2008 Handicapabling Challenge: Week 4

We're a week behind in doling out the punishment in the 2008 Handicapabling Challenge. That is to say, McLane needs to eat his cesos taco. So what do we do this week? How about the loser drinking a nice, full shot of Siracha hot sauce? What better way to wash down some tasty brains, right McLane?

Now, on to the Week 4 picks...

MCLANE:

Ohio +12 vs NORTHWESTERN

Seems like a hell of a lot of points. Right? Who's with me? Anyone?

Arizona -3 vs UCLA

UCLA reached a new low last week. Tuitama won't pass for 19 touchdown or whatever it was the kid (or should I say man? He's probably 42) from BYU threw for last week, but the Wildcats will come away with a win by a couple of touchdowns.

LSU -3 vs AUBURN

Final score prediction: 8-2.

Florida -7 vs TENNESSEE

The Fatty Philip Fulmer Farewell Tour continues. Urban Meyer OWNS that fat tub of goo.

ARIZONA STATE +7 vs Georgia

The Devils gave new definition to the term crap the bed last week against UNLV but it may have been the best thing that could have happened going into this game. Erickson will have his team prepared, Tempe will be rocking, and Rudy Carpenter won't suck quite as much as he usually does.

Who am I kidding? It's a homer pick, through and through.

THE DUKE:

Central Michigan +10.5 @ PURDUE

LeFevour Power, baby! A moderately high profile Big 10 team is due to get knocked out by a MAC team this season. It's going to happen here.

ARKANSAS +9 vs. Alabama

I sense a very, very low scoring game. Not quite an Auburn game, but enough that nine points is an awful lot to ask Alabama to cover on the road.

UCLA +3 vs. Arizona

UCLA is a better home team against the spread the last few seasons than you would think. And Arizona is god awful on the road under Mike Stoops. Just the type of game the Bruins win to get their fans worked up before another crushing loss.

Georgia -7 @ ARIZONA STATE

Yeah McLane, that's a homer pick. This line is way off - it should be at least a double digit spread. If this was a day game in the usual Arizona 150 degree heat, maybe the Sun Devils would have a chance.

TOLEDO +7 vs. Fresno State

After being their BCS dreams get busted against Wisconsin, do you think the Bulldogs are excited about going on the road to take on the Rockets? The start of another long, painful slide for a Pat Hill team after almost knocking off a big ticket school.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM 0 comments  

Handicapabiling Challenge: McLane drinks an egg

091108_2044[00] [High quality and size]
by fightonusc

For the record, I would have thrown up before the egg even touched my lips. McLane is a much stronger man than I am.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:07 AM 1 comments  

I give up on the Coliseum

I've been going to USC football games at the Coliseum for 15 years now, and I've defending the stadium to anyone and everyone who will listen.

"Sure, it could use some work, but it's a great stadium. The sight lines are great, and you have such history. Yeah, it could use some sprucing up, but that's what makes it so charming."

But after going to the USC/Ohio State game on Saturday with my wife and daughter, I'm officially giving up on the place. It's time to take the blinders off and realize that I can't defend it anymore - it's a horrible stadium that is in danger of completely falling apart. Not only is it inconvenient and creaky, it's physically dangerous.

(I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest. I feel like Betty from Mad Men, telling Don to leave and don't come home. Excuse me while I put on a party dress and drink a bottle of Wild Turkey.)

First, it's a nightmare getting to your seats. As I heard from dozens of Ohio State fans, "Couldn't they build some escalators to get to the upper seats?" And there are a few, but not nearly enough. Keep in mind these were Ohio State fans we're talking about, with their rigorous Midwestern workout and eating regiments, so take their complaints about physical exhortation at face value.

Then there's the concesison stands. The one I went to didn't take credit card. How is this possible in 2008? And I should point out that the nearest ATM was about a third of the way around the stadium - and not working.

The bathrooms were a nightmare. Basically, in my section, there Blogger: Your Face is a Sports Blog - Create Postis one restroom for men, with two doors - one clearly marked entrance and the other clearly marked exit. But because the line to wait was so huge, people were going in the exit side. Which kind of made sense in one way - the bathrooms are so poorly laid out, that if you come in the regular way, you don't realize there's a whole section of urinals further down no one is using, because you're afraid if you walk past the first section, you'll lose your place.

The problem is that with everyone coming in the wrong way, it makes it impossible to exit. I literally stood in line five minutes to get into the restroom, and at least 10 coming out. Good thing it was an ABC Extend-O-Rama Halftime or else I would have missed the start of the third quarter.

