I'll take the credit for Usain Bolt's long jump plans

I would estimate that 90 percent of the content on this blog is satirical articles with no bearing no relation to reality, where one of us takes a real-life sports situation to the nth degree of ridiculousness (the other 10 percent being blowhardy opinion pieces). Of course no one is going to believe that Tom Brady is actually a zombie or that Vijay Singh has been placed in Gitmo.

So when the real world of sports collides with the fantasy world of this blog, it’s a frightening thing. And that apparently happened over the past week. I was tracking the site numbers earlier in the week (as tears streamed down my face) when I noticed a huge spike in hits for a story from the Beijing Olympics about Usain Bolt getting bored and entering and winning the gold medal in the long jump.

The premise was simple: Bolt is such a freakishly good athlete that he could win something that requires years of training without really even trying. Of course, it seemed like utter lunacy. But after seeing that thousands of people were reading this story, I decided to read some sports news (I hate sports) and discovered that, in fact, the story was freakishly prescient: Bolt is now talking about trying the long jump when his sprint career winds down.

Of course, Bolt may be about as serious in his statement as our original story was. Then again, if this means there at least a chance to Jerry Jones might install a crocodile infested moat at Cowboys Stadium (like from the old “Pitfall” game), I’m all for it. There’s no point in shying away from the power that I have when it could clearly be used for good.

So, I’m taking orders for what you want to see happen in real life. $50 gets you something simple, like your team winning a championship. Injuries to your least favorite players are priced according to the sport and the severity of the injury. I won’t do deaths. (The exception being Al Davis, although I don’t know if even my powers can get rid of him; remember, only cockroaches and Al Davis will survive a nuclear holocaust.)

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:04 PM 0 comments  

Jerry Jones installs moat filled with crocodiles at Cowboys Stadium

DALLAS – In apparent defiance of a week of criticism following a punt hitting the massive HD screen above the field during the first game in his team’s new billion-dollar stadium, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced today that he has installed a crocodile pit along the sidelines of the new Cowboys Stadium.

“People seem to think our new big screen was a problem, so this really ought to get them fired up,” Jones said. “I mean, a punt hitting a screen – who cares. But this turns every play into something potentially incredible.”

Jones said that there are roughly 25 crocodiles in a three-foot wide moat running the length of one of the sidelines. He added that the crocodiles are chained to the moat to ensure they don’t “wander” into the field of play, but he said that he didn’t know why people would otherwise complain.

“I mean, it’s not stopping anyone from doing what they need to do on the field,” Jones said. “The goal of football is to score touchdowns, and you can’t do that from the sidelines. It’s not like we have crocodiles in the end zone – that would just be ridiculous. Plus, we have ropes hanging from the rafters so people can swing over the moat if they need to.”

NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello said that although there was technically nothing in the league’s rulebooks to prohibit a team from having deadly reptiles just off the field of play, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was planning to speak with Jones “sometime before the start of the regular season” to attempt to convince him to remove the crocodiles.

“Frankly, this isn’t a conducive environment for football,” Aiello said. “Plus, we’d be losing at least four or five members of the ‘chain gang’ every Sunday, and we just don’t have to resources to hire that many people at the current time.”

Meanwhile, Jones also announced that sports apparel company Nike had developed a new uniform for the Cowboys. Set to debut during this Saturday’s home preseason game against San Francisco, the uniform covers Cowboys players from head-to-toe in bite-resistant mesh armor, along with providing an extra pocket for “Croc-B-Gone.”

However, Jones said that the new uniform was “unrelated” to the moat installation.

“It’s just something we’ve been thinking about trying,” he said. “Needless to say, we’re hungry for a title and ready to try anything. Then again, we aren’t the only ones who are hungry, as I think the 49ers might find out this weekend.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:41 PM 1 comments  

Barry Sanders annouces comeback at empty press conference

DETROIT – Hall of Fame running back Barry Sanders, the NFL’s third all-time leading rusher, announced his plans for a comeback at the age of 41 today at a sparsely-attended press conference. Football journalists agreed that while the Sanders’ surprising announcement was “somewhat interesting,” it paled in comparison to reports anticipating Brett Favre’s first preseason game with the Minnesota Vikings.

