I lost badly in the Handicapabiling Challenge in Week 1, so this is the price I have to pay.
God damn, do I hate you, McLane...have fun drinking that raw egg, though.
Sep 7, 2008
Handicapabiling Challenge Week 1: Tequila Stuntman
Sep 5, 2008
2008 Handicapabiling Challenge: Week 2 Picks
Yes, I went 1-4 last week while McLane went 4-1. Which means that I'm on the hook for a "Stuntman" tequila shot. And no, I haven't done it yet. The long answer is that I've been sick for most of the week with a sinus infection, and I didn't think that anything involving snorting salt would be a great idea. The shorter, more accurate answer, is that I'm a giant wimp.
But I am a wimp of my word, and now that I'm feeling better, it will happen (and video will be posted) this weekend. As for Week 2, the side bet: loser drinks a whole raw egg, Rocky-style.
First, the reigning champ's picks:
ARIZONA -23 vs. Toledo
Wildcats vs Mudhens. I'll take the one with the big ol' fangs and sharp claws that likes to score 70 points on teams traveling across the country.
ARIZONA STATE -14 vs. Stanford
Trap game my ass. The Devils have been impressive at home since Erickson took over, and hotshot Harbaugh will be their next victim. Besides, the Cardinals only play well on the road when in Los Angeles. Whoops...
West Virginia -7 1/2 vs. EAST CAROLINA
Skip Holtz is the toast of the proverbial town at the moment, and while his team is certainly up and coming, West Virginia has too many weapons for them to handle. Pat White...he's good.
California -13 1/2 vs WASHINGTON STATE
Christ, I'm picking all favorites and now two of them are on the road. While the only thing the Cougars are good at is getting arrested, I have a feeling this week is not going to end well for me.
Houston +16 vs OKLAHOMA STATE
The 40-year old man's defense is suspect. Houston won't be winning this one but they'll at least make T. Boone Pickens's ass twitch.
And now for The Duke:
Louisiana Tech +20.5 vs KANSAS
I'm more impressed with Lousiana Tech beating a bowl team last week (Mississippi St.) than I am with Kansas blowing out a God-awful team (Florida Atlantic). Don't sleep on the Bulldogs! Plus, I'm guess Mark Mangino spent most of the week in a meat-related coma after eating about 100 kajillion pounds of hot dogs, hamburgers, and gristle from the grill and countless barbeques over Labor Day weekend, so I suspect the Jayhawks won't be as prepared as usual.
California -13.5 vs. WASHINGTON STATE
Cal can't play defense worth a lick, but at least they can score a bunch of points, which is more than I can say for Washington State this season. The Golden Bears aren't as great as their fans think they are, but the Cougars are the worst team in the conference, and there is no way they can score enough points to make this interesting. If this game was at Pullman in November, I'd feel differently.
GEORGIA -23.5 vs. Central Michigan
The Bulldogs fell out of the No. 1 spot last week because they only won their opening game by 24. Do you think they are going to settle for anything less than crushing their next opponent by 50 or more? I feel sorry for the poor Chippewas.
Texas A&M -2.5 vs. NEW MEXICO
Yes, I'm betting on a team that just lost to Arkansas St. At home. And that is coached by Mike Sherman. But New Mexico also looked lousy against TCU. And Texas A&M needs this game...badly. I just don't see them laying a total egg two weeks in a row.
Texas Tech -10.5 vs. NEVADA
Yes, the Wolf Pack are a pretty impressive team, and one of the few squads that could probably trade points with the Red Raiders and survive. But this spread is all wrong to me. Mike Leach is going to be pissed that Tech "only" scored 49 last week against Eastern Washington, and be out for blood (and to pad some individual stats). What I really want to do is take the over on this one: the line is set at 66, but I think 100 would be a more realistic benchmark.
Aug 28, 2008
MLB to require all players to speak English; league to contract to 8 teams
NEW YORK - Following the lead of the LPGA, Major League Baseball announced today that all players must speak English by the start of the 2009 season or be banned from playing. In a related story, it was also announced that due to an expected lack of eligible players, the league would be contracting to eight teams for the 2009 season.
"It's really hampered us that some of our star athletes can't fully participate in marketing baseball here in the U.S. because they don't speak English," said Commissioner Bud Selig at a press conference. "This move addresses that fact. Unfortunately, the only way to address that fact was to eliminate 75 percent of our workforce."
To ensure a high level of play, the Commissioner's Office decided to contract teams rather than calling up the remaining American minor leaguers, lumping together teams from similar geographic regions. Joe Torre, manager of the soon-to-be-called San Angeles Padgers of Anaheim, expressed concern over the plan.