But the real problem is the stadium itself. Nothing sums up how bad things have become more than this story from near the end of the second quarter of the game. My wife is fiddling under her seat to get some food out for our 14-month-old daughter. As she looks behind the seat, she sees a giant Black Widow spider about halfway up the seat. And in case you think there's some over-dramatization taking place here, it was 100 percent a Black Widow - red hourglass spot n the back and everything.

My wife is the strongest person I know, but she hates bugs. (And her dad is an exterminator - go to town on that one, Freud.) So she takes off out of the seats and into the walkway above (our seats were the top row of the first level, so the walkway between levels was directly above us - in fact, the spider had crawled out of a crack in that wall). I'm there standing up holding my baby, which doesn't put me in a great position to do anything.

Some guy a few seats over tried to kill it with his keys, but it crawled into the wall before he could get it. He tried to stuff napkins into the hole to keep it from coming back out. Needless to say, this was not a soilid enough solution for my wife.

Security was called, maintenance reports were filed...it was a mess. We were told that to switch seats, we would have to walk to the ticket office at the other end of the stadium and go through a huge process. The crisis was "solved" when the spider came back out, and our neighbor was able to smasj it with his keys.

But still, Black Widow spiders? Seriously? LIke I said, that's the last straw for me. It's time to do something massive to renovate the place. Or, do it the Mafia way - torch the place and collect the insurance money. If they need it, I know a guy who can do some stuff for them, if you know what I mean.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:07 AM 0 comments  

Handicapabiling Challenge Week 3 Picks

Well, we're each 1-1. McLane had to drink a raw egg last night. I have video of it that I'll post later today. It's outstanding.

So what's at stake this week? Loser has to eat a sesos taco. We're talking about a cow brain taco here. Not only is it gross, but the loser is running the real possibility of getting mad cow disease. Good times!

As usual, McLane's picks first, followed by mine:

* * *
McLane

Navy +1-1/2 at DUKE

Duke may have gained a coach who knows what the hell he is doing (at least sort of,) but the Midshipmen will still take care of business with not the double, but the TRIPLE (run for the hills!) option.

Iowa State +14-1/2 vs Iowa

The Hawkeyes are good at two things: getting arrested and losing to Chizik's Cyclones. As usual, they'll have more talent this year, but Kirk Ferentz has completely lost it and his team doesn't stand a chance of covering.

East Carolina -13 at TULANE

I got off the Pirate bandwagon last week and it cost me dearly. Never again. Bless me Skip Holtz, for I have sinned. I'm hopping right back on and hoping their defense does the same thing to the Green Wave that it did to Pat White and Noel Devine, eg/ie/fuck you: embarrassment.

Georgia -7-1/2 at SOUTH CAROLINA

Steve Spurrier is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo.

ARIZONA STATE -23 vs UNLV

Grandmama, the Plastic Man and Greg Anthony can suit up for the Runnin' Rebs' and it won't be enough to compete with the Devils and their complete and utter douchebag quarterback, Rudy Carpenter. I hate you, Rudy. I hate you.

***
The Duke

Kansas +3.5 at SOUTH FLORIDA

I have little to now faith that South Florida is anything other than a one-season fluke. Plus, there's a very real chance that Mark Mangino might eat Jim Leavitt before the game. Because he's fat.

MARYLAND +14.5 vs. California

A bit of a reach here. Yeah, I know that Maryland stinks. But Cal has a history of going on the road and falling apart against non-conference opponents. Plus, they can't possibly score 66 points again, right?

BYU -7.5 vs. UCLA

If it wasn't for the fact that a) BYU was the beneficiary of one of the worst decisions in PAC-10 officiating history (and that's saying a lot) and a lot of people think they should have lost that game, and b) UCLA was the beneficiary of one of the worst collapses in Tennesse football history (again, that's saying a lot), this spread would be at least two touchdowns. And if BYU is going to seemingly play five or six PAC-10 teams a year, why not just go ahead and make them a conference member?

Wisconsin -2.5 at FRESNO STATE

I know the Bulldogs. I've seen the Bulldogs. And I know that this is exactly the type of game where they come out and lay a giant egg on national TV. When expectations are highest, they perform the worst. If people thought that they had no chance against the Badgers, they'd probably win by 20. But since this is such a trendy "upset" pick that it's not really an upset anymore, they'll fall apart.

Ohio State (+11.5) at USC

Do I think that the Buckeyes are going to win this game? Absolutely not. But even with Beanie Wells "out" (using the biggest air quotes I can muster), will Ohio State make this competitive. Absolultely. Good teams have bad weeks, which is exactly what the Buckeyes had against Ohio last week. Meanwhile, I've learned nothing from USC's drubbing of Virginia other than how lousy Virginia is.