At Sanders’ press conference, he possibly stated his reasons for coming back to the league 11 years after his shocking retirement at the age of 30. Reports of what exactly was said are unclear, as the only reporter to attend Friday’s press conference was a reporter from Examiner.com, who only asked questions relating to Brett Favre. The only footage of the conference was shown during a 10-second clip on ESPN and was apparently shot by Sanders’ agent.

“So I’m, umm, coming back,” Sanders tentatively said to the conference room full of reporter. “I never thought I would be back, but the amazing journey I’ve been on the last year has made me…seriously, do I even have to finish this thing?”

“I guess it’s pretty cool that Barry Sanders is coming back,” said Sports Illustrated and NBC NFL expert Peter King. “But let’s face it: he’s just not as sexy as Brett Favre. I mean, he’s only retired once? Give me a break! By the way, I’ve got an exclusive interview with Brett Favre’s podiatrist today that gives you some incredible news about his footwear plans for this season. You won’t believe what kind of socks he’s wearing!”

ESPN football analyst Chris Mortensen said that it will be interesting to track the impact Sanders’ comeback has this season.

“I think the most important question is: how will Barry Sanders coming back effect Brett Favre?” Mortensen said. “He’ll be facing the Vikings twice this season, so it will be interesting to see if Favre can overcome this obstacle and lead his team to two improbable victories over the Lions.”

Mortensen said that Sanders’ picked “a bad season” to attempt a comeback, since it was likely to be overshadowed by important news such as Favre’s comeback, Plaxico Burress’ sentencing on gun charges and Michael Vick’s return to the NFL.

However, Sanders’ comeback is not the only major NFL to get lost in the hype surrounding Brett Favre. There are other major stories that Mortensen notes “might have been underreported” so far this preseason, but Mortensen insists there are good reasons. They include:

• Colts QB Peyton Manning losing his left arm in a combine accident at his family farm in Mississippi.
  Mortensen: “If it was his throwing arm, this would be a bigger deal.”
• The announcement by Titans QB Kerry Collins that he was leaving the NFL to start his own religious cult in a compound outside of Plano, Texas.
  Mortensen: “I think we all saw this coming.”
• Raiders head coach Tom Cable killing four people and injuring 12 others during a six-hour shooting spree from his perch on a crane above Oakland Raiders training camp.
  Mortensen: “Just another day in the circus that is the Raiders.”

Mortensen said he hopes to address the Sanders comeback on ESPN before the start of the season, but that could change if something happens “like Tom Brady being seen applying some sort of balm or salve to his knee in practice. Now that would be a big story!”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:48 AM 0 comments  

Pinklon Thomas: OK at boxing, lousy at singing

I was going to try and come up with something witty to say about former heavyweight champ Pinklon Thomas' signing career, as detailed in a pre-fight segment before losing the title to Trevor "Larry Holmes just hit me!" Berbick. But really, I think the man's songs and voice need to speak for themselves:



If "American Idol" is looking for a judge who can stand up to Simon Cowell, I think I know just the person...

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:45 PM 0 comments  

North Korean news report: Kim Jong-Il wins PGA Championships

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il – disguised as “Y.E. Yang” – won the PGA Championships on Sunday by three strokes over Tiger Woods by shooting a final round 70, the official North Korean news agency reported today.

“Dear Leader has captured the magnificent title, reaffirming his status as the world’s greatest golfer despite wearing a disguise to avoid chaos sure to be caused by his adoring fans,” said a story by the Korean Central News Agency. “Also, the subterfuge was necessary to avoid illegal sabotage by Americans who would destroy Dear Leader’s accomplishments.”

The story credited Jong-Il’s victory to his “unparalleled natural golfing talent,” first evident when he was reported to have shot a round of 38-under par during his first round of golf. In fact, the KCNA story said that Jong-Il had to temper his play in order to avoid suspicion.

“Dear Leader wanted to ensure that he did not create suspicion about his true nature, which would have been evident when he shot a round in the 40s,” the story said. “He also did not want to embarrass golf master Tiger Woods and offend the Thai people by making his usual five or six holes-in-one each round, so he settled for a chip-in in the final round when needed.”

PGA of America president Brian Whitcomb dismissed the media reports that Yang was simply Jong-Il is disguise, although two-time major winner Fuzzy Zoeller said it might be tough “to tell them apart on account of all Asians looking alike.”

