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Showing posts with label steroids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label steroids. Show all posts

Mar 14, 2008

David Boston definitely not flying to New Zealand to buy party pills

TAMPA BAY, FL - Former Pro Bowl wide receiver David Boston said on Friday that his last-minute trip to New Zealand "absolutely, 100 percent no way" had anything to do with the country's upcoming ban on so-called legal "party pills" that have similar side effects to uppers, ecstasy and other recreational drugs that are currently illegal in the US.

Boston, who has had a checkered past with both performance-enhancing and recreational drug use during his playing career, told reporters that his trip was purely sightseeing in nature.

"I mean, I read that story on the Web the other day, but that had nothing to do with this trip," Boston said. "It just reminded me how much I've always wanted to go to New Zealand, so I decided to buy a plane ticket that night for this weekend."

When asked why he booked the trip so soon, Boston replied that he wanted to go now "while the political situation appears to be OK. Man, you never know when things can get crazy in those African countries!"

Boston said that his wife and two children would not be joining him for the trip, in part because he was only going to be in New Zealand less than 24 hours, and in part because he heard that the country was filled with "orcs, Hobbits, giant talking trees and other things that would probably scare the living shit out of my family. But I'm willing to risk it so that I can...umm...see the sights of New Zealand."

Boston stopped the interview with reporters short, saying that he needed to go home and prepare for the trip by "finding out where the pharmacies are in New Zealand" and "deciding which suitcases have the most hidden compartments."

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Mar 13, 2008

Brian Roberts, 100 Percent All-Natural Guy

See, Brian Roberts really did just use steroids that one time, but he learned his lesson and isn't going to ever, ever do it again. I mean, the guy is eating nothing but organic foods. He can't be a steroid cheat, right? Right?!?

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Jan 18, 2008

Finally! The Feds Got Dana Stubblefield

Folks, our national nightmare is over. The Federal Government finally brought the big hammer down on the BALCO investigation, and in the face of overwhelming evidence, we have a guilty plea. !

What, you didn't think I was talking about Barry Bonds, did you? Get serious - that case is going to be tied up in courts for so long that by the time they get to trial, it will be heard by Judge Dredd. No, I'm talking about former NFL lineman Dana Stubblefield, who today pleaded guilty to one count of lying to federal agents about his use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs during the BALCO investigation, including "The Clear" (who I think is going to be playing the Coachella festival on the second stage this year - great band).

But the punishment is going to be steep - up to five year in prison. Except for the fact "based on sentencing guidelines and other cases, Stubblefield is likely to receive anywhere from no jail time to six months."

This all reminds me that somehow, Dana Stubblefield was the Defensive Player of the Year in 1997. Looking back, isn't that one of the flukiest things ever (or a statement on how little importance to put on the Defensive Player of the Year award)? But if we can't believe in Dana Stubblefield, who can we believe in? Dan Wilkerson? Bryant Young?

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Dec 19, 2007

Old Video Casts Doubt on Clemens' Claim to Have Never Taken Drugs

Roger Clemens has claimed that he never took any "banned substances at any time in my baseball career or, in fact, my entire life," but after an exhaustive search, I have uncovered long-buried evidence that Clemens obviously must have used massive amounts of drugs during his early playing days. Let me present to you Exhibit A:



Clearly, you would need to have broken into Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's satchel of medicinal supplements in order to agree to do something like that. Or, the director walked in on you getting "injected in the butt" in the clubhouse one day, and used this as blackmail to get you to agree to do said video.

Either way, I think this is proof that is just as conclusive as anything in The Mitchell Report. And if you think that using performance-enhancing bathing products isn't serious, just remember Ironhead Hayward (RIP):

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Dec 13, 2007

The All-Mitchell Report Teams

Since the release of The Mitchell Report earlier today, several stories have mentioned that you could "create an All-Star team from the names on the list". Usually, that's a lot of hyperbole, but with some 80 names on the list, I decided to give it a shot. In doing the research, I found that you could create not just one but two RBI Baseball style rosters based on the names released today: one for Current Players and one for Former Players. And they'd be pretty decent, too - at least in their primes (you know, before the mysterious, complete drop-off in production and serious of nagging injuries).