This will be a game until the fourth quarter, when USC scored a late TD to ice it.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:00 AM 1 comments  

Titans Install LoJack Device on Vince Young

NASHVILLE - The Tennessee Titans today announced that they had installed a LoJack system on starting QB Vince Young, two days after after a disturbing incident where he went missing for four hours without informing the team or his Mom of his whereabouts.

"We think it's for everyone's best interest, including Vince's, that we know where he is at all times," said Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "Nashville isn't New York or LA, but it's a big, dangerous city and there's a lot of trouble out there. We can't watch over him all the time, as much as we would like to."

Although usually used for tracking and recovering stolen cars, the Titans said they commissioned LoJack to develop a special, nanotechnology version of the device implanted directly under Young's skin. The team said they had installed the LoJack on Tuesday, using the ruse of "blood work before the MRI" on Young's injured right knee as cover.

"He didn't seem to question the fact that he said we were drawing blood, but injecting something instead of drawing blood out," said Fisher. "But then again, you know Vince...I guess that goes to show why we can't have him running around outside by himself."

Fisher said that the team usually requires that Young's family use child locks to prevent him from getting outside at night, but an uncle had left the backdoor unlocked. Young also apparently, when becoming hungry during his journey outside, ate the note pinned to his shirt telling people to call the Titans if he was found.

A team of professionals will monitor Young's whereabouts 24 hours a day, using a beta version of Google Maps to pinpoint his precise location. Fisher said that the LoJack and Google Maps system was set up to go into "Red Alert" if it detects that Young has removed his shirt within 500 feet of a bar or club.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:40 AM 0 comments  

Handicapabiling Challenge Week 1: Tequila Stuntman

I lost badly in the Handicapabiling Challenge in Week 1, so this is the price I have to pay.



God damn, do I hate you, McLane...have fun drinking that raw egg, though.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:34 PM 2 comments  

2008 Handicapabiling Challenge: Week 2 Picks

Yes, I went 1-4 last week while McLane went 4-1. Which means that I'm on the hook for a "Stuntman" tequila shot. And no, I haven't done it yet. The long answer is that I've been sick for most of the week with a sinus infection, and I didn't think that anything involving snorting salt would be a great idea. The shorter, more accurate answer, is that I'm a giant wimp.

But I am a wimp of my word, and now that I'm feeling better, it will happen (and video will be posted) this weekend. As for Week 2, the side bet: loser drinks a whole raw egg, Rocky-style.

First, the reigning champ's picks:

ARIZONA -23 vs. Toledo

Wildcats vs Mudhens. I'll take the one with the big ol' fangs and sharp claws that likes to score 70 points on teams traveling across the country.

ARIZONA STATE -14 vs. Stanford

Trap game my ass. The Devils have been impressive at home since Erickson took over, and hotshot Harbaugh will be their next victim. Besides, the Cardinals only play well on the road when in Los Angeles. Whoops...

West Virginia -7 1/2 vs. EAST CAROLINA

Skip Holtz is the toast of the proverbial town at the moment, and while his team is certainly up and coming, West Virginia has too many weapons for them to handle. Pat White...he's good.

California -13 1/2 vs WASHINGTON STATE

Christ, I'm picking all favorites and now two of them are on the road. While the only thing the Cougars are good at is getting arrested, I have a feeling this week is not going to end well for me.

Houston +16 vs OKLAHOMA STATE

The 40-year old man's defense is suspect. Houston won't be winning this one but they'll at least make T. Boone Pickens's ass twitch.

And now for The Duke:

Louisiana Tech +20.5 vs KANSAS

I'm more impressed with Lousiana Tech beating a bowl team last week (Mississippi St.) than I am with Kansas blowing out a God-awful team (Florida Atlantic). Don't sleep on the Bulldogs! Plus, I'm guess Mark Mangino spent most of the week in a meat-related coma after eating about 100 kajillion pounds of hot dogs, hamburgers, and gristle from the grill and countless barbeques over Labor Day weekend, so I suspect the Jayhawks won't be as prepared as usual.

California -13.5 vs. WASHINGTON STATE

Cal can't play defense worth a lick, but at least they can score a bunch of points, which is more than I can say for Washington State this season. The Golden Bears aren't as great as their fans think they are, but the Cougars are the worst team in the conference, and there is no way they can score enough points to make this interesting. If this game was at Pullman in November, I'd feel differently.

GEORGIA -23.5 vs. Central Michigan

The Bulldogs fell out of the No. 1 spot last week because they only won their opening game by 24. Do you think they are going to settle for anything less than crushing their next opponent by 50 or more? I feel sorry for the poor Chippewas.

