Bolt Breaks Long Jump World Record Just For Fun

BEIJING - Hot off of winning the Olympic 100 and 200 meter events, Jamaican Usain Bolt claimed another gold medal today by setting a new World Record in the long jump. His jump of 29' 10 inches broke Mike Powell's 27 year-old record by 5.5 inches, stunning observers, officials and jumpers who didn't even know Bolt was in the competition.

After the race, Bolt said he was hanging out in the infield watching some friends compete in other events, when he noticed a break between rounds in the long jump final.

"I thought, why not, wouldn't it be funny if I ran down there and tried it," he said. "I've never tried the long jump before, but I guess they're saying that I had a pretty good jump."

Officials were stunned by Bolt's jump, and initially refused to measure it until they realized it was near world record length. They later allowed the jump to count, despite Bolt not being entered in the competition or having qualified through the preliminaries, because "well, it's hard to deny the guy when he broke the world record."

US Track & Field officials saw their protest of the leap denied, leaving Trevell Quinley out of the medal race. Officials based their appeal on the lack of paperwork, the fact that he was still wearing his warm-up jacket and pants with sneakers, and that "it's totally unfair that he's hogging all the Gold medals."

Olympic great Carl Lewis has one of a handful of observers who praised Bolt's abilities, but questioned his showboating antics during his jump.

"I find it disrespectful that he decided to spread his arms and make noises like he was an airplane while he did his jump," Lewis said. "That denegrates all the hard work long jumpers put into their event. That, and the fact that he set a world record having never done it before."

For his part, Bolt said he was done with competitions after the 4 x 100 relay, "unless I can get into that marathon thing on Saturday. How hard could that be?"

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:54 PM 6 comments  

16 Days of Glory: Mary Decker eats it and lives on forever

We all had a favorite teacher in high school. Maybe yours was the nerdy algebra teacher with an affinity for Dungeons and Dragons, or the English Literature teacher half your junior class had a thing for, or perhaps the chemistry teacher that ran Mario Kart 64 tournaments in his lab at lunch and after school. While this last example is actually true in my case, the high school teacher I look back on as my favorite is surely Mr. Corbin.

I had Corbs for two classes in high school. Biology my sophomore year and biochemistry my second semester senior year. The man was a pretty damn good teacher and he certainly made things interesting for us, but what really set him apart from everyone else were his eccentricities.

The man was known to stop in mid-lecture to give five minutes of praise for what he called the greatest beverage on the planet, Iron City Light. He'd often pull his tin of Copenhagen out of his back pocket while making the rounds of our desks during the test and inhale the scent dramatically. Best of all, he'd simply "cancel" class during the first few days of March Madness so we could huddle around his television that looked to be from the Stone Age.

If you couldn't tell already, we didn't attend Corbs' class to learn, it was more about experiencing his overall goofiness. What really put him over the oddball threshold was his love for the 1984 Olympics and the official film from those Games, 16 Days of Glory, directed by Bud Greenspan.

We watched Carl Lewis dominate time and again, we saw Edwin Moses do his invincibility thing countless times, we saw Bud Greenspan set up dozens of clips all while NEVER, EVER TAKING THOSE GLASSES OFF THE TOP OF HIS STUPID HEAD, but we viewed one event more than any other.

Mary Decker getting tripped (skip ahead to 4:50 for the normal speed, 7:30 for the slow motion train wreck) and crying, whining, throwing a fit, getting her diaper changed, and most importantly quitting:



At least that's how Mr. Corbin saw it. You see, much like the great Walter Sobchek, Corbs was a veteran. He played and replayed Decker going down like a ton of bricks for us and always railed against her quitting on the side of the track and not getting up and "chasing that barefoot, little shit down," because as an American athlete, the last thing she should be doing is quitting.

Carl Lewis: WINNER.
Edwin Moses: WINNER.
Mary Lou Retton: WINNER.
Greg Louganis: GAY.
Mary Decker: QUITTER.

Besides pointing out Decker's obvious, un-American flaws, another reason behind showing the video was so he could make fun of Decker whining; let's be honest here, that's always a good time. Seriously, look at this:

Never not funny

So I guess my point in all of this is with the Olympics starting tomorrow, Mr. Corbin and his love for the Games are the first thing I think of. Through not teaching me a great deal of biology, he taught me so much more. He showed me the Olympics are all about the big moments and how athletes react to them, if they'll rise to the occasion or buckle under the pressure.

I'll tune in to see if Michael Phelps and his giant mouth of teeth can earn 8 gold medals, and I'll turn on the tube just in time to see USA Basketball suck it up again (I still say they're in trouble...move the ball, fellas,) and I might even make it a point to check out some of that team handball nonsense the Duke loves so much, especially if things get, um, interesting.

And if something awful or out of the ordinary happens, that will just be icing on the cake, making it all the more memorable.

Posted by McLane at 2:48 PM 3 comments  

Catch Team Handball fever

I loved the Olympics when I was a kid. During the 1984 Summer Games in Los Angeles, I think I watched every minute of programming (amazing to think it was even possible to do that back then, what with NBC's planned 3,600 hours of coverage of the Beijing Games). There were two sports that fascinated me as a kid that I caught during those games, so much so that I decided to try them out in my backyard. One was the steeplechase - I stacked some of my Dad's old coolers up to form a giant hurdle, and then dug a hole out in the dirt part of our backyard and filled it with water to make a hazard.