CURRENT PLAYERS

C Paul LoDuca
1B Jason Giambi
2B Brian Roberts
SS Miguel Tejada
3B Troy Glaus
OF Gary Sheffield
OF Barry Bonds
OF Gary Matthews Jr.
DH Jack Cust
BENCH Jose Guillen
BENCH Greg Zaun
BENCH Jerry Hairston
BENCH Jay Gibbons
SP Roger Clemens
SP Andy Pettitte
RP Mike Stanton
RP Eric Gagne

Comments: Going by performance at their peak, this is a frightening group. The bench is a little weak, but I'd be surprised if you subbed anyone out if this was an RBI Baseball team - even for the 64-point power increase (video game steroids?). For some reason I was as surprised and disappointed to see Mike Stanton on the list - I didn't think that "crafty lefties" needed steroids to throw off-speed junk for one inning a night.

FORMER PLAYERS

C Benito Santiago
1B Mo Vaughn
2B Fernando Vina
SS Chuck Knobloch
3B Ken Caminiti
OF Lenny Dykstra
OF Jose Canseco
OF David Justice
DH Rafael Palmeiro
BENCH Matt Williams
BENCH Todd Hundley
BENCH Hal Morris
BENCH Rondell White
SP Kevin Brown
SP Denny Neagle
RP Kent Mercker
RP John Rocker

Comments: There were a couple of tough calls here. Todd Hundley, for about a two-year stretch, had a peak greater than Benito Santiago's (in fact, about as good as any catcher ever - big shock). But I decided that Benny gets the nod, based on longevity and also his Edward James Olmos-like skin (give the guy a break). I also had a tough time at 3B - Matt Williams had some great years, but Ken Caminiti was a former MVP. And is dead. It's tough to argue that. This is also a very solid team, but the relief staff is a mess - I guess quality relievers didn't understand the value of steroids and the quick recovery time associated with them until recently.

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The Mitchell Report Afterglow: Is This It?

Now that I've had a few hours to digest everything, here's my thought on The Mitchell Report:

Meh.

I think that Tim Kawakami of the San Jose Mercury News hit it right on the head: this was just enough juicy meat (Roger Clemens! Andy Pettitte! Miguel Tejada!) to keep the media satisfied, without actually addressing any of the big picture problems or assigning real blame (or consequences) for transgressions in the past all the way up the baseball food chain.

Mitchell's expressed belief that MLB should not punish people named in the report for past actions? Sound similar to Mark McGwire's "I'm not here to talk about the past, I'm here to focus on the positives in baseball" disaster in front of Congress? Probably not, because George Mitchell is a skilled politician and public speaker, used to saying a lot without saying much at all. Mark McGwire, on the other hand, is a lunkhead.

(Of course, Mitchell left the door open for punishing players if their actions were particularly offensive and therefore punishing them was, as the Commissioner would see fit, "in the best interests of baseball". More on this loophole in a second.)

So if we're not going to punish people based on the report, what's the point of naming names? If the idea is to catalog what happened merely as a way to develop plans moving forward, why are there 80 people who have been publicly linked to steroid and other substances, when referring to them as Player X would have served the same purpose?

Because the public and the media don't want that - we all want fresh meat. We've picked apart Barry Bonds' carcass to the point that all we have left is marrow. We're sick of talking about him, but who else could we publicly call a user and a cheat? A few journeymen and average players? Not good enough. The public needed a few new "faces" of the steroid era who could receive a show trial and be summarily hung out to dry.

And the proof: the meat of the report? Anyone looking for smoking guns should look elsewhere. There are some exceptions where there is pretty convincing, hard physical evidence linking someone to steroid purchases (it amazes me that athletes - or anyone - would purchase something illegal and shady with a check that has their name right on it. Can't they find a way to pull out cash from the bank? They might as well just put "For: HGH supplies" in the Memo section of the check.)

But for the big two - Clemens and Pettitte - as well as a majority of the players mentioned? A lot of hearsay and unsubstantiated testimony from witnesses/accusers with less-than-perfect reputations. In what should be a surprise to no one, Clemens' lawyer has already released a statement on behalf of his client, saying that Clemens:

...vehemently denies allegations in the Mitchell report that he used performance-enhancing steroids, and is outraged that his name is included in the report based on the uncorroborated allegations of a troubled man threatened with federal criminal prosecution.


And this is going to be the pattern you see time after time in the next few days: athlete expresses anger/sadness/disappointment that his name was released with this report based on baseless/unfounded/uncorroborated charges leveled by someone with a vendetta/a known criminal/a desperate former teammate facing a lifetime ban. And it will be hard to really argue, even if you know they are lying: most of these allegations wouldn't hold up in a criminal or civil court. Hell, the majority are so flimsy that a newspaper editor wouldn't run a story based just on them if the reporting was done by their writers.