Zoeller also asked that Yang not “serve Kim Chi…or dog…or whatever the hell they eat,” although it was unsure what that was in reference to as the PGA Championships do not have a champion’s dinner.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Birthers claim Obama can run 2:10 marathon, proving he is Kenyan

WASHINGTON, DC – Birther movement leader Orly Taitz today produced what called “conclusive” evidence that confirms her group’s claims that President Barack Obama was born in Kenya: video purporting to show Obama running a marathon in just over 2 hours and 10 minutes.

“As far as we’re concerned, this is absolute proof,” Taitz told CNN anchor Lou Dobbs during an interview. “How many people from Hawaii do you know who can run a marathon that fast? Especially when they smoke? Clearly, only a true Kenyan citizen could run this well.”

The amateur footage shows a tall, slender black man crossing the finish line with a time of 2:11:01 from a great distance away.

“You look at that and tell me that’s not Obama,” Taitz said. “There’s even a Kenyan flag on his shirt. Listen – you even hear people talking about ‘Hussein,’ which is a clear reference to this traitor and liar’s middle name!”

However, running experts and video analysts have dismissed the footage. They say it is clearly taken from the 1989 New York City marathon, won by Kenyan runner Ibrahim Hussein in a time of 2:11:01.

“You can even see a big electronic billboard flashing that says ‘Congratulations Ibrahim Hussein, winner of the 1989 New York Marathon’ as soon as he crosses,” says Harold Osterman, a longtime journalist covering running. “I’ve met Ibrahim Hussein dozens of times, and that’s obviously him.”

Despite the claims that the footage is not of Obama, CNN’s Dobbs is planning a two-hour special broadcast devoted to “whether or not this explosive new footage should warrant Congressional action looking at President Obama’s place of birth.”

President Obama refused to comment on the matter. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that Obama was “focusing on more important issues, like health care reform and the economy” and definitely not running from Washington, DC to Annapolis, MD as part of this daily workout.

Editor-in-chief of the conservative Web site World Net daily and a self-professed “birther” Joseph Farah brushed aside critics of the video as being “brainwashed followers” of the liberal media.

“There’s one coincidence that someone digs up, and suddenly it’s supposed to invalidate our whole movement?” he said. “The burden of proof is on Obama to prove that he can’t run a marathon in less than two hours and 15 minutes without purposely not running as fast as he can.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:17 PM 0 comments  

Phelps plans to wear "retro" Victorian swimsuit at London Olympics

BALTIMORE – Buoyed by his recent haul of five gold medals at the 2009 World Championships while wearing an “outdated” Speedo swimsuit, American swimming superstar Michael Phelps today announced plans to swim at the 2012 London Olympics wearing swimming gear from the 1890s.

“Some friends and I were sitting around yesterday, listening to some old Bob Marley albums and…umm…drinking apple ciders, when we came up with this idea,” Phelps said. “We had the sound down on the TV, and Chariots of Fire came on and we just thought “whoa”. Plus, I’m getting bored winning everything.”

In response to his unusual request, apparel sponsor Speedo quickly began work on a signature line of “throwback” swimming outfits for Phelps, with the first offering set to debut in time for the 2010 swim season. It will be a knitted wool two-piece with wide red and blue vertical stripes. In accordance with the dyes available in the 1890s, each suit will only last for 150 meters of wearing before the dye completely runs off and into the pool.

Rivals were skeptical about Phelps’ plan, wondering if there wasn’t an ulterior motive to his moves.

“He knows that his time is coming and I’m going to be the one who ends his reign, so now he’s looking for excuses,” said Milorad Cravic, who lost to Phelps in the 100m butterfly by a fingertip at the Beijing Olympics and also lost to Phelps at the 2009 World Championships while wearing a technological superior suit. “When I do beat him – and I will beat him – it will be ‘Oh, my suit was too heavy, the extra 10 pounds of water weight, my nipples were raw from the wool’. What a whiner”

Still, Cravic said his apparel company Arena was preparing a new Victorian-era two piece suit made out of “flying-machine age” wool fibers “just in case” he couldn’t beat Phelps in his modern suit.

Speedo said that the company hopes that Phelps' decision will spark a retro swimwear craze.