If steeplechase was unusual, the other one was downright bizarre - team handball. I cold not get enough of it from the scattered hours here and there that they showed on ABC's coverage. I got a book out of the library that had the rules, and actually set up a practice field in my backyard, with markers for various spots on the court, and tape on the side door to the garage to mark the goal. I thought that maybe this could be my ticket to the Olympics - since almost no one played Team Handball in the US, maybe I could make it just by actually playing it. I used to try and get my friends over to play games, but...well, let's be honest here, the kid who gets hooked on Team Handball is going to be lumped in with the paste eaters and glue sniffers when you are eight years old.

Well, I never made it to the US Olympic Team Handball squad (and in fact, the US actually had abandoned the sport as an Olympic competition until recently). But it still fascinates me, and I'd watch it a lot of it was on TV in the US. But it isn't except for once every four years, which is the main reason I care about the Olympics. Ask me if I have a Wish List on my Tivo for Team Handball, and you'd be frightened to know the answer.

What is Team Handball? Well, it's kind of like a mixture of basketball, soccer and lacrosse. The goal is to get the ball (a handheld version of a soccer ball) into the other team's goal (about the size of a lacrosse goal). You dribble like basketball, but you can't get to within a certain distance from the goal - at least, you can't touch the ground inside that area. But you can jump as get as close as you want and shoot the ball before you land. Which leads to a lot of crazy, acrobatic plays:



Do yourself a favor: set your Tivo this week and catch at least one Team Handball match. You won't be disappointed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 9:57 PM 1 comments  

Kenyan distance runners make sprint champ feel inadequate

NAIROBI - Sitting in the locker room, Paul Ochuka should have been thrilled - he had just qualified for the 2008 Beijing Olympics by winning the 100 meter dash at the Kenyan Olympic Trials. But all he says he felt was shame and embarrassment thanks to repeated, spirit-crushing teasing by Kenya's contingent of elite distance runners.

"When I got back to my locker, there was a note attached to it," Ochuka said. "I was hoping it was going to be a congratulatory note, but I should have known better. It simply said "Way to run a whole 100 meters, pussy.' It was unsigned, but I have a good idea about who did it."

Ochuka said that the constant teasing and hazing have only heightened a gnawing feeling of what he calls "inadequacy" over the relative short distances he runs versus the long distances that Kenya's more famous track athletes run.

"Everyone says 'Oh, why should we care if you can run 100 meters in 10 seconds - try running for 10,000 meters and then we can talk'," he said. "No one cares about being The Fastest Man in Kenya, just The Man in Kenya Who Can Run a Very Long Distance the Fastest."

Ochuka added that Kenyan track and field officials have not helped the cause, giving little priority to sprint races. For example, the finals of the 100 meter dash at the Olympic Trials were held in between laps of the 5,000 meter quarterfinals, with sprinters asked to come onto the front stretch, run, and head back to pick up their starting blocks before the distance runners finished their lap.

Kenyan Track & Field Federation president Martin Oboye refused to comment, since he "could not believe" that Kenya actually had sprinters.

Despite the lack of support from other track athletes and fans in Kenya, Ochuka said he was proud to be able to represent his country in the Olympics by marching into Beijing's Olympic stadium with his fellow athletes.

"Unless they do what they did at the African Games," he said, referring to the prank where the team parked their bus 10 miles away from the stadium and ran there. "I'm not running that far again - this time I'll take the bus or something."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:14 AM 1 comments  

US to send team of coal miners to run in Beijing marathon

INDIANAPOLIS – Coming on the heels of Kenyan marathon record holder Haile Gebrselassie’s announcement that he would not compete in the Olympics because of concerns about China’s poor air quality, USA Track & Field today announced that they are sending a team of three coal miners from West Virginia to run in Beijing.

“Clearly, dealing with the air quality is going to be a huge factor in winning this race,” said USATF President Bill Roe. “We decided to go ‘outside of the box’ a bit to try and find people who are uniquely qualified to handle the unique respiratory challenges that our runners will face in Beijing. These miners have the heart, determination and the built-up resistance to toxic particles in their lungs to not just compete but to win.”

Roe said that a qualifying marathon will be held in Charlestown, West Virginia on May 16 to determine the three runners who will represent the United States in Beijing. To simulate the air quality conditions they will face in the Olympics, a fleet of 50 year-old municipal buses missing the catalytic converter will slowly drive just ahead of the runners.

However, runners in the qualifying race and in Beijing will have some relief. Roe said that all runners will be allowed to wear breathing devices that pump pure oxygen through a respiration system. Originally designed for use in cave-ins and other critical situations, Roe said the devices are the perfect fit for running in Beijing’s pollution.

“Sure, they may weigh 20 pounds, and that might slow our runners down a little bit, but at least we know they’ll finish and not pass out from an asthma attack or lack of oxygen,” Roe said. “Plus, these are tough guys who are used to working 18 hours a day in the harshest conditions known to man. Running for four hours with 20 pounds of equipment is practically a vacation for these guys.”

Roe may be right: already, hundreds of coal miners have signed up to compete in the qualifying marathon. One of them is Doug Miller, who has worked for 18 years in the coal mines outside of Thurman. Even though he has never run a marathon, or a race of any kind, Miller said he is looking forward to the opportunity.

“Today, I woke up at 4 a.m., and was lifting 100 lbs. of coal up a steep, two-mile tunnel for about 16 hours, with a half-hour break for lunch,” Miller said. “The marathon is what, four hours long? Yeah, I’m really, really worried about ‘hitting the wall’ at the 24^th mile.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:32 AM 2 comments