"It doesn't seem fair to be that a kid should have his livelihood taken away just because he can't speak English," Torre said. "I mean, look at Manny Ramirez - just because he grew up in the Dominican and only speaks Spanish, that doesn't mean the fans shouldn't get to see him play."
Torre refused to believe reporters who informed him that Ramirez in fact speaks English and grew up in New York.
Current and former players had differing reactions to the decision. Former Braves closer John Rocker applauded the decision. Meanwhile, Oaklansico Marin-A's star Ichiro Suzuki immediately fired his interpreter, and went on a lengthy tour of radio and TV shows, speaking in eloquent English about ihs feelings on the matter.
Selig said he has hired bilingual lip readers to work with replay officials in New York, and they have permission to indefinitely suspend anyone suspected of speaking a foreign language in the dugout or during a meeting on the mound.
2008 Handicapabling Challenge Week 1
Yes, McLane and I are proving our inability to pick football games against the spread this season. I'm looking at going my usual .500 for the season, roughly the same as if I just chose the favorites every game. McLane, I think, has hired a monkey to do his picks for him.
But there's more than pride on the line each week. The losing person each week is going to have to do...something. This week, the loser will have to do a Stunt Man Tequila Shot - snort the salt, drink the tequila, then shoot the lime juice into your eye. And of course, we'll need to video all of this and post the results on the site. Neither of us have particularly high tolerances for pain, so needless to say winning is at a premium.
So, five games, with a tiebreaker. Winner gets the glory, loser gets a shot of lime juice in his eye.
First, my picks:
- Florida Atlantic (+24) @ Texas
I called this several months ago, so I guess I should stick with it. Florida Atlantic QB Rusty Smith is as good as his name is dirty, and Texas always seems to struggle in "cupcake" season openers. But Florida Atlantic is a lot better than the usual Louisiana-Monroes the Longhorns start out with. This could be close late.
- Washington (+13.5) @ Oregon
That snap you heard was Dennis Dixon's heir apparent Nate Costa tearing his knee up in practice, knocking him out for the season. Remember how Oregon played last season after Dixon was hurt for the season? If there's ever been a "must-win" game for a coach in Week 1, it's this game for Tyrone Willingham. I don't think he'll get that win, but his team will keep it close enough to give everyone in Washington false confidence for the rest of the season.
- Fresno St. (+5.5) @ Rutgers
Why yes, I do have that Bulldog Fever up in my head. Thanks for asking. More than anything else, I'm banking on this: no Ray Rice equals Rutgers falling back into mediocrity.
- Tennessee (-7.5) @ UCLA
I feel really nervous asking a Phil Fulmer team not to get outplayed and outcoached, especially on the road. But the equation of a green QB making his first D-I start plus an offensive line filled with the five fattest guys they could find in the freshman dorms, equals a long night for the UCLA offense.
- Clemson (-4.5) vs. Alabama
I hate Nick Saban. HATE HATE HATE. Plus, the name of their quarterback (John Parker Wilson) reminds me too much of John David Booty, and fuck that guy.
And now, presenting the picks for McLane:
I hate the beginning of the season. The little I know at this point is worth next to nothing. So here goes, the picks that will see me snorting salt and rinsing my eyes with lime juice.
God bless college football.
- East Carolina +9 1/2 vs. Virginia Tech
I realize this is a pretty trendy pick, and as such, I should stay the hell away from it. However, I am a glutton for punishment and I watched Lou Holtz's grandkids give the Goiters of Virginia Tech quite the challenge to start their season off a year ago.
-Alabama +4 1/2 @ Clemson
Tommy Bowden, meet Nick Saban. Also, why you're at it, step into my office. What's that? Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.
-Colorado -11 @ Colorado St.
This is the year Dan Hawkins and his DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, BIG 12, NON-INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL PLAYERS make the jump. The ghosts of Sonny Lubick don't stand a friggin' chance.
-Tennessee -7 1/2 @ UCLA
Rick Neuheisel and UCLA called out USC this week. Something about there being another great football team in that pit of a town they call Los Angeles. The Bruins may as well bring a few pallets of shovels with them, because they're officially covered in bullshit. Crash and burn, Rick. Crash and burn.
-California -4 1/2 vs. Michigan St.
This has the makings of a bad MXC episode, hippies vs unemployed auto workers. While those poor unemployed bastards may have the grit, the hippies have the trust funds and the resources. Jeff Tedford started off hot last year. Despite losing the fraud that is DeSean Jackson (that's right, I said fraud,) they'll start the year off on the right foot.
The only question now is, should I get good tequila, or just settle for the goodness I'm assured of from a plastic bottle?
