2008 Handicapabling Challenge Week 1

Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.

But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.

So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.

First, my picks:

- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas

I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.

- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon

That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.

- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers

Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.

- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA

I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.

- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama

I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.

And now, presenting the picks for McLane:

I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.

God bless college football.

- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech

I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.

-Alabama +4 1/2 @ Clemson

Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.

This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.

-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA

Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.

-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.

This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.

The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:26 PM