ESPN Classic viewer can’t believe they’re still showing “Cheap Seats” reruns

MILWAUKEE – IT specialist Dan Hopkins “couldn’t fucking believe” that ESPN Classic was showing a rerun of “Cheap Seats” when he turned on his TV early Tuesday morning, according to co-workers at Comericon Bank.

“Honestly, ESPN has to have, what, a million hours of programming in their archives,” Hopkins told friends Wednesday afternoon at work. “And the best they could find was ‘Cheap Seats?’ They couldn’t throw on a college football game from 1987, or some old NFL draft coverage from 1996? Unfuckingbelievable.”

“Cheap Seats” was a sports comedy show hosted by the Sklar Brothers that ran on ESPN Classic from 2004 to 2006. Similar in tone to the cult favorite “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” the show featured the hosts riffing on old sports clips.

“I mean, it would be one thing if the show was still on the air,” Hopkins told several people over lunch. “But it’s been off the air for three years. Three years!”

Hopkins had turned on the TV at 12:30 a.m. after returning home from a late-night server installation. It had been on ESPN Classic from the previous evening, and he was apparently “dumbfounded” to find “Cheap Seats” on the screen.

“The last thing I expected was to see the god damned Sklar Brothers smirking at me at 12:30 in the morning,” Hopkins said. “And it came on during one of those awful sketches they used to do – you know, the ones that had all of their ‘alternative’ comedy friends being smug and unfunny. Christ.”

Hopkins’ amazement was compounded when he saw on the cable program guide that a second episode of “Cheap Seats” was scheduled immediately after the one he was watching.

“Two episodes?,” he screamed to himself. “You have got to be shitting me. Seriously. And it’s not even a real episode – it’s some shitty spoof of the ‘Inside Sportscenter” specials they used to do. Wonky, self-referential bullshit! Really?”

When a co-worker asked him why he didn’t change the channel, Hopkins said it was an improvement over “watching Sportscenter again or another World Series of Poker rerun from 2004.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:41 PM 1 comments  

Tiger Woods has leg shattered in attempt to "get back to 2008 form"

Tiger Woods instructed longtime caddy Steve Williams to smash his surgically repaired left leg and knee late Sunday night in a last-ditch effort to regain the form that saw him win the U.S. Open last year. The reversal of the surgery for a broken leg and torn ACL was deemed “a success” by Woods as he hobbled from the locker rooms at Bethpage Black ahead of Monday’s rain-delayed final round.

“Right now I feel good; and by that I mean in tremendous pain,” said Woods after Williams slammed a sledgehammer into his leg several times in the restroom at the Bethpage Black clubhouse. “I know I needed to do something to get back to where I was last year if I want to have any chance to defend my title, so this is the gameplan we’ve come up with.”

Woods won last year’s tournament at Torrey Pines while playing through excruciating pain from his leg injuries, and immediately had surgery that caused him to miss eight months of action. He finished play on Sunday 10 shots out of the lead with 15 holes to play, a situation that Woods said demanded “desperate measures.”

Golf Channel analyst Frank Nobilo said that Woods’ willingness to have a crippling injury inflicted on himself just showed his legendary competitive spirit.

“How many other players in the world would be willing to endure such abject pain in order to give himself a chance to pull off an improbable comeback?,” Nobilo said. “It just shows that inside this champion lies the heart of a masochist – and inside that heart is a masochistic champion.”

Best-selling author John Feinstein also speculated that Woods’ actions might have a psychological impact on the other players in the field.

“I’m sure that they could hear the sickening thud of sledgehammer against bone and flesh and Woods’ bloodcurdling scream in the locker room as they were ready to leave for the night,” Feinstein said. “That certainly gives the other players something to think about as they sleep tonight. When Tiger Woods is crippling himself in order to win a championship, everyone knows it.”

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:52 PM 0 comments  

My cover letter for the USC basketball job

June 19, 2009
Heritage Hall
University of Southern California
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Mr. Garrett,

I am writing to express my interest in the head men’s basketball coach position currently advertised by USC on your Web site. Although my basketball experience is limited to covering the sport as a reporter and watching games by myself at the Hooters down the street, I believe that I possess the management skills and leadership qualities needed to take the men’s basketball program to the next level.

After analyzing your current situation, I believe you need a men’s basketball head coach with high moral character to serve as a “figurehead” for your organization. One of the primary purposes of a head coach is to hire a well-qualified core of assistants who – from what I gather – essentially handle the day-to-day operations and coaching of the team while the head coach oversees operations.

I have more than eight years in business management, where I have learned to effectively delegate duties while watching YouTube clips of old sports events from my closed office. I feel this more than qualifies me for the duties of the position. In addition, I possess the highest moral fiber, along with the common sense to avoid all pictures of me puking in the back of dive bars or doing something totally outrageous – such as handing over big bags of cash to an agent representing a star player. I have the common sense and acumen to develop an elaborate series of intermediaries and “boosters” to create an arms-length distance between the program and the university.