Aug 21, 2008
Bolt Breaks Long Jump World Record Just For Fun
BEIJING - Hot off of winning the Olympic 100 and 200 meter events, Jamaican Usain Bolt claimed another gold medal today by setting a new World Record in the long jump. His jump of 29' 10 inches broke Mike Powell's 27 year-old record by 5.5 inches, stunning observers, officials and jumpers who didn't even know Bolt was in the competition.
After the race, Bolt said he was hanging out in the infield watching some friends compete in other events, when he noticed a break between rounds in the long jump final.
"I thought, why not, wouldn't it be funny if I ran down there and tried it," he said. "I've never tried the long jump before, but I guess they're saying that I had a pretty good jump."
Officials were stunned by Bolt's jump, and initially refused to measure it until they realized it was near world record length. They later allowed the jump to count, despite Bolt not being entered in the competition or having qualified through the preliminaries, because "well, it's hard to deny the guy when he broke the world record."
US Track & Field officials saw their protest of the leap denied, leaving Trevell Quinley out of the medal race. Officials based their appeal on the lack of paperwork, the fact that he was still wearing his warm-up jacket and pants with sneakers, and that "it's totally unfair that he's hogging all the Gold medals."
Olympic great Carl Lewis has one of a handful of observers who praised Bolt's abilities, but questioned his showboating antics during his jump.
"I find it disrespectful that he decided to spread his arms and make noises like he was an airplane while he did his jump," Lewis said. "That denegrates all the hard work long jumpers put into their event. That, and the fact that he set a world record having never done it before."
For his part, Bolt said he was done with competitions after the 4 x 100 relay, "unless I can get into that marathon thing on Saturday. How hard could that be?"
Aug 19, 2008
About my whereabouts...
I know that some of you have put out an APB for The Duke, since I haven't been posting too much on this here blog lately. The skinny: I've been doing some writing for the last few weeks at Sports by Brooks. It's a great opportunity to write for a top site, and do some writing that's different (i.e. gooder) than what I do here.
However, I have been falling asleep at the switch, so I promise to pay more attention to my home fires, so to speak, in the future. (Note: except the next post here in early 2009.)
Chris Henry is a Bengal again?
There's nothing better than when a head coach is true to his word. Like when Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis told ESPN that there was no room on his team for players with questionable personal histories, after a rash of arrests, suspensions and general dumbassery by his team. Problem Child No. 1 being WR Chris Henry, who was cut by the team in April after his sixth arrest.
So of course, who did the Bengals sign today to replace injured star WR Ocho Cinco? Yup, Chris Henry.
In related news, the Detroit Lions have hired Mike Williams as their new Strength & Conditioning Coach, and President Bush has named Osama bin-Laden to head The War on Terror. Yeesh,
Aug 15, 2008
Report: Belichik puts hit on Saban over Most Powerful Coach snub
BOSTON - Days after Forbes Magazine named Nick Saban as "The Most Powerful Coach in Sports," sources close to the Alabama football coach report that he had gone into hiding after hearing rumors of a pending hit put on his life by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichik.
Saban was absent from practice on Friday, and calls to his home, office and cell phone went unanswered. Sources close to Saban, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for retaliation, confirmed that Saban had been acting strangely over the past 24 hours.
"Nick was sky high after he heard about that Forbes Magazine thing," said the source. "I was hanging out with him at his office, and that's all he could talk about. Then his secretary came in and handed him a fax from the Patriots...man, as soon as he read that, he got a blank look on his face. I mean just froze. I don't know what the fax said, but it must have been bad."
There were unconfirmed reports of Saban being spotted at the Tuscaloosa airport in a disguise, asking an American Airlines ticket agent if there were any tickets available to South America that left as soon as possible.
This is not be the first time that Belichik has allegedly taken out rival coaches after they received positive press. Red Sox manager Terry Francona was found beaten and bloodied in the trunk of a car in the Fenway Park parking lots in January after being named "The Best Coach in Boston" by the Boston Globe. Francona refused to talk to police about the incident, calling it a "harmless prank" but authorities suspected Belichik.
"The only thing more frightening than Bill Belichik's power is how he uses it," said former FBI mafia expert John House. "He has a hair trigger and he's easily insulted. That's a dangerous combination for anyone unfortunate enough to cross him."
Aug 7, 2008
16 Days of Glory: Mary Decker eats it and lives on forever
We all had a favorite teacher in high school. Maybe yours was the nerdy algebra teacher with an affinity for Dungeons and Dragons, or the English Literature teacher half your junior class had a thing for, or perhaps the chemistry teacher that ran Mario Kart 64 tournaments in his lab at lunch and after school. While this last example is actually true in my case, the high school teacher I look back on as my favorite is surely Mr. Corbin.