Texas A&M -2.5 vs. NEW MEXICO

Yes, I'm betting on a team that just lost to Arkansas St. At home. And that is coached by Mike Sherman. But New Mexico also looked lousy against TCU. And Texas A&M needs this game...badly. I just don't see them laying a total egg two weeks in a row.

Texas Tech -10.5 vs. NEVADA

Yes, the Wolf Pack are a pretty impressive team, and one of the few squads that could probably trade points with the Red Raiders and survive. But this spread is all wrong to me. Mike Leach is going to be pissed that Tech "only" scored 49 last week against Eastern Washington, and be out for blood (and to pad some individual stats). What I really want to do is take the over on this one: the line is set at 66, but I think 100 would be a more realistic benchmark.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:11 PM 0 comments  

MLB to require all players to speak English; league to contract to 8 teams

NEW YORK - Following the lead of the LPGA, Major League Baseball announced today that all players must speak English by the start of the 2009 season or be banned from playing. In a related story, it was also announced that due to an expected lack of eligible players, the league would be contracting to eight teams for the 2009 season.

"It's really hampered us that some of our star athletes can't fully participate in marketing baseball here in the U.S. because they don't speak English," said Commissioner Bud Selig at a press conference. "This move addresses that fact. Unfortunately, the only way to address that fact was to eliminate 75 percent of our workforce."

To ensure a high level of play, the Commissioner's Office decided to contract teams rather than calling up the remaining American minor leaguers, lumping together teams from similar geographic regions. Joe Torre, manager of the soon-to-be-called San Angeles Padgers of Anaheim, expressed concern over the plan.

"It doesn't seem fair to be that a kid should have his livelihood taken away just because he can't speak English," Torre said. "I mean, look at Manny Ramirez - just because he grew up in the Dominican and only speaks Spanish, that doesn't mean the fans shouldn't get to see him play."

Torre refused to believe reporters who informed him that Ramirez in fact speaks English and grew up in New York.

Current and former players had differing reactions to the decision. Former Braves closer John Rocker applauded the decision. Meanwhile, Oaklansico Marin-A's star Ichiro Suzuki immediately fired his interpreter, and went on a lengthy tour of radio and TV shows, speaking in eloquent English about ihs feelings on the matter.

Selig said he has hired bilingual lip readers to work with replay officials in New York, and they have permission to indefinitely suspend anyone suspected of speaking a foreign language in the dugout or during a meeting on the mound.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:00 PM 0 comments  

2008 Handicapabling Challenge Week 1

Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.

But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.

So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.

First, my picks:

- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas

I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.

- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon

That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.

- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers

Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.

- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA

I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.

- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama

I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.

And now, presenting the picks for McLane:

I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.

God bless college football.

- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech

I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.

-Alabama +4 1/2 @ Clemson

Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.

This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.

-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA

Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.

-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.

This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.

The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM 1 comments  

Bolt Breaks Long Jump World Record Just For Fun

BEIJING - Hot off of winning the Olympic 100 and 200 meter events, Jamaican Usain Bolt claimed another gold medal today by setting a new World Record in the long jump. His jump of 29' 10 inches broke Mike Powell's 27 year-old record by 5.5 inches, stunning observers, officials and jumpers who didn't even know Bolt was in the competition.

After the race, Bolt said he was hanging out in the infield watching some friends compete in other events, when he noticed a break between rounds in the long jump final.

"I thought, why not, wouldn't it be funny if I ran down there and tried it," he said. "I've never tried the long jump before, but I guess they're saying that I had a pretty good jump."

Officials were stunned by Bolt's jump, and initially refused to measure it until they realized it was near world record length. They later allowed the jump to count, despite Bolt not being entered in the competition or having qualified through the preliminaries, because "well, it's hard to deny the guy when he broke the world record."

US Track & Field officials saw their protest of the leap denied, leaving Trevell Quinley out of the medal race. Officials based their appeal on the lack of paperwork, the fact that he was still wearing his warm-up jacket and pants with sneakers, and that "it's totally unfair that he's hogging all the Gold medals."

Olympic great Carl Lewis has one of a handful of observers who praised Bolt's abilities, but questioned his showboating antics during his jump.

"I find it disrespectful that he decided to spread his arms and make noises like he was an airplane while he did his jump," Lewis said. "That denegrates all the hard work long jumpers put into their event. That, and the fact that he set a world record having never done it before."

For his part, Bolt said he was done with competitions after the 4 x 100 relay, "unless I can get into that marathon thing on Saturday. How hard could that be?"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:54 PM 6 comments