As a USC graduate, I understand and respect the tradition of USC basketball, having watched the team almost qualify for several NIT tournaments while I attended games at the Sports Arena. I understand that the program may be facing several hardships in upcoming years. As someone who makes a living writing, I can assure you that I am used to doing a lot with very little.

Best,
Richard Manfredi

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:11 AM 1 comments  

USC women's soccer coach files Title IX suit against Yahoo! Sports

USC women's soccer coach Ali Khosroshahin filed a Title IX lawsuit against Yahoo! Sports on Tuesday, claiming the online news site had engaged in "gross gender inequity" by refusing to report on massive recruiting violations by the Women of Troy's team.

“It’s absolutely unfair that our football and men’s basketball teams have been getting all of this publicity, when we’re breaking just as many NCAA rules and not getting any attention from Yahoo! Sports,” Khosroshahin said during a sparsely-attended press conference at Heritage Hall to announce the lawsuit.

“Seriously, the things we’re doing here makes Tim Floyd look like Mother Teresa,” Khosroshahin said as he held up a stack of receipts detailing illegal payments of cash, car and male strippers to USC women’s soccer recruits. “Hello? Anyone interested?”

Responding to Khosroshahin’s charges, Yahoo! Sports editor Jay Robinski said that the while the organization was aware of the massive violations taking place within the USC women’s soccer program, it was a “secondary concern.”

“We had a pretty good idea something was going on when we received a large packet of evidence from USC with including incriminating pictures, videos and a signed confession from Coach Khosroshahin,” Robinski said. “But to be honest, there are just more pressing concerns happening with USC right now. I mean, we just got word that (USC football coach) Pete Carroll might have jaywalked while crossing the street to see a USC football recruit play in 2006. Why hasn’t the NCAA investigated this yet?”

Khosroshahin said that if the lawsuit did not succeed, he would be forced to “ramp up” plans to gain recognition for the Women of Troy, the 2007 national champions.

“You know what they say – all publicity is good publicity,” Khosroshahin said as he held up a massive bag of what was believed to be HGH.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 7:16 PM 1 comments  

...And We're Back

…and we’re back.

As you might have noticed, we’re been away for a little while. Long enough that you could almost fit an entire NBA Playoff schedule in there. For those of you who were worried, we didn’t pull some sort of Stanley Wilson-style coke binge and go missing from the face of the Earth (we’re not rank amateurs – we can handle our drugs).

The truth is, Your Face became a victim of its own success. Both fknmclane and I were able to parlay the fame and notoriety we gained from our writing here into gigs for other, more respectable sites. That paid. Real money, not just “the respect and admiration of our readers,” which is nice and all, but doesn’t pay for the 12-pack of Miller High Life we need to get through the day.

But here’s the thing: writing for other people might pay (some), but it’s not the same as writing for Your Face. Writing for other sites is about creating content that drives page views, meaning “see if you can write more about Erin Andrews;” writing for Your Face is about coming up with things that make us laugh, and hopefully you as well. And finding new ways to call Shaq fat. Because he’s just enormous.

So we’re back, and we plan on being here for the long haul. Unless we get a better offer. Or our wives tell us to stop.
McLane didn't have much to add, which is a shame. I was hoping for him to put something together, because I know he's very excited to be back working Your Face. Here is the email I received from him with his response to my request:

'Poop.'

So at least that hasn’t changed.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:40 AM 1 comments  

So, that'd be your finger in the snowblower there?

One of the perks of living in Southern California is you don't have to deal with snow during the winter. Yes, you don't get to have a white Christmas, and it's odd walking around in shorts in December, but you also don't have to worry about the city turning into gridlock because of a blizzard (we have gridlock for every other reason), or needing to trundle out into the cold to clear your driveway.
But apparently, snow is not just annoying but just plain dangerous. Just ask Colorado Avalance captain Joe Sakic. The Denver Post says he's going to be out at least three months after a freak snowblower accident that left him with three broken fingers and "severe" tendon damage.

Sakic reached inside the "auger" of the snowblower to remove some snow, which apparently is bad since it can still move and crush people's hands even when it's off. The newspaper says this type of accident isn't uncommon: there are more than 1,000 cases of finger amputations in similar accidents, and nine deaths reported since 1992. To me, this sounds like Stephen King was a prophet: the machines really are taking over.

Sakic's injury is just the latest bizarre sports injury to befall Denver athletes in recent years. You might remember Broncos WR Brandon Marshall gashing his arm after tripping on a McDonald's bag and falling through an entertainment center. Or Rockies shortstop Clint Barmes breaking his collarbone after falling while carrying a slab of deer meat into his house. Or Brian Griese's one-two punch of getting pushed down the stairs by his dog and slipping on teammate Terrell Davis' driveway and getting knocked out.

Clearly, something is going on here. Someone needs to wrap Jay Cutler in protective bubble wrap just to be sure.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 12:31 PM 4 comments  

Favre arrested at NYC Applebee's after concealed hunting rifle incident

NEW YORK - New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre was arrested early Friday morning on weapons charges after an incident at a Times Square Apleebee's. Police say that Favre had a concealed hunting rifle at the restaurant which accidentally went off as he was getting up to use the restroom, grazing a server in the thigh and fatally injuring a Triple Chocolate Meltdown cake being delivered to a nearby table.