"We've all seen how successful throwback football and baseball uniforms have been, so why not
retro swimsuits?" asked Speedo spokesperson Michael Flaherty.

In related story, boxing champion Manny Pacquiao said he was also bored with the ease he was winning fights, so he plans to fight bare-knuckled for his next title defense while billing himself as "Irish" Mickey O'Pacquiao.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:41 PM 2 comments  

Spurrier admits South Carolina defense forgot about Tim Tebow last two seasons

HOOVER, AL – After admitting that a staff member had forgotten to include former Heisman Trophy-winner Tim Tebow on a preseason All-SEC ballot when filling out a ballot for him, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier also revealed that he and his defensive coaches had forgotten about him for the past two seasons.

“You’d think that someone would have remembered him, but everyone just seemed to let it slip,” Spurrier said. “It’s just the dangedest thing.”

In Florida’s past two games against South Carolina, Tebow has accounted for 636 yards of offense and 10 TDs, while the Gators have beaten the Gamecocks by an average score of 35 points.

“We kept banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out how to stop Florida’s offense, and we never could figure it out,” Spurrier said. “I guess we’ll have to pay more attention to the game film to see what this Tebow kid’s all about.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:15 PM 0 comments  

Mr. Perfect scoffs at Mark Buerhle's perfect game from Heaven

HEAVEN – Former professional wrestler Mr. Perfect descended from Heaven yesterday to tell reporters that he was “unimpressed” with the perfect game thrown by Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buerhle against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday afternoon.

“Perfect? Ha! How many guys did he strike out?,” asked Mr. Perfect, who died in 2003. “Six? Pfft. I could do that in one inning.”

Mr. Perfect then went on to say that the previous week, he had struck out 27 of baseball’s all-time greats in throwing a perfect game during a Heaven Recreational League game.

“Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle – no problem with my Perfect Pitch,” Mr. Perfect said. “Once I dropped the strap on my pinstriped singlet, they were done.”

But some of the dead players from Mr. Perfect’s perfect game claim that things might not have been on the up and up.

“I think he was throwing a spitball,” said Jimmie Foxx. “He kept saying that he was only ‘spitting his gum out,’ but a new piece for every batter? Seems fishy to me.”

“I thought I saw Rick Rude injecting something into his butt between innings,” added Ty Cobb. “Plus, his junk kept sticking out of his shorts. I haven’t seen anything that distracting since they let Jews start coming into the stands.”

Mr. Perfect was aghast that Buerhle played in the American League, where the designated hitter rule is used.

“How could his game be perfect is he doesn’t even hit?” he said. “Last week I went 4-for-4 with four home runs – like I do every week. I even hit the last one blindfolded, just to see if I could.”

Despite his success, Mr. Perfect said he’s become “bored” with baseball and has decided to quit. Instead, he’s enrolled in a pottery class at Heaven’s recreation center and plans to learn how to make “the Perfect Ashtray.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 2:34 PM 0 comments  

Jeremy Mayfield blows up gas cans, is not a meth addict

I was thinking about the Jeremy Mayfield case earlier today after re-reading McLane's post from a few days ago. I was especially hung up on the fact that if he has been using meth for years as his stepmother claims, he's probably the best-looking long-term meth head I've ever seen (and keep in mind I'm from the Central Valley, so we're talking about roughly 30 percent of the population). No visibly missing teeth, no open sores and he's not constantly trying to shoo invisible spiders off his body during interviews.

So I decided to visit the Partnership for a Drug-Free America Web site to find out a bit more about the effects of crystal meth. Here are the first two sentences from the "Long Term Effects" section:

The drug’s effects are similar to those of cocaine but longer lasting. Crystal Meth can cause erratic, violent behavior among its users.

Now, please keep this in mind when watching the following video, taken from the TV show "NASCAR Drivers: 360" that aired in 2004:



Let's review again: did you see any "erratic, violent behavior" in that video? Something like an insatiable need to blow things up? Or how about any effects that would be "similar to those of cocaine," such as his wife noting his incredible amount of energy.

For his part, Jeremy Mayfield had better hope that NASCAR doesn't enter this as Exhibit A in any trial. I know it's circumstantial evidence, but it's going to be hard to argue that you aren't a meth addict after video of you blowing up watermelons and full gas cans with your children are shown to the jury.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:19 PM 0 comments