But because "it's in The Mitchell Report", it's all going to be reported by every media outlet, with little context or additional reporting happening. The sad part is that there are nuggets of new information in the report, mainly about how team officials routinely either a) turned a blind eye or b) acknowledged steroid allegations or use when scouting players for potential trades. But interestingly, The Mitchell Report doesn't index each team or baseball front office executive is implicated in the report like it does for the players, so you probably won't be hearing as much about this.

(But, in order to drive home the point that Bud Selig - Mitchell's good friend and "boss" - was doing all he could to stop steroids and investigate wrong-doing despite the despotic and evil players union, the report does contain a letter the Union sent to its players urging them not to talk to the Mitchell Report committee without lawyers. Because the Union would rather direct it's workforce of minimally educated players talk with former Senators and investigators by themselves and "hope for the best!" Yeah, doesn't make sense to me, either.)

So what now? The Big Three - Clemens, Pettitte, Tejada - will be left out in stocks in the town square for the rest of the winter. If they survive, and the public has forgotten about them and moved on to some new sports scandal de jour, then Commissioner Selig will quietly let them go and heed the words of Senator Mitchell to let bygones be bygones. If the public is still baying for blood, however, then suddenly MLB will decide it's "in the best interest of baseball" to make examples of them by giving them lengthy suspensions/banning them from baseball/banning them from the Hall of Fame. Which would be insane, since the all-time HR king is currently awaiting a Federal trial on steroid related charges, with a mountain of evidence that's a lot more solid than what The Big Three have against them. And he's still going to play next season.

So I hope everyone enjoyed things today - the goofy "lists" being passed off as fact beforehand (again, Rich Garces wasn't a giveaway?), the build-up of the press conference followed by Senator NyQuil's insomnia-curing speech, the hours of post-announcement hand-wringing. At the end of the day, we're basically back where we started.

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The Mitchell Report list

So remember that Internet list that I linked to earlier today? Turns it is was about 50 percent garbage. The Mitchell Report is out, and here's the actual list of players named.

I'll post more later once I have time to digest things. But let me just say this.

Jack Cust? NOOOO!!!

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T-minus one hour to The Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report is set to get dropped in one hour, and when it does BASEBALL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!! Unless the list mainly contains players that everyone pretty much knew were doing something. There is a preliminary list floating around the Internet right now. I'm not going to post it here, because I refuse to get caught up in idle speculation and rumor-mongering.

However, if you are interested, Deadspin has the list up right now. Needless to say, the inclusion of Rich Garces on the list is making me skeptical. Somehow, unless "El Guapo" saw a pile of piles at Gabe Kapler's locker room and thought they were M&Ms, I doubt he's had a "personal trainer" give him anything to help him with his "workouts".

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Dec 12, 2007

Tejada Traded, Mitchell Report Out Tomorrow - Coincidence?

Fact #1: The Orioles trade former MVP Miguel Tejada to the Astros for five marginal players and a giant box of Junior Mints.

Fact #2: Rafael Palmeiro blamed Tejada for his positive steroid test in 2005, causing lots of speculation about how Tejada became a power-hitting shortstop.

Fact #3: The Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball is being released tomorrow, and "big names" are expected to be named.

I'm not suggesting any link between the three facts. Unless, of course, Miguel Tejada's name is on the Mitchell Report list, in which case I did.

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Nov 15, 2007

Breaking News: Bonds Provides Nation with Collective Moment of Schadenfreude

If you haven't heard yet, Barry Bonds has been indicted by a federal grand jury on perjury and obstruction of justice charges. If convicted, he could face up to 30 years in jail.

I haven't had time to digest this yet, so bear with me before I give you my ill-informed hard-hitting opinions on everything. Although I would like to point out that I find it interesting that President Bush issued a statement that he was "very disappointed to hear this". This from the same guy whose Texas Rangers, while he was managing partner, traded for Jose Canseco, and also had Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro on the roster.

Mainly this is friendly warning to avoid ESPN for at least the next 48 hours as I'm sure they are on "BREAKING NEWS RED ALERT CRITICAL MASS" level with their coverage right about now.

Note: Maybe Bonds should take a closer look at that contract offer from the Washington Wild Things of the independent Frontier League. It might be as good as it gets next season.

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