I give up on the Coliseum

I've been going to USC football games at the Coliseum for 15 years now, and I've defending the stadium to anyone and everyone who will listen.

"Sure, it could use some work, but it's a great stadium. The sight lines are great, and you have such history. Yeah, it could use some sprucing up, but that's what makes it so charming."

But after going to the USC/Ohio State game on Saturday with my wife and daughter, I'm officially giving up on the place. It's time to take the blinders off and realize that I can't defend it anymore - it's a horrible stadium that is in danger of completely falling apart. Not only is it inconvenient and creaky, it's physically dangerous.

(I feel so much better having gotten that off my chest. I feel like Betty from Mad Men, telling Don to leave and don't come home. Excuse me while I put on a party dress and drink a bottle of Wild Turkey.)

First, it's a nightmare getting to your seats. As I heard from dozens of Ohio State fans, "Couldn't they build some escalators to get to the upper seats?" And there are a few, but not nearly enough. Keep in mind these were Ohio State fans we're talking about, with their rigorous Midwestern workout and eating regiments, so take their complaints about physical exhortation at face value.

Then there's the concesison stands. The one I went to didn't take credit card. How is this possible in 2008? And I should point out that the nearest ATM was about a third of the way around the stadium - and not working.

The bathrooms were a nightmare. Basically, in my section, there Blogger: Your Face is a Sports Blog - Create Postis one restroom for men, with two doors - one clearly marked entrance and the other clearly marked exit. But because the line to wait was so huge, people were going in the exit side. Which kind of made sense in one way - the bathrooms are so poorly laid out, that if you come in the regular way, you don't realize there's a whole section of urinals further down no one is using, because you're afraid if you walk past the first section, you'll lose your place.

The problem is that with everyone coming in the wrong way, it makes it impossible to exit. I literally stood in line five minutes to get into the restroom, and at least 10 coming out. Good thing it was an ABC Extend-O-Rama Halftime or else I would have missed the start of the third quarter.

But the real problem is the stadium itself. Nothing sums up how bad things have become more than this story from near the end of the second quarter of the game. My wife is fiddling under her seat to get some food out for our 14-month-old daughter. As she looks behind the seat, she sees a giant Black Widow spider about halfway up the seat. And in case you think there's some over-dramatization taking place here, it was 100 percent a Black Widow - red hourglass spot n the back and everything.

My wife is the strongest person I know, but she hates bugs. (And her dad is an exterminator - go to town on that one, Freud.) So she takes off out of the seats and into the walkway above (our seats were the top row of the first level, so the walkway between levels was directly above us - in fact, the spider had crawled out of a crack in that wall). I'm there standing up holding my baby, which doesn't put me in a great position to do anything.

Some guy a few seats over tried to kill it with his keys, but it crawled into the wall before he could get it. He tried to stuff napkins into the hole to keep it from coming back out. Needless to say, this was not a soilid enough solution for my wife.

Security was called, maintenance reports were filed...it was a mess. We were told that to switch seats, we would have to walk to the ticket office at the other end of the stadium and go through a huge process. The crisis was "solved" when the spider came back out, and our neighbor was able to smasj it with his keys.

But still, Black Widow spiders? Seriously? LIke I said, that's the last straw for me. It's time to do something massive to renovate the place. Or, do it the Mafia way - torch the place and collect the insurance money. If they need it, I know a guy who can do some stuff for them, if you know what I mean.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:07 AM 0 comments  

A celebration of drunken jerkwads at the LA Coliseum

In case you missed it, this past Saturday night was the big exhibition game between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Boston Red Sox at the LA Coliseum. And yes, it was a gimmick, mainly to pad the Dodgers' attendance statistics for the season, but it worked - there was probably more buzz around town for this game than any Dodger game since the 1988 World Series. I chose not to go, for this simple reason:

(Asshole Dodger fans + Asshole Red Sox fans) * a ton of alcohol = a miserable experience

Seriously, I know people who were getting there at 8 a.m. to start tailgating. This is for a game that started at 7 p.m. I've done my share of tailgating there before USC games, but even for me, starting things out a solid 11 hours before the first pitch seems excessive.

Needless to say, I was basically right, if the stories I've heard from friends who did go to the game are any indication. I'll pass along one story relayed to me by a friend who witnessed this whole encounter while standing in (a huge) line waiting to use the urinals:

Drunk Red Sox fan is rambling on and on to anyone within ear shot about World Series rings, Boston sports, and their general superiority to sports from any other city - especially Los Angeles. So, your basic Boston sports fan. Directly behind him in line is a gentleman who is about 6'5", 250 pounds, wearing a Dodgers hat, Raiders jersey and a mean scowl. The Red Sox fan turns to him and says (in the middle of a rant about how Red Sox fans are so awesome that they turn any road game into a home game): "Thanks for coming out to our stadium toni-"

The last part was a bit clipped, on account of the Dodger fan leaning back and cold-cocking the Red Sox fan before he could finish the sentence. He fell, out cold, onto the ground, as his three friends took one look at the hulk brute who just decked their buddy and turned away, their eyes as big as saucers.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of that. I don't advocate violence of any kind, and it's exactly that kind of fan that makes me not want to bring my daughter to sporting events in Los Angeles anymore (especially USC games - thanks for your "support", Raider fans, but we'd rather you found something else to do). But at the same time...if anyone ever "has it coming to them", it's a loudmouth Red Sox fan.

Also of note: if you saw any of the game, you saw that they had a giant net instead of a "Green Monster" type fence in LF, since it was about 220 feet down the LF line. Which would have been fine, except that apparently in batting practice, they didn't have the net tight enough. So, several people apparently got beaned with line drives from about 200 feet away, because the net gave so much that the ball hit them anyway.