Police say Favre's rifle, a Winchester Model 70, was unlicensed in New York, with Favre telling police before being taken into custody that he's "pretty sure" he had a license in his home state of Mississippi somewhere.

According to witnesses, Favre "wasn't fooling anyone" by trying to hide his rifle.

"He had it shoved down his pants and tucked under his shirt, but it was so long that the barrel was still a good two feet out of his back," said a waitress identified by his name tag as Randy. "I don't know how he missed blasting himself in the back of the head when it went off. Normally there's no way we would have let someone with such an obvious weapon in, but, I mean, this was Brett Favre."

NFL commentator John Madden said that Favre's actions immediately following the incident showed his "unique style" of leadership.

"From the way he tried to pretend that the gunshot didn't come from his back, to how he tried to go to the bathroom and stash the rifle in the trash can, that's total Brett Favre," Madden said. "I mean, he was in total control of the situation, even telling the police officers which station to take him to right before he signed autographs for everyone. If that isn't a gamer, I don't know what is."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would consider suspending Favre "pending factors such as the outcome of his criminal trial, and after his future retirement."

During an interview on WFAN-AM in New York earlier in the week about the arrest of New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, Favre told a host that "if a deer comes into the door frame of my house, I am going to kill him or her, as simple as that."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 10:33 PM 0 comments  

Stoops annoyed at Sooner fans

Sure, Oklahoma might be 59-3 at home under Bob Stoops, but the Sooners' coach isn't buying that the fans have played that big of a role. Rivals.com says that Stoops was asked about how much of a distraction it can be for opposing teams to deal with the crowd noise at..Sooner Stadium? Oklahoma Stadium? Barry Switzer Memorial Park? Owen Field? OK, I guess it's Owen Field.

At any rate, Stoops was less than forthcoming in praise of his fans' disruptive impact on other teams:

"I've seen a lot of teams come in here and not even use silent counts, so I'm not so sure I'm with you on all that," said Stoops when told opposing teams are fearful of the crowd noise. "We haven't been a real loud stadium."

And Stoops wasn't finished with that, taking a sideswipe at fans who only cheer when the Sooners are ready to score:

"Now when we score a touchdown and we're running into the goal line it's usually pretty loud," admitted Stoops. "That usually doesn't matter to the opposing team."

So remember, Sooner fans - if your team loses on Saturday night to Texas Tech, it's all your fault. Of course, this doesn't explain why the Sooners have been so awful at bowl games.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 1:28 PM 1 comments  

It's come to this: the shameless begging

As some of you might know, in the British vernacular, I was "made redundant" last week. Otherwise known as "I was laid off." The plus side is that this leaves me a lot more time for writing, specifically to bring you the type of marginal entertainment you've come to expect from Your Face is a Sports Blog.

The downside? Well, the lack of money. I'm not a big corporate blog like Deadspin or Sports by Brooks. I don't have a team of writers being beaten into submission and told what to write that will get the most SEO hits, blogosphere synergy or whatever the hell they call it. It's just me, writing about what makes me laugh, and hopefully you too.

I feel so weird about doing this, but several people have said that I should. So, there's a "donate" button on the righthand side of the blog. If you feel as though you want to help support me and this site, feel free to contribute...whatever you want. I know this feels very public radio, so I'll just end by reminding you about the free tote bag with $50 membership, and sending you back to "This American Life."

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 4:16 PM 1 comments  

Cuban charged with insider trading by his fantasy basketball commissioner

DALLAS - Fantasy basketball commissioner Andrew Rathman leveled a charge of "insider trading" at Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban on Monday, after he traded Mavs forward Jerry Stackhouse before Sunday night's game against the New York Knicks, a game that Stackhouse sat out with a possible heel injury.

Rathman, who is Cuban's brother-in-law, said that he had received a complaint from an owner who had sent Luc Richard Mbah a Moute to Cuban's team, the Fuck David Sterns.

"The owner was expecting to add Stackhouse as a valuable role player, but now we have reason to believe that Mark knew about this injury ahead of time and dumped him in order to minimize his losses," Rathman said.

Other owners in the league had expressed concerns something like this might happen, and had suggested a rule that a player could not have someone on their fantasy roster from a team they own in real life. However, Cuban rejected this immediately.

"He kept talking about how this was clearly targeting one player, and how patently unfair that was," Rathman said. "Plus, he reminded us multiple times how he was going to let us have the draft at his mansion, with full catering and all the Chivas and champagne we could drink. It was kind of hard to say no."

Pending an investigation, Rathman said that there is a variety of punishments available, including: forfeiture of points, banning from the league playoffs, or making him give the other players extra courtside seats to an upcoming Mavericks game.

Cuban refused to comment on the matter, other to make the following post on his blogmaverick.com site:

I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job. Also, Andrew Rathman is a farthead, who eats farts with his giant head.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 3:23 PM 0 comments