PPV (you have another half-hour before the broadcast proper starts) and come back here and comment as I blog.
Pre-race - And you're looking live at Tulsa, Oklahoma! Man, that's a lot of people on the telecast. Glad to see that they have actual open wheel guys doing the broadcast. The "Prelude to the Dream" was great, but having the usual Fox NASCAR guys doing the call was a mixed bag - yeah, fans know who they are, and they know the drivers. But they needed someone with short track experience.

If you are curious, here is the line-up for tonight's racing: twin C mains, a B main and then the final A main. Here is who is locked into the various races based on the results of the past week of racing.

I know he is only 16, but somebody needs to Cole Witt how to put some bend into the bill of his cap when he does an interview. When you look like Opie Cunningham to begin with, the dorky, straight bill isn't a big help.

And I doubt he "waved" at Tony Stewart when he passed him for the final transfer spot. Although Tony might have "waved" his middle finger at Cole.

If anyone is curious, Tony Stewart can take a provisional as the defending champion if he doesn't qualify through the preliminary races tonight.

The first C main (like every race from here on out) is stacked. I'm very happy to see Randy "The Hurricane" Hannigan starting fourth - he's a racer from Northern California that I've watched a good portion of my life going to races in the Central Valley. I think of him as more of a sprint car guy, so it's good to see him doing well here.

The driver of "local" interest to me in the other C is Stan Yockey. That actually shocks me a little bit - he's been getting better racing in California in sprint cars, but this is a huge step up in class, and even making it to the C-main is a big achievement.

In case you are curious, here's Yockey getting slammed into at a race in Central California by Ronnie Day at the end of last season, suffering wrist and arm injuries. These guys are tough.

It's now 40 minutes into the broadcast, and still no racing yet. I know there were a lot of highlights to get through, but this is getting ridiculous.

Finally, racing...

C-Main No. 1: First race, first corner...and first flip. Welcome the short track racing on dirt.

Way to miss the crash with two of the five guys in transfer spots, because you're interviewing Crusty French Grimes. Especially since they were the two guys you were spending all of the first part of the race highlighting AND that you had your two in-car cameras in. This does not bode well for the coverage.

Also: Crash Gladys looks about as hot as the Tulsa Hooters Girls - 6 out of 10.

UPDATE: So Kruseman jumped the start and got shuffled to the back? Nice that Shane Stewart had to tell us this instead of one of the 28 people on the coverage team...

C-Main No. 2: And the coverage madness continues. Here's a hint: Joey Saldana is in the yellow Kasey Kahne team car. How hard is this to figure out? My favorite moment: "It might be Ricky Stenhouse Jr. - we'll have to get a better shot to see." This is said as we have a close-up shot of the car from head-on, where you can see "Stenhouse Jr." on the top.

Why the hell was McCarl racing so hard for the lead when he and Jones both had a transfer? Odd.

On the the B-main. So pumped to see Ron Shuman racing again.

B-Main No. 1: Shoe! Shoe! Shoe! They need to be making more of this - Ron Shuman hasn't raced in 10 years, and he's in the A-main. And Buckwalter got totally plowed into - again, thanks to the coverage team for not picking that up until after the fact.

And having seen him at the Oval Nationals in December...Brady Bacon is going to be good...real good.

B-Main No. 2: Brad Sweet got screwed. Pure and simple. And how can they not know who transfered out of the first B-main still? Amateur hour...

Pre A-Main BS: I think heading to the hammered fans in the cheap seats wasn't the best idea. Although why am I not surprised that the fat chick is a big fan of Brady Bacon?

A-Main: Ugh. You hate to see a kid's first Chili Bowl end before it even starts. But like they said on the broadcast, that can happen to anyone. Hell, I saw it happen to Dave Darland at the Oval Nationals this year - except he snap-rolled about five or six times instead of just hitting the wall.

My pick to win? Brad Kunz.

...and that didn't last long. Stupid Terry McCarl...no wonder they all hate him in Knoxville.

I can't express how happy I was to see Damion Gardner win. Beyond the fact that he's a Southern California guy, he's one of the most exciting drivers I've seen in a long time. Which is precisely why I didn't think he would win. Usually, his "excitement" leads to one big screw-up, and with 50 laps and a lot of traffic, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And I almost got it, too. His bicycle on that one restart was about as close as you can get to flip a car without actually doing it. That was his race-ending mistake...but somehow, he saved the car and kept going. Then things broke his way: the track never slicked off, he got enough yellow flags to stay out of traffic (where bad things usually happen to overly aggressive drivers) and Dave Darland held up Shane Cottle (who I think would have caught Damion and made it very interesting if he could have passed Darland for second).

So, that's the end of the 2008 Chili Bowl. I hope that anyone who was watching it tonight enjoyed it. And if this was your first time watching a short-track, open wheel race, I hope you liked it enough to visit your local track once the season starts and check it out live - TV is great, but like hockey, it really is a different experience in person.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:26 PM 2 comments