Good time, indeed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:08 AM 3 comments  

USC Mulls Move to Oakland Coliseum

LOS ANGELES - In a surprising twist to an ongoing saga, University of Southern California officials today announced that they are considering moving home games to Oakland beginning next season. The university had originally discussed moving to the nearby Rose Bowl after talks with the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum stalled. However, school officials are now considering a radical plan to play home games at the Oakland Coliseum.

"After evaluating our options, we think this provides us with the best solution going forward," said Todd R. Dickey, USC's senior vice president for administration. "Although it will add an additional commute for our alumni and students, we think that with the loyalty of our fan base, we'll have little trouble selling out most games. Plus, all of our letterhead already says 'The Coliseum' on it, so this is going to save us thousands of dollars a year."

Under a university plan, shuttle buses would take fans and students to and from campus and the Oakland Coliseum. This will mean that fans will need to arrive no later than 3 a.m. for a 12:30 p.m. kickoff. University officials said that studies showed this would be comparable to the wait times for parking at the Rose Bowl.

"The 'Weekender' trip for our fans to the Bay Area schools is always a highlight of the football season," said Dickey. "This plan brings the fun and excitement of a Weekender to every home USC football game."

USC head coach Pete Carroll briefly discussed the plan after today's practice in preparation for their Rivalry Week game against UCLA. He said he wouldn't treat the 1,000 round-trip distance of their home stadium as a disadvantage.

"If that's what happens, then it's a great opportunity for us to get out there and show what we can do to a new audience," Carroll said. "It's what we do as a program, take advantage of what's put in front of us. It's something to look forward to. We'll build on it and go from there. We're all excited about it."

Carroll then headed off to his Heritage Hall office, muttering positive mantras to himself the entire way.

Reaction in the Bay Area was mixed. Some fans thought that Bay Area sports fans would not embrace a team moving from Southern California.

"By great Lucifer's ghost, moving a team from Los Angeles to here would never work!," said A. Davis, an elderly man found eating a Senior Slam at an Oakland area Denny's. "Next, there will be flying automobiles, and phones that tell you the scores of football game. And toasters that can steal your soul! From Irwindale, that's where salvation is from these foul howler monkeys. Irwindale!!!"

Davis rambled for a few minutes, then fell asleep in his grits.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:04 PM 0 comments  

USC to the Rose Bowl...permanently?

On Tuesday, USC made the startling announcement that it had begun negotiations with the Rose Bowl to move from the Coliseum and begin playing home football games there starting next season. You can read the story for the full details, but the gist of the situation is this: USC wants control over running the Coliseum (and scheduling), and wants renovations to be made. They are willing to kick in $100 million over the next 10 years towards the renovations. However, the Coliseum Commission has been putting this issue on the back burner and hoping it goes away, mainly because they are still committed to the pipe dream that the NFL is going to be back in the Coliseum someday.

Bill Plaschke's column in the LA Times on Wednesday does a fairly good job of summarizing how I feel about this. This is clearly a lot of political posturing and muscle-flexing being done by USC to let the Coliseum Commission know that "it means business". It's almost inconceivable that USC would anger so many of its alumni by destroying 80+ years of tradition by forcing them to move from their home just off-campus to a new site 20 miles away with lousy parking and freeway access (and would be second tenant to their arch rivals).

However, this is the Coliseum Commission we're talking about, and if anyone can screw something up royally, it's them. Plaschke's column gets into it in a little more detail, but the Commission has directly or indirectly lead to the Rams and Raiders leaving Los Angeles and the O'Malley family selling the Dodgers.

The indirect good news in all of this is that the brouhaha has forced LA mayor Antonio Villaraigosa to stop sucking face with news anchors long enough to finally, publicly state that he's given up on the NFL ever returning to the Coliseum and that the Commission should too. And the general outrage this has caused has pretty much put the Coliseum Commission into such a bad spot than even they seem to be forced to admit defeat at this point. (Well, except for exceptionally stubborn Commission members like current City Councilman and former really lousy LA Police Chief Bernard Parks, who "must keep the door open for a professional team."

And just who is the Coliseum Commission? As you can guess, a bunch of bureaucrats! More specifically, a nine-person panel made up of: four politicians (the afore-mentioned Parks and three LA County Supervisors) and five "private citizens", including the widow of Aaron Spelling and the wife of City Councilman Herb Wesson. (Apparently, being married to old, white guys is excellent training for deciding the fate of one of LA's major landmarks.)

And just how effective is the Coliseum Commission? I'll let a current City Council member tell you:

"There is nothing that that commission has [accomplished] in the 30 or 40 years that I know of," said L.A. City Councilman Greig Smith, who offered a list of teams that have left the Coliseum and neighboring Sports Arena. "One government agency can screw up. Three government agencies can screw up a lot."

I'll leave with an interesting article from the LA Times' architecture critic about the situation. I think it's a good overview of the challenges faced in maintaining the Coliseum, and LA's older stadium structures in general. I'm going to let my USC alum bias show here for a second in response. I've been to both the Rose Bowl and the Coliseum, and frankly, in terms of "watching the game" aesthetics, I prefer the Coliseum. The site lines are better and the seats are wider. I always have a sense of being more "on top" of things at the Coliseum from the upper deck, versus being lower and further away at the Rose Bowl. And I can still find free street parking at the Coliseum (and never had any issues with break-ins, etc.) on game days, even on sell-outs. At the Rose Bowl? Not so much.

But the Rose Bowl does have a pretty view of the mountains...I guess that counts for something.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 AM 0 comments