I had Corbs for two classes in high school. Biology my sophomore year and biochemistry my second semester senior year. The man was a pretty damn good teacher and he certainly made things interesting for us, but what really set him apart from everyone else were his eccentricities.
The man was known to stop in mid-lecture to give five minutes of praise for what he called the greatest beverage on the planet, Iron City Light. He'd often pull his tin of Copenhagen out of his back pocket while making the rounds of our desks during the test and inhale the scent dramatically. Best of all, he'd simply "cancel" class during the first few days of March Madness so we could huddle around his television that looked to be from the Stone Age.
If you couldn't tell already, we didn't attend Corbs' class to learn, it was more about experiencing his overall goofiness. What really put him over the oddball threshold was his love for the 1984 Olympics and the official film from those Games, 16 Days of Glory, directed by Bud Greenspan.
We watched Carl Lewis dominate time and again, we saw Edwin Moses do his invincibility thing countless times, we saw Bud Greenspan set up dozens of clips all while NEVER, EVER TAKING THOSE GLASSES OFF THE TOP OF HIS STUPID HEAD, but we viewed one event more than any other.
Mary Decker getting tripped (skip ahead to 4:50 for the normal speed, 7:30 for the slow motion train wreck) and crying, whining, throwing a fit, getting her diaper changed, and most importantly quitting:
At least that's how Mr. Corbin saw it. You see, much like the great Walter Sobchek, Corbs was a veteran. He played and replayed Decker going down like a ton of bricks for us and always railed against her quitting on the side of the track and not getting up and "chasing that barefoot, little shit down," because as an American athlete, the last thing she should be doing is quitting.
Carl Lewis: WINNER.
Edwin Moses: WINNER.
Mary Lou Retton: WINNER.
Greg Louganis: GAY.
Mary Decker: QUITTER.
Besides pointing out Decker's obvious, un-American flaws, another reason behind showing the video was so he could make fun of Decker whining; let's be honest here, that's always a good time. Seriously, look at this:
Never not funnySo I guess my point in all of this is with the Olympics starting tomorrow, Mr. Corbin and his love for the Games are the first thing I think of. Through not teaching me a great deal of biology, he taught me so much more. He showed me the Olympics are all about the big moments and how athletes react to them, if they'll rise to the occasion or buckle under the pressure.
I'll tune in to see if Michael Phelps and his giant mouth of teeth can earn 8 gold medals, and I'll turn on the tube just in time to see USA Basketball suck it up again (I still say they're in trouble...move the ball, fellas,) and I might even make it a point to check out some of that team handball nonsense the Duke loves so much, especially if things get, um, interesting.
And if something awful or out of the ordinary happens, that will just be icing on the cake, making it all the more memorable.
Aug 5, 2008
Catch Team Handball fever
I loved the Olympics when I was a kid. During the 1984 Summer Games in Los Angeles, I think I watched every minute of programming (amazing to think it was even possible to do that back then, what with NBC's planned 3,600 hours of coverage of the Beijing Games). There were two sports that fascinated me as a kid that I caught during those games, so much so that I decided to try them out in my backyard. One was the steeplechase - I stacked some of my Dad's old coolers up to form a giant hurdle, and then dug a hole out in the dirt part of our backyard and filled it with water to make a hazard.
If steeplechase was unusual, the other one was downright bizarre - team handball. I cold not get enough of it from the scattered hours here and there that they showed on ABC's coverage. I got a book out of the library that had the rules, and actually set up a practice field in my backyard, with markers for various spots on the court, and tape on the side door to the garage to mark the goal. I thought that maybe this could be my ticket to the Olympics - since almost no one played Team Handball in the US, maybe I could make it just by actually playing it. I used to try and get my friends over to play games, but...well, let's be honest here, the kid who gets hooked on Team Handball is going to be lumped in with the paste eaters and glue sniffers when you are eight years old.
Well, I never made it to the US Olympic Team Handball squad (and in fact, the US actually had abandoned the sport as an Olympic competition until recently). But it still fascinates me, and I'd watch it a lot of it was on TV in the US. But it isn't except for once every four years, which is the main reason I care about the Olympics. Ask me if I have a Wish List on my Tivo for Team Handball, and you'd be frightened to know the answer.
What is Team Handball? Well, it's kind of like a mixture of basketball, soccer and lacrosse. The goal is to get the ball (a handheld version of a soccer ball) into the other team's goal (about the size of a lacrosse goal). You dribble like basketball, but you can't get to within a certain distance from the goal - at least, you can't touch the ground inside that area. But you can jump as get as close as you want and shoot the ball before you land. Which leads to a lot of crazy, acrobatic plays:
Do yourself a favor: set your Tivo this week and catch at least one Team Handball match. You won't be disappointed.
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